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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am being thrown out of my own home

74 replies

Tortured · 02/09/2009 18:10

Ok so I have name changed but am a regular ish poster and I am desperate and feeling totally tortured about my situation.

My wife has announced she wants me to move out. Things have been wrong between us for many years and I accept totally that most of the blame for the issues lay at my door. I was prepared to move out when we separated for a short time at the start of the year. My wife agreed to make a go of things however and things improved for a while.

I know I could have tried harder with lots of things but I didn't, I cannot explain why not, I just didn't and I wish I had as now she wants me to move out stating that she has had enough of my promises of improvement which never materialise into anything. I wish I had more get up and go in me and I would give anything to feel more confident and assertive. I understand why she feels this way and I know there is no going back and the relationship is doomed as far as she can see.

She told me a couple of nights ago that she no longer loves me, fancies me and has lost all respect for me. I still think things can work out if only she will see that I will improve. I fear she will get a solicitor involved and want to know where I stand with the house, kids etc. House is rented through HA in her name only on the tenancy. We both work full time.

Do I have any claim on staying put in the house? She wants to end it so surely I could say SHE should move out? Can she make me move out legally? What can I do in terms of getting access to the kids? She said she wants joint access/custody. I cannot bear the thought of not living with my kids but know they could not live with me if I were living alone due to my job.

I just don't know what to do my head is spinning with it all and I have no family or friends who I can turn to.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 02/09/2009 18:19

She can ask you to leave, upsetting as it is for you. Her name is on the tenancy, plus if she will be doing more of the care of the kids, it makes sense to disrupt them as little as possible.

LuluMaman · 02/09/2009 18:19

i am sorry to hear this, but i think you need to get legal advice yourself and find out where you stand

if she has given you lots of chances and you acknowledge you have not tried, then i imagine she feels at the end of her tether and does not want to wait any longer to see if you improve as you have not so far

she is certainly well within her rights and very sensible to seek legal advice, and you should do the same

does not mean things should be any more acrimonious but sorting out things will be done correctly and officially

why should she move out with the children ?

see teh CAB to start with

DameEdnaAverage · 02/09/2009 18:22

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It's a horrible time.

I am no expert, but would assume that, as the HA tenancy is in your wife's name that you have very little claim on it. Also, it would make sense for the children to stay in their house for the sake of stability so you need to work out between you what is going to happen with custody of your dcs and sort something out.

If it helps at all, I left my husband a year ago, but rather than kicking him when he was down and for the sake of stability for my ds, I moved out, but picked ds up every night from school and gave him his dinner at his house. We now have an arrangement where he spends half the week with me and half with my ex h. We have him on alternate weekends. It may not work for everyone, but it is the best solution for us and ds is coping well with it. It was pretty much the only option as neither of us was prepared to spend less than 3 days at a time without ds at least to start with. Obviously we are keeping an eye on him to make sure it's best for him.

This must be horrible for you. Please carry on posting if you need to get things off your chest.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/09/2009 18:23

Why would anyone want to stay in the house when the relationship is over? If she is doing more care of the kids it makes sense for you to move out - and if her name is on the tenancy then it would be best for you to preserve what's best for the kids (ie. you two continuing to be friendly).

Sorry your relationship is over though

mumblechum · 02/09/2009 18:25

I'm afraid that if this went to court on your application to have the tenenacy transferred to you, it's extremely unlikely that you'd succeed. It's a rental property so you have no equitable interest and although you have a right to occupy under the Matrimonial Homes Act, purely by being the tenant's spouse, that's it, and once the decree absolute is made that right ends.

You need to accept that you need to find another rental asap unless you can persuade her to give it another chance.

I suggest you get a solicitor on board as soon as possible. All good family lawyers belong to www.resolution.org.uk

Original poster

Tortured · 02/09/2009 20:40

I know I haven't done the things we talked about but I just love her so much and it will kill me to have to walk away from my kids. I just can't do it. Whatever my faults I didn't deserve this. Marriage is for life, I believe, and she should realise this too.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/09/2009 20:44

Marriage is for as long as both parties work at it. Sorry to sound unsympathetic but if she told you she was unhappy, you acknowledged things you needed to work on , and didn't, she is not obliged to stay married to you.
You won't be able to stay in the house, so why don't you look for a rental nearby, see your kids as much as possible, and really try to work on the issues that have got between you. Maybe you can prove yourself to her.
Have you tried relate?

Original poster

Tortured · 02/09/2009 20:49

We had a session with relate last year. Counsellor said something about us having a typical mother/child relationship. She acts like my mother and I let her, instead of standing on my own two feet. Seemed like hard work and all I want is a quiet life so I let her do everything.

