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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please let me know if i am over reacting:(((

26 replies

brownchocolate · 21/09/2009 15:03

I am a bit confused, you see a couple of weeks ago i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, i had to be induced immedeatly due to some complications, so i had to stay in the hospital for about two days, i was worried sick about something happening to the baby, my DH had to stay at home during the night as he wasn't allowed to stay, after 3 days i was back at home and wanted to check my mail and i came across all this porn websites that he was seeing, mind you when i checked when he visited this websites it was on the days i was in hospital worring my self sick, i was so hurt that instead of him thinking about our safety he would enjoy such things on such a night, i confronted him and all he said was he coudnt sleep so thats why he watched porn,now it leaves me with a thought that if i could really count on this person to be there with me through thick and thin, especially in my hours of need.Any suggestion is appriciated.

OP posts:

NicknameTaken · 21/09/2009 15:47

I can see why this would be painful for you, brownchocolate, but in all honesty, I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy. With all the excitement and fear, he must have been running high on adrenalin, and I can totally see how he needed a little physical relief.

overmydeadbody · 21/09/2009 15:51

It doesn't make him a bad person or someone you cannot rely on, although it might be an indication of othre problems in your relationship.

He wasn't hiding it though was he?

Men don't worry about things in the same way as women, if he was worried about you and the baby his first reaction may have been to find a distraction.

Was he there for you and the baby in your hour of need? Was he there when he needed to be? Has he been there and supporting you and the baby since?

SheWillBeLoved · 21/09/2009 15:56

Maybe he also needed some sort of detachment from reality? And let's face it, most porno's floating around are about as far from reality as you can get! Must have been as scary for him as it was you, no?

I'm not condoning his behaviour, and I can completely understand why you'd feel hurt and somehow 'betrayed' by him - but go easy on him. It really isn't that bad. To put some perspective on it - at least he was only watching porn and not out taking advantage of you not being around to do more. Unless he has some sort of obsession with porn which you haven't mentioned then just let it go and enjoy these first precious weeks with your new baby

SheWillBeLoved · 21/09/2009 15:58

Must post faster to avoid looking like a huge advice copycat

AnAuntieNotAMum · 21/09/2009 16:01

Men can have a tendency to use sex as a method of stress relief and escape from reality.

Malificence · 21/09/2009 16:02

Are some men so stupid that they can't understand how much this would hurt?
If he really felt the need to view porn ( god knows why when you had just given birth and in the situation you were) he should have made damn sure he got rid of the evidence.

The old chestnut " this is what men do" doesn't sit well with me I'm afraid, selfish, thoughtless men maybe.

He needs to understand that he's let you down and there really isn't a valid excuse, if he couldn't sleep then he should have bought some natrasleep!

groundhogs · 21/09/2009 16:04

Nuff said, don't read anything into it at all, that's how they deal with things, distract themselves.

echofalls · 21/09/2009 16:06

I agree that if he wants to watch that he should have got rid of the evidence.

Although you both became parents, it was reality to you (carrying baby and delivery etc) and men can be like bystanders. So whilst you were in hospital you couldn't escape the situation whilst he was at home he was able to switch off a bit.

Congratualtions on the birth of your baby boy, enjoy this time and try to move on from this experience.

HappyWoman · 21/09/2009 16:10

At least he wasnt hiding it and it sounds as if he told the truth as soon as he was confronted.

I dont buy the 'thats what men do' either but i can also see that in his highly charged state it may have been a way of 'distracting' himself.

Unless he has a problem with porn i would let it go but make sure just how much him viewing porn upsets you.

You too are feeling fragile at the moment no doubt - but this behaviour does not mean he is unrelaible.

norktasticninja · 21/09/2009 16:12

Congratulations on the birth if your son

I understand you feeling hurt but as PPs have said it is a pretty normal reaction to stress for a man. IME I am very unreasonable and easily hurt/upset in the days and weeks after I've given birth.

I'm sure he'd far rather have been with you to hold your hand but he wasn't able to be and had to do something. It doesn't mean you can't count on him in times of need. Really it doesn't.

It was pretty damn tactless of him not to clear the history though.

OrmIrian · 21/09/2009 16:13

Bit careless to leave it for you to find but not really that terrible. It was a distraction for him - he couldn't be with you so he was trying to take his mind of his concern.

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2009 16:15

From what you've written it looks llike he was actually unable to come and support you in teh hospital as he wasn't allowed, so I don't think you should be translating this as him not thinking about your safety. Maybe you are seeing it as something bigger than it really is because it's a very emotional time for you?

HappyWoman · 21/09/2009 16:16

but actually by not clearing the history he obviously feels safe and trusted and that counts for a lot. Surely worse that he in future clears the history and leaving the op to wonder why and exactly what has been viewed.

