How do you stay dignified when you split and your H has been a royal arse?

[tiredoftherain]

I'm trying to channel Peter Andre and maintain some kind of silence over the finer details of my recent split with H, but have such an urge to blurt out just what he has been up to, after months/years of keeping quiet and covering for him.

He's just started to announce our split to his family and friends, and some of them have contacted me as we've always got on well. He really has been a tit, mildly emotionally abusive, neglectful towards me and dc's and there is an OW on the scene to boot. None of them really know this, although some suspect I'm sure. I just don't know what to tell them.

I really don't want to look bitter, but neither do I feel it fair that he carries on the facade of being a doting husband and father who simply fell out of love, and decided he couldn't live a lie anymore. Should I say anything or just keep my mouth shut? Obviously I'm playing any legal cards very close to my chest until that's sorted.

What a nightmare!

Hi Tiredoftherain hope you are feeling OK today. Please don't beat yourself up about seeing the best in people or being "taken in". Its a lovely quality and its natural to believe in and trust those we love. Much better (IMO) than being a closed, distrustful person who sees the worst in people.

Great news that some of his family have shown you support, and as you suspected they have worked some of the details out for themselves.

It seems immature and shortsighted of your H to be excited about the situation and how sad that he has shown no emotion that is so cold. Maybe he thinks he has a 'good deal' as you struggle to some to terms with things, look after the children, hold it together and rebuild your lives. But in reality this horrible hard slog that you are in will pay dividends in time and when you feel better (which you will, one day) you will see your life can be happy and fulfilled. His 'new life' fantasy without his children may well not be as exciting as he imagines, especially in time- IMO once the dust settles and men see their exs moving on, rebuilding their lives and enjoing a close unit with their children they realise what they have thrown away something very precious.

hi wheresmypaddle, feeling ok today thanks. I keep having very mild panic attacks which last a few minutes and then I feel ok again. I had a counselling session this morning which really helped, she reassured me that my feelings are totally normal, and that I was working through them and will come out the other side.

She also helped me see how much in denial H is. He really doesn't seem to grasp what he's done, and the impact it will have for years to come. The dc's are way too young to understand at the moment, but one day they will be asking some difficult questions. I think because he can remove himself from the situation while he works away, he isn't seeing the daily impact it has.

You are so right, I know I will get through this and be better off. My integrity is intact, his has been shattered. I know for a fact his affair is still continuing, and have twigged about a "training weekend" booked on the calendar that nicely coincides with her birthday. I'll have to make sure his passport is nowhere to be found that particular weekend..!

Whenwilllifeelnormal - love your advice:-

Your nearest and dearest know the truth. To others, I would have absolutely no problem with saying: "I tried very hard to save my marriage, even after discovering there were other women. However, in the end it was my husband's decision to end the marriage and actually now, I do accept that is the right thing to do. I now want to move on and create a happy family life for me and my children."

and i think i will be using it soon.

How are things tiredoftherain?

hi megmums, just posted on your thread. Stay strong, I don't blame you at all for asking for as much reassurance as you need. At one point I could have started a new post every day on H, as I needed people to keep telling me I was doing the right thing. I'm sure that's all part of the conditioning to doubt yourself and your decisions.

H is being very pleasant and friendly this weekend. It's highly suspicious! I've realised how he seems to relate to the dc's as more of an uncle figure rather than a father. He won't be seeing them for the next 3 weeks now and doesn't seem upset, I wouldn't be able to be away from them that long.

Had a long chat with MIL yesterday. She is being very supportive as she had a similar experience in her first marriage. The parallels between her ex and H are spooky, even though he wasn't H's father. I'm just taking it all day by day, it's a bit overwhelming but it'll be ok I hope!

I would tell people the truth. Who'd want to be mates with a cheating scumbag anyway? You don't have to ne nasty and bitter about it - just tell it like it is. You don't have to sling mud or call him names. People can then make up their own minds about him.

