How much your DP/DH is helping you with the baby/house?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Without going much into details, I feel that my DP is not helping me much at all - house or the baby. I have to ASK for things to be done which is annoying and hurts (esp when that's to do with the baby). After we argue about it he does get better and makes an effort for a day or two but then it is all back to where it was.

So just to see whether I am being unreasonable- how does your DP/DH help you? Does he e.g do the washing up, change baby's nappy, bathe the baby, clean the house without you asking?

Wondering if all men all like that or it's just mine?..

Yep DP does a lot round the house. He wasn't as keen to get involved with DS (dressing/changing nappy/bathing) when he was tiny because he was frightened of hurting him, but he's very hands on with him now. How old is your baby?

I think he may be in the minority though

He doesn't help. He does his fair share. It's half his baby and half his house so half his responsibility.

My DH works full time and gets back late but he does the night feeds and at weekends he does about about half the amount of nappies, bathing and general baby care.

He does traditional 'manly' household maintenance jobs but no housework.

This is fine with me at the moment as I am a SAHM but when I return to work, there is going to be a bug shake up and the chores will be shared out equally.

big shake up eeven!

Same as BornToFolk's dp/dh.

It is our house and our dds we are talking about here.

He doesn't "babysit either" (well he might for a friend's dc but not for his own) iyswim.

So no, not "all men" are like that, obviously I can't comment if it is just yours. I would suggest having a good chat about it. If all else fails then stop cooking and laundry and when he asks (for example) "what's for tea" or "where are my clean boxers" reply calmly and politely that you don't know.

Well, my DH does the vast majority of food shopping, all the washing-up and about 80% of cooking - I help out with cooking if he can't for some reason. He also does laundry up to the point of putting it away (which for some reason is my job) and usually does most of the ironing.

I do cleaning, organising things, DIY and gardening.

So DH wouldn't vacuum without me asking him to, because we've agreed that's 'my' job, but he certainly would go to the shops, cook dinner, and wash up without me saying anything, because that's 'his' job.

Some friends run a strict turn-taking policy with everything - that might work?

I agree that you musn't think about one of you helping the other - you have a shared house and shared baby, and they are as much your DH's responsibility as they are yours.

It sounds like at the moment you're asking him to 'help' you, and then you argue about it. I think that you need to negotiate a solution, and that means sitting down and discussing your new situation and workload without arguing. Think of it a bit like being at work, where suddenly you have new tasks to do, and you have to arrange with a colleague who's going to do what. You could try making a list of all the tasks that need doing, how often they need to be done, and how long they take, and then start from there.

An interesting question that's been on my mind recently. Since having the baby I have been mainly at home with her (do 2 mornings in the office to keep business ticking over). So essentially I do take on the lion's share of the housework, cooking laundry and baby care on the basis that is my main job. However, at weekends when we're both there then it's got to be half and half, and same goes for after he gets home from work. Just because he leaves the house to do his work doesn't mean that I haven't done equal work in the house. So when we're together it's got to be equal shares until the baby is asleep and then we can both relax.

So evenings for eg I'll do the cooking and he'll do the clearing up and then we are starting to take it in turns to get the baby off to sleep.

I do think though that time together should be more about enjoying each other and the family rather than trying to get through a list of chores, which is why I'd rather sit down with him and have a chat/glass of wine than be frantically ironing shirts - or seeing him do it.

The issue of one partner being in the house longer does muddy the water though - and the house gets tied up in with the baby to become that person's role, and I really don't think that's fair. I also think if you can get the other person to see it (without an argument) then they would agree that the person who is at home should not have to keep on working on their own just to do the housework, simply because the house is "their work".

I must admit though that my husband agrees in theory but generally does need to be given instructions on what he has to do - rather than just being able to see it and do it. I don't think he's being difficult or obtuse just that maybe that's the way his mind works. EG He'll do the washing up but until I pointed it out to him would omit to wipe down the surfaces, put out the recycling. Now he knows he does it.