Malificence · 21/09/2009 16:21

I'd say a normal reaction to extreme stress for a man would be to have a couple of beers or play a computer game, shooting aliens and the like. Stress doesn't generally make people horny, quite the opposite in my experience!

If his way of coping with difficult situations is to use porn as a distraction then he's not very emotionally mature.

The bottom line is that he's been extemely thoughtless at the most emotionally traumatic and intense time of your life.

cheerfulapple · 21/09/2009 16:21

I really can understand why you are feeling as you are but I would let it go.

Congratulations on your new baby, just enjoy him and don't think about the porn anymore.

norktasticninja · 21/09/2009 16:28

My DPs reaction to everything stress is an increase in the 'need' for sex...

Original poster

brownchocolate · 21/09/2009 16:39

thanks for your replies. i forgot to mention that about 2 weeks prior to this i found him watching porn and i told him that its a disrespect to me especially that now i am pregnant, he told me he wont do it again, believe me i am the kind of girl who is not that strict when it comes to this kind of thing but i always tell him if he wants to watch porn,i dont mind him watching it with me but alone i just assume he is not satisfied with what he is got,i wont say is addicted to it but i dont know why he feels the need to watch such things.

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 21/09/2009 16:59

What difference does it make if he is watching it with you, or alone? He will still be thinking of the porn whether he is with you or not.

I think it's disrespectful if he chooses to watch porn rather than be intimate with you. But if he is just watching it for the sake of a quick thrill, then where is the problem? We all have things which make us 'tick'. Plus he probably just thought he would have a quick look at some porn for a release rather than bother his very pregnant wife.

Don't read too much into it. In the grand scheme of things, watching a woman who he'll never meet, or even speak to - in a random porno, isn't that bad at all. There are much more disrespectful things he could be doing.

norktasticninja · 21/09/2009 17:29

Sorry, but I think you are being very unreasonable to set the terms under which your husband can masturbate in this way. Do you also have an agreement that you'll only ever use a dildo/vibrator in his presence? Do/would you stick to it regardless of the circumstances?

I could understand entirely if you had a problem with porn at all, ever. It's a vile industry. That really doesn't seem to be the case though.

HappyWoman · 21/09/2009 18:12

man - emotionally mature - in the same sentence.

I must admit if you generally think it is ok for him to use porn then i think it unreasonable that it can only be in your presence. I should imagine some of the attraction of it is the seediness and secret nature of it.

But like i said earlier thank your lucky stars that he does not feel the need to 'hide' it from you - yet!
If you told him you did not like him doing it then he has indeed not been very respectful of your feelings in this matter - so what will you do about it now?

overmydeadbody · 21/09/2009 18:20

I agree with norktastic

overmydeadbody · 21/09/2009 18:26

and I agree with SheWillBeLoved.

And I don't agree with the posters who have said he should have got rid of the evidence. He shouldn't have to hide this sort of thing. I think it reflects better on him actually, that he didn't hide it or try to deny it.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 21/09/2009 18:44

I can understand you feeling a bit emotional about it while you were pregnant but I also know it is irrational.
I had a situation recently where I was sexually indisposed for a spell and I know dh had been watching porn it did sting a bit but I also knew it was me being irrational as in general I don't have a problem with it just at thah time I did feel a bit put out as I wasn't able to supply but I knew that it was my problem that I felt that way and couldn't take it out on dh who incidentally was not at all bothered that our sex life was at a stand still for a while.

norktasticninja and SheWillBeLoved are absolutely spot on in what they said agree with everything 100% and I do apologise for bringing the tone down but I did snort a little laugh when norktastic said: "Sorry, but I think you are being very unreasonable to set the terms under which your husband can masturbate in this way"

mayorquimby · 21/09/2009 21:51

"Are some men so stupid that they can't understand how much this would hurt?
If he really felt the need to view porn ( god knows why when you had just given birth and in the situation you were) he should have made damn sure he got rid of the evidence."

then we would have had a thread about "caught my husband trying to hide webistes from me,now i don't know what he's really been doing for years,is it just hiding porno sites or is there more?"
fwiw i think he was just having awank and i don't see how him watching porn is disrespecting you.
in all honesty what would it have helped if he'd just sat home and worried for two days?

aurynne · 22/09/2009 07:11

Hi, congratulations on your beautiful baby!

If it makes you feel better, I also watch porn in my computer. Not only men do that! And it's not an issue at all with my partner (in fact, if he sees me doing it, then we watch it together).

brownchocolate, have your partner and you spoken about this before? If you haven't, he may very well not even know that his watching porn upsets you.

Hugs,

Aurynne

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