healing after an affair

[gonnabehappy]

I hope someone here can help, I am feeling pretty low right now.

Short summary. Husband (of 23 years and father of my three boys 10 - 15) had an major emotional affair with young (he was 47 she was 26) woman at work. This developed into a physical affair. He told me Easter 2008.

He left for about 8 months (went to live with his mother) and came home when she finally decided she would not leave her husband. We do not have enough money for two homes in this really quite expensive town, he wanted to be with his sons, his sons wanted him to be with them and I thought I still loved him and believed he still loved me. Bot sure why - he had told me often enough that he didn't, that he had not loved me for years etc etc - she was his soul mate.

Fast forward another 6 months and he is still here. Sometimes he tries really hard with our relationship and sometimes he can't be bothered. He is back to sport etc. I am so hurt and struggling to heal. I can't get out of mind the words he said to me, the words she said to me and the emails etc they exchanged. (Yes I know but I did turn into a pretty gifted cyberstalker!).

I cause upset a few nights/days a week 9better than when it was every day). I cry I rant and I make him feel so so guilty and bad. These are times when he says he loves me (I sometimes wonder if I am like a toddler trying to get attention).

This relationship is mutually destructive but I think we both want it to work just cant see how.

I feel as though this is my fault -0 it is way past time to forgive and let go. I am stuck. Crisis last night - he said earlier in week when I was crying that he would take me out Friday night. This is a big deal because it is always me that arranges babysitting etc etc. Guess what last night he said not, no money. Most of all I think he forgot. Yep I was pretty upset. Today he says he will take me out early eve and has checked with eldest son if he will be ok babysitting (he and ,middle son fight - alot). Now I don't feel like going. What is the point of dressing up. He has told me I am too fat, he has told her she is wonderful, what is the point in dressing up and sitting there knowing he wanted to be with her. He choose her, not me and the boys.

Btw he does not want to do Relate or similar.

Yes - it's that bad time of year... (much to his shock) I managed to sail through the anniversary of when he went to see her after his meeting and had their one night stand but it is all hitting me now.

We did do a single session of counselling but the woman was rubbish - it was two weeks after he'd told the OW not to contact him again and all the counsellor was interested in was me setting a date when I'd agree not to bring it up again so we could 'heal'. I hadn't hardly got myself around what had happened at that point, never mind thinking of when it would all be 'done'. I know it would probably help but after such a long time he'd be unwilling and I have been put right off. From other people's experiences it does sound like there are some very good counsellors out there but I have no idea where they lurk. I don't think we could do it now because we can't get the childcare, anyway.

I found this website very good www.beyondaffairs.com very good. I was torturing myself with thoughts of the affair and possibly torturing DH too and our therapist was saying basically I couldn't keep bringing it up as he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt all the time. But I felt really bad and that DH was avoiding discussing things with me because it hurt him. This website has lots of very useful articles which I could show DH and he could then understand my point of view. It made me feel that what I was feeling was completely normal and not some demented, betrayed female.

The website is run by a couple where the husband had the affair and he writes some good articles on the affair from his point of view. It did help to understand my DH and to understand that it wasn't about me. Yes I played a part but it wasn't all my fault.

I think I had an all encompassing need to get as much information as possible which is one of the reasons I lurk on MN to see how other people are coping in the aftermath and if there is something I could do differently.

I also stop myself looking at MN when I start to get too obsessed with things again especially if some poor women has just discovered her H's affair.

Abed - some of these counselors are crap aren't they! The first one my husband and I saw together told me to smarten up, the second that we should split up! As for the IC I had, well he was out of a comedy (BBC2) series!!

I think we just have to accept that there are bad times - do you think your husband really understands how you feel?

Magpie - I reread your post so many times (when i should be writing but hey). I so admire your husband. I really want to achieve that and I think many of my feelings are very similar to those of your husbands. It is control I lack. Good intentions but limited ability to follow through at present. I am looking into some CBT, can't afford counselling but have invested in a couple of interesting sounding books. One; 'The Compassionate Mind' is a very compelling read. Definitely suited to someone with a passing interest in Buddhism as well as a need to be kinder to herself and others around her!

PS My cooker is broken atm as well!

