Handling daily contact with someone who has it in for you

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

I wondered if anyone might know a way properly to handle this type of situation...I'm not sure whether to call it bullying, as such, but it's definitey very uncomfortable and keeping me up at night.

It's the head at ds's school.

Basically I have to see this person most days if only briefly. I've had enough contact with her over the last year to be aware (I am almost certain) that she operates by intimidation and implication. That is, she will make underhand remarks, subtle attacks, imply that you are 'one to watch' and a threat to the school system, infer things that are not true (later admitted in person but not on paper) and will continually try to approach me in order to make what appear at first to be 'friendly' comments, but which are anything but.

I have managed it today by responding with a set smile and a 'mmm' or a 'oh, mm!' to her attempts to speak to me. I don't know what else to do.

Our last meeting in the summer term was a farce, following a written exchange (I tried to keep everything in writing) during which she accused me of a suspicious pattern of absence regarding ds, which I refuted as above. It ended with her comment 'well we'll just keep an eye on him/it next year' which was, coming from this woman, practically a threat.

She is angling for some other issue to attack me with. I probably sound like a paranoid loon but most of the parents I've spoken to actively dislike her, my mother has met her and finds her obnoxious too.
Any suggestions much appreciated - ds likes his new teacher, but I am struggling to go there twice a day because the HT will be lurking in the playground and seek me out.

Help

Fizzy - thanks, I'm grateful to be understood by those who've experienced it! I know it sounds daft if you haven't.

What happened in the end with yours?

Sorry Helena but how can she discredit you and who would listen? And by threaten the place is that because of his absences? At worst you would be fined, surely?

look, she cannot throw your child out of the school

there would have to be a very serious incident for her to be in a position to do that

I don't think you're being paranoid, but I do think you are letting her off too easily. Walk away either by saying smething or just walk GO, she can't actually do anything to you. Make sure you make a note of any absences and anything she says which makes you feel uncomfortable. She's sounds very odd.

If she is doing her job as Head well, and it is just her personality and manner that is upsetting to you I don't think you can do anything unless you want to have it out with her.

But she should be answerable to The Governors if it was to do with her skill as a Head.

You might be right Cybil but it doesn't feel like that. She's already accused me falsely (and admitted such) of keeping him off 'suspiciously'. She knows I left the first school voluntarily under extreme pressure from the new head, who didn't like the existing arrangement - they didn't chuck us out, they made impossible to fulfill criteria I could not meet. I felt so unwelcome as well, that I just gave in without a fight - a decision I regret now.

I wish I understood what she was after, then maybe I could sort it out. I know I can't change er, only the way I handle it.

And I don't really like the idea of being fined!!! Or the stigma that would go with that...it would be horrific.

Being accused of something, well, not nice - but falsely accused and being on guard in case she does it again, is just awful.

Helena - it really sounds as though it is you that has the problems with schools, their rules and how they operate.

Sorry, not trying to be unkind but the fact you felt the same way about the other head mistress is a bit odd. It does make it sound as though you have a bit of a persecution complex.

Fair enough Nancy. But I don't. It upsets me to be bullied - even if she has no real power to do anything, she can certainly make life very uncomfortable for me in the interim. I think that's what she's doing.

If I'm being paranoid, so are half the other parents I've spoken to. This time, anyway...

have the meetings especially if you dont understand what she is after but insist that they are requested in writing and gives enough notice for you to arrange to have someone with you to support you.

You dont say why ds is off so much - is it possible that you could get a gp letter to support the reason for his absence? When you go to the meetings do you come away with an agreed plan? If you do agree to a plan make sure it is written down and everyone has a copy (schools responsibility). If you aren't coming away with agreements about how ds issues (I'm making the assumption there is some) are handled / resolved you should be.

This has the advantage of you being able to produce this at any subsequent meetings to refer back to and refute any aspersions.

But she can't 'take the place away' can she? If takes a lot to exclude someone from school. It can't be done on a HT's whim.

Here'sa nice psychological trick - wear sunglasses and lipgloss. It gives you the advantage because you can read her face eand she cannot read yours. Smile and nod. Interrupt her midflow and 'answer' your phone. Crane your neck around looking for your ds2 - over her shoulder. Murmur "excuse me a moment" and wander off to talk to someone else - and don't come back or apologise.

All of this subtly (and not so subtly) says "Yes, yes dear. That's lovely. Off you fuck toddle."

Of course it sounds paranoid: that's what these people want others to believe of you!