Ah it's hard isn't it? You don't know what they've been told. My ex-DH spread all sorts of shite about me around and when people asked I was really honest. I don't think it did me any favours tbh, people believe what suits their views (ie if they want to stay friends with your ex, they will believe whatever crap has been told to them).

I think at some point you just have to say 'well some people won't like me anymore for reasons beyond my control' and just move on. If there is anyone you really want to keep in touch with, full unemotional disclosure is best.

I agree, I've found if I do slate him I feel better temporarily but not long term. So I've decided the less said the better. If pushed I'm just going to say he hasn't behaved well and let people draw their own conclusions. He would have made a great politician though, he can deflect or spin anything and make it look as though I'm in the wrong.

I would like to salvage some kind of civil relationship for the future (once the murderous feelings recede that is!) but the main obstacle is me just not trusting him, and I don't have friends I can't trust. He swears blind OW is off the scene and nothing is going on but still has his mobile glued to him, has a couple of "training" weekends booked on the calendar and is cagey when I ask about her.

I really wish he would just admit it, it would somehow be easier to take than him claiming he's just leaving us because we don't make him happy. He has such a lovely home and children, it doesn't make sense to go (not to mention the massive financial hit he stands to take) unless he's leaving for someone else. Am struggling with this a little today.

he will never admit it

because then he would have to admit what a twat he is

what he is doing is so unfair, but quite typical, it seems

I know he won't admit it - in the 10 years I have known him he has never been wrong or sdmitted weakness.. When I've asked him a direct question he either stonewalls me or deflects the question.

I really hope I meet a nice normal man in future!!

It's soo difficult isn't it

I have bad and good days too - moments when i can't cope and become really upset, then angry - then the opposite - strong, resilient, ready to tell him to get lost forever.

But when you get married (for me only 2 and a half years ago) you expect it to last. I'm 30 next year and will be starting again. It's really scarey, and totally unexpected.

Have you started proceedings with your H tiredoftherain? I told my H i am going to CAB this week and he then was going on about how I am making things worse - when all I am doing is facing up to the mess HE has made!!

Why do we let these men manipulate and twist everything? How do you cope with it?

Crossed threads there. Your H sounds very much like mine. I hope we both find nice men one day!!

Megmums, I spoke to a lovely solicitor who told me she'd far rather be dealing with me at just over 30, than in another 10 years time. You have a lovely dd, and you've realised what your H is like after just 2 years. Look at that as a real positive, and don't throw away any more time on him. I wish I'd read the signs a long time ago but am glad I got there in the end.

I've not started proceedings but I've booked an appointment with an amazing solicitor who my BF managed to get me an appointment with through an old contact. It's eye wateringly expensive and I may not use them, but they are amongst the best in the country so hopefully I'll get a really good idea of what I should be going for. H's high earnings plus me giving up a good career to be a SAHM plus a child with mild SN equals a potentially good settlement for me so I need to make sure I get the best for the dc's. It's a horrible, cold process but I know I just need to get on with it. I won't file until I know where I stand though.

Have you had any counselling? It's really helped me get my head straight and I mostly feel fairly calm despite the mess I'm in. I go every couple of weeks and have found it really useful. Apparently being up and down is totally normal at this stage, it's like going through the grief cycle so you have sadness, anger, denial and so on until eventually you reach acceptance. We will get there!!

You don't have to slate him at all. Just be factual. Nowt wrong with that. he has slated himself! Why should you act as his PR secretary?

Hi, tiredoftherain, I'm in exactly the same position as you.

I feel like screaming in the school playground what a bullying arsehole one of their school governors is and that I haven't left him because I feel like a new start and fancied a change!

A few people have hinted that they know there's more to it and I would love to sit them down and regale them with stories and it's so hard to bite my tongue, smile and let them think that I broke up my childrens home for a new change.

I have to keep the front for the kids really, we all live in the same community, have the same friends and I want them to have a peaceful home life.

