healing after an affair

[gonnabehappy]

I hope someone here can help, I am feeling pretty low right now.

Short summary. Husband (of 23 years and father of my three boys 10 - 15) had an major emotional affair with young (he was 47 she was 26) woman at work. This developed into a physical affair. He told me Easter 2008.

He left for about 8 months (went to live with his mother) and came home when she finally decided she would not leave her husband. We do not have enough money for two homes in this really quite expensive town, he wanted to be with his sons, his sons wanted him to be with them and I thought I still loved him and believed he still loved me. Bot sure why - he had told me often enough that he didn't, that he had not loved me for years etc etc - she was his soul mate.

Fast forward another 6 months and he is still here. Sometimes he tries really hard with our relationship and sometimes he can't be bothered. He is back to sport etc. I am so hurt and struggling to heal. I can't get out of mind the words he said to me, the words she said to me and the emails etc they exchanged. (Yes I know but I did turn into a pretty gifted cyberstalker!).

I cause upset a few nights/days a week 9better than when it was every day). I cry I rant and I make him feel so so guilty and bad. These are times when he says he loves me (I sometimes wonder if I am like a toddler trying to get attention).

This relationship is mutually destructive but I think we both want it to work just cant see how.

I feel as though this is my fault -0 it is way past time to forgive and let go. I am stuck. Crisis last night - he said earlier in week when I was crying that he would take me out Friday night. This is a big deal because it is always me that arranges babysitting etc etc. Guess what last night he said not, no money. Most of all I think he forgot. Yep I was pretty upset. Today he says he will take me out early eve and has checked with eldest son if he will be ok babysitting (he and ,middle son fight - alot). Now I don't feel like going. What is the point of dressing up. He has told me I am too fat, he has told her she is wonderful, what is the point in dressing up and sitting there knowing he wanted to be with her. He choose her, not me and the boys.

Btw he does not want to do Relate or similar.

You know all I read is ' get your act together' 'you are in cloud cuckoo land' 'you know what you should do just do it'.

I am tired but I do know I love my husband and I do believe he loves me. Maybe I need to change - let's face it it is not just my husband that thinks so.

Need to work, should have got a lot more writing done than I have, a lot more data collection than I have which is more to the point.

Time to drift a little relationship wise and get my career back on track.

I do know that means time to stop moaning. thanks for your support - all of you but especially those who have been here done that and shared your stories. Will this thread stay for a long while so I can come back and look again in a little while?

You would never believe if you met me what is happening in my mind. My acting is improving. The pretending will finish me off eventually but I can keep going for a while. I have just a year to go for PhD. Time to get to work. In the meantime I am going to stop expecting - that reduces the potential for being let down.

Thanks for your time and patience. Sorry if I have stretched it a bit.

Sorry that was more than a bit rude wasn't it?

Thank you everyone.

Gonnabe - please don't think everyone is telling you off! We are just saying that it is easy to get stuck in a rut, because let's face it - you didn't deserve this, and it can feel horribly unfair that you are the one who has been hurt but are now also the one who has to make the effort to be nice, when all your emotions are screaming otherwise.

I am currently going through a major relapse myself - probably mixed in with a bit of a dose of antenatal depression (which I never suffered before, odd ). It is very easy to get into a mindset where you think everything has been broken forever and you would be better off on your own / fantasise about leaving because it would mean you didn't have to deal with things on a constant basis anymore. You are perfectly normal, basically.

Hi Gonnabe - don;t worry about being "rude" (I didn't think you were btw - you just sounded slightly frustrated).

Sometimes the support on here can feel slightly critical and has a "just saying this for your own good" quality. Also sometimes people who have been in similar situations think that everything is the same (I know I am guilty of this at times) and when you try to point out differences they treat you as if you are making excuses for yourself, your DH, DC etc etc. Can be frustrating, I know.

You're doing great.

Sometimes when things are crp and out of control you just want the world to stop and you can't make that happen. You can* do that at the moment so if you want to take your mind of things and concentrate on work for a bit - good for you.

