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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are you ACTIVELY, gorgeously IN LOVE with your DP?

84 replies

runawayquickly · 16/09/2009 22:32

I'm asking the question because I can't work out if I am not in love with DP or if the routine, kids, money worries, work hassles etc have got in the way or if there's genuinely just nothing left. We act like business partners.
I look around and though not as bad as we are, I don't see many friends/contemporaries who are affectionate and loving in a spontaneous way. Am I just unlucky and seeing everything through poo smeared glasses?
What d you think... does he bring loads of joy to your life after 10 years + ?

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 16/09/2009 23:54

That's not to say we haven't had our problems, but definitely all sorted. There wasn't ever a time though when either of us felt like we didn't love the other one. Just life got in the way and we took a while to realise and put things back to 'proper' again. Maybe that's what has happened to you?

Original poster
runawayquickly · 16/09/2009 23:55

Thanks PN
Most of our friends have their own kids of similar ages and I feel like it would be too much. My own parents took kids a few times as i mentioned before but not able to now for health reasons.
It's a good plan though. I think if I have that 'we'll be ok when we get some time together' thought in my head I can stay sane. Not like the day to day rubbish is all there is. Thanks, everyone, going to work towards a me, him and three crates of wine weekend away somehow

OP posts:
Original poster
runawayquickly · 16/09/2009 23:58

SHII
Wise words. So much happened to make us forget why we got together in the first place. God, it was intense when we did. I think we need a breather to give us the luxury of remembering those feelings

OP posts:
howdoo · 17/09/2009 02:15

Yes, mine is wonderful - and he even talks about feelings and stuff! He puts me first, we make each other laugh. I really respect him and I think he respects me. We have been together 11 years.
However, I do realise how lucky I am!
Can you go out for meals or just a walk, and see if you reconnect?

Chocolateteapot · 17/09/2009 03:24

We've been together for 12 years and I do love him to bits, in a different way to when we first got together, but better as we've been through a fair bit over the years and it feels more real than that first flush of romance you get in the beginning. My friend's DH died two weeks ago and her family haven't been around much do I've been with her when the undertaker came and trying to support her and her DD.

It has been the worst couple of weeks I've had for a long time. DH has been truly fantastic and I feel so lucky that he is here and if I've ever forgotten along the way how much I love him I certainly have been reminded.

I think being skint and not getting any time to get away for a break are a combination that put a huge stress on a relationship and you end up getting so sucked into the effort of everyday life that your relationship suffers.

sandcastles · 17/09/2009 03:45

We have just celebrated our 15yr weeding anniversary & have been together for 20 years.

We started this year off very badly, due to lots of things, but I never stopped loving him. In fact, the last few months things have been better than they have been for a long time. It's like we have just met! Can't explain why...maybe because this last year was SO bad & we have come through it stronger & did it together, well, side by side if not together! But it was bloody hard work to keep it going to get through that bad patch, we have never been through anything that bad before.

So yes, I guess this means that I still fancy him & him me. Kissing & all!

plimple · 17/09/2009 06:49

Whenever I compare my lot with others I can feel I have a bum deal. Lots of people are more affectionate, spend more time together, have common interests etc, but they aren't us.
Comparisons never make anyone feel better.
I love my DP of 6 years, I'm still "in love" with him and he's a good and lovely man.
What you have isn't not normal, you've asked a question that invites people who are very much in love to answer. Don't worry about other peoples relationships, see what you can do to improve your own. Time together seems to be what you're missing so be creative with how to arrange that without spending money.
Good luck!

ErikaMaye · 17/09/2009 09:53

My DP is my rock. He was my closest - and only, at times - friend when I had a lot of things to deal with. And although he drives me bonkers at times, I can't imagine being without him. Just seeing his name flash up on the screen of my phone makes my heart flip over He's a good man, and I can totally just be me with him.

Try not to compare what you have to others if you can help it - it will just make you think, "Why isn't mine doing that?" or "Why aren't I doing that?", or something along those lines. Instead try and focus on improving what you have to make yourself happier. Why not have a movie night? Get to Tesco or Asda, and raid their bargin bin (we do this regularly ) - all the films are £2. Even if the film is crappy, you can critise it and laugh about it together.

I hope things start to look up for you soon

Malificence · 17/09/2009 09:56

I am head over heels in love with my hubby - together for 27 years since we were 17.
I've had my moments of wanting to murder him with an icepick of course!

