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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One for the men of Mumsnet

107 replies

MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 22:45

Ok, imagine this: you're a man. You've been married for 15 years, you have 3 children under the age of 15. You've been in love with another woman for 8 years. She's the love of your life. She loves you too, passionately. But she marries someone else because she's afraid you'll never leave your family. You stay friends because you can't bear to not have some contact with her. But her marriage doesn't work out, for other reasons. She gets divorced. You realise she's free again. It's like a freakish twist of fate. You want nothing more than to be with her. But you know that if you leave your DW to be with her then your children will hate you. What do you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 23:40

BoF, I have a lot of conscience about this and, yes, I don't know how I would deal with that if he did ever leave. Edgar he's not my rebound. It's been a while since I divorced exDH now. It's definitely true, though, that feelings I'd buried did flare up once I'd divorced exDH. Even though exDH was a total arse to me I was never unfaithful to him, physically or emotionally (ok, I couldn't kill my feelings for the married man but I did bury them very, very deep and gave my all to DH at the time).

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 23:44

Lynette, I agree with your two choices. I feel repelled by the ultimatum. It seems like such a repugnant choice to put to someone. Maybe that's my answer. That and my belief as to how much he loves his children, mrsboogie.

OP posts:
AllGoneSouth · 09/10/2009 23:44

My friend found out her 'd'h had been having having an affair for 3 yrs. She met with the OW and got the whole "he's only staying with you for the kids" spiel.

Friend dumps 'd'h, OW opens her arms to him and guess what - he buggered off and married his other, other woman.

he is married - he is the one breaking his marriage vows. But if he really loved you he's had 8 years to make the break and be with you.

Cut loose and move on 'cos even if he did leave his dw for you you'll always wonder if he'll go back to her or even move on to someone else once the shine wears off.

Sorry to be blunt but that's life.

Original poster
MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 23:46

Blunt is good, AllGoneSouth.

OP posts:
bosch · 09/10/2009 23:54

DH says he agrees with 50ftqueenie.

I say - I used to ask questions like this (should I give him an ultimatum?) when i was 15 and didn't know if a bloke fancied me or not. When I met dh, I knew I loved him and I didn't need to ask anybody else's opinion. Sorry, if that's a bit mean, but if you can't just talk to him then it's not really real for me.

I would wish you the best of luck but I really hope that the children don't get hurt.

Original poster
MrsJellyby · 09/10/2009 23:59

Bosch - I'm not asking because I don't know whether I love him, or whether he loves me. Both those concepts are very clear. We have discussed them and everything else related to them in excruciating detail. But him loving me, on the one hand, and him loving his DW, children and family life, on the other hand, aren't mutually exclusive. I started the thread to try to understand how a man might see this choice. My fundamental position is that I could never leave my child for anything or anyone. I guess I have to assume that he probably feels the same.

OP posts:
Ewe · 10/10/2009 00:04

You aren't necessarily leaving your child when you leave a relationship though. My Mum left my Dad, he didn't cease to be my Dad because I didn't live with him and I didn't love my Mum any less because she was bonking someone else.

Leaving your adult relationship because you love someone else doesn't automatically mean you don't love your child. If he is ever likely to be with you, he will need to separate the two.

purpleduck · 10/10/2009 00:06

I truly feel children are hurt more by living with unhappy parents.
And if this guy really doesn't love his wife, then he is living a dishonest life and he is a coward for having both women but not actually being with either.

I know I want someone who would walk over coals for me. Why are you settling for so so much less?

HelishAngel · 10/10/2009 00:17

Similar situation here but of 2 years. Summary...he divorced eventually (something they both wanted) but still lived in the marital home (living separate lives) with their young son. In the end we had so much negative past and zero trust (from my side) I ended it before we got the chance to move in together. This happened very recently after not only finding out I was pregnant with his child but that there was already another woman on the scene. I have suspicions that there had been more than one.

I always had a hunch I would turn into the 'wife' as soon as commitment reared it's ugly head. And in being completely honest with myself and the world, I was just the stepping stone to freedom...he needed support to get through a divorce that he'd wanted for a few years before we met.

He had very clear narcissistic traits though...I just denied them and looked for the good...there was some! He's now pleasing himself and couldn't care less about his unborn child. I wish I'd never touched him with a barge pole and the best thing to happen to me in the last few years is having the strength and dignity to tell him where to get off! Now I have to concentrate on my own children and babe on the way.

