Anyone else have an grown-up DD with Aspergers DD? How do you cope?

[Goshitsaman]

DD is in her 20's, has a degree and is in full-time work. Having DD living at home is like sharing the house with a lodger: a lodger you don't get on with very well! On a typical weekday we might be in the same room for 15 minutes at breakfast and another 15 minutes at tea time and that is the extent of the social interaction that takes place unless DW or I go to DD's room to initiate it.

DD never makes any gesture of affection towards us, although she does towards her long-term boyfriend, she never starts a conversation and doesn't appear to notice that our entire daily routine is based around her convenience.

It is really starting to grind us down mainly because any attempt to resolve or even talk about issues results in tears and sulking by DD.

Any ideas or practical tips?

She doesn't do those things because she is not wired to. It is simply part of her condition and not a rejection of you.

My son is nearly 13 and has ASD. All affection is on his terms and all communication is provoked by us.

She will struggle if you try to discuss this because you are asking her to confront something she does not understand and will find very difficult.

Have you read Luke Jacksons book 'Freaks Geeks and Aspergers' . I know he was mucjh younger when he wrote it but it still helps give a better perspective of living with somone with aspergers.

May I ask - how long have you know she has ASD? Have you managed to get much help and support to understand why she reacts in this way? Is it increasing? My DS2 becomes more reclusive the more stressed and over stimulated he feels - is she struggling after having to cope with social contact all day at work?

Think we might need more info here. Why is DD living at home - is it a conscious choice on her part or something that she just drifted into after college? How would she react if you suggested she move out/in with boyfriend? I don't understand why you say your entire routine is based around her convenience if you only see her for half an hour total? If your routine IS altered to suit her, why is that? What would happen - apart from sulking and a tantrum - if you changed it? Appreciate that as she has Aspergers the fall-out may be greater/different than otherwise but still struggling to see how you have arrived at this situation.

We would be very happy for DD to move out and have gently encouraged this for a couple of years. She stays over in boyfriends house every weekend so we don't see her from 8:30AM Saturday until 7PM on Sunday. Any attempts to have weekend family outings with or without BF are always rejected, so we go on our own.

As an example of routine. We have always liked our main meal at 1PM but when DD was younger we had it a 5PM in term time, partly because DD refused to have school dinners. She now gets home from work at 5:45 so we eat just after then 5 days a week because "there is never anything I like on the canteen menu". She manages pub meals with boyfriend with no trouble.

I think we have allowed things to drift into the current unsatisfactory state because we have tried to avoid upsetting her.

You didn't answer any of my questions...

Her avoiding the cafeteria sounds as if she is avoiding stressful noisy areas.
She may be able to manage with her boyfriend for a whole host of reasons.
My DS can tolerate situations with me that he could not cope with were his dad with him. More bizarrely he cope with my father taking him out when my dad was really loud which normally freaks DS2 out.

You sound resentful and annoyed that she can do things with her bf - as if she is playing you around at home. Is that what you think is going on?

If you don't want to eat at 5.45 then just explain to her that she will have to make herself something to eat when she gets in.

Why does she get upset when you talk with her - has she been able to explain. MY DS hates conflict and cannot tolerate the eye contact that any 'discussion' requires.

I want to try and suggest things but I don't really understand what is going on from your OP and subsequent posting tbh - except that you sound annoyed with her

BTW - your name is diconcerting as it reads to me as Go Shits A Man

I thougth that to Pag!

Don't have any experience of this OP, but the book recommended above sounds a good bet and would prob help you feel less resentful.

May I ask - how long have you know she has ASD? Have you managed to get much help and support to understand why she reacts in this way? Is it increasing? My DS2 becomes more reclusive the more stressed and over stimulated he feels - is she struggling after having to cope with social contact all day at work?

Her formal diagnosis was at the start of year 7.

No help has been offered except what we found for ourselves on the WWW.

Overall it is probably slightly better than it was, certainly its not increasing. Sometimes you would hardly know there was an issue but sometimes any change is very difficult to make.

You sound resentful and annoyed that she can do things with her bf - as if she is playing you around at home. Is that what you think is going on?

I think the difference between how she is with her boyfriend and how she is with us is sufficiently large to make us wonder if she sometimes chooses to be difficult.

Goahitsaman - No real advice except ... sympathy re. lack of help.

Various friends have dc on varying places on the spectrum. I've noticed that those who have found their way into the various help on offer (and family therapy seems to be a really useful thing) have found things a lot easier than those who haven't.

I think it has a lot to do with having things explained and described; what to expect, why this might be happening, how to deal with it; for the child and the other family members.

Which I'm sure you've guessed, and that's why you're posting here. But just to say that there is a reason you're finding it difficult but info. will surely help.

Hope it comes you're way.

Hi Goshitsaman
I wrote a long response to your message and the website crashed and I lost it all. Unfortunately I don't have time to retype it all now, but I will try to later. As a first step it might help to read the other Asperger's thread in Relationships - it's about living with a partner with Asperger's, but many of the situations are similar and the advice on that thread is very helpful in understanding why people with Asperger's behave they way they do.
Hopefully I will get back to you later because I have been there with the mealtimes!

It is normal for a woman in her twenties to not want to go out on family outings . Most 20 year olds treat the family home like a hotel and rarely eat a meal with their parents. She sounds like a typical 20 year old, my brother has the same issue with his 18 year old niece and she doesn't have AS.