thought of sex makes my skin crawl - any infallible tips for getting 'in the mood'?

[somethinganything]

Have to shake myself out of this because DH is going to get really pissed off with it. I'm 16 weeks pregnant with DC2 and really, really don't fancy sex although to be honest it's felt like a chore for ages. Feel so guilty writing this and awful about my poor DH - the last time we had sex was 3 weeks ago. Generally manage once a week, which isn't ideal in itself but at the moment my output is quite pathetic.

Can you suggest anything I can do to help me feel more inclined towards it? It's beginning to really upset me and I can feel it coming between DH and me.

it sounds like some of the "stuff" that happened before DH is what is affecting you now.

Its funny ,my consultant actually said that there is often a common link in all the sad or horrible things that happen to you...maybe an actual repetitive incident or a common feeling...Not one of them individually, is enough to throw you over the edge but collectively plus the final one, the final straw that breaks the camels back( so to speak)...that pluges you into feeling low again. Am i making sense or just waffling?

Is it mainly anger and defensive that you feel. Were you always questioned as a child or did you always have to proove yourself to get any praise...Am I grasping at straws.
If you want to talk about the past and you want to open up,i am not here to judge you,just wish i had had someone when i was at your stage. Hopefully speak tomorrow

Not sure if this is same for you but I've found that having children brings a lot of stuff up from one's own childhood, that you thought you had dealt with..I went and got some counselling after having children,about events in my own childhood and life - which in my twenties I thought I was fine with.

I think you see yourself as a child again in your children and then you see your parents in your own position all at the same time (for me anyway) this was quite a shock to me...things from my past were sort of smacking me in the face.

I know that I can be angry, grumpy, moody with my dh, take things out on him, because I'm actually tryign to sort through all of this...which is why I got some counselling. It has helped a lot.

8oreighty ...not sure if it was the actual having of the children...but the sex of my children.I only wanted girls because of what had happened to me in my childhoodDont get me wrong ...i absolutely love my boys to bits but i really wanted girls.. Almost felt violated..IYGWIM

Finally back online briefly:
Alypaly - yes that's spot on re the anger and defensiveness, was always put under a lot of pressure to excel etc Not that I doubt how much I was loved just that there were always strings attached or at least it felt that way at the time. I also realise I have quite silly but very deep-seated beliefs when it comes to men, that somehow I owe them something i.e. if they show any interest in me it's somehow my duty to give them something back. Over the years that's got me into all sorts of relationships and situations I shouldn't have been in.

8oreighty I agree in that I personally am terrified of passing on my own hang-ups to DD. I know that I picked up all sorts of irrational behaviours from my own mother and really don't want to inflict any of that on her. And like you, I definitely take some of these things out on DH - in fact he's been the one to point a lot of it out to me, which is helpful but also quite upsetting at times. Have you found your counselling useful?

somethinganything ........ am i guessing it made you a bit promiscuous ,just looking for affection?
Now unfortunately the one persn that it should be ok with is now taking the brunt of your guilt,lack of self worth.

Sex, or making love has to be a two way thing...if you are not in the mood it is still going to feel like it did in the past...a chore!

you must have had a few relationships that ended in tears when all you were looking for was real affection. Why do we get it wrong and misplace sex for affection...Then when we are older we realise it was misdirected

not exactly promiscuous I don't think (though certainly made a few mistakes!) - although thinking about it, maybe promiscuous is the right word because it's not about numbers but attitude I suppose. The main problem was I went straight from one relationship to another and then didn't get out of them when I should have done - spending months and years with people I didn't want to be with (or want to sleep with) because I felt so guilty all the time. Until the next one came along who I felt I owed something to, and then it was ok to leave

yes you are dead right ,promiscuity is attitude not numbers. What were you looking for in those relationships.Was it something you had missed out on as a child

Only just seen your second message - yes, I think that's right that somehow we think people showing an interest sexually makes us feel needed and loved. I'd love to think I'd left all that behind but suspect the only reason I don't behave like that now is because I love DH, which is of course as it should be but what I mean is it should also come from a sense that you are worth enough not to feel obliged to say yes to whoever comes along and whatever they are offering without it being validated by someone else's love. Not sure if that's clear... bit of a ramble.