Here's a poem from The Monogamy Myth - I read when I'm feeling really bad as it reminds me that everyone going through this does feel the same and it is only my love for my DH that keeps me going (and his genuine love for me and the DC). I honestly think to be without him, our joint past, our family etc would be worse than the pain.

"To give up.
God!
What a bell of freedom that rings within me"
No more wanting to understand what makes you tick
No more wanting to be able to communicate freely
No more waiting for reassurance, for explanation,
...or the words that never come
No more wondering what you are doing
Or who you are with
And then
No more depression
And FINALLY
No more hurting
And all it would take
...is to give you up
But that
...would take too much"

I hope you are feeling better soon Abedelia - I used to suffer from ante-natel depression because I felt so awful (sickness, low blood pressure etc) when I was pregnant. I hope your DH is doing everything he possibly can for you.

Good luck everyone.

Cheers countingto10 - does the low blood pressure affect it? I think it's a combination of bad time of the year, fact I hate being pregnant anyway, and all the crap I have been through in the past 12 months just getting on top of me when I feel rubbish anyway.

Gonnabe - hope you read all these when you get home, keep posting and let us know if anything helped?

I'm not sure if the low blood pressure affects it or not. I think it was just that I felt so rough for 9 months and had other DC to deal with, financial/business problems etc. Just not good when I was pregnant (god knows why I did it 4 times !).

Don't know how I would cope dealing with the aftermath of an affair and being pregnant so I really feel for you atm. Maybe it's the old "one day at a time" and "tomorrow's another day" to get you through - me and DH say it all the time. We have to accept that we will both have bad days and I think you and your DH have to accept the pregnancy hormones might have a negative effect.

Is this a post affair baby ? My DH keeps looking at newborn babies longingly - I'm sure he would like another if we could (I've been sterilised now).

I am getting over my DH having a 'thing' with someone, and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. It feels very hard, i keep wondering how he could do it when i'm pregnant. If i wasnt special enough, why wasnt the baby (dd2, dc4). I get through it day by day. I hope to step up to 2 days soon!

counting - i have said to DH no more babies now. Before affair, he would have happy at that! Now keeps saying about a dc5, 'it will be better' etc. Oh No, No Way.

We have to accept that the affair is about their failings and weaknesses, lack of self-esteem etc - it is not about us and our "failings". It is very hard to do at times.

We must take time out for ourselves, do things that make US feel good and happy even if it a soak in the bath, half an hour reading in the evening, just something for ourselves as I know that in the last 10 years I lost "me" with all the stresses of family and life in general. In fact our counsellor didn't want me going back to work when the youngest started school a couple of weeks ago because she felt I needed to be "me" again but unfortunately DH needed me in the office as a full-time member of staff left and he hasn't replaced her yet. We are both aiming to take more time off, get the work/home balance right, be able to take a day off together whilst the DC are at school etc - real couple time.

I think you are half way there - you both want to be together and want you to both be happy. Yes, you need to do some real talking, some serious connecting, but at least you are starting from same point. x

Whoops posted in wrong place, still maybe that sentiment is one for us here right now.

Husband I both want to be happy, both want our family to be a happy one. Need to try and see the positives.

Btw - post affair baby? Mmmm shame I am too old (45). Affair and pregnant, consider yourself hugged.

Hi everyone, yes, it's a post-affair baby. We had been trying before (in fact, him deciding we should stop try and wait because he had just found out she was interested in him so was in with a chance after all 'we'd just moved house' was one of the first signs something was up, little did I know...) but after, he was quite insistent on trying again as he thought it would help heal things (aka prevent me running away - though not in a creepy controlling way, I hasten to add - he has said he just realised he was so very wrong and wanted his family back because it was so miserable without us).

Obviously I am sensible and thought this wasn't the best idea possibly but as I also thought I had secondary infertility. I was wrong! Actually, he is so pleased I am pg that it is helping so 'tis just one of those weird things.

You see - writing that I am seeing some positives (thanks gonnabe - you will be on here dishing out advice before you know it!)

