Alcoholic DP just came back from his first AA meeting...

[disappointeddrinker]

.... But was a disaster. He was upset, and said he will not go back.

He said there was about 15 people but they were all much older than him (26). Once he calmed down he said it was uncomfortable because they all had very serious drinking problems and he felt he could not relate to them. He said some men had no teeth etc and all seemed from a very low SE background.

I don't want to come across judgey because I certainly am not, but I can understand not wanting to sit in that environment either. I think mainly it's because they were all a lot older than him - and their drinking had obviously going on a lot longer / seemed more serious (debilitating).

I guess it's hard enough going to begin with but he is also very shy and said he couldn't imagine feeling comfortable speaking in front of that particular group.

The meeting he went to was in our local hospital's mental health unit - I thought perhaps one in a school / hall might be better / less used by 'serious' drinkers. And maybe there might be some younger people there?

Gosh - reading back this I feel it sounds as if I / he thinks he is better than all these people - but I really do think he has a point about the circumstances.

Can anyone here understand what I mean? Or offer any suggestions?

What other options are there?

I feel so confused and sad I was excited as this was a new start but it's over before it began.

[SnowieBear]

DD just to second all the good views of those in the know (MIFLAW and others) and to wish your DP good luck - it does take courage. My DH attends various meetings most weeks, and they are all different in terms of the people going, the feel of the meeting, etc. He actively seeks those differences - some meetings are more self-congratulatory (let's all pat each others backs), others very focused on step work. You have the large ones where he can get lost and take lessons, and the small, intimate ones.

My DH had for ages lots of issues regarding treatment with "inferiors", although he didn't mind that much drinking with them . I think he really engaged when he realised there's not a better class of alcoholic (there for the grace of god goes I...). It really doesn't matter if he doesn't think he is like those in the meeting - if in doubt, it's better to be a non-alcoholic attending AA meetings than to be an alcoholic not attending them. I hope that realisation comes to your DP in time, if what it takes is to find the right meeting for him to get him started, keep encouraging him until he does. I have the utmost gratitude to AA and its members - lots of those 'old timers' that look like they've been dragged backwards through a hedge are amazing and inspiring and they realise that they attend the meetings week-in, week-out not just to protect their sobriety, but also to be there for others, especially the terrified new bloke that crosses the threshold for the very first time.

[MIFLAW]

PS massive generalisation but school meetings tend to be a nice mix. Hope it goes well for him, DD.

[MIFLAW]

Sue

I just wondered because you mentioned Knightsbridge and seemed to have an idea of what the meetings there are like!

DisappointedDrinker - of course we all pick our meetings to suit ourselves and it is an excellent thing to be able to like and relate to our fellow members on a personal level as well as just being ex-problem drinkers.

What I meant (and, I would guess, what some others meant) is that your husband sounds like his problem is with the fundamental nature of AA, ie piss-artists talking in a room.

In other words, even though I tend to go to middle-class meetings in my nice middle-class bit of South East London, I can't kid myself that I am more than a drink away from becoming the tramp who turns up drunk. The ONLY fundamental difference between me and him is that he has had a drink today and I haven't and it is a dangerous folly for me to suggest otherwise.

In East London meetings, the tea is brick red and the coffee instant. In Primrose Hill, the coffee comes from a cafetiere and the tea is camomile. The man or woman who leaves either meeting saying AA's not for them doesn't tend to drink a lot of tea or coffee and so the difference resolves itself ...

[coolma]

So sorry to feel you're ashamed. It really shouldn't be like that - but sadly, I know what you mean. Somehow something like drinking should be something everybody 'does' and to admit youcan't 'do it properly' is difficult. I don't care anymore I have to say, if anyone asks, I just say I haven't had a drink for nine months cos I can't drink normally I say it very cheerfully and it usually shuts people up!

[disappointeddrinker]

Hi,

I have been reading the messages - thank you everyone.

DP has decided to try a meeting at a local school in the evening next week. So - feeling positive.

I know that all people who go to AA are there for one purpose, but I guess everyone's comfort levels are different. While I personally feel I could look beyond the exterior of the people in the meetings and listen for the similarities in our problems, I guess he just can't just yet.

I think admitting he has a problem and making a start in dealing with it has been a really tough psychological adjustment for him - so I just want to be as supportive as possible - and find the way he can cope with this, most comfortably.

I'll keep this thread updated when I have news.

