healing after an affair

[gonnabehappy]

I hope someone here can help, I am feeling pretty low right now.

Short summary. Husband (of 23 years and father of my three boys 10 - 15) had an major emotional affair with young (he was 47 she was 26) woman at work. This developed into a physical affair. He told me Easter 2008.

He left for about 8 months (went to live with his mother) and came home when she finally decided she would not leave her husband. We do not have enough money for two homes in this really quite expensive town, he wanted to be with his sons, his sons wanted him to be with them and I thought I still loved him and believed he still loved me. Bot sure why - he had told me often enough that he didn't, that he had not loved me for years etc etc - she was his soul mate.

Fast forward another 6 months and he is still here. Sometimes he tries really hard with our relationship and sometimes he can't be bothered. He is back to sport etc. I am so hurt and struggling to heal. I can't get out of mind the words he said to me, the words she said to me and the emails etc they exchanged. (Yes I know but I did turn into a pretty gifted cyberstalker!).

I cause upset a few nights/days a week 9better than when it was every day). I cry I rant and I make him feel so so guilty and bad. These are times when he says he loves me (I sometimes wonder if I am like a toddler trying to get attention).

This relationship is mutually destructive but I think we both want it to work just cant see how.

I feel as though this is my fault -0 it is way past time to forgive and let go. I am stuck. Crisis last night - he said earlier in week when I was crying that he would take me out Friday night. This is a big deal because it is always me that arranges babysitting etc etc. Guess what last night he said not, no money. Most of all I think he forgot. Yep I was pretty upset. Today he says he will take me out early eve and has checked with eldest son if he will be ok babysitting (he and ,middle son fight - alot). Now I don't feel like going. What is the point of dressing up. He has told me I am too fat, he has told her she is wonderful, what is the point in dressing up and sitting there knowing he wanted to be with her. He choose her, not me and the boys.

Btw he does not want to do Relate or similar.

I feel as tho I have not said - thank you

Hello OP,
I can't add a lot to the advice you've been given re your DH but I wanted just to say - I really admire your honesty here but also want to tell you not to think so little of yourself. You have almost completed a PhD, a hugely stressful and difficult undertaking. You have fought back from illness to become fit - requiring huge amounts of courage and motivation. You have raised three boys who I am sure love you dearly, regardless of your all too human faults. All this sounds like someone who deserves a much happier life than she is currently getting. Find a way to work on your self esteem because you deserve to be much happier with yourself, whether or not that ends up being with your DH too.

Sorry i missed this - i too am recovering from my h affair 3 years ago.

You seem to have got yourself in a position where you want to push him away so that you can play the victim again.

Dont worry i too have done this - you are horrid, he says he has had enough, you say 'well you cant really love me then - otherwise you would do EVERYTHING.........' he goes, and then are proved right.

Do take lots of time to really really think about what you want.

And dont give yourself any time limits either. Take it slowly and accept that your old marriage is over (this is the hardest thing actually - as all you want is to go back to how it used to be). It never ever will - this is a new relationship now and you get the chance to make some new ground rules.

If you are both committed then it can work - but it is hard and there will be tears along the way.

For me i was determined that whatever happened i did not want to be the bitter twisted wife (but i sometimes have moments where i feel like it).

You dont have to fully trust him again - and i think it is impossible to do. But think about some of the areas where you do trust him (say with money or with looking after the children, even doing the things he says around the house). Slowly together you can begin to trust him - he will need to be open and honest and you will have to trust yourself that you will NEVER be treated so badly by him again and that you CAN cope without him.

Take some time together - find a way despite the cost. If you need to talk then do that - ask yourself if this really is the man you want to now invest in. Again for me it was during a trip away that i looked over at my h and really felt love and wanted to spend retirement with him.

If you havent told people - dont be embarressed and dont let your h tell you not too. People do and will understand and maybe will offer help.
I know a lot of people see it as shame - but remember that is his not yours. I feel that if others know and support us then if he did stray again he would be letting a lot of others down too.

Remeber how lucky he is to be given another chance - how wonderful you are to allow him this chance.
Try and focus on the good things to have come from this and not the crap.

For us - we do now have a much more open relationship with each other and in fact with other people (so many people tell us their troubles as they know they will get support from us now).
We take time to spend just the 2 of us - we have been on our first (now a few) holidays without the children - takes some time to get over the guilt of that though.
I feel so much stronger in myself and have given myself some new rules too.

none of us know what is around the corner and so we both treasure the present a lot more and worry less about the future.

I hope this helps and would be happy to talk again if you want to cat me.

Wow, there are so truly wise and generous souls on this website.

You are so right about being bitter and twisted. I am. I feel as though I have had a total personality change. I was lively popular and busy. While being a full time mum I have always taught and have studied endlessly gaining two Masters as well as odds and ends. My boys are fantastic (OK not totally, I found a lighter in son number ones bedroom this morning - and other stuff - yuck!).

