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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lost my twin

39 replies

oneofapair · 01/09/2009 14:48

Last week my twin sister died of cancer just three weeks after the initial diagnosis at age 32. Although we were not identical (I was a boy) we were very close all our lives. We went to the same University, never lived more than 50 miles apart and I saw her about every three weeks.

She never married and so my parents would like me to say something about her at her funeral on Friday.

What can say that can express the hurt and anger and pain I am feeling. I was supposed to look after her and when it really mattered I was helpless.

What do people say in these circumstances?

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 14:51

So sad for you. Say that you will miss her, in whatever words you find to express that.

Rubyrubyruby · 01/09/2009 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pasturesnew · 01/09/2009 14:58

So sorry for your loss. This is really hard for you, I'm not sure how easy it would be for you to come up with a speech so soon. Do you think you could maybe you find a poem that you like and expresses how you feel?

KristinaM · 01/09/2009 15:00

i am sorry for your loss

the other posters are right, its about celebrating her life

a poem or a reading is a great idea

mrsboogie · 01/09/2009 15:02

I am so sorry - how terrible that someone could die so young and so quickly. How unfair it is. You must be still in shock. Its no wonder you feel the way you do. But you know there was nothing you could do to help her or prevent it - just as if the situations had been reversed you wouldn't have blamed her for being helpless if you had a terminal illness - would you?

The thing is, the words you say at her funeral will be your public goodbye to her. You are at the start of the grieving process and all your overriding emotions are negative, understandably. It will take a long time to process those feelings - maybe the rest of your life. Shouldn't your goodbye to her be a positive one though? Wouldn't it be better to talk about what she brought to your life and others and how close you were rather than how angry and hopeless you feel? If you were dead and she was speaking at your funeral - what would you want her to say?

StainlessSteelCat · 01/09/2009 15:02

So sorry for you and your family. I would find a poem or other writing that speaks about how she was rather than how you feel. Reading someone else's words was easier for me to do in a similar situation than putting together my own words.

madeupsurname · 01/09/2009 15:03

So so sad for you. I am very close to my sister and would be devastated if I lost her.

Do you want to speak at the funeral? I only ask because a friend of mine lost his brother, and felt in retrospect that his wishes weren't really listened to when it came to the funeral.

Do make a speech if it is something you want to do, but please don't feel you have to because that is what your parents want. Your wishes count too.

HumphreyCobbler · 01/09/2009 15:05

I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible tragedy.

Original poster

oneofapair · 01/09/2009 15:11

I know that I must celebrate her life it is just so hard when there is a great gaping gap in my heart.

OP posts:

laurielou · 01/09/2009 15:11

I'm so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing to have to endure.

I admire anyone who can speak about a loved one at their funeral - I really think you are incredibly brave.

As your sister was so young, what about reading lyrics from a favourite song of hers?

Original poster

oneofapair · 01/09/2009 15:16

Oh Caroline why have I got to say this!!

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other
That we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes
We enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me,
Let my name be ever the household word that
It always was.

Let it be spoken without effort,
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am
Out of sight? I am but waiting for you
For an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner .
All is well.

OP posts:

laurielou · 01/09/2009 15:27

That's lovely, sounds perfect for a twin to read. Not too stuffy or old, if you know what I mean.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Rubyrubyruby · 01/09/2009 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsboogie · 01/09/2009 15:55

that is lovely.

Winetimeisfinetime · 01/09/2009 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumoverseas · 01/09/2009 16:12

I'm so sorry for your loss. No advice really but couldn't read without posting.

I suffered a close family bereavement in recent months and found some of the threads in the bereavement section really helpful x

Conundrumish · 01/09/2009 18:01

So sorry. No advice though, but I hope it goes OK. Did you know there is a bereavement bit of this site, I think, in case you need that too for your own support?

Original poster

oneofapair · 01/09/2009 18:32

I am going to Caroline's house tomorrow. Mum and Dad tried to go today but could not cope with staying for more than a few minutes. The lovely lady next door took them in when she saw them just sitting in the car.

It looks as if Caroline had not guessed that she might not be coming home after her hospital appointment because the house looked as if she had just stepped out for a few minutes. As it was she was admitted at once and never came out again

I think it was all the post on the mat that upset them the most. Please think of me tomorrow.

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mumoverseas · 01/09/2009 19:00

will be saying a prayer for you and your parents.
I know how awful it is. My lovely mother died a few months ago and somehow I managed to be strong on the day of the funeral and I held it together long enough to read a poem at the mass and at her graveside. It was the weeks following the funeral that were the hardest.

Be strong x

warthog · 01/09/2009 20:26

i am so so sorry.

i will think of you tomorrow.

Conundrumish · 01/09/2009 22:14

I hope you can get some comfort from the fact that she didn't seem to know what was ahead & left her house as it was.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Take care.

PinkyRed · 01/09/2009 22:18

I am so sorry for your loss. My sister died in January this year, and it's just awful.

I hope you get through tomorrow - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Not for right now, obviously, but did you know that there is an organisation called the Lone Twin Network, or something similar, which is specifically for people in your position, who have lost their twins. My friend was in contact with them when her sister died very suddenly, and she found them really helpful.

PinkyRed · 01/09/2009 22:20

Link here for if you want it, when you're ready:

www.patient.co.uk/support/Lone-Twin-Network.htm

Rubyrubyruby · 02/09/2009 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

oneofapair · 02/09/2009 16:57

I spend some time in Caroline?s house today and now I feel drained of all energy. The neighbours from both sides must have seen my car in the drive because they called in for few minutes. They were very kind to me but I found it so hard to talk about Caroline in the past tense. Just sitting in the house was so difficult to do. I kept expecting to see her coming into the room with that lovely smile on her face and I haven?t managed to go up stairs yet.

The top sheet in her file of private papers was a very strange handwriiten note to me dated the day she went to see her GP. Caroline had wriiten

I?ll be waiting for you so
If you come here
You?ll find me
I promise

I don?t know what she meant here, not at all??

I?ve got to go into work tomorrow as I am running out of compassionate leave and the system doesn?t allow for holiday leave at short notice. The list of jobs to do seems endless and each one seems to convert her from the lovely person I remember to just an entry in a file somewhere labelled ? dead. The funeral is on Friday.

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