Needy dp

[MavisEnderby]

Unsure whether here or AIBU is the best place to post.

DP has a lt chronic illness which was dx 2 yearts ago.He was very ill and spent the majority of a year in hospital

I have 2 dcs 5 and 3 1 who has sn

Recently I started back at work and work nights

I do the majority of childcare and housework,this includes the wahing up,cooking,shopping,cleanign,ironing,paperwork and financesand so on as dp is unable to do it.

I am really tired most of the time.

Dp ha sjust had a pop about us never spending any time together and about me going to bed early (Usually 8-9 if I am not mn )and the fact that when dd is at nursery ams I do tend to get her up and sometimes I go back to bed when both dcs are at school/nursery.

The days Idon't go for a recharge I am usually doing the housework and when dd comes back from nursery this is when I do stuff with her,then when ds gets back it is homework teas washing up and whatnot,then bath and reading/stories and bed,then also attending to dps health stuff as needed

By bedtime (8pm for ds 7.30 for dd plus her usual delaying tactics) I am well knackered and lacking in energy.

I can sort of see a bit where he is coming from but also feel it is important I do rest as if I go under we would all be in a right pickle.

How do I solve this one?Thanks

Anyone???

wiil check back later,dd has just strewn wipes around the livingroom and is currently removig lids from felt tips

So you work nights and in the day are looking after children/doing housework?

Do you not actually get the equivalent of a nights sleep and are just napping when possible?

If you´re husband isn´t in a position to help, TBH I don´t think he´s in a position to criticise either.

have you sat down and talked this through properly?

I understand it's hard if DP isn't capable of helping out round the house, and so he needs to understand just how much you really have on your plate.
I can only liken this to the early days of having ds and being in bed at 8.30 or i just couldn't cope during the day at all.....and my then dp got huffy about me going to bed so early.

Can he not come to bed early with you one night a week and just have a snuggle and chat? or could you arrange to spend one morning a week (or whatever regularity suits) together when dd is at nursery? It's going to have to be a compromise and some of the housework is maybe going to have to slide for a little while.

I'm sorry i can't be of more use, it's not a situation i have any experience of.

(ps - i like your name....are you a lincs mner?)

Ah Mavis, bumping for you.

People who have serious illnesses often lose sight of the realities of their loved ones lives. He's battling life threatening illness, and you are keeping it all together, but that stuff, as we all know, is often overlooked even by the healthiest of partners, because it just gets done.

Maybe he can't see that? Yes its shit for him. But its shit for you too. Maybe you have protected him a bit too much from the realities of your responsibilities and duties, and all he sees is a partner who disappears off to bed at the first opportunity?

This might be a chance to talk about how you an both cope with the fallout of his illness...and understand each others point of view.

Don't think you are being unreasonable at all to need to sleep when you get the chance - after all you are doing the lot, all the working, all the childcare/housework and being a carer for your DP. Would you be able to set apart one evening a week to have as quality time for you and DP (meal after the kids are in bed, no TV, chance to talk etc.)? And then explain to DP that the rest of the time, when you have a chance to rest, you need to take it.

I don't want your message to go without reply Mavis. Crumbs you do a lot and it sounds as if your dp is being unreasonable but if he is ill it may be getting him down. Is there no family who can jehlp? Can you pay a babysitter to cover you for a lunch with dp once a week or even an evening when you are not working. I struggle with this too. I lack time with dp and have not sorted it. It is so easy to see to the kiddles and to sort out your needs (sleep) and to lack energy for your relationship. Maybe this is something that will improve with time. I hope so for both f us.

So what does your DP want you to do, not sleep ever and be super woman?

He is being unreasonable.