I do need time, it just feels as though I should be sorted by now. I am taking antidepressants and am determined to stop them. To be honest I really think they are doing more harm than good now although they were essential at times last year.

One of the most serious problems to overcome is my current lack of control. My husband is really really trying, but he can't talk to me properly. Any chat disintegrates into tears ranting etc etc. He is so unhappy. He does not want to live like this. He does not want to be reminded of the bitch who broke his heart every day. Just to add to everything, he has a form of epilepsy although has been drug and fit free for a couple of years now. Yesterday he had another attack (TGA). I am sure it is stress related. His work is crap, money is a big problem and I just do not help at all.

Please feel free to kick me hard!

If you have the cash, I'd suggest you get yourself a counsellor or relationship coach, ideally using CBT to help you stop negative thinking and behaviour patterns.

so you feel stuck in your life?
You can get out of it and be happy again.

Maybe you really cannot forgive your h - i find it strange that you say 'the bitch who broke his heart' Stop thinking about him and his feelings. What about your broken heart? The one he broke.

How does he see the affair now? Some huge mistake that he got caught up with the excitement, or as you say the woman who broke his heart?

I think that because he didnt choose you, it will be harder for you to ever believe that it is you he wants - after all words are cheap. But he needs to fully admit to himself that he totally destroyed your marriage and only then can he start the process of mending it if you are willing.

I dont normally suggest time apart but maybe if you could seperate for a while it will help you see if it is him you want or just a father for the children.

Please do not stay for the sake of the children - they will not thank you in the future for it - and they will certainly pick on the bitterness.
My mother showed no love towards my father as we were growing up - it seemed like a marriage of convience, it was horrible.
But now my mother is ill an my father is her carer. She is cared for by someone who she really does not like and he is 'trapped' having to care for someone whom he visibly dislikes and who shows him no affection or graditude. Horrible horrible horrible.

Anyway good luck - if your h is truly sorry and you want a good marriage it can work out for you. I think you just have not really dealt with it all yet and as time goes on it just becomes harder.

Well, I am a bit if he saw my second batch of comments. I don't expect the husbands to ever see it! But fact is, I hope he is not moping about 'the bitch that broke his heart' after 6 months - it may be that he's miserable because the whole thing destroyed his life (and that includes his good relationshp with you). if he hasn't already he also needs to wise up to the fact that it wasn't all he thought it was, just a seedy bit on the side where everyone lied to each other for cheap thrills. Did he ever really think he'd end up happy ever after with someone nearly 20 years younger??

I agree that the cognitive behavioural therapy might be a good idea - the plan I used for trying to do two nice things per day to / for H and see how H responded and how it made me / us feel was something I came up with after having dinner with a friend who'd just had extensive CBT...

I have thought and thought.

I can't counselling at the moment, I have found out about someone I would like but no money right now. GP (pretty good chap) says better to spend money on weekend away anyway and am inclined to agree.

I do know what you mean by being surrounded by nature - walking the dog is my lifeline!

I do know I should not take all blame - but at the end of the day. I have some responsibility, including being responsible for my own actions and perhaps feelings. This is how I have decided to live, for what ever reasons, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get arse in gear (hence kick!).

I like the idea about doing two nice things...good to have something concrete to aim for.

Thanks.

You need both Gonna- a weekend(s) away and counselling!

You need to completely turn round your belief system about yourself which is why CBT/coaching would help.

You might be able to get free counslling via your GP- most surgeries do it- or low cost counselling for women- some authorities provide it. Have a look around and ask.

Gonna - there's a lot here that you're not telling us and somehow I think that's affecting our responses on here.

From the facts we know, you're telling us that you are actually only 6 months down the line from his affair ending. That OW ended it and not him. That he doesn't always try to make amends (you said in your original post that he does sometimes). That during the affair, he said some unbelievably cruel things about your appearance. That his OW was also cruel and nasty to you and about you and that he was presumably complicit in this. That he is now demonising the OW for hurting HIM, if not you.

That's an awful lot to forgive and forget you know. You are not nearly 2 years down the line at all, you're only 6 months by the sounds of it. When I think back to that point in my situation, I was light years away from being "over it". I'm not now, over a year down the line. This is despite a husband who ended his affair straight away, has done everything in his power to right the wrong, who was never as cruel, who never once tried to shift the blame on to me etc. etc.

I do think you need to heal, but I'm afraid I'm not in the least bit surprised that the marriage isn't healing. This is where I scratch my head about the GP suggesting a "weekend away". That might go some way to healing the marriage, but I'm not sure what that's going to do for YOU.

Gonna
your GP sounds a bit of an idiot if that was his response, TBH.
A weekend away might cost you £200- a counselling session is around £40. If you go Relate the fees can be lower if you are hard up.

