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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am being thrown out of my own home

74 replies

Tortured · 02/09/2009 18:10

Ok so I have name changed but am a regular ish poster and I am desperate and feeling totally tortured about my situation.

My wife has announced she wants me to move out. Things have been wrong between us for many years and I accept totally that most of the blame for the issues lay at my door. I was prepared to move out when we separated for a short time at the start of the year. My wife agreed to make a go of things however and things improved for a while.

I know I could have tried harder with lots of things but I didn't, I cannot explain why not, I just didn't and I wish I had as now she wants me to move out stating that she has had enough of my promises of improvement which never materialise into anything. I wish I had more get up and go in me and I would give anything to feel more confident and assertive. I understand why she feels this way and I know there is no going back and the relationship is doomed as far as she can see.

She told me a couple of nights ago that she no longer loves me, fancies me and has lost all respect for me. I still think things can work out if only she will see that I will improve. I fear she will get a solicitor involved and want to know where I stand with the house, kids etc. House is rented through HA in her name only on the tenancy. We both work full time.

Do I have any claim on staying put in the house? She wants to end it so surely I could say SHE should move out? Can she make me move out legally? What can I do in terms of getting access to the kids? She said she wants joint access/custody. I cannot bear the thought of not living with my kids but know they could not live with me if I were living alone due to my job.

I just don't know what to do my head is spinning with it all and I have no family or friends who I can turn to.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 02/09/2009 22:40

i don;t think he is gaining any sympathy,mamas12！

dollius · 02/09/2009 22:43

Yes, stop worrying about what YOUR rights are and start trying to ensure your children's lives aren't turned upside down by this.

And you say you can't bear to live apart from your children, but that it would be impossible for them to live with you due to your job. Well change your job then, women do it all the bloody time.

Try revolving your life around your children rather than just focusing on yourself.

aRLcat · 02/09/2009 22:45

Could be bridge dweller, yes.

Maybe not though, my 2X's have been equally as self absorped and TBQH pathetic. The post wake-up call, male state of 'MeMeMe' is not unusual, unfortunately.

AuraofDora · 02/09/2009 22:50

lol at ambivelant

dittany · 02/09/2009 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleduck · 02/09/2009 23:00

oh jaysus Tortured

Tortured at what? That your soon to be ex has more gumption than you do?
That you'll have to fend for yourself now?

YOU made a choice - a choice to do nothing. Now there are consequences... Live with it

Snorbs · 02/09/2009 23:30

It sounds like you've blown your DP's trust and hence she's lost all respect for you. That sucks but it is what it is. You now have to put your big boy's pants on and deal with it. Some things I urge you to do ASAP:

Find somewhere else to live before you get chucked out in the street. Your name's not on the lease therefore you have no claim.
Talk to your boss about what the possibilities are for changing your work hours so you get to spend some quality time with the DCs. Consider arranging to phone them every night and/or use Skype for free video calls over the Internet.
Join Families Need Fathers for good advice about how to amicably negotiate contact etc.
Look into child maintenance costs - the CSA's figures will give you the minimum you are obliged to pay.
Look into getting some counseling to help you understand what went wrong in this relationship and how things could be different for you in the future.

dollius · 03/09/2009 11:24

Totally excellent advice from Snorbs there.

weegiemum · 03/09/2009 11:34

The point at which I relaised this isn't going to change is the one at which you asked "if I see a solicitor, what will I say to him"

Says it all about your attitude to women.

Grow a pair and realise your (ex) wife has more balls than you!

warthog · 03/09/2009 12:31

it's all about you isn't it? how can you have a quiet, easy life? let someone else do all the hard work. no wonder your marriage is at an end. to hell with what's in the best interests of your kids.

everything worth having is hard work mate. wake up and smell the coffee.

warthog · 03/09/2009 12:32

sorry to not offer constructive advice, plenty of others on here have. i just wanted to have my say.

Lemonylemon · 03/09/2009 12:55

Nothing constructive to add except to say that I'm glad you're not my H

SerendipitousHarlot · 03/09/2009 13:49

Exactly what dittany said.

I'm not going to give you any sympathy I'm afraid. I am sorry that your relationship has ended, but you are consistently refusing to take any responsibility for the breakdown throughout this thread!

I assume she has broached the issues over and over again with you and you have refused to change your ways. Pretty much because you couldn't be arsed.

So..... she's made the decision. Unlucky. You should have listened.

Sorry.

