can you really remarry "too soon" after a berevament

[CNyle]

you STILL hear abotu this dont you

like here

does it really matter?

I agree with what you're saying fabbakergirl but when children are involved you, as a parent, have a duty to help them through their bereavement. My DF thought purely about himself and never considered what would be best for us.

I think there's a huge difference when you are widowed young and your family is incomplete, it's only natural to find someone else and have more children if that's what you've always planned .

We are mid forties, our daughter is grown up and our family was complete the moment we had her. We decided together to have one child, he doesn't get a second chance if I were to die.

I would never even consider remarrying, why would I when I would be financially independant and quite happy living alone.

...watching this thread very closely.

OJ is right about people choosing to keep things quiet for a while. I am still very wary of mentioning my 'special friend' to others for fear of judgement, at a few weeks shy of three years after Mrs Goth snuffed it...

....and have told no-one yet about imminent (moving, blending families and yes, marriage..) plans; though the urchins have sussed, I think, and I am trying to prepare them for news that will be celebrated by two, met with indifference by one and hostility by the fourth urchin...

Be kind.

"We decided together to have one child, he doesn't get a
second chance if I were to die."

That's not your decision to make though.

It might be your wish, but you have no right to decide for him what he can or cannot do if you were to die.

If you died he may well meet someone else. Someone younger even, and decide to have more children.

Once you are dead it is his life to do as he chooses.

my personal thoughts on "well they need a mum/dad" it is a commonly held belief that blokes cant possibly manage without a wife
now i do know people who have moved in with dead husbands mate after less than a month.
i think the thing is when someone dies it is such a mix of emotions that it is easy to do things that you later may regret.
i had a few offers of dates in the early days some blokes even dressed it up like they were doing ME a favour, i really should have made that "widowed Not desperate tee-shirt"
it is only recently that i have felt ready to do dating

I think people deal with death differently - sometimes getting together with someone else must surely be a desire to want to prove you are still ALIVE and HUMAN in the face of death.

I also think that people who nurse their sick spouses (in the original article it mentioned this) must in a way have dealt with a lot of their grief before the person actually dies.

I think criticising people for 'moving on' is totally bonkers.

very pleased to read that RetiredGoth i think you may owe me an email, i need detail
Thats 6 fellow widows/widowers that i know that are in new relationships, we all keep grinning like a load of teenagers minus the acne of course!

i think the thing is when someone dies it is such a mix of emotions that it is easy to do things that you later may regret.

yes I'm sure that is VERY true

My opinion FWIW is that it is up to the individual to decided how soon is too soon. Unless it's you who has lost that special person who are you to say if it is too soon. I do agree with expat though, when young children are involved their feelings should always come first. You often see people, not just after losing someone, but after divorce, get together and marry quickly. I can never understand how anyone can do this when they have young children.

But, when the 'children' are older then that's different. My mum died 6 years ago, dsis was 27, I was 24 and dbro was 17. Dad was devastated. He was lonely, he was bored. He missed mum, missed the company. He met his now wife about 9 months after mum died. From my point of view that was pretty quick, but from dad's that would've been an eternity. We all knew this and none of us ever said anything to dad. He did ask once though and we all said it was for him to decide if it was too soon and if he was happy then so were we.

Life is too short, as we found out. Mum died aged 50. From that day on all I wanted for dad was to be happy. I'm not a great fan of his new lady, but he is happy and that's all I care about.

Yes I think you can. A lot of old men do it and live to regret it.

agree MP
and I wonder if tis liek a more severe case of post natal shock when you keep thinking you are "back to normal" and you arent
or like people post divorce

I have no personal of experience of this - but had to post in response to RG's post - that's lovely - hope things work out well for you all

It is my decision, he's my husband and would still be my husband if I was dead - if he had wanted more kids, we would have had them together.

He won't be having any more children though _ He's had a vasectomy for one thing.
Why the hell would he want more kids anyway? he's spent 19 years being a hands on dad, he definitely wouldn't want to start again at the age of 44. He's only just got the control of his wallet back!

but he wouldn't be. Marriage is til death do us part. I'm actually quite sad that you would wish your dh to be alone if you were gone. What if it was reversed and you were left alone?