OP...good luck in whatever you decide!

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2009 00:27

Haven't read all the postings, just the first few so apologies if I'm at a tangent -

OP, don't be too sure you're the love of his life. I believe "I'm staying for the children's sake" is second only to "my wife doesn't understand me" in the infidelity market. Sorry to be harsh, but it's what sprung to mind.

DuelingFANGo · 10/10/2009 00:39

Depends on the man doesn't it?

Some men would try to have both women at once, stringing the woman he didn't marry along, lying to the one he did.

DuelingFANGo · 10/10/2009 00:40

and if he really loved you more than his wife then he would have left already IMO.

BEAUTlFUL · 10/10/2009 17:47

It worked out for Charles and Camilla!

FABIsInTraining · 10/10/2009 17:51

No one can make this decision for you.

If he wanted to leave his wife for you, he would have done by now.

LilRedWG · 10/10/2009 17:53

Have asked DH and he said he would not leave the children as it would destroy their lives.

FABIsInTraining · 10/10/2009 17:58

I just asked MrFABinTrainig and he said "Stop being so selfish."

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 10/10/2009 18:09

Think you have to think that many men leave, and don't think of anything except the grass being greener.

He didn't leave then, probable he won't leave now. You have to perhaps entertain the thought that what he says and what he really feels may not be entirely the same thing.

If you got married to someone else, thinking that would 'do' then that was at best perhaps ill-advised.

Don't break up someone elses family, leave them alone.

If he really wanted to leave, he would do. He hasn't.

I feel for you, honestly, but perhaps you ought to look at life through your own eyes, and not trying to write a let's imagine script of how you would like life to be. It doesn't work like that, and why would you do that to 3 innocent children?

InThisSequinBraYesYouOlaJordan · 10/10/2009 18:36

Well, Mrs Jellyby, I'm one of those kids, and let me tell you, they will never get over it. Nor will they ever really accept you, and will secretly intensely dislike you and your child, and indeed, resent your child for having what they never had.

It is possible that they will have self-esteem, self-worth and relationship problems as a result.

You could be my now step-mother posting 25 years ago, it is almost the same situation, and I would strongly advise you to desist. Not that this man and his wife aren't having some problems, but they deserve the opportunity to sort them out without distraction.

InThisSequinBraYesYouOlaJordan · 10/10/2009 18:38

And, as stated above, sorry, but he has previous. Quite likely he'll do it to you too. I know for a FACT that my Dad has had at least one other woman on the go since he has been with my stepmum, as even she admitted to me, it's karma. And REALLY makes me feel that the trauma of my childhood was so worth it

colditz · 10/10/2009 18:49

It's very easy to have sex with someone you don/t love, but very hard to have sex with someone you don't love if you are passionately in love with someone else.

Ergo, his children are the living proof that this man cannot posssibly love you that mucch. He'd have lefvt years ago.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/10/2009 18:55

The truth is, if he'd loved you enough, he would have left years ago. Read some research once saying that if a man hasn't left after 2 years, he's never going to. Men in real love couldn't countenance the woman they love, marrying someone else.

Being kind to him, he might even be deluding himself that he's only there for the kids, but that really wouldn't be the truth. He loves his wife more than you, I'm afraid.

Hard as it is, own up to some bitter truths here and vow to yourself that he'll never leave. It would be the greatest kindness to an innocent family if you backed off now, because for 8 years, you have both greatly impoverished their lives.

But if nothing else, do it for you.

Jux · 10/10/2009 18:56

MrsJellyBy, I think you should give him the ultimatum. Simply because I think he'll squirm and wriggle and let you down. Then you'll be able to move on without ever having to wonder if...

stuffitllllama · 10/10/2009 18:57

I can't believe you want him to leave his children.

I can't believe you want a man to leave his children for you. Never mind him not loving you, you can't love him that much if you want him to do that.

I just can't believe you want him to leave his children.

stuffitllllama · 10/10/2009 18:58

How can you want someone to leave their children? What's the matter with you?

DeFluffMyFanjo · 10/10/2009 19:11

Held your child with such 'amazing tenderness'. Are you for real?

Hes not not leaving because of his children, hes not leaving because hes happy living with his wife and children and having you as a shag on the side.

You should want more for yourself. Pity his poor wife, at least you know he's a nob, she's probably unaware.

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