thought of sex makes my skin crawl - any infallible tips for getting 'in the mood'?

[somethinganything]

Have to shake myself out of this because DH is going to get really pissed off with it. I'm 16 weeks pregnant with DC2 and really, really don't fancy sex although to be honest it's felt like a chore for ages. Feel so guilty writing this and awful about my poor DH - the last time we had sex was 3 weeks ago. Generally manage once a week, which isn't ideal in itself but at the moment my output is quite pathetic.

Can you suggest anything I can do to help me feel more inclined towards it? It's beginning to really upset me and I can feel it coming between DH and me.

Communication is the key whether you have it to (and please him) or not have it. Either way, one of you could feel bitter or frustrated in the longer term. You are more likely to find a solution if you talk about it. You have already showed a lot of empathy by seeing his point of view. If he is also aware of how you feel and is equally selfless then maybe you will find the right solution between you. But do go ahead and speak to him about it.

somethinganything - this is the key to moving forward.

"I think if I explained to him how much of a problem it really was for me it would really upset him. He already feels rejected and often says he thinks I just don't fancy him."

He clearly already senses that something is wrong so talking openly and honestly will not make it worse. He is not psychic and so he has asusmed that you just do not fancy him or love him anymore. He needs to understand that is not the case.

This sounds as if it has been going on for a fairly long time (from before the pregnancy) and if you really want to tackle it you need to figure out if it is health/hormonal reasons or psychological. It is clear you cannot carry on like this though. Explaining to DH what is happening to you, that you still love him and that for both of your sakes you are going to try you best to find out and deal with it is the way to go. It will clear the air a lot. I would suggest seeing a GP first and then maybe looking at relationship counselling afterwards.

Seconds what ABetaDad says.

I have little to add except to say don't let it get to here:

well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage/?apage=1#comments

This is a MAJOR problem that will be satisfactory to anyone (or at least him).

bit much to suggest going to a gp because you dont' feel like having sex when you're pregnant?!!

everyone feels like this sometimes, my dh does...it goes through phases, when you are under pressure you just sometimes feel like being alone...

I think the more you worry the worse it will get...

never suggested you should "lay back and think of twilight" but that it might rekindle some lusty feelings in you...

Have to agree with suggesting GP being a bit OTT.

As I said, perfectly reasonable not to feel like sex when pregnant. I do think more honesty is needed however. I also think that if the focus of OP's sex life is all her husbands needs and not her own then relationship counselling would not be a bad idea.

Quite apart from anything else, if hubby can't cope with a wee bit of abstinence prenatally, then he's going to find the postnatal period pretty rough! Either that or OP will be exhausted with a newborn, but still trying to jolly herself along "for his sake". I think that kind of focus on his pleasure and happiness at the expense of hers belongs in the 1950's, quite frankly.

Just to clarify. I only suggested going to a GP and then relationship counselling afer that because the OP said it had 'felt like a chore for ages'. This suggested it had been going on for some time before the pregnancy and hence perhaps a long standing and deep seated problem.

Of course if it has only just happened since the pregnancy happened then no of course not that would be premature and indeed it might well right itself at some point during the pregancy. Whatever the case, the OP does need to talk to her DH as I said before.

Sorry to disappear off again for ages. Was away all yesterday.

Appreciate all your feedback v much.

Dizietsma Understand what you're gettting at but think perhaps I've painted an unfair picture of DH. He's by no means a sexual tyrant - he's been pretty understanding about the whole thing I can just sense that it's getting him down and what with me also feeling really guilty about it, it's becoming a problem. Re lying back and thinking of England - I can see how it sounds and it's obviously not always the solution but sometimes one does just get out of the habit and in a long-term relationship I do thing you just have to make the effort at times. for that reason I think suggestions for getting back in the mood as per 8oreighty's posts are actually pretty valuable at times. However, I also agree that if it's always like that then there's a problem as I suspect there is in my case.