Malificence, my uncle is divorced not a widower but he met someone much younger after his divorce. She wanted children and he changed his mind, he had his vasectomy reversed and now has 2 children younger than a couple of his grandchildren. Everyone has the right to hapiness and everyone has the right to change their mind.

I was 13 when mum died, I didn't need another mum, I needed a friend. I was about 15 when Dad met his girlfriend and she tried to mother me, I hated it and still struggle with her now.

i guess people who comment do so with the bestest of intentions (mostly)

having been thou the three worst years of my life i feel qualified to decide what is right for me and the kids.
anyone can think what they like, most people are happy that i am seeing someone but there are a few who think i am wrong and it maybe that they need time to adjust to the idea. i am trying not to judge them for judging me for they havent been in my shoes and i havent been in theirs.

No disrespect meant to maleficience but she has a very possessive relationship with her DH. Presumably he likes it that way... but it's a bit unusual.

FWIW I would want DH to remarry, but it would be complicated by the fact that he's from another country and culture. I would NOT want him taking DS to his country and giving him a step mother from his culture. But then I wouldn't have a choice would I? He would be unlikely to stay here if I died.

Expat "he was mourning his wife's loss long before she actually died and there were two boys who needed a mother" might seem wishful thinking on part of a sm but she's at least in position to know. But it's also one I can identify with, having lost my mother as a child after a long illness with cancer. Having nursed her, I had done a lot of my mourning already for the mother I'd lost and with Caron being so ill maybe those boys had too? We was fortunate to have a childless elderly great-aunt who stepped into the breach and loved and cared for us - it's what we needed. My father wasn't enough. And crucially Ross fell in love with a woman who clearly also loves his sons.

I do wish my father had waited longer to remarry (simply because they were not right for each other) but I don't think there can be a set-time limit on mourning.

WRT the comment about young kids towing the line because they are afraid of loosing their other parent..

My children are my world. I would do anything and everything for them. When DH died, my ds was three, almost four, and i tried to help him cope with it as best as i could. In the end, i was not enough, and was able to realise that and fought bloody hard to get him the help he so desperately needed. He was five a couple of weeks ago, and i there is no way that i would now be with my DP if DS did not like him or want him around. DS talks to DP all the time about DH - he tells him about things they did together, and is happy enough that we are together. DP has not moved in with us yet, but DS knows this is coming soon, and is happy that we are all going to be together. DS does not have to 'toe the line' at all - i encourage him to talk about how he feels and he and i both know that he and his sister come first.

DD, at just 16 months is too young to really have a say, although she does adore DP, she will be brought up to know that DH is 'daddy'

DH and I have talked about this. Our only request of the other one is that our babies are looked after. Whether that means marrying again because the person in question would be a good step-parent to our children or waiting until the children are grown before looking for someone or taking things as they come, we both trust the other to put our children first (while they are children).

If however our children are grown when one of us kicks the bucket then we both have the other's permission to get out there and do whatever makes us happiest! Why not after all? Life is for the living.

My DH loves me so very very much and he adores our son and our unborn baby already. I trust him completely to put their needs (if not their wants) before his own if I am not around and vice versa.

god imagine if i was a girl about town in her ealy 40s, no dh no kids and someone married me to look after their kids, its a bti sound of music
i could run up dresses out of curtains and we could enter the x factor

CNyle I didn't mean just to act as a step-parent! But being a good step-parent would have to be taken into account when choosing a new partner if you have little kids. It just has to be.

Deemented, it sounds like you have found a good one!

Where did I say I wanted him to be alone?

He could live with someone else and have a relationship without marrying them.

No way would some other woman and her family get her hands on what is ultimately my Daughter's inheritance, my family lost out on £100's of thousands on my father's death.
It's more a need to protect my daughter than possession of my husband, but yes, I do feel that he belongs to me.

Purpleflower, divorce is a completely different ball game, his first marriage wasn't happy.

I could quite happily live my life alone as no-one could ever replace my husband, I simply couldn't share my life with anyone else, ever.

OJ - when I said my kids would need a mum it most definitely wasn't because I think my husband can't manage without a wife. He would do a magnificent job on his own, but having had no parents it certainly isn't something I would ever want for me children.

at you considering dating again.

well FBG its not so much that i am considering dating
i think that possibly people get tangled up in this stuff and think that you can only ever love one bloke at a time.