Handling daily contact with someone who has it in for you

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

I wondered if anyone might know a way properly to handle this type of situation...I'm not sure whether to call it bullying, as such, but it's definitey very uncomfortable and keeping me up at night.

It's the head at ds's school.

Basically I have to see this person most days if only briefly. I've had enough contact with her over the last year to be aware (I am almost certain) that she operates by intimidation and implication. That is, she will make underhand remarks, subtle attacks, imply that you are 'one to watch' and a threat to the school system, infer things that are not true (later admitted in person but not on paper) and will continually try to approach me in order to make what appear at first to be 'friendly' comments, but which are anything but.

I have managed it today by responding with a set smile and a 'mmm' or a 'oh, mm!' to her attempts to speak to me. I don't know what else to do.

Our last meeting in the summer term was a farce, following a written exchange (I tried to keep everything in writing) during which she accused me of a suspicious pattern of absence regarding ds, which I refuted as above. It ended with her comment 'well we'll just keep an eye on him/it next year' which was, coming from this woman, practically a threat.

She is angling for some other issue to attack me with. I probably sound like a paranoid loon but most of the parents I've spoken to actively dislike her, my mother has met her and finds her obnoxious too.
Any suggestions much appreciated - ds likes his new teacher, but I am struggling to go there twice a day because the HT will be lurking in the playground and seek me out.

Help

past, not pact.

I am nicking a good quote here

but "no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission"

or summat like that, have plagiarised it slightly, but you get the point

Thanks AF

it#s me FA btw (ooh just realised about our names! spooooky)

< wracks brains >

FA ? Sorry, you got me there

I know you are a namechanger, cos I noticed the other day and made a mental note that has obviously gone in one ear and straight out the other

It wasn't you who turned up on the first day with the "Down with Key Stage One" t-shirt or similar, was it?

< penny drops >

I have remembered !!

< waves at FA >

I disagree with the people who are saying to act dismissive and superior to her. If she genuinely has it in for you, that is going to get her back up more than anything else and if you think she is inclined to make life difficult for you then if you treat her with contempt then you are encouraging that, rather than defusing it, and sinking to her perceived level.

I would be polite, but constantly on your way to something - invent an appointment you and your DC have directly after school everyday if necessary and practise saying "I'm really sorry, but we need to be at [wherever] at 4PM so I have to run. If you think we need to catch up do you want to schedule something?". Then if she is just hovering to intimidate you the ball is in her court, but you're not dismissing her entirely and if there is something specific she wants to raise you are giving her the opportunity to do so in a more formal setting. You are a parent, she is a headmistress, equate it to a business relationship and act accordingly, it will give her much less opportunity to employ these playground tactics.

I don't think you are being paranoid. There is a certain sort of perso who seems to thrive in the higher echelons of education. I should know, I've encounted a few of them. You could try looking at the TES forums for help from teachers who have encountered similar types.

In the meantime, be prepared. This worked for me with a colleague who behaved in a similar manner. Get a cheap recording device, my MP3 player had a microphone on it. Then whenever she approaches you, hold up your hand in a 'STOP' motion, get out your recorder and say "I hope you don't mind, we always seem to misunderstand each other" and smile sweetly. If she makes a huge fuss, tell her your solictor suggested it. Refuse to engage with her without the recorder.

In the meantime, google Narcissic Personality Disorder.

She sounds absolutely awful.

Use notebooks during meetings. Print and save every mail. Make a record of everything she does and says to you, and everything you have said to her.

Contemporaneous notes have court value, not that this is going to court but it's worth it anyway.

All this will help you maintain the high ground with some aplomb and complacency, and will make you feel more secure and confident in your dealings with her.

Oh, dear. I think being rude to the Head, let alone recording her, are guaranteed to make your life even more uncomfortable. And you don't want that, do you? You want your ds to be happy there.

Can't you just try, really try, to be enthusiastic? Keep ds2 off the climbing frame, if that's a rule, SMILE at the Head if she passes, and don't indulge in a slag-fest of the Head with the other parents. The latter will only wind you up further and no doubt come to the Head's ears.

As I said, surely the main aim is for your ds to be happy and to thrive at school. You are in danger of sabotaging this if you continue to lock horns with the Head.

HBC I feel your pain.

If it's any comfort, you will probably not be the only person in school, either parent, teacher or child, that she has it in for!

Just come in as soon as the bell rings (not before) stick your head down and walk briskly to ds's classroom. Then go out the side way- if there is one. whatever you do, do it quickly, purposefully, rush rush rush. Then she'll find some other poor sod to nobble.

Bit like a lioness with a herd of wildebeest (sp?)..don't be the limpy one at the back

I think you might be projecting a little here as well. She sounds like she rules the place with a rod of iron, but that in itself isn't a bad sort of way to manage a school (or anything else for that matter). She also obviously has little in the way of social skills. But she can't actually do anything to jeopardise your son's education (although you can of course).

And I suspect that although a lot of other parent don't like her, they maybe don't really think as badly of her as you think - I think that's your paranoia talking - and whenever another parent says 'she's a one' or whatever you interpret that as them thinking she's a total bully out to make your life a misery.

TBH if she knows about your sligthly anti-school stance she probably is rather wary of you, in that she doesn't think you'll support his education at home. You can either smile sweetly at her if she wanders over using various techniques others have described, or you can go totally the opposite way - 'Oh I'm so glad you're here Mrs Head, I've been concerned about little Johnny's reading/writing/'rithmatic and wonderered if you had any thoughts on what we can do at home - you know I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot last year, but it is nice that you're taking such an interest in my son.'

