Alcoholic DP just came back from his first AA meeting...

[disappointeddrinker]

.... But was a disaster. He was upset, and said he will not go back.

He said there was about 15 people but they were all much older than him (26). Once he calmed down he said it was uncomfortable because they all had very serious drinking problems and he felt he could not relate to them. He said some men had no teeth etc and all seemed from a very low SE background.

I don't want to come across judgey because I certainly am not, but I can understand not wanting to sit in that environment either. I think mainly it's because they were all a lot older than him - and their drinking had obviously going on a lot longer / seemed more serious (debilitating).

I guess it's hard enough going to begin with but he is also very shy and said he couldn't imagine feeling comfortable speaking in front of that particular group.

The meeting he went to was in our local hospital's mental health unit - I thought perhaps one in a school / hall might be better / less used by 'serious' drinkers. And maybe there might be some younger people there?

Gosh - reading back this I feel it sounds as if I / he thinks he is better than all these people - but I really do think he has a point about the circumstances.

Can anyone here understand what I mean? Or offer any suggestions?

What other options are there?

I feel so confused and sad I was excited as this was a new start but it's over before it began.

I'm speaking from experience here so bear with me. The reaction of the OPs partner is fairly standard for a first visit to AA.

Common reactions include:

*They are older than me

*They have lost everything

*They were on two bottles of vodka a day

*I've got nothing in common with them

*I won't end up like that

The list goes on.

If you think about it, it is so unrealistic that he would expect a room full of like-minded 26 years olds. He would only find that in one of his usual haunts

As other posters have said, he should go to other meetings - they all have a different feel.

But ultimately, he could go to an AA meeting in Knightsbridge and still be facing the same realisation - that he has a problem with alcohol.

If he has a problem, then I'm afraid it is a progressive one and is likely to get worse. So he may feel like an average 26 year old now but it will just spiral downwards - that's why he should try to visit AA again and listen with an open mind.

I'm not taking anything away from the OPs partner - it took real courage to go to that meeting. But it is an old path and one that can be avoided with help.

Brilliant post, SueMunch!

After a few months in AA, I moved temporarily to London. One of the first things I did was go to one of these famous "young people's" meetings I had heard of - at last, it wouldn't be 28-year-old me surrounded by 40-somethings!

It is one of the only meetings I have ever walked out of. Here were all the people I had been terrfied of in the pubs and bars - too cool, too with it, too attractive, too matey, too good at drinking - and they were all in the same room as me at once! At least when I was the odd one out in AA I could feel a bit special and get big pats on the back from the 40-somethings for getting into recovery so young - here, I was nothing!

I went back to being an ordinary alcoholic in ordinary meetings and am much happier for it.

Where are you from, SueMunch - would we have met "in the rooms"? I am in South East London these days ...

MIFLAW - I don't think so as I'm West Mids based but I guess this is a common occurance - more proof to the OP that her partner should persist.

I am ashamed to say that I can totally understand where OP's h is coming from.

When I finally admitted I had an alcohol problem and went to an AA meeting, I was like a fish out of water.

Of course we all had the same terrible addiction and problem. But that's like saying all mothers at the school gates are the same because they have children.

The other people at the meeting were not like me. Yes I needed the help of AA, but I also needed a context that was right.

AA put me in touch with other women alcoholics and although their problem was the same, the way it played out was different and the way I needed to tackle it was different to them.

Eventually I traveled more than 200 miles weekly to go to a group that felt right for me. Where people could understand my patterns, and pressures, and could help me through it.

Now I am sober. But it took a while to find the right help.

I hope you can help your dp to look for the right approach for him. I hope he finds it. It is worth it.

PS. Glad to see MIFLAW on here: he's a gem.

Hi,

I have been reading the messages - thank you everyone.

DP has decided to try a meeting at a local school in the evening next week. So - feeling positive.

I know that all people who go to AA are there for one purpose, but I guess everyone's comfort levels are different. While I personally feel I could look beyond the exterior of the people in the meetings and listen for the similarities in our problems, I guess he just can't just yet.

I think admitting he has a problem and making a start in dealing with it has been a really tough psychological adjustment for him - so I just want to be as supportive as possible - and find the way he can cope with this, most comfortably.

I'll keep this thread updated when I have news.

Thank you all so much again! It has been incredibly helpful for me hearing other perspectives - I can't discuss this with anyone IRL - far too ashamed

So sorry to feel you're ashamed. It really shouldn't be like that - but sadly, I know what you mean. Somehow something like drinking should be something everybody 'does' and to admit youcan't 'do it properly' is difficult. I don't care anymore I have to say, if anyone asks, I just say I haven't had a drink for nine months cos I can't drink normally I say it very cheerfully and it usually shuts people up!

Sue

I just wondered because you mentioned Knightsbridge and seemed to have an idea of what the meetings there are like!

DisappointedDrinker - of course we all pick our meetings to suit ourselves and it is an excellent thing to be able to like and relate to our fellow members on a personal level as well as just being ex-problem drinkers.

What I meant (and, I would guess, what some others meant) is that your husband sounds like his problem is with the fundamental nature of AA, ie piss-artists talking in a room.

In other words, even though I tend to go to middle-class meetings in my nice middle-class bit of South East London, I can't kid myself that I am more than a drink away from becoming the tramp who turns up drunk. The ONLY fundamental difference between me and him is that he has had a drink today and I haven't and it is a dangerous folly for me to suggest otherwise.

In East London meetings, the tea is brick red and the coffee instant. In Primrose Hill, the coffee comes from a cafetiere and the tea is camomile. The man or woman who leaves either meeting saying AA's not for them doesn't tend to drink a lot of tea or coffee and so the difference resolves itself ...

PS massive generalisation but school meetings tend to be a nice mix. Hope it goes well for him, DD.

DD just to second all the good views of those in the know (MIFLAW and others) and to wish your DP good luck - it does take courage. My DH attends various meetings most weeks, and they are all different in terms of the people going, the feel of the meeting, etc. He actively seeks those differences - some meetings are more self-congratulatory (let's all pat each others backs), others very focused on step work. You have the large ones where he can get lost and take lessons, and the small, intimate ones.

My DH had for ages lots of issues regarding treatment with "inferiors", although he didn't mind that much drinking with them . I think he really engaged when he realised there's not a better class of alcoholic (there for the grace of god goes I...). It really doesn't matter if he doesn't think he is like those in the meeting - if in doubt, it's better to be a non-alcoholic attending AA meetings than to be an alcoholic not attending them. I hope that realisation comes to your DP in time, if what it takes is to find the right meeting for him to get him started, keep encouraging him until he does. I have the utmost gratitude to AA and its members - lots of those 'old timers' that look like they've been dragged backwards through a hedge are amazing and inspiring and they realise that they attend the meetings week-in, week-out not just to protect their sobriety, but also to be there for others, especially the terrified new bloke that crosses the threshold for the very first time.