Alcoholic DP just came back from his first AA meeting...

[disappointeddrinker]

.... But was a disaster. He was upset, and said he will not go back.

He said there was about 15 people but they were all much older than him (26). Once he calmed down he said it was uncomfortable because they all had very serious drinking problems and he felt he could not relate to them. He said some men had no teeth etc and all seemed from a very low SE background.

I don't want to come across judgey because I certainly am not, but I can understand not wanting to sit in that environment either. I think mainly it's because they were all a lot older than him - and their drinking had obviously going on a lot longer / seemed more serious (debilitating).

I guess it's hard enough going to begin with but he is also very shy and said he couldn't imagine feeling comfortable speaking in front of that particular group.

The meeting he went to was in our local hospital's mental health unit - I thought perhaps one in a school / hall might be better / less used by 'serious' drinkers. And maybe there might be some younger people there?

Gosh - reading back this I feel it sounds as if I / he thinks he is better than all these people - but I really do think he has a point about the circumstances.

Can anyone here understand what I mean? Or offer any suggestions?

What other options are there?

I feel so confused and sad I was excited as this was a new start but it's over before it began.

I've just seen your question about ages. I've met people from various groups and I'd say the ages range from early 20s to 80s. There is one group that my DH goes to that has people with all sorts of addictions attending; eating, drink, drugs etc but the common thread is addiction.

Yep I agree- I have seen young people in their 20s, through to those in their 80s.

Thanks skihorse. Obviously we are very grateful and very mindful of how easily it could all collapse. That's why the meetings are so helpful to us. Someone compared it once to being like a cult and I'd say that it is true. It has giving my DH a way to live his life and cope with alcoholism with a group of people who remind him of where he has been and where he might go.

Hi,

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate them..

In answer to a question above - he is not currently drinking (has stopped for about 8 months) but is goal is to try to readjust to more moderate drinking. I know that most people here would say that is not possible and I tend to believe that myself but it is his decision not mine, and at least he is trying to take positive steps (although very slowly - it has taken him 8 months to take this first step) to deal with his problems.

I think the suggestion about trying an evening group may be a good one - more 'professional' as someone else said. Also, he has an appointment at the GP and is hoping to get a referral to a psychologist for some sessions of CBT - I'd be interested to hear from anybody who has had success with that approach? [hopeful smile]

DPs problem is actually not really what I personally would define as an alcoholic - though I know I started the thread as such. But more, when he drinks, he can often drink too much (8 to 10 pints in an evening) - though can go for a week without drinking with no worry. So perhaps it is more addressing his problem as a binge drinker, than an alcoholic. He is never abusive, destructive (well, other than destroying his body!!), nor does he create long lasting problems as a result of drink - I just really feel he needed to stop when he did to prevent it from developing into something more. Obviously I do find it upsetting though as it is hard to be with someone who writes themselves off quite often in social settings. He is in a profession (musician) where he is often required to be in venues for 8 hours at a time - so drinking is quite engrained in the culture.

But I am the one who encouraged him to attend AA because as lots of people have said here, it always starts somewhere.

I really do appreciate the time you've all taken to reply to me - it feels like such a burden, most days

Hi there, my DH is in AA as well.

I can see where your DH is coming from, and agree with the other posters that it's a good idea to "meeting shop". My DH now has 3 regular meetings that he attends but has been to some shockers as well!

It is helpful if he can initially find some people he can relate to (in my DH's case, a 30 y/o senior manager in an investment bank) - however, one thing I will say is that AA is a great leveller.

He now has friends from all walks of life due to AA, and certainly people that in his "normal" everyday life he would never have met and become friends with.

And actually making friends is pretty important I think, and has certainly helped DH.

But if he is looking for a way to control his binge drinking and become a normal drinker, that really isn't what AA is about.

Get him to ask himself - if he wanted to just "drink normally" and thought he wasn't an alcoholic, why can't he just do that? If he wanted to moderately drink, he would already be doing that.

Good luck with it. Our lives have been turned around by AA. I have also stopped drinking pretty much and we have so much more time, money, interests, friends. Literally every single thing in our life has improved 100% and I don't miss drinking in the slightest.

That's great news Ozziegirly. I wondered how your DH was doing.