These babies come along for a reason.....

Oh blimey!

I am too old and unfit for babies and now I feel broody! That is all I need!!!!

Hi Gonna,

I've tried to post this message numerous times and then backed out because I don't know if it will help or not. But, sod it, here goes.

I want to assure you that it can get better in your situation. I was like your husband - I had an affair and was very deeply in love with the OM. My DP knew about the affair and we agreed to separate as me and OM ( who was an ex-boyfriend of mine ) wanted to have a go at a proper relationship. Then when push came to shove, OM bailed out and decided to try again with his wife.

I was absoluletly heartbroken and devastated. There was no way on earth I could have hidden my grief and despair from DP. He took the approach that he wanted us to be together, that he loved me ' warts and all ' and that he would help me through it. It must have hurt him a lot to see me cry over OM, but he stood by me through it and gave me time to grieve.

Prior to the affair, me and DP had been very distant and emotionally apart - we were heading for a break up as I loved him but no longer respected him. I thought he didn't love me anymore - he said he did, but his actions said different. So the affair was ( a very bad idea ) but felt inevitable. However, the strength and devotion DP showed through the post affair period meant my respect for him grew and we have started to connect again. Some people may say he is a doormat for taking me back in this way - but I think it showed enormous courage and strength of character.

You have had a lot of good advice, but I think the difference in your situation is that you feel your husband is not there by choice. My DP was the same - in fact, he KNEW I was not there by choice and that I loved another man more than him and that I was only there because the other man rejected me and I was too fucked up to take care of myself. And he was able to put that aside and see the bigger picture - I don't know how he did it - I don't think I could myself - but it is possible.

I think he just looked to the future and thought - yes, I want magpie and me to be together and I will do what it takes to achieve that. This involved putting all his pride and ego to the side - he isn't even mad with OM and is quite amicable to him - and drawing a line under it.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really or if it helps - everyone I know, even my counsellor thinks DPs reaction is very rare and I think there are gender differences - men seem to be able to put things behind them easier. ( And I keep waiting for the day he wakes up and says ' Hang on a minute, you shagged another bloke ' and chucks me out ) But so far its okay. Put it this way - I would have left him for OM before as OM seemed the much better prospect. Now I would never leave him for another man as I can't imagine another man responding in such a kind and caring way. So we may not last forever, but it won't be for want of trying on both our behalfs.

When I've asked him about it - he just said he put aside what everyone said he should be feeling and he should be doing and focussed on what he wanted and then just worked out what he had to do to get that. As I said, I couldn't, don't know if you can, but it is possible.

Anyway - I hope this helps in some way. Take care.

magpie, I am really touched by your post. Your dh sounds amazing and a very wise person.
It is a shame it is so difficult for many to take his approach.

Thanks hambler,

I'm crying now - this time of year is full of triggers for me, so a bit emotional.

He is amazing - I think part of it is that he immediately accepted his part in the break down of our relationship prior to the affair. He knows I did wrong and my wrong is worse than his - but he was cross at the time that he allowed things to get so bad between us that I even considered OM a better prospect.

As an example, we now joke about the cooker - the oven was broken for two years. DP promised to fix it but going out biking with mates took priority. I kept asking and reminding him. FOR TWO YEARS. Then OM said he would fix it - DP found out and fixed it within the hour. So I joke and say I shagged him to get my cooker fixed.

Like he said he took the eye off the ball and allowed someone else to take his role. He disengaged and didn't listen when I asked for his help and made me feel like I wasn't important to him. And I reacted badly.

However, we have also agreed that we won't stay together out of duty, pity or guilt. We will stay together because we love and respect each other and want our family to be a happy and joyful place.

And I'm off to the toilets now for a cry as I'm at work. x

Wow, Magpie. what a man.
A wonderful other perspective from the( very understable ) advice often given to "wronged " partners to make the unfaithful one pay big time .
Particularly impressive that he acknowledged HIS part in the breakdown of your relationship.

I love the cooker story!

I hope you are able to concentrate on your work x

Sorry - I am back again and hijacking.