Countin - I so want my husband's actions to match his words. But to be fair I am so horrid a lot of the time who can blame him! I need to sort myself out. Baby steps...I think I have only cried once (in front of someone) this week. That was last night - son number one age 15 had been caught shoplifting! So perhaps forgivable but not the best way to handle things. Husband was very detached when talking to son. I think I need some of his detachment, perhaps he would like some of my emoting? Doubt it!

I'm rushing at the moment, but will come back to this later. Just re-read my post and it sounds like I am blaming my DP a bit too much. Just wanted to say, that this is not the case. We were both the blame for meltdown in our relationship - but I shouldn't have done what I did in response.

I guess the point I was trying to make was that id he had put all the blame on me and refused to try to accept and understand his role in it, we would have been finished. There is no way in the state I was in that I would have been able to shoulder all the blame and the guilt too. The anger, tears, hurt - its all been there but the thing that has kept us together and the thing I wanted to emphasise has been his overriding care and compassion. That was the key.

Right best go.

There doesn't seem to be much of a screening process for counsellors. i have a lovely friend who did a counselling course and was going to give it a go. She's great but I have always thought she is slightly Aspergers - I certainly wouldn't go to her!

Our counsellor was very very passive aggressive - she seemed really wet but again seemed to be telling me that since H had said it was over I should appreciate this and pull myself together and forget it!

I do know that I have a great tendency to try and internalise rather than saying what I feel - normally I am one of those people who don't believe in keeping things hidden, I say what i think and deal with issues straight away. Just on this I have been completely thrown and am acting totally out of character all the time, which makes it worse because there is nothing I hate more than letting things stew. Deep down I know that if he is not strong enough to speak about it and help me then he's not worth the bother. I just have to summon up the energy to get it all out, not easy when you have had a year of it and are exhausted by it all.

abedelia does your DH know you are down atm. My DH got very cross with me because, after all the counselling and stuff about being honest about our feelings etc, I still bottled things up because I didn't want to keep throwing things in his face. He actually said to me if you just tell me you are hurting because of the pain etc from the affair and that you are thinking about it atm then I can understand, yes it will make me feel bad because I caused it, but I will know why you are low/depressed and we will be communicating.

It is very hard to do because I tended to bottle things up but I am now learning how to discuss things without sounding accusing and critical and it that way it leads to more meaningful discussions and communication.

Another thing I learnt from counselling is that most of this stuff stems from bad/dysfunctional childhoods and never being taught to communicate in an adult way. I tended to sulk and stew for example (not very adult). DH grew up in an environment of rows and confrontation and tended to avoid it at all costs so you can see where our problems came from and were allowed to fester.

Our therapist was no nonsense and sailed close to the edge at times but she felt that it was no good "pussyfooting" around. You had to tell people as it is, we are all adults after all. I think I went into counselling to soon after discovery too, I was in traumatic shock and probably didn't take a lot on board at the time. Two months into the counselling, it made more sense and I could actually act on what she said. I am now thinking about what I want to do and what makes me happy, not to put everyone else first, not try and control what I can't control etc, accept help and accept that I cannot do everything. My DH had a go a me for not accepting his help around the house and with the kids as I felt nobody could do it as well as or as good as me, then our therapist pointed out he was exactly the same in the office, never delegated, did everything himself as he felt nobody could do it as well as him etc. We were exactly the same, it was an eye opener to him as he thought we were exact opposites.

I think maybe you should sit your DH down this evening if possible, when the DC are in bed and say that you are feeling low because you are hurting and feel insecure about things (my insecurities tended to bring out the vicious tiger in me). If you don't tell him how you are feeling he can't reassure you/help.

Good luck.

Time is a great healer for all. Im 20 months on and its honestly only been the last month or so that I have days where I dont even think about his affair.

If you have both made a commitment to make it work then keep reminding yourself just that. I was completely obsessed and spent hours and hours on Mumsnet and searching for threads on affairs and reading web-sites and it drove me mad.

