My trust in him is spiralling down, what can I do?

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The past month or two has shown me I am losing faith and trust in my DP. Talking between the two of us doesn't help. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from, nor what my point is. He tends to jump to the wrong conclusion, so this often causes unnecessary arguements. I feel I can't speak to him about issues anymore as it gets us nowhere and just causes more tension than there already is.

I have considered Relate, but we can't afford it really (I'm a student, DP works, but we struggle enough as it is each month). I don't know if DP would even go for it, as I'm not sure he even sees we have a problem. He doesn't talk to me like I want him to, and I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not sure what other avenues we could try? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. How have other people regained trust?

Sorry it has come up again.
He has not respected you at all has he?

It does not matter if 'anything' has happend or not - you do not feel comfortable about his friendship with this woman and he should at least understand that.
He can either invite her to be your friend too and hopefully a friend of the marriage or he can carry on as if things are fine.

What i would say is that you should have said something as soon as you found out - and as he said 'you did know' and unless you confront him he will think it is ok.

Dont be afraid to tell him as soon as you know about any contact that it is bothering you rather than let it fester away for a while.

I do think though you need to take some time to really think about what you want to achive - if he is not willing to give up contact then maybe he does not value the marriage as much as you would like him to.

Hopefully if you can bring this up and really spell it out to him he will have no excuse.
He may not think you are that serious about it though.

If he is having inappropriate conversations with another woman, and you are unhappy about them, you have every right to ask him to stop.

If the shoe were on the other foot, I doubt he'd sit idly by while you are typing sweet nothings.

Does this woman know he's married to you?

If so, she's being predatory and needs to back off. HE needs to tell her. If he doesn't then HE needs to be told to get the hell out.

If you don't deal with this to your satisfaction, you will lose all trust, and all respect in him. Once that's gone, no way back for either of you.

He needs to sit down and listen, his behaviour is unreasonble and unacceptable. He knows it upsets you, if he does nothing to stop that upset, he's working against your relationship somehow.

Take a deep breath, lay it on the line and stand rock solid firm. If he has to go, he has to go, you are worth better, miles better than that.

Thanks guys. Sorry I haven't responded sooner. Been hectic few days as DD is unwell.

Well when I had posted DP had gone to bed not saying a word to me. When I went to bed, I waited a while, then asked if he was going to talk to me at all. He said he had nothing to say, so I went to sleep. The following day I had a job on so had to go out. When I came home, DP apologised for his behaviour and said he had just lost it. I said I wasn't happy with it still, but he had to go to work and I won't be seeing him til the weekend. He knows I want to talk about this again when he's home.

I think deep down maybe I didn't really believe it would have been resolved. Probably just hoping it would be fine!

I did check his facebook again. There has been 9 messages between them. Most of it is just updates on what they've been doing. She had asked him if the both of us would go visit, so that may me feel a tiny bit relieved that she knows I'm with him and that maybe she isn't interested in him the way that I thought she was.

She was in a crash a couple of days ago, she wrecked her car and DP told me. I did wonder whether to send her message to her on FB to say DP had told me and I just wanted to say I hoped she was okay and see if I could find out more about her that way. It would be nice to see how DP would react to me contacting her without telling him to see if he is worried by it or not. But then saying that I dunno whether that's a good tactic or not.

However obviously the main issue here is still with DP, and I'm not for one minute saying me speaking to her may make things better.

I haven't got that book whenwillifeelnormal yet, but I just ordered it off Amazon so that should be here before the weekend hopefully.

Happywoman you are right, I should have said something, I'm not sure why I didn't. I feel like maybe I have to keep checking his facebook now to see what is being said. She told him that her msn isn't working so she can only speak to him on facebook. They use to text, but she has a boyfriend now so I'm guessing she doesn't want to text DP otherwise her fella might get suspicious of their friendship as well. Could be wrong, but that's my impression!

And groundhogs you are right about working against us. I will say that to him and see how he responds. I think I may also see about the counselling through my uni, as I'm going there tomorrow depending on if DD is better.

I'm toying with the idea of righting a message to him so he can see it in black and white about what I'm feeling and see if it gets into his head more, or whether to wait and talk to him properly about it.

And just to top it off, found out from DP that his friend is moving back in with him where he lives now (which I already knew and wasn't overly happy about as his friend likes to drink and can easily influence DP) but DP said he wanted to join a gym with friend, which probably wouldn't be until Jan. This upset me, and I did tell him, as January was the month we decided that if we couldn't find DP a job nearby, he would just move in in Jan and commute to where he works now.

