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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried my dh is cheating?

99 replies

wh00ps · 28/09/2009 12:44

Right, I've name changed for this because anyone reading it will know it's me and I want to keep my other identity secret.

On saturday morning I was sitting on my bedroom floor drying my hair and noticed 2 pairs of womens underwear that are not mine. I asked dh where they had come from and he said he hasn't seen them before and doesn't know where they came from. I have asked various people if they are theirs or know how they got into our room (dd, neighbour, suster etc) and no one has any answers.

I haven't actually accused dh of anything but he knows what is on my mind and has become angry that he is doubted. I have found his behaviour a bit twitchy regarding this but it could just be me being utterly paranoid and looking for any explanation.

A couple of my neighbours who I am close with have reassured me that they have never seen any unusual comings or goings at my house when I'm at work (they are SAHM's).

I have been in turmoil all weekend about this and I am shaking just typing it because I have a feeling I know what you lot will say.

I have no other reason to doubt my dh and I feel gutted that I have to now. I'm terrified my family is going to fall apart either because he is doing something or because I am accusing him!

OP posts:
Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:27

pk, they are too small for him to wear so I don't think he's into cross dressing.

I have checked with anyone it could be
neighbour, niece who slept over, sister who was on holiday with us etc etc etc

He seemed bemused and defensive at first, he hasn't bothered making any enquirys about where they might have come from. I asked my sister this morning and I will mention it to him when I get home. He got angry on Saturday night when I was talking about it saying I was making people doubt him. He hasn't mentioned it since which is why I will later.

OP posts:
Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:29

oh and also they aren't super sexy frilly pants. They aren't plain bog standard gruds but they aren't overtly sexy either.

OP posts:
TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 28/09/2009 13:34

ok, let's try and be logical.

you saw 2 pairs of clean pants that don't belong to you in the middle of your bedroom floor on Saturday morning.

  • how long could they have been there unnoticed? a day? a week? more??
  • has your dh had any opportunity to smuggle a woman into the house since you last had a fairly clear bedroom floor? and it would have to be a BIG opportunity wouldn't it - not just you out for an evening as your dd is around. would have to be a guaranteed afternoon when you were at work for example.
  • if you don't think another woman has been in your house, why else could the pants be there? if your dh was seeing another woman, but with no opportunity to have her in the house, it is possible that she could stuff some pants in his pocket with the aim of you finding them. but then, would they not be one pair of super-sexy pants? it just doesn't seem very likely.
BalloonSlayer · 28/09/2009 13:36

Have you bought anything from a charity shop recently?

Or anything from somewhere where they re-use carrier bags?

Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:38

I don't think they could have been there very long. There was washing all over the place as we've had some buildings works and the housekeeping has gone to pot a bit. We came home drunk on Friday night and chucked everything from the bed on the floor.

OP posts:
Scorps · 28/09/2009 13:39

Have your dc stayed at someone elses house, they have done the washing and put back your dcs clothes but missed their pants?

I don't think he is cheating tbh.

BlingLoving · 28/09/2009 13:40

DO you have a cleaner who might be doing her washing at yours? Could they be a friend of DD's?

BalloonSlayer · 28/09/2009 13:40

SO you have had builders in the house?

Could one of them have been in your room wanking having some Gentleman's time with some ladies' underwear?

BalloonSlayer · 28/09/2009 13:42

Or - remembering the thread about the ghost that left the child's shoes in the hall - could you have a Knickergeist?

Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 13:44

ok,

I haven't had any used carrier bags
dc's have not been on any sleep overs
I do have a cleaner - not sure her pants would be smaller than mine if she was washing them at my house. She didn't clean last week because of the builder

And the builder is our neighbour so I really hope it's nothing to do with him!

OP posts:
TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 28/09/2009 13:59

so could not have been there long and you chucked a big pile of washing on the floor on Friday. Likely then that the 2 pairs of pants were in that pile of washing, hence being clean. When would they have gone into the washing? Any chance at all that your dh could have had someone to the house before then? but again, would an OW put a couple of pairs of pants in your laundry basket?

if your dh displays no signs of concealing an affair I think you should drop it for now - you're basically accusing him of cheating on you. you believe your dd, your sis, your neighbours that they have nothing to do with said pants, but you don't believe your dh when he says he knows nothing. what sort of message does that send to him?? are you generally happy in your marriage or is there some other worry underlying this? if your relationship is good, and you love him, believe he loves you, you trust and respect one another, and tehre is no other cause for concern, please don't take these mysterious pants as any sort of evidence about him playing away. think through where that sort of discussion might take you and your dh before you embark on it...

moopymoo · 28/09/2009 14:00

builder having dodgy shagging sessions betcha

Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 14:11

the wheels - thank you for putting it into that sort of perspective! I am happy with dh and I have been feeling physically sick at the thought that my perfect little family (if there is such a thing) could be at risk!

The washing has been around for about a week (I know but builder in, no cleaner etc etc!) BUT I had checked through it several times on Friday evening looking for stuff to pack for the kids as they slept at my mums on Friday night. Then dh and I went out and chucked washing on the floor when we got home drunk Friday night so if they were in the washing they would have to have got there between about 6pm Friday night and saturday morning when dh was with me.

It is just such a mystery and it's really upsetting me. I will mention to dh later on that they are no my sisters and see what reaction I get from that.

OP posts:
crankytwanky · 28/09/2009 14:16

Your mum's?
I hope this goes the way of "pillow gate".

HappyWoman · 28/09/2009 14:19

I too think you should leave it for now. Maybe your sister has 'forgotton'.

I know i have 'found' underwear from sleepovers a while after at my lack of clearing up and doing all the washing in a reasonable time.

Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 14:19

nope - deffo not my mums!

what is pillow gate?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 28/09/2009 14:20

Also there's the humiliation factor - let's face it, if you dropped your panties at someone's house by mistake, would you fess up? Or even notice?

overmydeadbody · 28/09/2009 14:25

Ok, the simplest explanation is most often the right one. So what is the simplest explanation?

Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 14:31

thats just it OMDB - I don't think there is a simple explanation!

OP posts:
Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 14:31

even if you were embarressed you'd say something if you knew a friends relationship was at stake wouldn't you!?!?!

OP posts:
troutpout · 28/09/2009 14:44

The simplest explanation is....
errrm

troutpout · 28/09/2009 14:45

i'm going with Moopy's builder scenario

SheWillBeLoved · 28/09/2009 14:46

He would have to be pretty bloody dim to leave not one, but two pairs of underwear out in the open on your bedroom floor.

The thing that seems most likely for me is that he was given them. And only because you said that the tags had been cut out, which is something an old slutty friend used to do when she thought that some poor bloke could do with her slightly discoloured thong - cut the label out so he couldn't see her size.

Of course that doesn't mean this is the case, but I really can't see how else they came to be in your house if they definitely aren't yours, your DD's, the builders, or your cleaners.

Have you asked your cleaner if she has ever done any of her washing at your house?

Original poster
wh00ps · 28/09/2009 14:51

no I haven't asked the cleaner. I might mention it to her but I think they would be too small for her.

Just thinking about it and a few months ago we found some trousers and a top in our house which don't belong to our dc's. I asked anyone I could think of but they are still sitting in my ds's bedroom waiting for a home. Of course I was not nearly as fussed about finding where they came from as I am about the pants!

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 28/09/2009 14:56

< eureka moment >

Cleaner doesn't use old pants as dusters does she?