My trust in him is spiralling down, what can I do?

[ChangedIdentity]

The past month or two has shown me I am losing faith and trust in my DP. Talking between the two of us doesn't help. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from, nor what my point is. He tends to jump to the wrong conclusion, so this often causes unnecessary arguements. I feel I can't speak to him about issues anymore as it gets us nowhere and just causes more tension than there already is.

I have considered Relate, but we can't afford it really (I'm a student, DP works, but we struggle enough as it is each month). I don't know if DP would even go for it, as I'm not sure he even sees we have a problem. He doesn't talk to me like I want him to, and I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not sure what other avenues we could try? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. How have other people regained trust?

Yes - and on anything else you can think of.

Okay I looked. Feel rotten for looking though. The only things I could see was that he has sent her two messages on there that she hasn't replied to. One was 23rd September, saying hey you, how are things, etc. Second was 3rd Sept again asking how she was. I had a look on her profile, first time I've seen it properly. She's in a relationship which shocked me. I'd understand if she was single, but now I'm just confused. They made some comments to each other a couple of weeks ago over nothing important.

So there wasn't a lot there, but I didn't really expect to find a lot, as I know DP doesn't really use Facebook much. I have the password for his MSN/hotmail account. I had a look but again there was nothing in emails. I noticed on MSN he had made her her own group for her email address, like he has done with mine, and another girl who I've never heard of which has made me wonder who she is. In his hotmail account, there isn't anything unordinary. It looks mostly like spam.

But obviously he knows I know these passwords, so if he had something to hide, he wouldn't leave it around right? I can't see any old MSN conversations as they'll be on his laptop which he never brings home with him, and his phone is always glued to him except at night when he turns it off.

Changed. I know this is horrible, but I do think unless you can find out something from a source other than him, you'll drive yourself mad. The phone is the key though. That's how they communicated last time, wasn't it? You could check it tonight (the log as well as the sent and received messages) and check the gallery for pictures of her, as you know what she looks like. Check for hidden files too and if there is an option to check what's on the memory card and the SIM alone, check that. It might mean getting up in the night.

Another idea another MNetter gave on her recently was to go to her name in contacts and change her number to yours. That way you can see what he's sending her - and he won't check the number. The only difficulty I see with this (unless someone can tell me otherwise) is that it will show up as a different number (and not his name) on her phone when he texts her.

You can also buy a SIM card reader which allows you to read the last 20 or so deleted texts from a mobile, but it's up to you how far you would want to go with this.

I know all this is a million miles from a happy, trusting relationship, but it really worries me that you're feeling physically sick about even speaking to him about this. In that sense, it really does seem as though there's more going on here than a loss of trust.

Let us know how you get on and a big hug.

I suppose you are right as I know really I have only his word to go on, and with how things have been for me, I don't think I could fully trust his word right now. He won't be home til Saturday night.

I don't think I would want to change her number to mine, because if she did text him then it wouldn't come up with her name which would mean he'd probably look at the number and see it's mine. Plus it feels too deceptive doing that. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

I guess you are right. Maybe I'm worried there's something more. But I will let you know with what happens, if I find anything and when I speak to him.

Hi Changed,

Something I forgot to add. In your OP you said you had considered Relate but couldn't afford it and that you are a student.

Most universities offer a counselling service for free to students - and would cover personal and relationship issues. (I work in HE and had couples counselling there, but this was also available to students ).

Might be worth finding out if you are at Uni.

Look, I know you feel sick searching for info but there really is enough for you to feel worried here. Can you carve out some time when you and he can talk at weekend? I still think you want to start with describing how you feel as opposed to being accusatory but that does not mean it is in anyway acceptable for him to treat you with less than respect, openess and honesty.

To me it sounds as though this might be a platonic relationship...bear in mind I have a history of getting these things wrong though...BUT if it is causing this anguish it is harmful to your relationships anyway. He has to understand this in order to 'do the right thing'. In my opinion that means stopping contact but you might be happy if she (and presumably her partner) enters your 'as a couple' social network I don't know. I am sure I would not trust her at all - anyone who flirts with a married man behind his wife's back would not make much of a friend I think!