Betadad - v constructive feedback, thank you. Could visit GP but somehow can't face it sitting there on my NHS records forever. Realise that probably sounds ridiculous but I just don't really want to share that kind of info with my GP. thought I might be able to find someone online who could go and see and just sort of talk it through with. I'm sure talking it through with DH would also be a good thing, I just feel like it sounds so lame and keep putting it off.

wetsuiteone will check out link at lunch break!!

is it just the pregnancy that has put you off or does it go deeper than that?

been up and down over the years but certainly not exclusively during pregnancy - it was an issue during DD's first year and I think DH has always had a higher sex drive than me. Was fine for the few months we were TTC. But to be honest I've never exactly relished the prospect, which makes me think perhaps I have a problem in this area

well do you still fancy him?

I find him physically attractive but I don't want to sleep with him. So I reckon it's a problem with sex rather than him - I don't walk around lusting after other people for example

somethinganything - I tend to agree you may have psychological issues and therefore counselling may be the best route. However, there is a danger in that you may be actually suffering from a physical/physiological problem that no amount of counselling will cure.

My own experience of suffering from a low libido for several years was that I was actually quite physically ill but not actually realsing it. If I had gone to counselling it would have done no good and just delayed the medical diagnosis and treatment I really needed.

Seeing your GP would only be to eliminate the possibility of a physcial/physiological problem before counselling. I do think you should persuade DH to come with you if you go for counselling - this is joint problem that affects both of you and you are right in recognising how 'down' he is feeling. That said, you need though to acknonwledge more your own guilty feelings, your emotions and your own needs far more than you are.

I wish you and DH well as this is something that I know from bitter personal experience is a difficult situation for both of you.

BetaDad to be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that it oculd be a physical thing. So take your point about the GP in that case - if you don't mind me asking, was your health problem easily resolved and do you now feel you've put it all behind you?

I had a serious gall bladder codition that crept upon me over a number of years. It affected my blood sugar levels and I could not walk in the end. As you can imagine feeling exhausted all the time had a pretty severe impact on my desire and actual ability to have sex. It also knocked my confidence badly. I avoided sex in the end if I could. Physical conditions such as a diabetes, thyroid problems as well as other hormonal problems, anaemia, low blood pressure and many other things can all affect libido.

However, I turned a corner when I decided I wanted to do something about it for my DW. I went to my GP and go the tests done to find out what was wrong with me. I had the treatment (gall bladder removal) and started a long road back to physical health (about 18 months) but it has taken me longer, until really very recently to be confident about sex again.

I explained to DW how I felt and while I was being treated for my physical illness decided I would try and restore as much physical intimacy with DW as I could. Like you, I felt that it was not fair to force her into celibacy. It was not easy but I found that asking DW not to touch me on certain parts of my body but let me touch her was a big help. We also agreed to avoided penetrative sex for a while. That way I was in control but could concentrate on her enjoyment without feeling under pressure myself to perform. After a while, I began to enjoy the closeness again and taking things slowly gradually it got better and better. I am very happy now but feel very guilty (like you do) about what DW had to go through. Talking to her since, it has become clear to me just how unhappy she was even though she never put pressure on me at the time.

I am always touched by stories like yours because of my own experiences and I have to say coming to MN was the catalyst for sorting out my own problems. Hope you can too.

Thanks v much for explaining all that - it's really helpful. and has made me think it might be worth trying the GP first as well. Energy levels are a bit rubbish, keep getting hypoglycaemic this pregnancy and I do have low blood pressure so worth checking out it all out I guess.

REally glad you managed to work through it - sounds as if it was quite a long process, which must have been difficult to commit to at times.

Just one final question (honest!) - re the therapy, part of the reason I wanted to go alone (apart from the practical aspect of it - DH works v long hours and is rarely back before 8 or 9) is that I'd like to get a few things off my chest that I don't think I'd feel comfortable saying in front of him. I'd be happy for him to come along further down the line if he was up for it but I just would like to explain my feelings to an objective person first without him having to listen to a lot of stuff that will probably be quite hurtful. Is that feasible or do they generally insist that these things are done together from the start? (Sorry, am asking this as if you've got experience of counselling and I know you didn't go down that route but you may have some insight?)