And you're right of course that you should have sex because you want to (a 2-way thing), but it's been so long since I wanted to (if I ever did) that it's really hard to imagine feeling like that

Don't know what I was looking for, I guess unconditional - funny, I've never really looked at it like that. Just thought for some reason I felt obliged to get together with anyone who wanted me, no matter whether I felt the same. But perhaps it was because each time I thought they would be the one who'd provide everything I was looking for. Of course instead I just ended up feeling smothered, depressed and physically repulsed by the whole thing. And then guilty for hurting another person.

But it's one thing coming to understand all this and quite another learning how to use that understanding to change your life - I don't see how knowing all this is going to make me feel more like having sex!!

I feel exactly the same...I think the last time BF and i had sex was about 3 months ago. Thankfully he is not demanding ( mind you sometimes i wish he was)and he is always knackerd with his job.
Over the years we have gone 6 months.. believe it or not...but i now think we have just become more good friends than anything else. BTW he doesnt live with me so i often feel like i cant just turn it on like a tap if and when he does stay, and it never ever seems to be spontaneous any more.its so boring

He seems to wait for a lead from me now and it never seems to happen. Am i going wrong too?

sorry, that should read unconditional love...

right - yes, that doesn't sound ideal though I can completely see how the situation with you not living together could make intimacy more tricky. Would spontaneity do it for you? If so, I'm sure there are ways of bringing that back.. . But if it's a more deep-seated thing, as with me, then it may need a bit more work than that. But as you know, I'm no expert!! How long have you been together? Do you have kids together?

If DH is easy to talk to ,tell him about your past.We all have pasts,some that we regret and some that we dont.He will have a past too.
Does he provide everyting that you want or is there that spark missig....romance maybe?

If you can somehow tell him what u were looking for and why u were looking for it when you were younger,maybe he will help you work through this.
Why do we always hurt the ones we love.?.or think we love.Are you possibly hanging on to him and hoping it will all improve because of children.
Why is it so difficult to sort this sex thing out. I used to have a high sex drive but couldnt care less if it ever happens again.

He is easy to talk to but had a very conservative upbringing, religiously speaking and would have difficulty talking much about my past sexual experiences for example. Sometimes he's fine with it but at other times I can tell it really bothers him so I think I will have to tread quite carefully.

I'm certain my future lies with him, I do sometimes have 'fantasies' of being single but I think that's more to do with past regrets than any real concern about he and I. I know that in reality we are really good together, it's just that we've hit a snag physically. I'm really hoping I will be able to be honest with him and work through it together, it just feels like a v big step and I can't see a way to start right now.

In answer to your question - I've no idea why sorting out the sex thing is so hard but suspect it's a lot to do with the way we are bombarded with sex from every direction. It causes a mixture of resentment from those who think everyone else is doing it all the time and they're not getting enough and guilt from those who feel they ought to be enjoying it more cos everyone else apparently is!

I don't think I've ever had a really high sex drive. Although there were times, generally at the very start of relationships, where I felt I really needed/wanted sex but that period was always v short-lived.

just to say about the counselling - yes helps a lot...went to gp after had a really hard year, a few crazy health problems, moved house etc...and started to lose it, so went to see someone the gp referred me to for 6 sessions, she was lovely, but it was always going to only last for 6 sessions, so didn't go in too deep. Then when that fininshed she gave me some names so now I pay £35 to talk to someone once a week, she is interested in getting into my background etc...it is kind of a lot to take on, but I don't want to take any of it out on my kids or dh...really want to deal with it as best I can myself.

Also trying to generally treat myself well, excercise, eat well, spend some time doing something creative that I enjoy - keeping a diary, all helping. Feels like I'm on a bit of a mission to sort things out...

Perhaps just stuff like going out for a meal, or trying to do something enjoyable together for an evening will lead to something steamy? It's hard to force it...I rented one of those erotic films once and was the most embarassed I think I've ever felt sitting there with my dh!

8oreighty - that's really helpful thanks. Am a bit worried myself about the commitment in terms of time and money - but also think that if it works then it would be time/money v well spent. A starter of 6 sessions would be useful.