You sound really messed up and you need more than a weekend away to help you.

Are you sure your GP can't offer you low cost counselling via the practice?

Your GP doesn't know their arse from their elbow - we tried the weekend away six months after it all came out / ended and ended up having a massive row on the first night that ruined the rest of our time. The pressure to 'enjoy' the time away was immense and I couldn't deal with it without boiling over, simply because it SHOULD have been a lovely romantic time, but deep down I hated him for having ruined it and given me so much emotional baggage to try and suppress in order to enjoy myself.

A change of scenery won't alter what us rotting inside you - why do you think you won't revert to the same old rows, just because the room ou are in has changed? Beg or borrow, but if you think it will do you good then what is counselling really going to cost versus living like you are for any longer? Even if it is just a couple of sessions it might help get you out of the current cycle of mutual destruction.

Lots here...

It was Easter 2008 I found out, Jan 2008 he started affair. His girlfriend changed her mind at the end of this January, he moved in first week in Feb - do you remember the snow? That week!

I have had the six counselling sessions permitted on NHS - you would all laugh yourself silly if I said too much...but just picture this elderly portly man in a shell suit who was unable to remember my name - get the picture! One day I might base a sitcom on it!!!

I did check out relate - but we are the stereotypical high income but huge outgoings couple that fall through the net on all financial help. I could get some vis private health care but would need to be referred by psychiatrist. I just do not have time or energy for that.

I think that comment 'there is no room for you' probably says a lot. I have thought about this and I think I do not even know who 'me' is anyway. I guess it is my turn to have the midlife crisis, and the loss of identity I have experienced over the past year or so has a lot to answer for here. It is not just about losing identity as a beloved wife (although that is a big deal) but I am shocked at how badly I have handled this. As is, I might add, everyone who knows me. I certainly did not appear to be the type of person that would fall apart as much as I did/have. My poor boys have not had a good year either, and I have made it worse than it need be. There is no questions in my mind about how much better they are with their dad here.

CBT might well help, I have a horrible feeling I would be better of with some psychoanalytic stuff first though (and I can not even begin to explain how at odds that is with the type of psychology I practice!!!! - another identity crisis here I think!). Theoretically and academically I know what to do and I am so angry with myself for failing to do it.

Yes we do have sex, it is for both of us a big part of our relationship. It feels like communication that is true and real and I don't want to stop it. Will be good when I manage to ditch the antidepressants and regain a libido tho (grin).

Husband certainly has a conscience. He is a very good man who has made some terrible decisions over the past year or two. He listens and lets me rage at him and takes it incredibly well. He is naturally quite aggressive and never shouts back at me. He knows and he is so so sorry. That makes its own problems - he is good and I wonder if he is here out of guilt, out of a sense of responsibility and a desperate need to heal our family. I spend a lot of time wondering about how unhappy he is to be here and how much he is acting now. I don't want him to be unhappy and no way do I want him to martyr himself (yuck).

The other side to this coin is that I don't trust my self. I never knew he was unhappy before, never knew he lied. My take on our life was so so different. I can't trust my own judgment and that is worse than not trusting him. I am sorry I don't know if I have written this before - I have thought it a lot!

I think the main problem in terms of his understanding is that he does not see that the relationship we had before is stone dead as a result of the last couple of years. He is just as he always has been, actually not quite true he is more considerate. But to me...this is like trying to make a new relationship, not repair an old one...but worse. Things that irritated me (like not making arrangements to take me out, or never considering he should feed the washing machine!) were only an irritation given the sound secure and incredible love we shared. Now they feel like a slap round the face because all that security has been lost. There is also some bloody mindedness here. I have a full time job (my PhD is sponsored and therefore full time) as well as being a full time mum in every way and why should I do all the bloomin washing!

I am so sorry to have written such a long post. I feel like I am taking you all for granted. I also feel that many of you are giving really good advice and I am permanently saying but but but, making excuses even. Trouble is to me they are not excuses but sound reasons.

I don't know what I am asking for really.

I get the strong impression that life is carrying on pre-affair style, apart from your outbursts?

There seems to be a lack of communication between you both as to how you feel and how he feels.

ithink CBT would help you enormously as one thing that would help is learning to be more assertive- saying what you want and need without resorting to anger and tears for a start.

But do you know WHAT you want?

Do you want him back? I know he is physically back, but do you want him home for good?

Re. the sex, does the OW play on your mind at all during it?

These are all things that need to be out in theopen.

If you have private insurance, you may well find that a psychatrist does CBT as well. If I were you, I'd beg, steal, borrow, feed the family on beans and jacket potatoes for a month to find the money for couples counselling.

I think you are making excuses about not wanting to go- and although you had 1 bad experience, it can take af ew goes tofind a good counsellor.