Now I live in the present, I have a husband who has made a really big mistake but he's lucky enough, that I love him enough to make our marriage work. I feel no tit for tat and no longer rub his nose in it. The affair will not destroy us but my constant destructive behaviour would of done. Its really hard to move on and its little steps after a very long time. A year is no-where near long enough to recover from a devastating situation, its like a bearevement. I have posted alot a while back and if I had the chance I would read them just to see how far Ive come. Its possible to get through but as the old saying goes "time heals everything"

I know that feeling of being tired. Abed - are you depressed? I hope you don't mind me asking but I was. I took ADs and they, I think, helped save my sanity and my family for a while. I am NOT usually depressed, I certainly don't have that chemical imabalnce which needs topping up. In fact I think the side effects of the ADs now outweigh the advantages (about a year on them at varying doses). So I am now tailing them off. BUT I do not regret taking them at all.

You sound close to making a dcsison, and I would understand you either way, but I would worry if you made a huge decsion when you were depressed...

I love my husband - he has been cruel beyond anything I could imagine - but I still love him. Someone earlier in this thread suggested I was masochistic; I really don't think so. I believe my husband was in the throes of some kind of nervous breakdown, actually a major mid life criss (although that phrase is as hackneyed as blaming our bad moods on PMT - sometimes it is true!)

I don't know if we will work out, today feels very hopeless, but I do know I will not regret trying. For me seeking medical help was one way of coping so I could live another day and try and heal from the affair.

Oh this is not making much sense - I am having a real banana porridge brain day! Do you remember that stuff we used to feed our babes in the early 90's anyone? It was greyish, organic, sludgy, often lumpy and if you can imagine trying to walk through it - that is what it feels like trying to make my brain work!

I am fairly sure that yes, I am having bouts of depression, though being pregnant I do not want to be taking Anti-Ds... The midwife suggested going to the doctor a while ago as I had a bit of a meltdown when she asked me an innocuous question about how I was feeling - burst into tears and so on, but when I am down I don't think I could actually get the words out and when I am fine I think 'why bother?'. Know what you mean gonnabe - I have to give it a try because otherwise I am as big a bottler as him, frankly! Sometimes it is just easier to dwell on what you have lost and will never have (ability to look back and say yes, the man I chose to have children with always loved me so much he would never hurt me) for instance.

Thanks countingto10 for the advice, which is very useful - a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I was sent away to school at 7 because my parents worked for a big multinational with loads of travelling all the time - I actually really enjoyed my time there and it didn't traumatise me at all(!) - but it has left me with a tendency to be overly self-reliant, whereas in reality this is a situation where I CANNOT fix things on my own just by giving them a lot of thought.

Deep down I know my H is a good person now full of self-loathing for what he did (I coped better with the 'anniversary' than he did - he spent the evening in tears beating himself up for the fact that he was no longer a decent person and wondering how he got to this point). I can see from writing this that I just have to work on my communication and sharing skills because if we could both figure out how and why it happened we would probably both feel better...

Some of the pieces are in place (random remark by him seeking flattery of confirmation someone he liked fancied him, in the safe situation where he would, he thought, never see her again; opportunity - she had done this before and knew which buttons to press to get and keep him interested; timing - we were moving to the country from the city we'd both chosen to 'seek our fortunes' in after uni for the sake of the kids, so I suppose he felt like he was becoming middle aged, hence the need to feel the whole teenage thing again...) I just feel like I need to tie it all together and also see why he jumped into the whole thing so damn quickly? I'm probably being picky but I'm also one of those need to know the lot types.

Hi

I was not thinking - that banana porridge again. I would not want to take ads while pregnant if I could possibly avoid it even tho I know some are thought to be quite safe.

It sounds as tho you are thinking things through really clearly - I am in awe of how your brain is working despite upset and pregnancy hormones. Consider yourself promoted to the top of the class!

My husband is full of self loathing too, some days more than others. Seems to me we both need to do some talking....

That's such a good sign! See, he does care about you, or he wouldn't be bothered... yep, one thing this does teach you is how to self analyse to a point you didn't know possible.

Not been here much, a friend of mine (well of son number one) took overdose Sunday night, no parents around worth mentioning so I have been at hospital since then. Have not seen husband over past few days - he was really distant on phone earlier. I had to prioritize this young girl and son number one but think he feels neglected now. Oh bum...why is life always so complicated.

Even more behind with work than I should be and oh sooo tired. Send me good thoughts to make me keep everything together this eve (back home now tho son still at hosp with girl her father has finally shown up). I just have this sinking feeling I will be upset and make a mess of things unless he bounds in pleased to see me and very very cuddly.

ok here goes. Firstly well done for being there when someone needed you. Give yourself a break and some credit for doing the right thing.
But dont look to your h to validate that - he may well feel a bit put out - but tough. You did not do this to hurt him did you??