OP, I'm not sure that you are going to like what I have to say. When my DH first admitted to me that he had a problem I didn't really believe that he was an alcoholic. He didn't swig out of cheap bottles on park benches. He didn't hit me. He was loving. He didn't hide his drinking. He just had a little control problem. I thought he could sort it out if he just learned to drink like normal people. Key to all this of course is that I didn't want an alcoholic husband. You could say I was in denial.

Of course my DH was quite happy to agree with me on all this. He loved having an excuse to carry on drinking. And so it became very, very bad. Fuelled by my blessing, really, to carry on drinking and learn how to drink socially, my husband's drinking became textbook alcoholic. It was very, very bad. I won't go on about that but DH was actually thrown out of an AA meeting for being terribly, terribly drunk. He had started to conceal his drinking to prove to me taht

Everything Ozziegirly said it true. If you DH could drink moderately and like others, he would. But he can't. He is alcoholic. Forget learning how to drink moderately. For an alcoholic there is no such thing. They cannot. Believe me, I used to go on about that a lot.

LIke Ozziegirly our lives are so much better now that drink has gone from our lives. DH is running a successful business, he has found a spiritual dimension to his life and we have two young boys. Things are great. I've also stopped drinking to support DH and I don't miss it at all. To me drinking isn't particularly sociable. I couldn't continue to do something that has been so harmful to our family life.

I would hazard a guess that there is a lot that you don't know about your husband's drinking. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you need to face up to the reality as well.

I still drink btw but am not a huge drinker.But we still have parties etc and wine and dinner parties in the house.Dp was very keen to still have a 'normal' social life as at the beginning AA can be all consuming and it is not realistic to expect a whole new set of friends! After the initial alcohol free period dp decided he wanted to find a balance in his life and didn't want a pub and party free life.He truly doesn't miss it at all now although we don't mix with anyone who gets truly smashed regularly.Hopefully over time things will get easier x

I do agree about moderation though it is imho impossible for someone who doesn't have a natural stop button to moderate.There are such programs in the US like MM which are a watered down AA and really must be dreadful for an addict like a tease almost.I think most alcoholics have this 'ideal' when they first address their drinking but it s unfortunately a bit of a fantasy

I have had to accept that i can't drink moderatley, so have been completely sober for 9 months now. I would not go to AA, because my feeling is that I don;t want to spend the rest of my life sitting with people talking about alcohol, when it is the thing I am trying to escpae from! I know that a lot of people will disagree with me - that's just my own personal opinion. I have to agree with llaregguBOO that you can either drink 'normally' or not at all. It's generally a disater when out of control drinkers try to go back to moderate drinmking - i did it - I know . It is a very hard world out there with social drinkers, but it is possible to not imbibe. The results will be worth for him and you. My dh went through hell with me for 10 years and now I am proud to be a 'different person' (his words)

Good luck with whatever he decides

Thing is, he isn't there for a beauty contest, so appearance doesn't matter.

He has one thing in common with these guys, & that is the fact that he is an alcoholic.

If he keeps finding excuses, he will lose his teeth & be from a lower SE (I assume you mean socio-economic) group, just like the other men.

The only difference will be is that the other will continue to try, while your dp continues to make excuses.

And what is a serious drinker? An alcoholic. Therefore, how will he find an AA group less by serios drinkers?

*AA group less used by serious drinkers?

well said different.

Agree re all the messages about drinking in moderation.
It is a fantasy
My DB would binge, go sober for a few months, drink moderately for a few months and then spiral out of control into another binge and the cycle would continue.
He (and you) sound as if you are in denial about the problem
I feel for you DD, you and your DH have a long long long journey ahead of you, and this is going to get so much harder for you
Good luck

Haven't read the whole of this thread.

Can identify with coolma re. not wanting to go to meetings. I went to one Al-anon meeting about 4 years ago. I needed to go to confirm my suspicions that all was not well re. DP drinking. One visit was enough to confirm what I already knew. I haven't wanted to waste my time talking about alcohol. It already dominates my life.

My DP has been going to new AA meetings in a different area since the summer. He's preferred the increased chance of anonimity and the different approach.

Was all going swimmingly until about a week ago and now we are back to square one .

Darrell, that cycle of sobriety followed by moderate drinking which spirals out of control is exactly what my ex does now.

OP

"I thought perhaps one in a school / hall might be better / less used by 'serious' drinkers." Don't really know how to break this to you but ALL AA meetings are for "serious" drinkers! We don't go there because we used to eat too many smarties.

