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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i hate my mil

51 replies

jellyfingers · 17/09/2009 11:50

just need to get this off my chest. i really really hate my mil she is a horrible interfearing old cow that makes nasty snide little comments that are aimed at me,so my dear stupid husband is compleatly unaware of what she has said.i recently had a baby she came to visit after about two weeks, then asked to take FAMILY PHOTO of my baby my other dd, ds and dh i was not asked to get in the photo. in my opinion that is quite rude. and if i say anything to dh im the one being unreasonable.
how do you cope when you know no matter what she does your dh will always take his mothers side and defend her?

OP posts:
Original poster
jellyfingers · 17/09/2009 12:01

and forgot to mention father in law has never spoken to any of our 3 dc, and the oldest is nearly 7 years old.
they both do my head in

OP posts:
Bucharest · 17/09/2009 12:03

You can choose not to have her in your life. Just because she gave birth to your husband doesn't mean you owe her anything.

Believe me, it took years off me walking out.

downbutnotquiteout · 17/09/2009 12:03

Oh God its turning into a right in-law bashing day!! I know exactly how you feel tho. This happened to me - one of them actually said to me -'No you stay over there you're not important!' LOL... I was so mad about it at the time, DS was only 4 weeks old and we'd travelled a couple of hours to see them, so it did kind of upset me.
Sorry I don't really have any advice as can't really handle my own IL's.... I was looking at my wedding photos the other day and we both looked so young and innocent - who'd have thought things could be this hard? You marry into a family and take their son off their hands, you give them grandchildren and their still not happy.... ungratefully buggers....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/09/2009 12:11

"Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward is a good starting point for you. I would read this.

Its as much your H's issue as it is yours; he needs to speak to his Mother. Problem is these men have already had years of such conditioning to think that this behaviour of their Mum's is "normal". Not making any excuse for such men at all but it is hard for them to think at all differently about their Mum after a lifetime of it.

My ILs are to put it kindly, dysfunctional. Totally Dysfunctional. I've had that with the photos recently; MIL wanted one of our holiday photos; the one she wanted was just of H and our child. I was not mentioned!. I did say something to my H about that to the effect that I am part of the family as well.

RubyrubyrubyRevel · 17/09/2009 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SqueezyCheese · 17/09/2009 12:14

Why has your FIL never spoken to your children?

Original poster
jellyfingers · 17/09/2009 12:32

have no clue why he has never spoken to any of dc, which has offended me greatly.but what made it worse was when horrid mil kept sending b/day and xmas cards with love from nanny and grandad . i think if he cant be bothered to speak to them he doesnt get to be grandad. and none of my dc know who he is

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RubyrubyrubyRevel · 17/09/2009 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jellyfingers · 17/09/2009 12:38

i have been dealing with this poxy in law thing for nearly 12 years now and im so sick of it .its always there in the back of my mind every thing she has done or said . like when dh told her we were having dc 3, all we got was oh god another one, there was no congratulations when is it due nothing, and im not supposed to get offended by that.

OP posts:
lu81 · 17/09/2009 12:41

New here so hello to all! Saw this and made me feel better. I hate my mil too. Cut a long story short I got pnd a few months after having my baby, she would turn up when she felt like it. Most of the time it was at the most inapropriate time.I did not let her hold him cause the day he was born she come up the hospital picked him after i had just got him settled, he started crying his little heart out and she would not give him back, my heart was being ripped out, so I think she was partly to blame for me getting pnd. All she said was I've brought up 5 kids on my own with depression what makes you so special! Not being funny but she didn't do a very good job of that on one of her boys. He is 40 never left home and i'm sure if she could wipe his arse for him then she would. Sorry rant over.

RubyrubyrubyRevel · 17/09/2009 12:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lu81 · 17/09/2009 12:56

Thanx Ruby, nice to be welcomed.

