My trust in him is spiralling down, what can I do?

[ChangedIdentity]

The past month or two has shown me I am losing faith and trust in my DP. Talking between the two of us doesn't help. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from, nor what my point is. He tends to jump to the wrong conclusion, so this often causes unnecessary arguements. I feel I can't speak to him about issues anymore as it gets us nowhere and just causes more tension than there already is.

I have considered Relate, but we can't afford it really (I'm a student, DP works, but we struggle enough as it is each month). I don't know if DP would even go for it, as I'm not sure he even sees we have a problem. He doesn't talk to me like I want him to, and I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not sure what other avenues we could try? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. How have other people regained trust?

Thank you whenwillIfeelnormal. I will look for that book tomorrow. Reading your post makes things make more sense. I suppose I feel threatened as I am worried it will lead somewhere more and start distanting himself from me.

Now that you mention it, we haven't talked about why he was doing it. He told me he was just being friendly with her, he didn't think he was being flirty or misleading her but could see how it could be seen that way. He just said it was the way he's just always talked to her which worries me that he doesn't seem to realise there are certain boundaries when you're in a relationship.

It may just be the way he is - but this ow is getting something out of it too. He is giving her something that you feel is not right, whether that be friendliness or more.

True. I had asked him if he would act that way to a female friend we are both close to, who actually got us together. And he said he wouldn't dream of acting that way to her as it would feel wrong. So it does make me feel that he is attracted to this woman in some way, whether it is physically, emotionally, or just because she has taken a shine to him in some ways and he likes the attention.

I wish he would see it like that. He just tells me she's a close friend so I have a feeling he wouldn't even consider stop contact with her.

I know its not her fault in any way but how about making sure you are friends with her too.

Make her see how 'close' you are.

They could just be friends in which case she surely would understand anyway.

Hmmm..that MIGHT work Happy Woman, but I just have this awful feeling that OW might be already "finding fault" with OP and has turned her into an enemy that must be obliterated at all costs. I do accept however, it is harder to hate a woman who is unfailingly kind to you and if she is a basically decent sort, it might make her think twice.

The problem here is the man though. Getting this OW to back off doesn't really sort the problem, does it? Another OW could come along at any time, with a very different set of values and the same thing could happen again.

I just don't think he's being honest with you - and maybe not with himself. You're absolutely right that if he wouldn't engage in such texts with your appropriate and well-meaning friend - and he agrees, what he actually means is "because I don't fancy her."

Getting to the root cause of why this is happening seems to me to be the only sure-fire way of affair-proofing your relationship.

You hit the nail on the head ChangedID

I used to be quite niave about men/women friendships and my DH now and I are quite clear that if such a friendship makes either of us unhappy - it stops! We are each other's priority and that is how it should be. It makes life easier for us that we went into this relationship together with no strong other sex friendships so neither of us was aksing the other to end an existing friendship - just not to develop any new ones. It can be very hard sometimes to see whan a line is being crossed and when you make an emotional connection with an opposite sex friend - that is a danger zone.

In answer to your OP - you actually seem to know the answer. While counselling etc might help and there are probably some things you can do to assist with your own insecurities, in this case your DP has to give something too and yu actually seem quite clear on what that is.

Befriending the woman might not be such a bad idea. She might be very nice, after all. And the more friends you have, the more self-esteem you will have, and the more self-esteem you have, the lesss it will be bound up with policing your H's behaviour. Because a happy, confident partner is more appealing than one who is snooping and sobbing and going 'pleeeeease love me the most, don't leave me,' or issuing threats or commands.
Because the thing is, you cannot actually stop a partner from having or wanting sex with other people at least, not without a degree of force that almost everyone would find unethical. You can warn a partner that a breach of monogamy will mean the end of the relationship, but someone who is determined to have sex with other people will do so.

Dittany, I understand that. I suppose I will have to play it by ear with how he responds to what I say. I'm planning on speaking to him at the weekend, so that gives me a couple of days to think over what exactly I want to say and what I will have to say if it's clear he isn't going to listen/respect/see my point of view. But you're right, and I know deep down, if he loved me enough, and wanted our relationship enough, his friendship with her wouldn't stand in the way.

Happywoman, I had considered it. I have never met her, and now I don't like the idea of doing so. I've seen her on Facebook, she commented on one of our photos once saying "too cute" on a photo of me and DP together. I responded saying it was one of my fav pics of us together, which sounds very much like I was marking my territory as I wasn't sure if she was just being friendly or being sly. Yes I feel like I'm becoming paranoid and looking into every little thing now.

I actually said to DP once when I was a little concerned about their friendship that I would feel better if I knew her, like DP knows my male friend. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. Now with all this, it makes me wonder why that was exactly... I sometimes wonder whether to message her on Facebook. Not to be accusing or mean to her, but to say I want us to be friends since she is so close to DP. But I wonder now if DP would have warned her perhaps about how things have been... And I dunno how I would feel speaking to her. Oh I really don't know what is best to do anymore.

Thank you everyone for your posts.

WhenwillIfeelnormal, I know now I need to see if I can find a reason for this. As I didn't think that it might just be this woman, that it might just be DP, and it could happen with someone else.

Aussieng, that seems very fair to me. Yes I know what I want. I don't know if I'll get it though.

Solidgoldbrass, I guess you're right there, that if he is after something, then I can't really stop that because our relationship obviously isn't enough for his needs.