He needs to make some commitment to helping you feel secure tho.

I so hope it all works out and this is one of those 'blips' Will keep everything crossed.

thetattooedmagpie, thank you for that. I will have to ring up and find out if they do. Would be handy.

Gonnabehappy, I plan on talking Saturday night. He is back to work Monday so obviously it will be Saturday or Sunday, and I don't really like the idea of talking Sunday and then him disappearing for a week when he goes back to work. I don't know if I would feel comfortable talking to her and getting to know her. I'm not sure how DP would feel about that as when I've mentioned it before, he said he didn't think it was a good idea for me to get to know her better. And I agree, I don't like being friends with people who are liars and well whatever you would term under "bad people". I don't talk to my sister as she lies and uses my parents to pay for her debts (there's another story).

I do really want it to work out. But I suppose we have to see.

I think another good question is to ask him if he is doing anything he thinks you would not be happy about. And whether he would be happy for you to have such a friendship with another man.

Of course he has something to hide then he will lie anyway - but hopefully it will shift some of the guilt onto him.

I know when my h was having his affair he said it was so much harder when i did try and confront him about how 'unhappy' i was and asked him to be close to me, he had to think about how hurtful he was being - rather than seeing me as the nagging wife.

Happywoman, yes I think that's a good question to ask. I am worried as I know he's been stressed a lot of the time lately, he's not happy with a lot of things, so then I feel guilty when I need to bring up unhappy conversations like this to him. I will do it as I need to, but I can't help feeling like crap for doing it, as stupid as that sounds.

DP is on his way home now. Obviously I'm not going to talk to him until DD is in bed. I'll try and keep calm when I'm talking. I keep kind of going over it in my head what I wanna say. Like I know I'll start by just bringing her up and asking if he still speaks to her much, see his reponse, then talk about how it still bothers me and how it's been affecting me. I will ask if there's anything he's not getting from me that he is with her, and if he thinks he's doing anything I wouldn't be happy with like happywoman suggested. Getting a little bit nervous about it at the moment, but we shall see how it goes.

ahh yes the old 'hes stressed' line.

Again been there done that. All too often these men get 'stressed' when really what they are feeling is guilty.

Ask him what you can do to take away some of the stress - and i bet it wiill be 'your fault' for not trusting him. Please think about your needs too - you need to feel secure and his behaviour is just not making you feel that at the moment.

From the sounds of it, it is going to be tough so good luck.

Thanks. I do appreciate your posts and everyone elses. I will do my best to concentrate on myself, and not worry about upsetting him, iykwim. As in, I won't sugar coat my feelings and worries to not upset him, otherwise I know a month down the line, I will be right back to where I am now.

Thinking of you.

Ny best advice (considering you both seem to want to work it out) is to go to Relate. They offer bursaries, so if you are on low/no income you won't have to pay at all. This mistrust and miscommunication is not helping you and they will defo be able to help with that

Just a quick post. Started by asking him if he still talks to her, he said he texted her his new number (changed it about a month ago), didn't hear nothing from her, she hadn't responded to her FB messages which he brought up. So he said he hasn't heard from her. He said that he is not that bothered. I asked him if he had thought about the whole situation before since we talked last, he said yes but tries not to as it upsets him as to how he's upset me so much. I told him I'm not comfortable with it, and brought up all the reasons why. Asked what would he do if she got back in contact with him, and he said he probably wouldn't talk to her as much as he had done. Said he didn't talk to other girls like that. Can't remember much else at the moment, head's still buzzing. He's gone toilet, so will keep talking to him in a min. Just a quick update. Thank you all.

Me again, just to add more to what's been said. He said that he knew he was wrong, and after that, had talked to her less and was wary of how he was acting around her. He said he's worried that this will continue to linger over us. He thinks that he needs to show me his committment to our relationship, such as marriage. He said he wants to be more open and honest, and has been trying, which I have noticed. He did mention that if she got back in contact, he would still talk to her, but not as much. I told him how I felt about that. So not really sure at the moment where we're heading, will suggest maybe Relate or something as I think that may benefit us, I'm not sure. Sorry it's a quick post again, still can't fully remember all that has happened, happened so quick. Not sure how I feel about what he has said, need to let it digest I think. Off to bed now though.