Original poster
jellyfingers · 17/09/2009 13:01

im just glad im not the only one out there that has these problems . when horrid mil came to see my new baby i wouldnt let her hold her either. dh basically had to force me to let go of her so his horrid mother could hold her for all of 2 minutes.and i never spoke to the old cow once while she was there.(3/4 hours) just to make sure she knew i wasn't happy that she was there

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Original poster
jellyfingers · 17/09/2009 13:02

oh yes i meant to say welcome too lu81

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lu81 · 17/09/2009 13:10

Thats quite funny to hear, she got further than my mil did he was crying and we were just gona eat dinnerand she said oh I will hold him I said no im going to put him is cot. She looked horrfied and I didn't even look at her after that! Hubby didn't say anything as he is like anything for a quiet life.

wasabipeanut · 17/09/2009 13:34

Ok, I thought I had issues with mine but many of you sound like you suffer far more!

It may help you to get a handle on what my MIL is like when I say that when I first met her, FIL and SIL for the first time she looked at me with utter disdain and said "hello Wasabi I've head about you." That was it. Her and SIl stared at me all the way through dinner which we had at the hotel they were all staying at. Then after dinner MIL and SIL went up to "have a look at the room" but quite blatantly talk about me. It was insufferably rude and I have never forgiven either of them for it.

MIL is a world champion at the passive aggressive approach. She prides herself on never getting angry (and in fact the whole family are shit scared of confrontation) but she endlessly slags other relatives off behind their backs. God knows what she says about me. She makes vicious sideswipes about me to my face but always out of earshot of DH. If I reacted it would be "I don't know what you mean you must have misunderstood."

The trouble is that FIL and DH are very similar in temperament, very gentle just want a quiet life types and if I ever let rip it would really upset both of them so I tend to just button it. Which is quite difficult for me.

I'm just grateful we live 200 miles apart or I probably would have choked her by now.

diddl · 17/09/2009 13:52

Í don´t hate mine.
She´s not worth that much effort!

Do what we did-move abroad-hubbys decision.

They haven´t visited us ever-bliss!!

Original poster
jellyfingers · 17/09/2009 13:52

my mil just does the poor little me rotine with no one wants to spend time with me ,no one loves me. i just want my family back. cry, cry, cry, down the phone at my dh
for gods sake she has 4 grown up children all married with 12 kids between them all, we are not all going to fit in her 2 bed house with no heating.
what is her bloody problem.
i also live about 200 miles from the old witch but i still get grief. lucky i only have to see her maybe 2/3 times a year.

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diddl · 17/09/2009 14:07

Mine does that jellyfingers.
How she misses the grandchildren.
And it´s not as if we haven´t invited them over.
But they wouldn´t want to stay with us-they wouldn´t be "in control".
They wouldn´t want to stay in a hotel-as they would be reliant on us to ferry them between there & here & we would be "in control"-!!??

My MIL upset me once-my hubby told her-tears, don´t you love me anymore FFS, a blöödy grown woman.
Er, it doesn´t mean I don´t love you, but your´re not entitled to speak to my wife like that.
It was downhill from there!!
Well, the dozy woman effectively made him choose-and he did!

wasabipeanut · 17/09/2009 14:12

Diddl How far did you have to move?

StayFrosty · 17/09/2009 14:17

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diddl · 17/09/2009 14:19

I´m in Germany, so not too drastic.

lu81 · 17/09/2009 14:33

true frosty, but it was just the fact that i hadn't spent any time with my new baby the first alone time i had with him while i was eating hospital food which i didnt eat cause they turned up. baring in mind i gave birth to him at 04.05 and this was 18.30 and i was so tired i was falling asleep on them anyway and i was told they were going up the next day so they changed their mind. and plus i dont like sil she slags me of the whole time and she broadcast to the whole town i had a miscarrage when to me that should be kept within the family. She hasn't done anything for her grandson.

benandoli · 17/09/2009 14:38

so comforting to read that other people have the same problem! My in laws hate my parents and are now refusing to come to the childrens parties if my parents are invited! My inlaws even got my parents cut out of a wedding photo but the mil even got her own son cut out of one so she had a photo of just her and fil - weird or what!

lu81 · 17/09/2009 14:48

I suppose the thing what my mum tells me that i should remember is 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'.