However, it is true that some meetings are more "front line" than others. Where do you live (approx)? i might be able to suggest some guidelines for picking a meeting.

FWIW I was 27 when I went to AA. Practically everyone was older than me and a lot of them had had a really bad time. I stopped going after a couple of weeks as this clearly wasn't for me.

Within a couple of months I was being called into the head's office at the school where I was training to be a teacher (how very middle class!) because I had drunk half a pint of warm white wine for breakfast and it was affecting my performance.

I hurried back to my toothless, common, non-teaching friends in AA, gradually condescended to allow them to save my life, and have been proud to call myself a member ever since.

FWIW

"DPs problem is actually not really what I personally would define as an alcoholic - though I know I started the thread as such. But more, when he drinks, he can often drink too much (8 to 10 pints in an evening) - though can go for a week without drinking with no worry."

That is EXACTLY what I personally would define as an alcoholic, if it's also causing problems for him and/or for those around him (which presumably it is, or else he wouldn't be hanging out in AA meetings and you wouldn't be posting on here.)

Volumes mean nothing it is the fact that you are powerless over it.One is too may 10 never enough?

Re CBT

I had that and it was brilliant for me.

But only once I had got sober. It wouldhave been a waste of time before.

I really agree with what llareggBOO has said. My DH did the majority of his drinking at home, because he was scared that he would be out of control in public.

He also held down a good job, has never been arrested, hasn't had any serious health problems etc.

But he was also suffering from crippling anxiety. He would shake and cry and vomit, and then pull himself together and go into work and hold down a 6 figure salary job. He would then drink at lunchtime to take the edge of the hangover/anxiety. He would then drink at least 1- 1 1/2 bottles of wine per night, plus whatever he didn't tell me about before he came home (probably a couple of pints/glasses of wine). He also didn't think you were an alcoholic if you were getting pissed on expensive chanpagne and $60 bottles of wine.

He tried moderate drinking. We would say "if you can moderately drink, then you'll be fine, you can keep on drinking and it will all be ok" and he would agree wholeheartedly. And then come home drunk that night.

I worried that we would be boring. That we'd be sitting there in the evening watching TV in silence. But we're really not. For one thing, I now feel free to do all sorts of things as I don't feel like I have to be at home to make sure he goes to bed, and doesn't open that third bottle of wine.

Secondly, he also has hobbies, so actually we spend very little time just vegging any more.

I could go on and on about how much our life has improved, but you probably wouldn't believe me. I think it's hard to imagine a life without alcohol when you drink, but honestly, it isn't just fine, it's like being set free.

'it's like being set free'. Absolutley.

OP

Been thinking about this overnight.

The honest, sad truth is that, whatever your husband says, deep down his problem with the meeting is almost certainly that he does not want to belong there. Rather than listen to the similarities with these men's stories (which will be many) he is desparately looking for reasons why he is not like them. Sadly, the longer he goes on drinking "problematically", the fewer and smaller those differences will be ...

FWIW here is a way of guaging who will be at a given AA meeting, if your heart is still set on avoiding the scary toothless men.

Most people in AA, like most people outside AA, are fundamentally creatures of comfort. As such, they will attend meetings that are most convenient to them. It follows that, IN GENERAL ...

meetings in or near asylums, prisons, mental health units, hospitals, ARPs, rehabs and detoxes will be most popular with the residents and users of that facility

daytime meetings will be most popular with people who do not work during the day time (though that includes the self-employed, the millionaires and the out-of-work actors as well as the rough sleepers)

meetings in poor areas of town will be more popular with people who do not earn much and meetings in rich areas of town will be more popular with high earners

Note, too, that, in smaller towns, AA is mucvh more "democratic" - everyone goes to the meeting that happens to be nearest and you get a good mix. In bigger towns, people are more likely to pick and choose, creating the sort of polarisation you describe.

hope this is of some help.

I don't know where you are, or if you would find this useful, but BBC Radio Scotland is having an alcohol awareness season at the moment. Some of the programmes and segments/blogs about what people think about their drinking and the effects it has have been quite an eyeopener.

Some of the comments have made me look my own drinking patterns. There was also a bit about the Celtic relationship with alcohol - and the culture of heavy drinking in Scotland.

SnowWoman

You know one of alcoholism's nicknames is "the Irish virus"?

Hadn't heard that one MIFLAW, but the particular bit I was listening to was an interview with Lesley Riddoch - makes a lot of sense in that context.