It helps to come on here.

You only utter thses words and never say anything else

it is difficult when there are three of you in one marriage, I had to step away

it says it all and leaves it clear.

No need to elaborate or saying anything further

ivykaty, good call

feelingpositivemum - there are lots of us who have idiots for Hs, i don't think i could do what you have done and say that you wanted a change. I couldn't protect my H - he has made a mess, and he can tell people why we separate! Good on you for keeping your dignity though.

Tiredoftherain - yes got counselling, and she is REALLY good, she's a psychotherapist too so i feel like i am getting some insight into my mind - and H's head too when i describe his behaviour and she offers explanations.

I'm not going to rush to divorce, it's v expensive i know, and simply can't afford it! We spent our savings moving to this (more expensive) area, so there is nothing left. I just hope the house is worth a bit more than what we paid.

Yes, ivykaty that does sum it up quite neatly! I guess none of us really know what goes on behind closed doors and I've always been fairly private. It's just the injustice of it all which really winds me up.

Feelingpositive, I hear you (just posted on your thread I think!) Thankfully I'm moving a fair distance away so the local gossips will soon lose interest I hope.

Hi had quick look there , i went through this when i was pregnant and cos i was in that way everything came out ( he told me he was goin to kill himself ) and i kept it to myself , he left for an other woman but let on he didnt for the 1st while , long story short , he doesnt see the child as he told that many lies to me and his new partner that he isnt allowed near me by her as he started running back to me . My child doesnt need him anyhow , his family still see my child , The people that want to belive your ex will even if they dont belive him and people like that add things in if you say anything , talk to someone you trust and dont lower to his level , he can say what he likes but you no the truth and thats all that matters , good luck x

longagegap, thanks for your post. That sounds a really difficult situation but it's good that your child still has contact with his family at least. Maybe things can be different in future if he grows up a bit.

H asked me today in all seriousness if my new house could perhaps have a spare room for him to come and stay in when he has the dc's for weekends.. I do wonder what he's on sometimes.

OMG some men have a right cheek! My H still expects me to do little chores and things for him, he says it can make things better!

Anyway tired i want to seek your advice. How do you remain calm and dignified when seeing him? At the mo i am soo livid and hurt i am finding it very hard to be amicable.

megmums, I'm not sure I always do tbh. I seem to manage it for a while when he's pleasant and then all of a sudden it hits me and I either feel teary or livid.

What bothers me most is his total lack of emotion about the whole situation, he's almost jokey about it and it's so very inappropriate and disrespectful - it often makes me want to provoke him into a reaction - it's so hard to resist that temptation.

I think it also helps because I've learned to act so much to cover it up to other people over the past year.

How are you doing?

I don't protect my x any more. I don't use terms which tell people nothing other than the fact that I'm angry. ie, he's such a bastard. I say the facts, he gave me £1 a month in a standing order. He doesn't remember trying to strangle me but he does remember kicking down the bathroom door because he had to fix it back up again. That kind of narrative. What happened, as though you have no take on it yourself.

oh maggie, thank goodness he's now your ex. I'm not surprised you don't protect him, he doesn't deserve anything.

Tired, am very tense today. He ignored me all day, then texted to say he is not speaking to me at the moment because i can't go one day without having a go at him. So i haven't replied to that.

I get the teary/anger thing too, as H tends to come over in the morning to take dd to nursery (he works late shifts most days). He comes in all cheery, sometimes even makes me a cup of tea! (NEVER did this BEFORE he moved out!)

I mean, i want to be amicable for dd's sake, but at the moment i am still soo angry and even suspect he is back with OW, but i could be wrong there. I don't think he would tell me if he was as he would be scared of not seeing dd.

Maggie - my H has never hit me but has hit walls and the car dashboard, and pushed chairs over. Why do men get soo angry? He says that when he gets upset he gets angry and defensive, which is a really destructive characteristic to have, as it is avoiding facing up to the real pain that he has caused.