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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be worried my dh is cheating?

99 replies

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 12:44

Right, I've name changed for this because anyone reading it will know it's me and I want to keep my other identity secret.

On saturday morning I was sitting on my bedroom floor drying my hair and noticed 2 pairs of womens underwear that are not mine. I asked dh where they had come from and he said he hasn't seen them before and doesn't know where they came from. I have asked various people if they are theirs or know how they got into our room (dd, neighbour, suster etc) and no one has any answers.

I haven't actually accused dh of anything but he knows what is on my mind and has become angry that he is doubted. I have found his behaviour a bit twitchy regarding this but it could just be me being utterly paranoid and looking for any explanation.

A couple of my neighbours who I am close with have reassured me that they have never seen any unusual comings or goings at my house when I'm at work (they are SAHM's).

I have been in turmoil all weekend about this and I am shaking just typing it because I have a feeling I know what you lot will say.

I have no other reason to doubt my dh and I feel gutted that I have to now. I'm terrified my family is going to fall apart either because he is doing something or because I am accusing him!

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 28/09/2009 14:57

Women are known to try and squeeze into underwear that's too small for them they could well be hers, especially if they wouldn't be massively too small for her.

Is it possible that some classy woman (or women) gave them to him on the drunken night out, and he has forgotten about them or is just too embarrassed to admit this?

Original poster

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 15:04

no, we provide dusters - I bloomin hope she's not dusting with pants - yuk!

I do wonder if dh knows where they came from but doesn't want to say for an embarresing reason. When I held them up on Saturday morning and said what are these doing here his reply wasn't initially aren't they yours - it was I dunno (and I think he might have said I didn't put them there but I might be remembering wrong!)

He did say afterwards are you sure they aren't yours though.

Oh I don't know - I'm going round in circles with this one hoping for a decent outcome!

OP posts:

humblemum · 28/09/2009 15:08

maybe the cleaner is having an affair with the builder and she left the 'knickers' at yours cos she couldnt take them home for fear of being found out by her own DH!!! ??? Just a thought!!! im probably barking up the wrong tree!!

gagamama · 28/09/2009 15:23

You've checked with all the females who frequent your home, but what about the blokes? Are any of them likely to have had a lady friend round, other than the builder or DH?

Do either of you go to the gym/swimming pool where you might have inadvertently scooped up someone else's clothes with your own in the changing room?

Are you SURE DH hasn't been wearing them? Might explain why the labels were cut out - nothing more embarassing than having a label saying 'La Senza - Size 10' hanging out the back of your work trousers.

Original poster

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 15:30

there aren't really any men who come to our house, certainly none which go upstairs.

I go to the gym and dh doesn't. He did ask me if I brought them back from the gym but I didn't.

Dh deffo couldn't wear them, they are too small.

OP posts:

maddylou · 28/09/2009 16:15

Maybe your babysitter`s?They have been known to borrow bedrooms once children are asleep!!

Original poster

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 16:23

thanks maddie but we don't use sitters.

OP posts:

PortBlacksandResident · 28/09/2009 16:30

Okay here?s what happened. There is a lady down the road who wears sensible but pretty knickers. She likes the environment and hangs her washing out to dry. She probably lives 6 houses down from you. She also likes animals and has a bird table in her garden. Two pigeons were fighting over her fat balls (!) and tumbled into the washing line, dislodging two pairs of knickers.

They floated gently to the ground where her toddler picked them up and put them into the yellow plastic bucket of his dumper truck. Unknown to her he carried them around the garden for several hours and she didn?t miss them when it came time for her to get her washing back in. Toddler then parked his truck in the coal shed / outhouse and went in for tea (which I believe was fish fingers). The knickers sat for a while in the truck until the toddlers two older cousins came round. They are 8 and 10 and cue much giggling when they find them. After putting them on their heads etc. for a while they leave them on the hedge and wander off to play on the Wii.

An elderly gentleman wandering past picks them up thinking they?d be good to clean his Agila with. He?s wandered a few houses down the road before realising what they are ? what a shame they are lovely and clean but his wife would have a fit. He quickly deposits them onto your gate and shufties off. Your cat, who has form with this sort of thing; starts to play with them as they gently flap in the wind. Then he summons up all his energy, wiggles his bum and grabs them. ?What a great pressie for Wh00ps? he thinks, ?she?s sure to give me a pouch for this one?. So he drags them in through the cat flap and up to your bedroom. He?s about to put them on your bed when he is disturbed by your builder, so he leaves them on the floor. He?s quite annoyed as he didn?t get his pouch. And there they lie waiting for you to find them?? Simple really!