Thank you all so much again! It has been incredibly helpful for me hearing other perspectives - I can't discuss this with anyone IRL - far too ashamed

[sobermother]

I am ashamed to say that I can totally understand where OP's h is coming from.

When I finally admitted I had an alcohol problem and went to an AA meeting, I was like a fish out of water.

Of course we all had the same terrible addiction and problem. But that's like saying all mothers at the school gates are the same because they have children.

The other people at the meeting were not like me. Yes I needed the help of AA, but I also needed a context that was right.

AA put me in touch with other women alcoholics and although their problem was the same, the way it played out was different and the way I needed to tackle it was different to them.

Eventually I traveled more than 200 miles weekly to go to a group that felt right for me. Where people could understand my patterns, and pressures, and could help me through it.

Now I am sober. But it took a while to find the right help.

I hope you can help your dp to look for the right approach for him. I hope he finds it. It is worth it.

PS. Glad to see MIFLAW on here: he's a gem.

[SueMunch]

MIFLAW - I don't think so as I'm West Mids based but I guess this is a common occurance - more proof to the OP that her partner should persist.

[MIFLAW]

Where are you from, SueMunch - would we have met "in the rooms"? I am in South East London these days ...

[MIFLAW]

Brilliant post, SueMunch!

After a few months in AA, I moved temporarily to London. One of the first things I did was go to one of these famous "young people's" meetings I had heard of - at last, it wouldn't be 28-year-old me surrounded by 40-somethings!

It is one of the only meetings I have ever walked out of. Here were all the people I had been terrfied of in the pubs and bars - too cool, too with it, too attractive, too matey, too good at drinking - and they were all in the same room as me at once! At least when I was the odd one out in AA I could feel a bit special and get big pats on the back from the 40-somethings for getting into recovery so young - here, I was nothing!

I went back to being an ordinary alcoholic in ordinary meetings and am much happier for it.

[SueMunch]

I'm speaking from experience here so bear with me. The reaction of the OPs partner is fairly standard for a first visit to AA.

Common reactions include:

*They are older than me

*They have lost everything

*They were on two bottles of vodka a day

*I've got nothing in common with them

*I won't end up like that

The list goes on.

If you think about it, it is so unrealistic that he would expect a room full of like-minded 26 years olds. He would only find that in one of his usual haunts

As other posters have said, he should go to other meetings - they all have a different feel.

But ultimately, he could go to an AA meeting in Knightsbridge and still be facing the same realisation - that he has a problem with alcohol.

If he has a problem, then I'm afraid it is a progressive one and is likely to get worse. So he may feel like an average 26 year old now but it will just spiral downwards - that's why he should try to visit AA again and listen with an open mind.

I'm not taking anything away from the OPs partner - it took real courage to go to that meeting. But it is an old path and one that can be avoided with help.

[SnowWoman]

Hadn't heard that one MIFLAW, but the particular bit I was listening to was an interview with Lesley Riddoch - makes a lot of sense in that context.

[MIFLAW]

SnowWoman

You know one of alcoholism's nicknames is "the Irish virus"?

[SnowWoman]

I don't know where you are, or if you would find this useful, but BBC Radio Scotland is having an alcohol awareness season at the moment. Some of the programmes and segments/blogs about what people think about their drinking and the effects it has have been quite an eyeopener.

Some of the comments have made me look my own drinking patterns. There was also a bit about the Celtic relationship with alcohol - and the culture of heavy drinking in Scotland.

[MIFLAW]

OP

Been thinking about this overnight.

The honest, sad truth is that, whatever your husband says, deep down his problem with the meeting is almost certainly that he does not want to belong there. Rather than listen to the similarities with these men's stories (which will be many) he is desparately looking for reasons why he is not like them. Sadly, the longer he goes on drinking "problematically", the fewer and smaller those differences will be ...

FWIW here is a way of guaging who will be at a given AA meeting, if your heart is still set on avoiding the scary toothless men.

Most people in AA, like most people outside AA, are fundamentally creatures of comfort. As such, they will attend meetings that are most convenient to them. It follows that, IN GENERAL ...

meetings in or near asylums, prisons, mental health units, hospitals, ARPs, rehabs and detoxes will be most popular with the residents and users of that facility

daytime meetings will be most popular with people who do not work during the day time (though that includes the self-employed, the millionaires and the out-of-work actors as well as the rough sleepers)

meetings in poor areas of town will be more popular with people who do not earn much and meetings in rich areas of town will be more popular with high earners

Note, too, that, in smaller towns, AA is mucvh more "democratic" - everyone goes to the meeting that happens to be nearest and you get a good mix. In bigger towns, people are more likely to pick and choose, creating the sort of polarisation you describe.

hope this is of some help.