Or just talk constantly about what little Johhny had to eat/watched on tv/read/played with/said last night - one amusing anecdote after another - she'll soon get bored fo you

How old is your DS? Could you drop him off at the gate and let him go in by himself? She sounds as though she is on a power trip tbh, so you need to find a way of not letting her get to you (literally, as well as metaphorically!)

Thanks for all the suggestions. I have a lot of angles to consider. Managed to avoid her this am but my heart just sank when I saw her.

Ticthy I just want to respond to your assumption that I'm taking vague comments as meaning more than they ought - no, I've been told specific stories about personal victimisation of another parent by this HT - and the person who told me started the conversation without prior knowledge of my feelings towards the head.

I wonder if she does see me as the type not to encourage school type thinking at home, putting in time with reading etc - I'd say I'm not against it but I am much more lenient than probably she would like. He is only just 6 and I don't want to push his literacy as per Steve Biddulph and numerous other writers who think pushing boys to write/read early is counterproductive. So I will do it with him but not push it iyswim.

I'm determined she shan't spoil his school life by picking on me. I just hate her and wish she'd leave me alone! My friend is constantly at least 10 minutes late every day (literally almost every single day) It's bizarre but she has issues. She also ran the PTA 2 years ago and therefore receives no requests for 'meetings' about it, as she ahs shown herself to be pro-school despite these issues.

I am going wrong somewhere.

Bramshott, he's just 6 so prob not an option at this stage but will asap

I think I need to become 'useful' to ehr so that she cannot afford to be hideous to me.

That would do the trick I think.

Maybe your friend is 10 minutes late just to avoid the headteacher?!?!

Maybe she thinks there is some other reason for the abscences than what you are telling her and is concerned for your ds? She probably does want you to think she is watching you so you are more inclined to make sure your ds goes to school?

Just a thought.

tape-recording her ? mentioning solicitors ?

slug, that is mad

if this HT has an off-the-mark opinion of Helena already, pulling that kinda stunt is gonna confirm it all the more

Helena, keep it on the low and take some of the more low-key advice, love

It is very odd that she comes to you every day. Even if she has major issues with you, this would only need to be addressed occasionally.

Can you cling to a friend until it's time to go, so she doesn't get you on your own?

How about joining the PTA (through gritted teeth) and then you can't be accused of being anti school?

Lol Bramshott.

Claire, that is rather worrying.
If she thinks that despite several clear letters explaining each absence then I really do think she is batty. If there were 'other reasons' I would have taken him out long since anyway.

I wonder if the last school told her 'things' about us. It certainly all went very wrong there but I didn't bother to fight, I just gave in - it was an extremely stressful time, basically we were doing half days and so on until Easter, when he was still getting exhausted and I decided to HE for a term - I was prepared to pull him out entirely, wrote the letter etc, but they said 'No no, you must come back in the autumn, that's fine, we'll keep his place, don't be a stranger'.
Great, I thought (he wasn't even 5 by this point) and we then found another place to rent (we'd been looking for a year or more) and got on with the stressful business of moving - fitting in a little education at the same time (not much admittedly! But he wasn't legally school age anyway)
It was during this process that they suddenly got in a stand-in head as the original one went on secondment. Immediately meetings were demanded and scheduled in which I was faced with about 5 teachers/senco/head etc and had very little input - a plan was needed, they said, if he was to reintegrate in the autumn.
They devised a series of days on which he was supposed to attend at the end of the summer term, rising back to full time by the end of July. We were in the middle of moving, everything was chaos, he was highly stressed already due to this - and I felt we had no choice but to do what they said, so I took him in for an afternoon as required - the next session he fell asleep in the car on the way. So we went home. He was still having his naps at that stage and it just cut right through everything he was clinging to during the move.

By this point I was so fed up with being spoken to in THE most patronising, horrible, suspicious way by her that I defaulted to let ehr know he had fallen asleep, and just gave up completely as they knew I would. This is going to sound even more paranoid but I do believe the new HT didn't want us there - she didn't approve of the HE thing and basically probably considered us as not being committed to the school - which was actually rubbish as we were only following the original agreement (never got in writing sadly). i think she wanted us out. Eventually I ahd a call threatening educational welfare and had to go in and renounce the place, and write letters to alla nd sundry saying we were withdrawing him (like we originally offered to do). I met with the LEA chap who was brilliant and understood perfectly. He had no concerns at all.
He also, interestingly, brought ds's record of attendance, on which they had marked him as 'illness' every day he had been absent. It ought to have been AA or authorised absence, or Educated otherwise etc.

My feeling is they screwed up completely re the register, and wanted to cover themselves so we got the bullet.

I hope that makes sense and you can see where they may have made us look terrible to the new school. I admit giving up and not informing them we were stopping the sessions was a bad move but I felt completely bulldozed and had no strength left for that kindof nonsense.
Things are much more stable now.

Sorry veyr long!!

AnyFucker, it may seem madness, but believe me, I once encountered someone like that and I damn near had my career ruined before I adopted that tactic.

Slug - I like your approach, and can fully understand how appropriate it was at the time for you.

I'm not sure which tactic I'm using myself, yet...I just wish she would stop being so bloody 'nice' to me!!! It makes me worried...