You do sound very worn down in your post - as if you are 'expecting' him to be negative and for it to be too much for you to fight yet again. Sorry if that is wrong though.

Try and not 'expect' him to be negative and even though it will be hard act upbeat about him being home. Ask him for a hug if thats what you want.

Do you think he is looking for a fight or an excuse to make one?
Will he try and make you feel bad about 'neglecting' him and his needs?

Remember this is about YOUR NEEDS now stop worrying about how he will react.

And good luck and let us know how you get on. And well done again for helping when needed.

I dont know if I was much help but at least we were there. Little things like no adult no credit card means no TV. Not allowed to leave the ward so if she wanted toothpaste she could not go to the shop - even if she had had the money on her to pay for it. This kid was so alone.

well just being available is good.
How did he react when you saw him.

Something i used to do was to treat him how i would want to be treated. Like teach him how to treat me. It also means that he will not have any cause to throw it back in your face.

It does sound a bit stepford wife -but actually it makes you feel better anyway - regardless of how you feel they are treating you - you know you can look in the mirror and say you have done nothing wrong.

So I would greet him with a kiss or hug and ask after his day - in time he had nothing to complain about and could see the true 'lovely' me and remember why he loves me. Like i said it was not to really make him love me it was more to make sure i did not turn into the bitter nagging wife that i could feel myself turning into (however justified i was for that).
Soon the compliments came from him and over time he could see that anything the ow had previously said about me was more about her wanting to destroy me rather than me actually being like that. So it worked on so many levels - he realised he did not want to love another woman who could not see the good in the mother of his children.

It is a slow process but you can do it - hope you are feeling a bit more positive.

I was crap last night. He is so fed up with work at the moment and we are both worried about the pennies. That left him very little in terms of asking how I was. It has been a totally draining few days. I avoided crying though - I am unable to not start dragging in life the universe and everything when upset - at least I don't trust my self not to. So had lots (too much) white wine, slept on sofa, came to bed at 4, rejected his offer to comfort me then. This morning he said something nice, I said thanks (nicely), he said are you feeling low at the moment, I said yep, he said he was so sorry he was not much use because he was so low too.

This sounds when typing like a self indulgent (from both of us) spiral of feeling sorry for selves but actually it felt good. It felt honest and comforting.

Will try the hugs when he gets in from work tonight. I find contact hard right now tho

This was something the therapist pointed out to me and my DH, that we were both very low and not really in a position to support each other. Not sure how we overcame it, other than just recognise it as a problem and be patient with each other.

I think it was Abedelia who said trying to do two nice things for each other a day even if it is just making him a cup of tea with a smile.

Struggled a bit myself over the last few days, horrible thoughts of DH having sex with OW, had put these thoughts to back of my mind in the last months, not confronted them etc. I don't think there was anything he could have said or done to make me feel any better, I just had to feel the pain IYSWIM. He did take me out to lunch yesterday ie made time for me as he recognised that I needed some extra TLC to help me deal with the sex thing.

I know it is especially hard when dealing with all the other stuff eg money worries, business, kids etc and dealing with the affair as well. We have some horrendous money worries (not out of the woods yet either), these contributed to the affair but DH is facing everything now rather than avoiding all the problems so it helps me to see that he is now dealing with things "walking the walk".

Good luck and do something nice for yourself - get your nails done eg and to hell with the cost. Me and DH realise that sometimes you just have to do these things.

Counting - thanks...oh and consider yourself hugged!

Just about to have a long bath (and check for head lice in my very curly hair - deep joy) and read more of 'the compassionate mind'. It is about being compassionate to yourself as well as everyone else and makes a lot of sense.

good luck with the bath and hope you dont find any head-pets.

Do try and take some time just for you. It will be hard at first but please dont feel bad if it fails every now and then. little steps.

You can do this and you will feel better - but it will be slow going and you will sometimes feel you are taking 3 steps forward and 2 back.

I am glad you feel as though you are going through it together too - make time for each other.

All crap have started another thread...but yes loads of head lice - yuck.