On another thread I recived a lot of advice how how it start trying to get my life back together post affair. One of the most valuable things said as regards getting my relationship back together (thanks whoever it was!) was to try and identify what my husband got from his relatsionship with OW that he does not get from oiurs. It strikes me it could be simple; adoration, flirting with no mention of dirty socks!, feeling attractive, younger whatever. It need not be sinister on its own but might quickly become an issue if there are things unspoken/hidden.

You may find you do not mind this OW providing an opportunity to giggle for your husband (though I reckon that is unlikely myself!!) but it might be an opportunity to ensure your relationship with husband continues to meet both of your needs - and that can only be good can't it! It is quite clear that he is not meeting your needs at the moment, but to fair he is not a mind reader!

That's a good point gonnabehappy. I hadn't thought of that.

Just spoke to dp. He's not happy too much at the moment either and said he thinks we're not even happy together anymore. He says he's happy with me but feels he's not making me happy. So looks like I'm gonna have to talk to him properly asap so I can make it clear why I'm unhappy.

I read somewhere that women who trust their gut instinct are right 85% of the time. Thats pretty high odds. So I would say that if you feel things aren't right - then they probably aren't.

Right, I'm going to put the harsh hat on now....

I've just re-read your OP where you say you and DP argue a lot, there is tension and strain in your relationship, that you aren't communicating and aren't connecting and you feel trapped.

To me this sounds like a bigger problem than just the trust issue you have raised. I think the suspicions about the other girl are a smokescreen - you need to ignore this for now as it is stopping you from focussing on the real issues that are going on in your relationship with him.

Fundamentally, are you sure he still wants to be in a relationship with you and are you sure you still want to be in one with him. Funny question I know and I've probably phrased it in a clumsy way, but do you 'want' to him to still be contacting this girl so you can ' untrap ' yourself ? Do you think he's carrying on so he can use this ( and your reaction ) an excuse to get out ?

Maybe it will help if you imagine a friend came to you and described her relationship in the way you described yours, what would you advise her to do ?

Sorry OP - I cross posted there. Good luck with the talk

That's a really empowering and helpful things for your DP to have told you. It is very hard being in a relationship where you feel that you are not making another person happy - it hurts your self esteem to think that you are contributing to them being miserable. If, feeling that way, you then spend time with someone who responds positively to you and makes you feel that they enjoy being with you thus building your self-esteem - well it is easy to see why that is dangerous...

Hopefully you can pinpoint and resolve your unhappiness and this will do you both so much good.

oh i know that there could be other ow if he so wants - but he is not seeing this one as a threat and i think op should keep a really close eye on it.
See how he reacts to that - if he is too defensive be aware.

Thanks the tattooedmagpie. As far as he tells me he wants us to work out and be happy. I do want us to be happy too. You are right, that our communications are not good at the moment, and me bottling this up at the moment obviously isn't helping. But yes I think at the moment, I need to talk to him about our relationship, what we both need and want from, bring up the OW only slightly in the sense that I'll say I'm still uncomfortable with the situation, is there a reason why he still talks to her that maybe I'm not giving to him.

Aussieng, I understand that. There have been times where he has been down and I've worried I've not been making him happy, so I can understand him worrying. Hopefully we can get this sorted soon.

Happywoman, I will. I'm kind of building up his reaction in my head, but he may react completely differently to what I expect, but I suppose I won't know for sure until I speak to him properly.

I think you are half way there - you both want to be together and want you to both be happy. Yes, you need to do some real talking, some serious connecting, but at least you are starting from same point. x

Thanks gonnabehappy. I hope so. I'm just worried I'll end up bringing up stuff that would borderline sound like I'm accusing him of stuff, particularly since he jumps to conclusions anyway. I keep writing down what I want to say, even though I'm repeating myself, but new things crop up or I find a different way of saying it. I just hope we can work through this.

Changed - I'm a bit worried you've misinterpreted some advice here. Certainly what I've been saying is that this relationship is absolutely not okay by any standards. It's not okay for you and if he would but admit it, it would absolutely not be okay with him if you were texting another man inappropriately - and then had the cheek to say "I don't think that would be a good idea" if your DP wanted to meet him!

Once you get him to see himself that it is not okay, then you work on why he wants it and needs it.

But the relationship with this woman needs confronting, absolutely. I wouldn't be going round the houses about that at all.

Her facebook comment sent alarm bells FWIW - unless she sees herself as a heroine in an Evelyn Waugh novel, no-one uses phrases like that in a positive way. I think what she means is that it (the photo) was a bit pappy - and chose a manipulative way of saying that.

Can you hack into the FB account at all?

Don't be afraid of saying this relationship is unacceptable to you. It would be for him if the shoe was on the other foot - and we're all saying it would be unacceptable to us. Deal with that first and then get to the root of what caused it. But I fear that if you delve into the relationship issues first, you might get lip service so that he can carry on.

WhenwillIfeelnormal, thank you again for your advice. Sorry, I haven't been thinking too straight the past couple of days, so I'm probably just confusing myself.

You are right. I know he would not be happy with it at all if it was the other way around. The FB comment I was a bit about which was why I replied, as immature as that may make me sound. I do know his password for his FB account but as far as I'm aware, though I could be wrong, any communication between them goes via text or MSN and that's on his laptop at where he stays during the week. I think he's also wary not to speak to her on MSN at mine now in case the conversations are saved, though he is bright enough to know how to stop this and where the conversations would be saved and just delete them. Also her account is on private so I can't view it properly.

And I know really I need to bring up the friendship, as I am one of those people who may forgive, but don't forget, and this could be something that will still bother me in years to come, so again I know you're right when you say I need to tackle this first. I feel physically sick and scared of the idea of talking to him though.

Do you think I should snoop on FB?