Very best of luck on your 'journey' sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. Did have a quick cackle about your erotic movie though - I can well imagine...

why is it when a sex is going well in a relationship it is never talked about but when it is going wrong it becomes the be all and end all for men.

LIke the idea of you sitting there with that erotic film ..totally embarassed 8oreighty

Did that for a laugh once in a hotel but i had a same feeling of total revulsion.

it was a lame erotic movie...very un-erotic...made me feel like I was with my parents or something being there with dh watching that. Not right. Maybe full on porn would be better, but then that would just make me feel angry about all sorts of things and we'd probably have a fight...

Thing that was nice about twilight was connecting the love and sex in a romantic way, like reading a jane austen book really. Didn't do a thing for dh...but made me drag him upstairs!

does feel like I'm on some 'journey'...hopefully will manage to keep it together!

Yes, I know very few women who porn does anything for. The power of suggestion seems far more effective for most women I reckon. Just mulling over how delighted my poor DH would be if I dragged him upstairs.

somethinganything... do you reckon your lack of libido goes even deeper than the casual relationships when you were younger. it does sound more complicated.....reading between the lines

quite possibly, I think of them more as the consequence of a 'wrong mindset' that I developed somewhere along the line, which had all sort of other side-effects including depression. Quite honestly, I've no idea what caused it but whatever it was, I'd like to put it right. I'm quite excited by the possibility that we can actually change and abandon beliefs that we've carried around for a long time. Imagine life without all those hang-ups...

Anyway, feels quite extraordinary having this sort of conversation with a complete stranger somewhere in cyberspace. I keep having to remind myself that it's all anonymous otherwise it just feels rather scary posting on a public forum.

Somehow,whether its talking in the ether to me ,a friend ,a counsellor, i believe you will find a common link between what has made you feel realy low now and when you were depressed in the past. Then and only then ,i reckon you will find the common cause of what is making you have such low self esteem and low libido now .
What were the other "side effects".

Personally couselling didnt really work for me as they always answer your questions in such a rigid,prerehearsed manner...ie..what do you think...how will you deal with it..all open questions...never a solution.
The solution is somewhere within you..its just finding it and finding the real route cause. It could be one small thing that you have shut off and dont really want to surface( maybe incase it spoils what you have with DH now) but it preys on your mind and wears you down.

Try and get in touch with childhood things that made you angry( or made you have exaggerated emotions ) or reasons that made you search for affection in the misguided way you say...i think you will start to find a cause there....

Hi there, I'm sure you're right. Have had that feeling for a long time just not really been sure how to get to the bottom of it all. Other side effects, well, anxiety, excessive keenness to please, a few years of anorexia and all the body image craziness that hangs about in its wake, the aforementioned 'promiscuity' or getting trapped in unhelpful relationships. All the 'usual stuff' I guess.

I know what you mean about counselling. I don't have much experience of it but I'd hate to be sat in a room feeling like I know all the tired old clichés that the other person is trying to drag out of me. I'd like them to tell me something I don't know! But there must be really good therapists out there who can do that, right?

excessive keenness to please normally stems from parents not praising or parents being hypercriticalabout schooling ,behaviour,boyfriends...basically anything. It often turns you into a perfectionist( which i became.... i was always looking to please my parents...just for some praise ,a hug or a pat on the back...just some form of emotion) which then makes you put unimagineable pressure on yourself.
Sounds as if you have had a low self worth for a while.The counsellors are taught set patterns of listening and questioning and have what is termed a 'washout' session for themselves to off load what they have heard during their counselling sessions.I am sure some of what they hear must get to them and they will need to purge it from their memory too. But at no time do they offer a solution or an answer...they get you to solve your own problems ..... to become your own therapist .
I have been to quie a few cousellors over the years. They all differ slightly, i have had private and NHS but none tell you what you want to hear because they dont really know what is going on in your head. And the other really annoying thing is that i was so aware of all of them watching a clock, which is carefully positioned so that they can glance at it without you noticing and they also wear their watches at a peculiar angle so that time watching is discreet. It all felt so manufactured to me.
I ended up watching their body language and little idiosyncrasies rather than just spouting off about my problems.
How can you cry or have emotions to order at a set time for each session. You really have to be in the right frame of mind to oofload and it often doesnt coincide with the half hours time slot.