I have to say that does all sound positive.

Try and give him some credit now but keep a wary eye on things - but dont dwell on it too much.

It may that he did just get a bit too close and has pulled himself on that.

Hi HappyWoman. Yes I felt much better after sleeping on it and rethinking about what was said. I definetly feel more positive for talking about it, and at the moment believe him so will give him the benefit of the doubt. Today has felt very relaxed which is a good thing, and I'm feeling much happier too. But like you said, I'll keep an eye on it, see how things go, but feeling a lot better

I am sure will need more reassurance as time goes on but it really sounds as though you are off to a good start. He sounds as though he is committed to making you happy. Keep going!

Yes I do hope so. I said to DP I need to feel secure and be reassured which he said he would do, and I will do the same like wise. We've had a good day today and it has reminded me a lot that I do love him very much and want this to work out so much.

that is good - glad that the talking helped - i think it is always wrong to bottle up your feelings as that leads to resentment.

Heres hoping he is not doing anything silly and that as time goes on you will feel that this was nothing more than a silly blip. And will be able to laugh about it all.

Changed, I havent read the whole thread so apologise if what I am about to say has already been stated.

Your DP may qualify for a free employee councelling service that both of you can use, for example this, may be worth him speaking to HR to see if his company operates such a scheme, the councelling provided does not have to be work related. I used a scheme like this in my old job, before I was made redundant, to have councelling for infertility issues. Also, your place of education may offer a similar scheme, Usually they are free and always completely confidential.

Again apologies if you already know this. All the best.

Happywoman, yes I think that's one of my problems, always bottling things up. I have been learning to do this less. And yes I hope so to!

Glasgowlass, thank you, I had not heard about that, so I will have a look into that. It is very useful to know.

Can't believe I'm having to resurrect this thread, but I'm not happy again.

Over a week ago I asked DP to check if he had an email about a show we're going to see as we hadn't received the tickets. So he did this and I was sat with him. When he went on his inbox, I said he had a message from this woman. I didn't say anything as I thought I'd leave it and see what happens. A few days passed and he never mentioned it. She then posted on his facebook. I saw it first on his wall so mentioned it to him, hoping he'd say something like she had already messaged him a few days ago. Nothing happened. Now we are over a week from this and I've noticed he had been going on facebook much more since she asked him to (never did when I asked).

So I brought up today. I probably could have worded it better, but I couldn't think of anything before hand. I said when were you or were you going to tell me you're talking to her again? He said he couldn't believe we were bringing this up again, and why couldn't we just be happy. I said I had asked him to be honest with me. He said he wasn't going to tell me everything that is said. I said I just wanted him to have told me he was back in contact with her. He said I already knew as she posted on his wall. But apparantly they have been sending messages to each other which obviously I can't see. I said that what had happened still really bothers me. He got in a huff, said why couldn't I just leave it alone and asked if this was going to always happen and went to bed.

Now I'm wondering what to do. I feel like he's not taking me seriously when I said I wanted him to be honest. Or maybe he just thought as the past month has been fine, we're all fine. It appears he doesn't get it from my pov. If he thinks I'm overreacting, then I think I may have to reconsider things which I'm dreading. I'm not sure what to think again

Changed. I'm sorry to say this, but I wasn't convinced last time that this had been resolved. In my view, he actually just doesn't respect you - and I think you are far too tolerant and submissive about this. It is unacceptable behaviour - he wouldn't accept it for a minute if the boot were on the other foot - and it shouldn't be acceptable to you.

You still haven't established what he is getting out of this. Well, you knew how to hack into his facebook last time, I'd advise you to do the same again. He is hiding all this contact for a reason. I suspect he's still convincing himself that he has done nothing wrong, but probably has appalling double standards if you did the same.

Did you ever buy that book and get him to read it?