Feel useless

[depressedashell]

My partner of 12 years and I are hating each other at the moment and probably will end up splitting.
My ds 9 got upset at the suggestion but more or less said he would rather live with his dad.
His dad works long hours, so he doesn't get to see him that often. I'm hoping this is just a case of abscene making the heart grow fonder but all the same I am exhausted and devastated with my only child telling me he would rather live with his father and visit me!
I have been crying all day and feel sick, I must be a crap mum.

I have just read my atrocious spelling through the snot and tears, so add crap speller to that list.

Don't know what to say babe but didn't want you sitting there on your own.
Your son is probably just hurting and lashing out at the one he loves that he knows will forgive him. Perhaps deep down he thinks it's all his fault and it would give you a break if he wasn't there? I don't have any experience of this, I expect someone will be along in a minute that can offer you some better advice, but hang in there hun. You are not a crap mum or you wouldn't be here asking for help.

I'm sure it is absence making the heart grown fonder. He will feel more secure with you and probably be less concerned about being around you, due to that. I hope it works out for you somehow.

I hope you don't feel this is irrelevant to your situation, but I recall reading an interview with John Simpson (TV journalist).

He said that when his parents separated he was asked (as children were in those days) who he'd like to live with and he answered his father as his sibling had already chosen their mother and he felt sorry for his dad.

He hardly ever saw her after that, which is desperately sad, but the point is maybe your DS feels some sort of pity for his dad, rather than it being a reflection of his feelings towards you (which are likely to be pretty primal), or your abilities as a mother.

I hope this makes sense.

Could you find the strength to have a conversation with him about it?

Really dont know what to say here, but didnt want to read and run.... Dont boys have "alot more in common" with their dads than they think at this age??!! Young boys/girls have no idea what they want at this age, i am certain that the courts would not allow your son to make this decsion on his own. They reguard children 14+ to make such big decsions, and would not accept that a 9 year old would or does understand the implications on their decsion. I definatley would not take it personally, as bad as you may feel. Its such a hard one isnt it. Good luck. xxxxx

May i add...if it EVER did go to court, a childs best intrest is with their mother. Full stop end of story, whether they "think" so or not xx

Very good point OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper