I feel so unable to cope when DH says I am

[ringingthechanges]

Ungrateful, will never be happy, that I nag about things. It really gets me down and today I feel so upset. It perhaps shouldnt be such a big deal but I am so sensitive his words reallt hurt. Do I want to be with a man who thinks this of me? Yes I love him, I just want to be happy.

has he suddenly started to say this?/

you're married,together a while i assume,so whats changed recently?

Has something happened that might have left him wanting a bit more support and he doesn't feel he has got it?

No excuse for saying you nag though. I hate the accusation of nagging. 'Nagging' is usually one person having to repeatedly ask for help and not getting it and being ignored. There would be no 'nagging' if they did what you asked first time or at least responded in some way.

Have you told him how upset the accusations make you?

Nothing specific has happened. Married 20+ years and recent years have been full of riction (he is controlling, then wanted to leave but didnt). Feel like we never got back on track really although we can now talk (mostly) about issues without me being upset. Have been getting along well lately but then when I mentioned a couple of things about finishing furnishing the house (he can afford it), he accused me of always wanting more, never being grateful and would never be happy with anything. Have a room which needs furnishing but he doesnt see the need , he doesnt use the room (2nd lounge)

Hey ringing! Snap! DH sulked and snapped all day on saturday (culminating in a major row in the evening) because I said, as a joke, that I was going to be busy all day cleaning as the house was a 'vile pit'. Apparently that meant that I was never happy with our lives - which isn't true.

What did you say to him about all this?

counselling?

perhaps alone first? the tone of your post seems a bit flat.

name calling isnt acceptable.

do you have your own money to save/furnish the room?

sorry for sketchy reply, bit busy, but i hear you.

I didn't really respond to his comments OrmIrian as I have heard them a 1000 times before and we were in a restuarant. Guess it is eating me away more today as we had a bit of 'friction' last night as he was, yet again, sarcastic to me. He was in a shit mood as I had been out all day and asked him to make dinner. I sat down when I got in, my feet were in agony and he expected me to get up and help. I didnt! Yes, like you, I am always being told I am not happy with our life, what we have, never grateful. I did tell him I didnt expect to get to my age and not have my home finished. A bit naughty maybe? I don't know but he was merrily telling me (at the point of conversation) how he was taking on a new member of staff and increasing another ones pay - I took leave and seized the moment and said 'what about furnishing the lounge and finishing the house. I was reminded of the credit crunch and how I don't live in the real world, people are losing their jobs and their homes.

Did you have counselling after he threatened to leave?

It sounds like you could do with some. To come that close to breaking up must have been hard and although you sound like you have got yourselves partly back on track you sound in danger of falling it off it again. A neutral 3rd party might be able to get to the bottom of what is wrong with your relationship at the moment.

He sounds like he is controlling as you say and making excuses to get out of doing things. Odd that he should on one hand be saying how he is taking on more staff and upping salaries and then in the next breath telling you to remember the credit crunch.

But they don't like faults in their logic being pointed out do they? My DH has been saying similar things recently (although he wouldn't dare accuse me of nagging)! Ours was to do with overpaying the mortgage whilst the rate is so low. On one hand he is telling me how well he is doing and then on the other he is telling we can't find an extra £100 to overpay the mortgage when 18 mths ago we were paying 3 times what we are paying now.

I wonder if they don't like a question mark over their ability to provide? Maybe it somehow hurts their masculine pride.

That said why should we have to sooth their poor male egos and take the crap that they throw at us just to make them feel good about themselves.

Ringing

My 'd'h and I are having issues which we can't seem to progress with - he constantly accuses of me of this when I try to broach subjects to help our relationship - or says this when I say something that either touches a nerve (seem to do that alot) or doesn't like what I'm saying ie if I'm trying to coax his head out of the sand - this is what he responds with and it's a conversation stopper.

I take it to mean that he wants no input or progress in our relationship. Do you think you dh uses it in the same way?

We did go to Relate about 2 or 3 times and the HE decided it made no difference, HE didnt need anyone else giving him suggestions. We havent been close really since then (5yrs) although I do keep on and on hoping our marriage will improve. Sadly he is so wrapped up in his business he gives no time to me. I mentioned this and said something along the lines of if you devoted even 70% importance to me as you do your work, life would be better. He never responds. He doesnt care that the house isnt fully furnished. As he says WHAT FOR? Because its my home and I would like it finished.. its hardly rocket science and he can afford it. I have been telling DH I am not happy for 3 yrs now and telling him how he does not treat me like a a wife, woman but as a sister, aunt or neighbour. No sex either, he is not interested. Work is his be all and end all although he is busy with DC every weekend. If I complain, he tells me 'why is it ALWAYS about you?'

Oh god, Ringingthechanges are we married to the same man?!

We have rooms that need finishing too and I get told there is no money. Funnily enough there was enough money for him to move office and kit that out.

He only moved a couple of weeks ago and I haven't been to see it yet. The DC went but I said I didn't want to.

Like you though I just feel I come way down the list of priorities.

Anyway, you aren't alone. Perhaps you could go for some counselling by yourself. It might help you understand what is going on a bit better.

Niecie I have been alone, the only thing that came out of that was confirmtion that my DH was childish and controlling. It actually made me feel even worse! I know exactly where you are coming from re the office. I just dont 'get these men'. Happy wife = happy home, happy husband! I would go out of my to 'fix things' if my DH said he was unhappy.

Yep ringing and niecie we have similar partners.

My dh as soon as I open my mouth which is about 2 a year - just shouts 'me me me me' - ie it's all about me. You just can't responsd when he's being like that and again it's all about - this is how it is, this is how it's going to be even though I'm miserable, you're miserable but I'm not investing one second in this.'

Very sad as a relationship is all about communication. We spend £thousands going to see mil abroad as she can't be bothered to get off her arse to come here. He cannot see the reason to spend time as a nuclear family - ever - I have to 'nag' and spend my cash on organising stuff. We also have a delapidated property and he cannot be bothered or with ds.

Can you just organise to furnish it on your own or will he hit the roof?
What and intolerable situation to be in, how do the dcs respond and how old are they.
I'm sure they feel they are in the middle of all this, doesn't sound good he just doesn't consider you so you should do it for him.

You can't go on like this you know that so you need to make a plan and if can't/won't get involved that is going to be a tough road to go down but worthwhile in the end. You beed to be respected more.