I think if I had left and had been the one asking to come back, I would have EXPECTED him to make me pay big time - the power would have been with my DP.

The difference is that I was just totally destroyed by the end of the relationship with OM - I had known him since my early teens and trusted him 100%. Right up until the day he dumped me he was telling me he loved me and always had, was getting divorced and we would be together. Then, that evening, bam, a phonecall out of the blue while his wife was there telling me he still loved her, was going back to her and I could never contact him again. I think DP just looked at me and felt that sticking the boot in would be like kicking a puppy.

Anyway, I am going now. I really should start my own thread if I'm going to go on !

I remember reading a thread where Happywoman said it takes two years to heal a relationship after an affair. We're about 13 months on and things are good. We also have a baby (had been trying for several years prior to the affair)and I am so glad that I had the strength to stick with it as staying felt like the harder option to begin with.
I hope things work out for you

Magpie - I am weeping too. I wonder if I can do what your husband did. I hope so.

I think when an affair happens the betrayer and the betrayed have to look at both their behaviours in the marriage to see where it all went "wrong". I know I was very angry with my DH for various things and because of that I didn't give him respect and was critical a lot of the time. He, in his turn, has admitted that he never communicated his feelings and never allowed me to be "angry" with him as he hated confrontation and avoided it at all costs. Totally ineffective communication all round. So when OW came on the scene, flattering him, boosting his ego etc, it is easy to see how his head was turned - no excuse, he could have said no but I could understand how it could have happened.

Understanding each other is the key to recovering from the affair and communication. We both now communicate with each other so much better - I say what I am feeling and don't bottle things up and he is the same. He is also putting words into actions which he never did before - talked the talk but didn't walk the walk IYSWIM. I can really see changes within him and he feels so much better in himself because of it. It has affected every part of his life, his business relationships, family relationships and friends relationships.

We are both in a better place than we were say 1 year/six months ago before the affair. We can see how it happened and we both think nothing like this will happen again. He says he has fallen in love with me all over again and I have a new respect/admiration for my husband (I never stopped loving him but I never showed him enough)

Us betrayed have to rise above hurt, the lies, deceit, etc and see the bigger picture and if you really love each other, the relationship can be so much better .....

Thank you Magpie for sharing your story, to stay together is the harder path for both parties involved but I think infinitely more rewarding and fulfilling in the long run.

I think this is one of the problems I still have - we have only gone into why it began in the sense that he accepts all blame and said it was because he liked her and thought she'd been flirting with him in the past. As he was leaving work/the city he thought he'd try his luck with seeing whether he was imagining this by dropping a hint that she pounced on, and that was that.

He is adamant none of it was my fault and that our relationship was excellent before - it was just the attraction of something new and the addiction of it being sneaky that appealed. But I'm not sure I buy that - there must have been something that wasn't right? Because if it all was so perfect then why wasn't it enough? I think this is what is feeding my current low... might have to go there again with all that, which I never look forward to. However, i suppose if we can't discuss it then what am I doing here?

Have you had any counselling abedelia ? I think one of the problems I have is that I really do want to talk about the affair a lot and DH obviously doesn't want to go back there. The counsellor explained that me wanting to talk about it all the time was a bit like the post match analysis of a football match where you go over what happened. Your DH has all the bits of the jigsaw puzzle and you still have big gaps/missing pieces to complete the whole picture ie why he really did it.

The counselling did help me and my DH. It was very uncomfortable for both of us at times. We both had to confront behaviours and feelings in ourselves that were not very nice.

It is also worth bearing in mind that lots of people have affairs due to opportunity (she obviously gave him the opportunity).

Remember it is important to live in the present and not keep going back as well. I have realised this in the last couple of weeks as I was making myself feel really bad keep thinking back to all the awful events etc. I do need to discuss the affair with DH but I am trying to do it to gain a better understanding of him rather than to torture myself IYSWIM.

Hope that makes some sense. I think we also have to accept that certain times of year (discovery day etc), photos, songs etc are going to make us feel low but these will fade in time.