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2009 13:59

go to www.wikivorce.com all your questions will be answered.

cestlavielife · 03/09/2009 14:00

no it will not "kill" you to move out. grow up.

if you decide to kill yourself then it will be your choice and yours only. if you really feel like that, see GP immediately and get some treatment.

if you are reasonable, you will see your children a lot - she has offered you shared custody!!

you sound like my ex - if you leave me i will kill myself. i dont want to be a weekend father. bla bla bla ...

you can be a GOOD father spending quality time with his child(ren), even if not there every day. when they a little older they may even choose to live with you full time. what you do now about this situation will set the scene for the future.

if it is over it is over.

the more you make a fuss about it the more you only harm yourself and your children.

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/09/2009 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Tortured · 03/09/2009 22:53

You are all saying the things my wife has said to me. I am finding this really hard and I just cannot get my head around the fact that the best thing is for us to split up. Marriage really should mean for life. I know, I really DO know that I should have done more and I am kicking myself that things have come to this.

We had another long discussion tonight and she has said pretty clearly that it is over and that I should accept it and there is no going back. I am finding it so hard to accept it though, I can't believe it has come to this. It has been shocking to read in black and white the things that have been said on this thread and I know deep down that you are all right. Same as I know my wife is right. I still want to make everything ok and still think there could be a hope that things will be if she gives me another chance.

But she has decided it's over and I can't change her mind. I can't compete with someone as confident as she is. She just seems to get everything right with such little effort, making it all look so easy.

I will be looking for somewhere else to live first thing in the morning.

OP posts:

lilacclaire · 03/09/2009 22:59

But she did give you another chance.....
You didn't take it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/09/2009 23:02

She isn't going to give you 'another chance'. You can try to make the changes she asked for while you are separated, and hope that she sees that, but know that she might not. Or you can give up and do nothing.

Stop thinking marriage should be for life no matter what. That's the sort of complacency that causes people to ignore the warning signs and change nothing. Marriage is for as long as both parties work at it.

SerendipitousHarlot · 04/09/2009 10:22

The thing is, Tortured - the reason she seems to be finding it so easy, is because in her mind, she left a long time ago, emotionally.

I have been through the exact same thing. He couldn't understand how I could be so 'cold' - but I hadn't always been. The constant pleading and talking about how things should change, and they never did, wore me down. By the time I actually plucked up the courage to end it, I hadn't loved him for a long time.

I know it's hard for you, honestly I do. But you have to take responsibility - you have been warned, and warned and you didn't listen.

dittany · 04/09/2009 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 04/09/2009 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dollius · 04/09/2009 22:16

I actually think you sound quite depressed from your last post. I would urge you to go and see your GP about it.

berries · 05/09/2009 07:37

u sound like my h. I also asked time and again for him to put some effort in. I got so tired of trying and getting nowhere we are now separating. he is also more worried about losing the house than losing me. my sympathies to your wife

itsmeolord · 05/09/2009 10:37

Fucking hell you lot are nasty.

Saying you thought marriage is for life is not oppressive, how many of us get married thinking well 1 in three fail, heigh ho, lets just see how long we last then. I would like my marriage to last for life, i would be devestated if i did get married and it ended regardless of whether or not I had made enough effort.
You don't actually know what the op's wife asked for. If a woman had posted saying, it's all my fault, he says i haven't made enough effort, he doesn't love me or respect me etc you would all have asked what he wanted before judging the op. The op's wife could be the opressive one.

If this was a woman saying it would kill her to move out and leave the children but that her husband was the primary carer and she had no choice then there would be lots of faces on here no doubt.

The op has been called pathetic, told to grow up, called odd..... to name a few insults.
A relationship breaking down is shit, it hurts and both parties tend to do and say things they regret.
This is supposed to be a site for support for parents, this thread is so far from being supportive its untrue.

OP - yes you will have to move out because the tenancy is in your wife's name. You should be asking a solicitor to look at joint residency, joint residency doesn't necessarily mean 50% time with each parent but it will mean that both parents are seen as equal when it comes to decisions about schools, medical care etc etc.
Ask for as much access as you can manage with your job, you will have to negotiate but asking for the maximum gives you a better starting point.
Take some counselling if you can, you need to be able to learn to function as a cop parent now, so you need to be able to work with your ex amicably on any matters regarding the children.
There is no point in dwelling on who is in the wrong now, you need to start getting practical so that you have a place for the children to come and stay etc. TBH, doing the practical things will keep you busy and will probably help.
Have you any friends or family who can offer support? Don't be afraid to ask for help.
You could have a word with the HA and see if there is any chance of renting a property through them, it's a long shot but worth a try. If not then you will have to start looking at private rental.

Best of luck. Things will look very different in a year or so.

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