Dilemma

[lizzy6]

My husband said he wished to opt out of our marriage some months ago and in recent months my son has gone pretty awol. My husband had an affair and has recently started another one.

We are living in the same house as my husband says he cannot afford to leave, what should I do? I love him a lot and had hoped that he would become more positive about our relationship over time. He was a really good guy when we got together but really seems to have lost his way recently. I'm not keen to create a more difficult situation for my kids but equally I feel that my husband is behaving completely out of character and can't seem to see that it's very wrong for him carry in this way and stay in the family house

Change the locks when he's out!

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to share space with him, I do understand that you care for him but really, he is taking the pi$$!

Who owns the house? If it's rented, who's name is it in? In many circumstances, the right to stay is the children's main carer along with the children.

Again, change the darn locks! Remove you and your children from this awful, awful situation.

No wonder your ds has gone awol.
Have some self respect lizzy and sort this out. You cannot carry on living like this it must be torture for all of you.

....to be quite honest, if he has financial issues regarding new accomodation, it is his problem and his alone, not yours! Certainly not your childrens.

Thanks all it is torture although to some extent I guess I've got used to it over time. Have explored lots of options to resolve situation including your suggestions but it just doesn't seem that easy to get him out of the house and filled with horror at prospect of creating a dramatic situation that will really upset the children.

I guess I'm hoping that he will realise that he needs to take some responsibility here although it's not looking that way at the moment!

I would argue that your domestic situation now is untenable and is really upsetting the kids. These children are upset now, you are all in a broken household. Small wonder therefore your son has gone awol.

Have you talked to a Solicitor re separation?. So what if he cannot afford to leave, that's his problem and not yours.

Quite apart from anything else what are you both teaching these children about relationships here?.

Oooooh, Lizzy... you are going to get SO blasted on here by some people (but hopefully have warm support and encouragement from others).

The trouble is that you are already in a situation which IS upsetting the children, although you did not create it. The man is committing adultery under your nose, he has NO respect for you, and it's already driven one child out of the house. It is not a family in that situation. Unless and until you shuffle your worry about "creating a dramatic situation" to the back of your head, your husband will carry on as he pleases, because he can. He's not going to realise his responsibilities unless he is made to confront them. I say again "confront" - it's a difficult word when you're used to just putting up with stuff for a quiet life.

Start thinking - slowly, there's no rush, but start thinking now - about seeing a solicitor. Most of them will do a free initial consultation. Mind you this is just about fact finding at this stage and it does NOT commit you do doing anything drastic. Find out about how formal separation works, how much HE will have to pay for etc, and then make some plans to reclaim your life. Once you know where you stand you can lay down some ground rules.

Note I am NOT at this stage saying you should necessarily go through with actually separating. The threat itself, once he knows you mean it and are not his personal doormat, may be enough to wake him up out of this self-indulgent phase. Failing this it will at least force him to do the decent thing, like leaving. "Opting out" of his family responsibilities just isn't his choice. There are other people in this marriage, ie you and your children, and you have rights and feelings too.

... in short, what Attila said. As always. She is not so dumb.

Agree with what you say - having said that looking at whole situation do think that extremely bad timing for DS and believe it or not do think current situation not as bad for DS as will be if house implodes. Have had some experience of similar situation as a child myself and so am trying to avoid mistakes my parents made here

Have sought on advice on what to do - on the leaving front although it is his problem he is making it mine and it seems nigh on impossible to force anything - not sure I have any rights on that front

You do so have rights. Start researching here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family.htm

Give him a cardboard box and direct him to the nearest tube station. Maybe a flask. That's all you owe him

And you want this man to be called the father of your children.
Sorry if my h had not shaped up i would not have allowed him to 'teach' my children to treat anyone let alone someone he is supposed to love and support like this.

You are allowing him to treat you like this - and you dont have to anymore.
Set some boundaries that you can stick to.

If he will not leave the house then seperate his area and leave well alone. Do not do his washing or cooking ect. and please do get some legal advice.

I dont mean to sound harsh as i do know how awful you feel (my h had an affair), but it was only once i picked myself up and started drawing the line in the sand that my h did take responisbility for his actions.

Good luck

Thanks all
I have taken advice and am pretty clear what my options are I think - I'll check the link given thought
I guess where I am is thinking that all options seem pretty unpalatable (sticking with it - forcing something etc)as it will be a long haul and the advice I've been given seems to indicate that me and the children could come out pretty badly. I seem to have little real ability to get him to go which seems crazy to me
I take on board on the points about getting him to take responsibility and have recently done a lot to try to create boundaries and push that with him
I'm waiting right now to see whether he can see sense and if not then I'm going to need a lot of courage I think as this isn't going to be easy for everyone
There are a few extra pretty difficult complications also that I don't feel I can share here - I guess there always are though in most of these situations

Hope he isn't bringing the other women into your house lizzy as this would really tip the balance for me. How could another woman do that? But I don't know that is happening.
It seems yyou can't appeal to his better side as it has gone, so you, lizzy I'm afraid have to learn to toughen up and stop thinking for him and keep yourself and your dcs in your head.
Not an easy task but I really think in the lon haul, your dcs will be better off as how they are living now sounds awful.

Thanks for that
I am definitely toughening up - he has not bought her to the house and wouldn't so do I don't think - his actions are having a big impact on how I feel now and despite the fear I am creating firmer boundaries and planning for the future
I do think things for the kids would be better long term but frightened of how bad short term impact could be though - will continue to work things through in my head in the next few days

Is he in a separate room to you? If not then I really would find a way to achieve that.

Yes luckily he is

Well done Lizzy. Keep strong and keep planning. We're here to cheer you on.

Thanks Annie