Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

One for the men of Mumsnet

107 replies

MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 22:45

Ok, imagine this: you're a man. You've been married for 15 years, you have 3 children under the age of 15. You've been in love with another woman for 8 years. She's the love of your life. She loves you too, passionately. But she marries someone else because she's afraid you'll never leave your family. You stay friends because you can't bear to not have some contact with her. But her marriage doesn't work out, for other reasons. She gets divorced. You realise she's free again. It's like a freakish twist of fate. You want nothing more than to be with her. But you know that if you leave your DW to be with her then your children will hate you. What do you do?

OP posts:

JeminTheDungeon · 09/10/2009 22:48

Why do you want us to play the 'lets imagine' game please?

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2009 22:49

Ignor the other woman, and get on with my life.

My kids are worth more to me than anything.

i've tried really hard to imagine I'm a man....I'm not doing very well, am I?

A man would risk it, unless he couldn't afford to pay maintanence and still support himself.

Ewe · 09/10/2009 22:51

Just asked the man...

He would leave the family, you can't predict the way children will react and he thinks that you can't have a happy marriage when you love someone else - it's living a lie. So he would leave, however he does also say that he would have left 8 years ago.

Original poster

MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 22:52

Thanks. Sorry about the "let's imagine", I'm not trying to be annoying. I am the OW and I don't know what he'll do. I love him absolutely. But I know I could never leave my own child. That's why I wondered how men would see it.

OP posts:

Tortington · 09/10/2009 22:53

a man would risk it - love sex on tap - cynical maybe - and i realise that its not all that makes up a man - but still.

would his children ahte him?

a father figure is so important - i think that women recognise the value and imporance and influence of 'mother' but ;father' is as important.

i dont think his children would hate him dependin on how it was actuated

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2009 22:54

Mr Scavo says he would stay with Wife and DC's because OW would want a child, get old and ugly, and he would be left in the same position he is in now.

Cheers, DH.

Ewe · 09/10/2009 22:54

Why hasn't he left before now?

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2009 22:55

X-posted, sorry.

JeminTheDungeon · 09/10/2009 22:55

Sorry MrsJelly- I sounded a bit rude...I understand now .

TequilaMockinBird · 09/10/2009 22:55

What LynetteScavo said

HeBewitcheditude · 09/10/2009 22:56

You stay with your wife because the only reason she's so attractive and the love of your life is because you don't live with her and put the bins out regularly and have to go to Sainsbury's with her on saturdays.

Once you've lived with her for a year and done normal stuff with her, she won't looks so great and you'll be pissed off that you've pissed your children off the rest of your life and smashed your marriage up for no good reason. And anyway, if this woman was the love of your life, you would never have let her marry someone else, you would have left your wife and children 8 years ago and made damn sure she didn't marry someone else.

She's not the love of his life. She's a self-indulgent fantasy.

TequilaMockinBird · 09/10/2009 22:56

Lynette's first post obviously

Original poster

MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 22:57

He came close to leaving some years ago. I lost my nerve, couldn't bear to think of the fallout, wasn't sure if I could handle the mess, felt morally repelled by the idea of wrecking someone's family. I panicked, basically. So I met someone else, married them, and tried to put him out of my mind.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2009 22:58

So, I'm "imagining" OW has a child. Is that right?

Men like to have their cake and eat it. If he can keep having illicit sex, and his wife and children, he will go for that option.

How does he feel about your child?

HeBewitcheditude · 09/10/2009 22:59

Oh it's you.

Is anyone on this thread a man?

HeBewitcheditude · 09/10/2009 22:59

Are there any MEN in the house?

50ftQueenie · 09/10/2009 23:01

Mr 50ft says he'd stay with the wife because he couldn't leave his children. He would value the love of his children over the love of the other woman. He says that if you love someone enough to have three children with them, then you bloody well make it work and that the other woman is just a fantasy.

ABetaDad · 09/10/2009 23:01

MrsJellyby - I am imagining I am a man and also that you must be one of these women. Am I right?

The man did not leave his wife before when the other woman was free and there is no evidence he will do so now the other woman is free again.

Northernlurker · 09/10/2009 23:02

dh says the man shuld try to resist all selfish urges and recognise that the other woman is not the answer to everything. It's a fantasy. He also said the man was a total moose.

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2009 23:03

Don't tell me, MrsJellyby...this man is the father of your child...not your exDH.

Are you writing a book?

ABetaDad · 09/10/2009 23:03

Apologies. I see you are the OW from another post. What I said still stands though.

Original poster

MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 23:03

Yes I have a child, a young child. He has no problem with that at all. He has only met her once, my choice, and held her with the most amazing tenderness. He says he would like to have a child with me.

OP posts:

StirlingNeedsAHoliday · 09/10/2009 23:04

You can never predict the way kids will react - I know someone whose husband had an affair, got ow pregnant so left wife and kids but older boy (approx aged 10) never spoke to dad again.

And yet you hear of other stories where everyone just gets on fine!

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2009 23:04

ABetaDad..you are imagining you are a man...now I'm really confused!

Original poster

MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 23:05

Not writing a book, just in love and wondering whether - and how - to kill it and move on if the truth is that he will never leave his family for me. My exDh is the father of my child.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5