All your feelings are perfectly normal - and i think that what you want is to validate them with us. Dont feel bad about that it is all part of the healing of you.

What you must do though is to stop worrying about why he is there - if he is being a maytar - so what. What you are asking for is impossible - you want him to tell you how much he loves you, you the only one, he cannot love anyone else...... But you KNOW that is not true and so ask questions so he will prove you right.
You are asking the impossible and you know you will not get it - your h also knows he cant deliver that as he cannot change the past and so he feels guilty - but there is only so much guilt he can take too.

That old marriage is dead - he killed it - you have to ask yourself whether you want to still have a romantic relationship him.

I worry about you saying you made your choices and now have to live with them - why? Because you made some vows to him a very long time ago and it is not in your nature to break them.
Ask yourself is it in your nature to be the bitter twisted wife - make a new vow to YOURSELF that you will not be like that.
He has broken the vows not you and you can always change your mind at any time now - one day you will feel able to commit a bit more if that is how you feel but for now it is not neccessary and he should never make you feel guilty or that it is your fault if you change your mind.

I do know what you mean about not trusting your own judgement - but again that is his failing not yours.

I would rather be a fool and be taken for a fool than some other things - like being the ow for instance.

I have given my h the chance to treat me like a fool and it is up to him if he does - it will not be my fault if he does and he will have to live with that if he does.
I totally trust myself to never put up with what he has put me through again.

Continue walking the dog and do try and find a way to get the help you need - you may find that just being able to open up here will help you anyway.

HappyWoman said "you may find that just being able to open up here will help you anyway".

It does. Will do some thinking and be back - if your patience can stand it!

Gonnabehappy - do you know for certain that he is not still in touch with the OW and hoping that she may still change her mind?

Yes am very sure...might be gullible but really don't think so.

Gonna, the information we are missing is what HIS take on this is.

It sounds as though his initial justification for the affair was, amongst other things, that you were fat, that he never loved you and that OW was his "soul mate".

What does he say now?

It sounds as though he thought that this was a grand love affair of epic proportions.

What does he think this was now?

You say you mistrust your judgement because you never knew he was unhappy. That's in all probability because he didn't tell you he was, or indeed that he wasn't actually unhappy before. One of the biggest myths is that only unhappy marriages/people are vulnerable to affairs.

What does he think was the reason for this affair?

How does he view the OW now? Does he regard her as the she-devil who wrecked his life and cannot be forgiven for not loving him enough to choose him? Is she an evil woman who hurt his life and his wife terribly? Was she a fantasist with a poor grip on reality, which therefore makes HIM a poor judge of character? Or does he view her as a damaged individual and wishes he'd never clapped eyes on her?

His view of her is really telling, you know. Hating her for not loving him enough gets a zero score. Hating her for hurting you (what this OW did was actually totally unnecessary and cruel you see) is pretty healthy at this stage. The eventual aim though is to view her as a damaged individual, wish her no particular harm, but to scratch his head with amazement that he ever saw her as an alternative to YOU.

Finally, two important questions.

If she prostrated herself on his doorstep with grief that she had made the wrong decision and begged to try again, what would he feel? (as opposed to what he would SAY. You imply that he is a basically good man who you think is staying out of duty. You might suspect he'd say "no thanks" out of duty, which is why it's important to get to what he'd be FEELING.)

And what does he love about you? Set aside all the bitter and twisted manifestations of your extreme hurt, but what does he love about gonna as a human being? Why does he want you as his romantic partner again, set aside from your qualities as a home-maker, professional and mother? What does he see in you as a woman?

You seem to set yourself impossibly high standards for getting over this. As I've said before, no-one ever knows how this is going to affect them. I'd never have believed the way my situation has affected me either.

But I do have closure on the above issues, that allow my esteem to be high and to view this as a wake-up call that has brought huge hurt, some bittnerness but also wonderful gifts. Unless you tell us otherwise, I don't think you have that closure, so how on earth can you get over this and stop feeling so angry and bitter? Give yourself a break, you are way too hard on yourself.

good post - whenwill.

The important thing is to try and take the positives that can come from this and not focus on the negatives.

But as many have said - it is still early days and what you have been through is huge thing. Which is another reason i think things should be more open so that more help can be given by others.

He did think it was 'love', I think he now realizes it was infatuation. If she turned up here I think it would twist his gut but that he would not ever go back to her.He is angry with her for the things she said to me - like how could she best make a good relationship with my boys!!!!

I think he sees her as flawed, but he still wonders what might have been if things had been different.

Their affair never had a chance to go beyond fantasy - they did have sex on two occasions - not enough for the gloss to wear off.

But loving as a single man, with boys three nights a fortnight was a prime opportunity to see how relaxing life could be. It is the whole package that was fantasy.