[coolma]

'it's like being set free'. Absolutley.

[Ozziegirly]

I really agree with what llareggBOO has said. My DH did the majority of his drinking at home, because he was scared that he would be out of control in public.

He also held down a good job, has never been arrested, hasn't had any serious health problems etc.

But he was also suffering from crippling anxiety. He would shake and cry and vomit, and then pull himself together and go into work and hold down a 6 figure salary job. He would then drink at lunchtime to take the edge of the hangover/anxiety. He would then drink at least 1- 1 1/2 bottles of wine per night, plus whatever he didn't tell me about before he came home (probably a couple of pints/glasses of wine). He also didn't think you were an alcoholic if you were getting pissed on expensive chanpagne and $60 bottles of wine.

He tried moderate drinking. We would say "if you can moderately drink, then you'll be fine, you can keep on drinking and it will all be ok" and he would agree wholeheartedly. And then come home drunk that night.

I worried that we would be boring. That we'd be sitting there in the evening watching TV in silence. But we're really not. For one thing, I now feel free to do all sorts of things as I don't feel like I have to be at home to make sure he goes to bed, and doesn't open that third bottle of wine.

Secondly, he also has hobbies, so actually we spend very little time just vegging any more.

I could go on and on about how much our life has improved, but you probably wouldn't believe me. I think it's hard to imagine a life without alcohol when you drink, but honestly, it isn't just fine, it's like being set free.

[MIFLAW]

Re CBT

I had that and it was brilliant for me.

But only once I had got sober. It wouldhave been a waste of time before.

[bodycolder]

Volumes mean nothing it is the fact that you are powerless over it.One is too may 10 never enough?

[MIFLAW]

FWIW

"DPs problem is actually not really what I personally would define as an alcoholic - though I know I started the thread as such. But more, when he drinks, he can often drink too much (8 to 10 pints in an evening) - though can go for a week without drinking with no worry."

That is EXACTLY what I personally would define as an alcoholic, if it's also causing problems for him and/or for those around him (which presumably it is, or else he wouldn't be hanging out in AA meetings and you wouldn't be posting on here.)

[MIFLAW]

OP

"I thought perhaps one in a school / hall might be better / less used by 'serious' drinkers." Don't really know how to break this to you but ALL AA meetings are for "serious" drinkers! We don't go there because we used to eat too many smarties.

However, it is true that some meetings are more "front line" than others. Where do you live (approx)? i might be able to suggest some guidelines for picking a meeting.

FWIW I was 27 when I went to AA. Practically everyone was older than me and a lot of them had had a really bad time. I stopped going after a couple of weeks as this clearly wasn't for me.

Within a couple of months I was being called into the head's office at the school where I was training to be a teacher (how very middle class!) because I had drunk half a pint of warm white wine for breakfast and it was affecting my performance.

I hurried back to my toothless, common, non-teaching friends in AA, gradually condescended to allow them to save my life, and have been proud to call myself a member ever since.

[Snorbs]

Darrell, that cycle of sobriety followed by moderate drinking which spirals out of control is exactly what my ex does now.

[Merle]

Haven't read the whole of this thread.

Can identify with coolma re. not wanting to go to meetings. I went to one Al-anon meeting about 4 years ago. I needed to go to confirm my suspicions that all was not well re. DP drinking. One visit was enough to confirm what I already knew. I haven't wanted to waste my time talking about alcohol. It already dominates my life.

My DP has been going to new AA meetings in a different area since the summer. He's preferred the increased chance of anonimity and the different approach.

Was all going swimmingly until about a week ago and now we are back to square one .

[DarrellRivers]

Agree re all the messages about drinking in moderation.
It is a fantasy
My DB would binge, go sober for a few months, drink moderately for a few months and then spiral out of control into another binge and the cycle would continue.
He (and you) sound as if you are in denial about the problem
I feel for you DD, you and your DH have a long long long journey ahead of you, and this is going to get so much harder for you
Good luck

[bodycolder]

well said different.

[differentnameforthis]

*AA group less used by serious drinkers?