You absolutely can reignite the spark, of course marriages can go stale with kids and careers and the usual family dramas getting in the way.
If you can last until the kids are all grown up and still be "in love", it really is like starting a new life.

weegiemum · 17/09/2009 09:57

Yes I am!

He has been away for 2 nights, as he usually is, through the week. He will be home this evening and I am actually excited about that!!

weegiemum · 17/09/2009 09:58

Oh and we have been together for almost 20 years, married for nearly 15.

ElenorRigby · 17/09/2009 10:05

Yep absolutely love and fancy my DP to bits! We have been through rough times and still are to a lesser extent in our 4 years together. I think if you pull together and work through the difficult stuff it can make you stronger.

lucykate · 17/09/2009 10:07

yes. we've been together for 21 years, married for almost 12. have had lots of ups and downs over that time, in fact, we've had some right humdingers. we will always be together though.

mumof2teenboys · 17/09/2009 10:09

I'm not sure if he brings me 'joy'as such.

He brings me safety, comfort, security, confidence, friendship and team-work.

He is my stability in an unstable world, but I am his. He is my very best friend, we were friends before we were lovers.

We have never laughed at the same things, don't have vaguely similar interests, but we parent in the same way, we enjoy talking to each other (most of the time!) We understand each other, we have worked through so much over the last 10 years.

Oh yes, I still fancy him so much, he has only got to touch me and I melt. We 'fit' so well, sex might not happen as much as it used to (the joys of teens in the house) but when it does, its the best sex I have ever had.

I'm not sure if that means that I am in love with him, but whatever it is, it works for me

Lizzylou · 17/09/2009 10:13

Yes I am very happy with DH, been together 13 years, married for 7yrs.
We have our ups and downs but generally we get on fab.
I was only thinking this morning (after I'd done a v embarrassing song and dance routine in the kitchen to make him and the DS's laugh) how comfortable and secure I am to be myself with him. Yes, still fancy him too.

mollyroger · 17/09/2009 10:21

well, I was reduced to helpless giggles in the kitchen this morning as he tried to use ''fo' chissel''(sp?) without apparent irony

He is like my best mate who I have sex with. It's not hearts and flowers and lurches in the stomach at the thought of seeing him anymore (but we have been together for 17 years!) but it's ruddy good!

charis · 17/09/2009 10:21

I don't think my life revolves around dh as it did at the beginning of the relationship, and I now know all his secrets and weaknesses, but I still love him deeply. We have been together 18 years and married for 14. He has stood by me in good times and bad and has always been on my side. We don't agree about everything but I trust him like gravity.

OrmIrian · 17/09/2009 10:23

Ha ha ha ha...

No

I love him and respect him and I know he is one of the good guys, but am I deeply in love with him? No. Not sure that I ever was in the sense that some people seem to mean.

girlsyearapart · 17/09/2009 10:25

Gets RIGHT on my nerves don;t always like him but always love him and am in love with him. Most of all really fancy him.
Been together 7 years, known each other 11 years married 3 and a half.

MarshaBrady · 17/09/2009 10:28

Yes the relationship is strong, amongst all the trials of being here in London without any family which has tested us a bit we are getting on very well now.

Especially as now I have a new lovely supportive group of friends. I find it easier to be happy in a relationship if my life is good and happy.

Sometimes he irritates me of course, but overall I am very happy to be with him.

NinthWave · 17/09/2009 10:32

I am with mine, definitely. 10 years on Saturday(!). Sadly he says he's not sure he's 'in love' with me any more

He doesn't want to leave, and we are still affectionate/cuddly/have good sex etc. but he says he is missing the 'romance' of a young relationship.

I might show him this thread...

NinthWave · 17/09/2009 10:34

Sould clarify - he does still ove me very much, but feels like there is something missing.

He's just turned 30 - maybe this has something to do with it! (Apologies for slight hijack)

cheesesarnie · 17/09/2009 10:35

been married for almost 10 years.answer is no.

Scorps · 17/09/2009 10:41

8 weeks ago i would have told you all how much i honestly adore every single part of my DH, inside and out. I literally could not think anymore of him (together 6.5 years, married 1.8 years).

Now I don't even know what to think of him.

dizietsma · 17/09/2009 10:44

Been together for 9 years, married for 8. We are still madly, deeply in love We know we're lucky.

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