BlingLoving · 28/09/2009 16:40

Honestly - you concede yourself that the chances of your DH finding time for a hot affair elsewhere is unlikely so I'd let this one go and chalk it up to one of those mysterious moments that will possibly never be explained. We still have a cardigan we have no idea who left it at our house or how they could have done so. It happens. There is a reason, but it could be Port's reason frankly. It's just one of those unexplained things. Like how DH does, apparently, all the colours in the washing basket and yet bizarrely I still don't have a single clean pair of black knickers even though I own at least 12 pairs...

motherlovebone · 28/09/2009 16:42

does anyone have a motive for leaving them there? want to upset you?

write a list of who has/could have been in the house, and eliminate them from your enquiries one by one.

seems like they have been planted there on purpose.

BroodyChook · 28/09/2009 16:45

I adore Ports solution

susie100 · 28/09/2009 17:10

I am always blimmin losing knickers and have the opposite problem like Blingloving!

I really would not worry about it

glittery · 28/09/2009 17:40

susie do you live near the OP?

BitOfFun · 28/09/2009 23:33

An old friend of mine went bonkers after finding a pair of size 16 knickers at her boyfriend's house (she was a 10). Turned out she'd borrowed some off his sister ages previously and forgotten. Or the pigeons, that sounds good.

lilacclaire · 28/09/2009 23:43

Finding clothes is a bit strange, were they childrens clothes?

hambler · 28/09/2009 23:52

They're mine!
I have been wondering for ages where they went

colditz · 29/09/2009 00:02

Is your cleaner using your tumble drier while you are out?

LeninGrad · 29/09/2009 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

wh00ps · 29/09/2009 11:06

update from yesterday, I didn't have to bring it up with dh when I got home he was waiting to talk to me!

He looked awful and said he hadn't slept because he was worried about it and is absolutly gutted that myself, friends, family and neighbours all think he may have been up to something. He says his reputation has been distroyed and he has done nothing wrong.

I told him I am devastated by it and that it feels like a black cloud hanging over us until we can figure out where they came from. He says he can appreciate how he would feel in my shoes.

And to top it all I found ANOTHER BLOODY PAIR this morning. They were in a load of washing I put in the machine! I phoned dh to tell him - his reply was a sarcastic "oh great, thats just what I wanted to hear".

We are talking but we are both miserable, hurt and upset! I can't see any way of this being resolved now. If we find out where they came from dh will be hurt and if we don't there will always be a small element of doubt!

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 29/09/2009 11:31

I am with your husband on this. Three pairs of knickers, miraculously appearing in your house, investigation akin to CSI and you've established it's pretty logistically difficult for your DH to be having an affair and yet you're still questioning him. Why? Why would you trust evreyone else but not him? Three pairs of not very exciting pants do not scream "hot affair" to me.

And I see his point - you've been out there talking to everyone and suggesting you're worried your DH is having an affair.

How old is your DD? Just because she doesn't remember or know how they got there, doesn't mean they didn't come in with her via a friend or a visit to a shop you know nothing about or whatever. There are a lot more likely scenarios than that your DH is having an affair with a woman who wears everyday panties and who then either leaves them at your house because she's shagging him there or sends them home with him to have washed...!

I'm not unsympathetic but I think you are jumping to conclusions and you're running the risk of ruining your relationship because of it.

poshwellies · 29/09/2009 11:37

If I have a guess at this one,I'd say that he's wearing them.

Original poster

wh00ps · 29/09/2009 11:37

Bling - harsh words but somewhat true! I'm not questioning him and I haven't actually accused him of anything. He asked me last night if I thought he is messing around and I said no.

I have asked people (who I believed they could have come from) in the hope that I would find the culprit. I understand how this leaves implications for him and I am truly upset about that too.

I told him last night I wish we had never found the bloody things. I'm just not sure where we go from here.

OP posts:

Original poster

wh00ps · 29/09/2009 11:38

posh - I wish he was! That would be a huge relief! They are too small though!

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 29/09/2009 11:39

Sorry - I didn't mean to be harsh. It's good that you told him you don't think he's having an affair. Can you read Port's theory again, perhaps share it with DH and start turning it into a joke? Something you can both laugh about?

poshwellies · 29/09/2009 11:42

They may very well be too small for him,but alot of crossdressers will squeeze into a smaller size.Why else would you find random pants in your house? It's too bizarre,I'd be having a dig about in his wardrobe/garage /shed etc

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