I told DP I was annoyed by it because of our plan, and said it looks like at the weekend, we need to talk about things as obviously his plans have changed or something has at least. DP said he was sorry he annoyed me, but wanting to join a gym doesn't mean he doesn't want to move in. He still wants to asap. I said that he struggles enough as it is waking up early (which he does, he works night shifts so is usually not up til 1 or 2pm) and that if he struggles now to get up, how is he going to force himself to get up to go work out? He then told me to stop it, and do I not have any faith in him whatsoever?

Turns out I don't, as now I have this on my plate which he wasn't honest with me about. Maybe it's just him being a guy and not figuring out the logics of it all, but to me, it looks like he's quite happy how things are and has no intention of moving in asap. And it's really really upset me, and I don't think he has any idea how much he has been upsetting me the past few days. Maybe I am being stupid and overreacting but I'm a great believer in "actions speak louder than words" and this to me speaks more loudly than just wanting to join a gym as stupid as I feel for typing that out.

I think you are feeling like this for a reason.
He really is not showing your feelings much respect is (even if he does not agree with them). He shows he is willing to overlook how you feel for his own agenda. He is going to do what he wants regaurdless of you.

You can either put up with that or do something about it now.

good luck.

Thanks happywoman. I know you're right. I have just sat here for the past hour typing out a long message to him. 5 pages long so far in fact. I talked about the gym and the woman and what I want from him. I even mentioned emotional affair in it, and put a link in that describes what one is exactly. Maybe that will open his eyes... I'm considering sending it just so he can read it and then talk to him properly when I see him next.

But I know I have to do something now, whether it's the way I want it to go or not, as I don't want to put up with it. I have enough stress as it is without worrying about our relationship too.

Okay I've decided to either send the email to him the night before he comes home, or wait until he is home, ask him to read it and go out for half hour or something.

When I speak to him, I want to make it clear to him that if he doesn't be honest with me like I've asked him to, then we will go to counselling. Hopefully that will open his eyes to how serious I am, as he knows I've been through counselling before and don't like relying on other people to help me.

Like I said hopefully this will make it more real to him how serious I am. Maybe it won't. If it doesn't, I will still keep to my word and arrange relationship counselling, but I will also consider my options as to our future as if he's not willing to work with me, then there's not much of a future for us is there? I hate this part

stay strong

I think it would be fair to email it to him so he can have time to read it without you asking him about it. Then you can sit down when he gets home and ask him what he feels.

Remeber though that he may read something different to what you are trying to say.

Yeah I am worried about that, as when I try to talk to him and explain things, he tends to think I mean something completely different. I've read it over and over and to me it makes sense, but obviously it would do! I suppose I'll just send it and hope for the best.

Good luck with the talk

Let us know how it goes.

Thanks HappyWoman.

Well on the Sunday I spoke to him about the whole gym thing with his friend. That caused enough problems as it was. He reacted really badly to it, got angry, said he was sick of us not just being able to be happy and that things kept coming up. I agreed with him, but obviously he wasn't seeing my side of things. I asked him if he could see my pov and he said no, so I gave up.

The following day, he was at mine whilst I was at uni. I texted him and told him about the letter I had wrote him, as I hadn't gotten round to sending it to him. I told him where to find it and to read it before I got back. He was quiet for a while and then said he was thinking of going back to his parents to think things over. I said okay, and rang my best friend (luckily this was all on my lunch break) and so was able to talk about it and not have it stored up. DP then said he wasn't going to go back to his parents, he was going to come into town and wait until I finished uni.

So when I left, we met up, it was very awkward. I didn't want to start the conversation so waited for him. He asked me what we were going to do about things because he felt neither of us could carry on like we were for much longer. I agreed but didn't answer his question as I felt I had said enough and wanted him to do the talking for a change.

So he then said to me about how much he loves me, and the last thing he wants to do is hurt me. So he said that he felt if his friendship with this woman was hurting our relationship, then it wasn't worth it so he was going to stop talking to her, and delete her off FB and MSN etc. He said he wasn't doing it because he knew that was what I really wanted, but because he wanted to make things better, and he said he promised he would. He wants us to talk about things more properly tomorrow as he had to go for an emergency dentist appointment, so had to go home early, but said he promises he'll come home and talk to me. So at the moment, I feel okay. Don't want to hold my breath obviously as I've been in this position before, but obviously if he can show me he is determined to do this and show me he has, then maybe it'll be okay. But like I said, I'm still on the fence about it all until I see changes.

he seems to be talking the talk - he now needs to walk the walk.

Hope he can do that for you.

Take care and good luck

Thanks happywoman. Means a lot to me.

And my thoughts exactly. I told him at the weekend I don't want him saying things because he thinks that's what I want to hear. Hopefully he'll understand that at least and I won't have to resurrect this thread again!

Thanks again

Though I just looked on FB and he has deleted her, so looks like he's going to stand by his word... we shall see.