Ask for an e-mail address and continue following everything up in writing.

If she makes an accusation, put the ball back in her court by saying "what makes you think (repeated accusation)?"

Also do make your polite excuses and retrieve DS2 from the climbing frame. When If () DS2 makes a fuss, tell her you'd be happy for her to e-mail you or send a note home with DS.

Not only must it be very upsetting for you, but it must also be very frustrating for other teachers that a parent who actually seems very willing to engage is being treated in this way

lovin' that colditz

< makes mental note >

I do admit to having a problem with the concept of school, BUT...and this is a big but...I counter that issue consciously.

I know I think that way, I know also that I want ds to be there if he likes it - and I act accordingly. I do everything right except - well I don't know what it is I do wrong.

I've been very careful to do everything right this year. Ringing up every day of absence, sending money and forms in on time, etc etc. I don't think it is about that, though I see why you would think that obviously. I've given her no reason to act this way.

what colditz said - exactly right!

And yawn when she's talking to you.

Look at her with a pitying smile on your face.

Sigh and look at your watch.

X posts again! Some great dieas, thankyou for the support. Colditz, excellent - I just got my first pair of sunnies so will take them tomorrow.

Nellie thankyou. I hope we will have fewer absences this year. Hope!! touch wood.
That's a good post and useful if we do run into actual issues. Like the word 'aspersions'

Notplaying, thankyou too.
It's definitely helpful to be believed on here. Much as I've got corroboration for my feelings at school, i'm not close friends with many of the parents and my best friend (who suffered her fair share of disagreements with the woman) has emigrated for a year so feel a bit lost.

I feel a bit better now and more able to face tomorrow.

Thanks everyone.

I like Colditz's advice, find ways to handle the situation and which diffuse it for you.

I do think its worth trying to avoid over-analysing her behaviour if you can (I have a tendancy do this myself so know where you are coming from) and work on developing a thicker skin.

With people who make me feel very uneasy I try to imagine a large velvet cloak which I wrap around myself as a protective barrier. Over the years I have practiced this, as well as my "fuck off" expression and it has generally served me quite well.

That's a nice idea. I am a bit worried about using my f*ck off look on her though. It almost seems the more I dismiss her with my body language or breeziness, the harder she tries. Whether there is a limit and she'll give up is anyone's guess. She doesn't seem the type to lose graciously iygwim.

Maybe just limit it to the sunnies and "cloak" then....
That said, my haughty expression is quite subtle I think, but it does manage to convey the message not to mess with me, which would be useful in your shoes.

Good luck and hope your DS is happy at the school...
My DS starts reception tomorrow so am hoping I dont have this to lool forward to!

oh Panna, big day then for you both

I hope it goes very well. If you've already met the head you should be ok...good luck xx

HelenaBC sadly mine is still ongoing BUT I will hopefully be in a position in the near future to actually be able to say go fuck yourself you sad old hag of a woman.

I loved colditz's advice, I think the looking totally uninterested, looking over her shoulder all the time, ask her to repeat stuff by saying "sorry I wasn't listening, what was that last bit" is a really good idea.

If you do end up in a meeting with her again, take in another parent/govenor to take notes. It helps you feel better.

Also try to talk to some more mums if you can, that way she can't separate you from the herd

I know you must be worried that she can take this out on your son, practise the uninterested look in the mirror and think of things to say to exit her presence.

You have my sympathies, I look at myself and laugh at how simpering I have become because I cannot fight back. It takes away the fair fight.

I dunno things sometimes seem blown out of all proportion when you read them on here calmly and as a third party

that would probably be my advice

the hm asked you about a pattern of absence that was probably erroneously highlighted to her
she very poorly dealt with it and then didn't apologise when you pointed out her mistake
I doubt she's very clever or subtley attacking you...people are rarely clever and subtle.
Sometimes it's easier to project a situation on to someone or to project your unease into a situation to rather than deal with the issues you have surrounding it and at the heart of it...
if I were you re-reading this that's what I'd seriously consider

Thanks Fizzy, I hope your moment arrives very soon - I'd like to witness it

Ronaldinhio, thanks too - I shall of course examine my own motivations and thought processes around this as it brings up stuff from the pact without a doubt.

But I don't think that means she isn't bullying me (and others)

If it was just me I'd be more worried about that side of it iyswim.

I'll see how it goes tomorrow. I almost have a little kind of plan of action now...might need tweaking!