Wife asked me to get counselling by myself first before doing it jointly but at 42 quid a go it was too much money.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 02/09/2009 21:12

goodness, you need to step up and take responsibility

your marriage is worth finding £42 a session or some sort of free / subsidised counselling

you can't say on one hand you know you have not done what you should and then say marriage is for life

it takes hard work and commitment and more than words and empty promises

maybe if your DW sees you taking positive, affirmative forward thinking action, she might reconsider, but if you carry on saying you know you have not done the right thing but don't make any effort, there is no hope

you can't have it both ways

you know you have not stepped up, but losing the marriage is killing you

the two things are connected

and if you recognise the faults in the relationship include you acting like a child, then you have to recognise that you are the one who has to make the changes to act like an adult.. then your wife can stop acting like your mum

LuluMaman · 02/09/2009 21:13

"Seemed like hard work and all I want is a quiet life so I let her do everything."

marriage is hard work. you need to make an effort.

you come across as ambivalent rather than tortured tbh.

dollius · 02/09/2009 21:21

"She acts like my mother and I let her, instead of standing on my own two feet. Seemed like hard work and all I want is a quiet life so I let her do everything."

Crikey. Do you not have any self respect?

I think that given you both work full time and it is her name on the tenancy,it is entirely reasonable to suggest joint residency - if she does more with the kids than you normally, then this is more than generous.

Original poster

Tortured · 02/09/2009 22:14

If I see a solicitor what should I be looking to ask him? The main thing I want is to stay in the house with my kids. I don't want to move out, I would hope in time things would work out ok with my wife. It would kill me to have to move out and have them at weekends.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 02/09/2009 22:18

you really seem to be ignoring the fact that your wife does not want to be married to you or live with you anymore

solicitor can't make your wife want to stay married or living with you

if the thought of being without your kids is killing you put some of that effort into a last ditch reconciliation ,but from the sounds of things, your wife has had enough

Tortington · 02/09/2009 22:19

you cant stay in the house

you cant

not unless the relationship is going to work

accept it

the tenancy is in her name

you shouldda couldda wouldda - but you didn't.

£42 too much ! drop in the ocean now though eh?

the house is in her name.

if the relationship is over you need to find somewhere else to live

you need to sort out finances and child support and benefit entitlement.

so if the relationship is over you have to face - you have to leave.

see a solicitor regarding your rights and parental access etc.

Original poster

Tortured · 02/09/2009 22:20

She is not budging on saying it is over this time. Not even a hint that she wants to make another go of it. Can she MAKE me move out? I just want to wave a magic wand and make everything alright again.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 02/09/2009 22:22

yes she can make you

you say you did not make the effort and did not try and yet seem surprised you are being given your marching orders

QuintessentialShadows · 02/09/2009 22:23

She can make you move out.
See a solicitor. If she has been mothering you, as you have been unwilling to act an adult, no wonder it is daunting for you to move out and manage life on your own. But if she really were to move out, would you manage the kids on your own properly?

Is she a lot older than you?

BecauseImWorthIt · 02/09/2009 22:25

Sounds like it's time for you to grow up.

skybright · 02/09/2009 22:28

You have said that you are aware that most of the problems in your relationship are your fault. She gave you another chance and nothing changed..why should she have to move out?

There seems little point making things even harder than they are.

womenfirst · 02/09/2009 22:29

To use your analogy: she gave you the magic wand. She told you how to wave it to make things better. You didn't wave it.

It must be very hard but you need to respect her decision and do the right thing by making this difficult situation as easy as possible for your kids.

mustrunmore · 02/09/2009 22:34

I'm intrigued as to what the things were that she wanted/needed and you couldn't get round to giving? Its a genuine question, no offence intended.

Without knowing her, I have no idea if she's certain, or calling your final bluff. But you need to be prepared. It is very interesting though that you want to try now simply because you dont want to move out. You want an easy life, fair enough. But easy lives are only attained with effort.

Tortington · 02/09/2009 22:36

SHE CAN MAKE YOU MOVE OUT THE TENANCY IS NOT IN YOUR NAME

mamas12 · 02/09/2009 22:38

Trip bloody trap I fear.
He is reiterating all the things that have been said about oh on here and trying to come accross as the injured party.

aRLcat · 02/09/2009 22:39

Yes she can make you move out. She can have you forcefully removed if need be. Don't make her.

You seem confused TBH.

You've messed up consistently and over time by the sound of it but this is't the end of your life or your relationship with your children. It is the end of your relationship with your wife.

I can barely believe you are trying to stake a claim in not only her house by rights but also your children's home!

Have some dignity FFS.

TheCrackFox · 02/09/2009 22:40

By the looks of it you will probably have to move out.

It might be worth booking an appointment with your solicitor to see what rights you have.

I think, if you were to be honest, you know that the relationship is over. You haven't once mentioned that you love your wife, if you did, £42 would have seemed like small change.

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