Im so glad someone asked this - Im fourteen weeks and haven't had sex since I got pregnant. Also feel like there's not a hope in hell for now at least. DH hasn't mentioned it, but he has been out a lot.....

mmmmm.....christian bale..... drools

christian bale (when he weighs more than 7 stone) does it for me...

I didn't have sex for probably 6 months after I had twins...tried once and cried when he touched my c-section scar...

it was brokeback mountain that did it in the end.

But somethinganything this does sound deeper, counsellign just for you could be a good start...and helpful anyway, even if it doesn't solve the sex thing immediately. You could just go to your gp and say you are feeling down and want to see a counsellor...

lostlenore and 8oreighty - it is weirdly reassuring to know that other people have been through similar things - and come out the other side in most cases. I think having kids does have a lot to do with it even if I do have other stuff to sort out. It's partly just prioritising what you put your energy towards and sex often ends up v low down on the list

especially when you're feeling like you've given everything you've got, which you're bound to if you're pregnant and exhausted!

don't worry...you sound so sane about it all...and your marriage, will hopefully last a very long time, so this will just be a blip...

thanks so much - I am sure we'll weather it, there's a lot of love there. I'm just not looking forward to the few awkward conversations that are going to be inevitable I guess. And if all else fails, theres always Twilight and Christian Bale...

somethinganything - if you are getting hypoglaecemic and low blood pressure (yes had that too) you need to see a GP anyway. No wonder you are struggling.

On the counseling. I did not go down that route but I believe that at Relate they do separate sessions to begin with and then later on bring the parties back together. I think you can shape the therapy as you wish. What I meant by 'together' was not necessarily in the same room all the time with the consellor but certainly going through the process together. Otherwise it will be a theoretical excercise for DH and hard for him to engage with.

I agree with 8oreighty, I am sure your GP will be able to help you access both the conselling as well as any medical treatment.

BetaDad - great, thank you. that's v helpful.

somethinganything ...been reading your posts with interest.
I have had alot of counselling over the years for depression which did manifest itself with lack of libido,insomnia,tireness,lack of interest..the list is endless.....
You say there are things that you want to 'get off your chest'..to discuss without your DH in the room as they may be hurtful. Are they to do with your past,b4 your DH or things to do with your current relationship, or are they too personal?

My ex used to work long hours like your DH and i have to admit, not having quality time with him really used to upset me.

alypaly - all sounds v familiar

I was on anti-depressants for about 6 years (the first half of my twenties basically) - I did also have a bit of counselling in that time (cognitive behavioural therapy) but nothing that I feel made a huge impact. Having said that, I've been off ADs for four years now and feel better than I ever have I think. I don't think I'm depressed. I look forward to things and can actually concentrate on reading (I love reading and the only thing that ever made me aware I was depressed was that I literally couldn't concentrate for more than a couple of lines). Having said that, I'm aware that I'm someone who has to 'work quite hard' at my frame of mind. I just try really hard to condition myself to think positively now and feel enthusiastic about each day etc.

Re stuff to get off my chest - I mostly mean from before DH. I know of course that we're all formed by our experiences but you can understand things on one level and still not be able to deal with them rationally. I guess I just want someone impartial to identify why I'm feeling angry/defensive/whatever the particular emotion happens to be and help me work out a way around it, or through it. I can imagine it's difficult to do that with your other half listening to every word because it could just end up coming up in future, long after you'd like to have put it to bed so to speak.

For the most part, I don't think I do resent DH's long hours. There are times when I do, of course, but in general, I'm quite happy to have a few evenings to myself each week and we do enjoy each other's company a lot when we are together.

Blimey, I have gone on. Don't feel obliged to wade through all that! Heading off to bed now.