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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can see signs of controlling/abusive behaviour. Am I being paranoid?

59 replies

TheGoldenCat · 26/08/2009 11:12

I have been with my partner for around a year now. He is normally quiet, shy, nervous type but sometimes he just explodes in fits of rage, usually whilst driving, other times just in the house when he drops something for instance.

He's never been aggressive with me though.

What is worrying me is that he seems obsessed with being with me 24/7. If I arrange to go into town with my mum for the day he goes in a sulk saying its "wierd" and that he should be invited too.

He's started slagging off my family, very subtle comments but its becomming more and more frequent.

Everything of mine he says is crap. My phone is crap, my PC is crap, my car was crap etc etc.

I told him the other day that I had been asked on a works night out for the saturday night. Its the first time I've been out since we got together. He went in a major strop saying that weekends should be "our time" and that I wasn't leaving him at home with the kids (not his kids but still, they were at their dads that night anyway so it wasn't an issue) and I was being selfish spending the money on myself (even though its MY money) etc etc, basically he just did not want me going out.

He moans every time I have to go to training courses with my martial arts club because he insists the instructor has "ulterior motives" and in december, the martial arts club are going out for christmas dinner together. No partners, just us. DP went in a right mood and said it was selfish, me going out and leaving him and that he should go too. Now he's insisting that we get the kids looked after so he can come too.

I am due to go on holiday in six weeks time (it was booked before I moved in with him) and he says he's fine with it, yet at the same time he's going on and on about plane crashes, says stuff like "i'll be watching the news all night" and putting on movies with air crashes in when he KNOWS i'm terrified of flying as it is.

He has no friends and doesn't go out anywhere. Is he just lonely/cares about me or is it signs of more to come?

OP posts:
Meglet · 26/08/2009 11:17

I assume you don't have any dc's with him?

His behaviour sounds like it could be the tip of the iceberg. IME I think you should break it off. He may well be lonely, but I also think he's a timebomb waiting to go off.

steamedtreaclesponge · 26/08/2009 11:19

I don't think you're being paranoid - OK, maybe one or two of these incidents might just be signs that he's lonely, but when you put it all together this would be waving big red flags at me

It is NOT normal to want to spend 24/7 with your partner to that extent - why on earth shouldn't you have a night out on your own once in a while? And slagging off your family and belongings is not acceptable.

I'm not going to start yelling "LEAVE HIM" just yet but he doesn't sound like a very pleasant person, and I would seriously take a good look at your relationship. If he's like this now and showing signs of getting worse it might be wise to get out while you still can.

Have you tried talking to him about his behaviour and how it affects you? It might just be that he's unaware of what he's doing but I'm afraid to me it sounds like he's trying to manipulate you.

Hopefully someone with more experience than me will be along in a second to give you some better advice though!

jeminthepantry · 26/08/2009 11:20

It is ringing my alarm bells anyway.

His behaviour, attitudes and comments are not on...it's not good...do you live together? Sounds unhealthy to me.

OhBling · 26/08/2009 11:22

Is this the guy who was giving you a hard time about tea towels when you moved in?

Rindercella · 26/08/2009 11:23

You haven't been out by yourself since you have been with him?

I personally would be quite worried by this behaviour. He is showing huge signs of insecurity. You should both have outside interests and hobbies and be "allowed" to go out alone, not just part of a couple.

I wonder how he will be closer to you actually going on holiday? He still has 6 weeks to get more & more worked up by it.

Do you live together? What are the positives of being with him?

Original poster
TheGoldenCat · 26/08/2009 11:30

Teatowels? he wasn't like this when I first moved in, he was very sweet, encouraged the martial arts and promised he agreed with personal time, going out with friends etc.

He has no hobbies or interests other than what he can do in the house.

I'm not sure what he's going to do with this holiday lark as its getting worse as the time gets closer. He kicked off the other day saying if I had to phone america from the landline the bill would be itemised and I would have to find the money for that myself.

He's saying I should spend as little as possible whilst I'm away so that I can put the remainder in a holiday for us.

I'm actually temped to hide my passports because I can see them going missing

We do live together and we had a row the other day about the toaster believe it or not. I saw one in argos I liked, he said "no, don't like it, no way". He said the same about a microwave I liked, and an ironing board. He refuses to get rid of any of his stuff, even if I hate it (like the disgusting cuckoo clock in the living room) yet I'm expected to get rid of anything he doesn't like.

Positives are that we do have a laugh most of the time and we do get on, just as long as I don't bring up anything about me going anywhere without him

OP posts:
OhBling · 26/08/2009 11:34

Sorry - there was a poster a while back who had a man who kept giving her a hard time about her stuff when she moved in with him and I thought it was you perhaps.

Sorry but he sounds like a prat. You cannot get everything you need from one person and if he tries to make you into everything to him or vice versa, you're asking for trouble. Whether he's violent or not, he's clearly got serious issues with boundaries and I'd be sitting him down for a long talk about what you expect and can live with - he should accept the bulk of it and agree compromise on the rest.

saintmaybe · 26/08/2009 11:35

This is not sounding good

I think you know

Life is too short to spend it like this, feeling in the wrong, defending yourself, thinking you might have to hide your passport fgs

lepirate · 26/08/2009 11:36

woah

i am one of those posters who will say 'leave'.

doggiesayswoof · 26/08/2009 11:37

No I don't think you're being paranoid.

What do you say when he does the "you can't go without me" thing? I would be putting him straight pretty quick.

I had a boyfriend like this when I was 16 - he didn't like me being with my friends or family, he moaned when I spent time at school band practice instead of with him.

I have to say it didn't last.

It sounds like he is lonely and insecure and doesn't have enough confidence in himself that you will go out somewhere and come back to him again IYSWIM. Good idea to put your passport somewhere safe.

doggiesayswoof · 26/08/2009 11:39

Actually I agree with saintmaybe. Life is too short.

FlightHattendant · 26/08/2009 11:39

He is a wanker, it's very very clear from your OP

have we not had this geezer before, with the martial arts situation?

You KNOW it's well overdue to get shot of him. Something is stopping you, but honestly if he behaves like this to you in front of your kids it's harming them. He is a SHIT.

MaDuggar · 26/08/2009 11:40

Have you posted about him before? Some bells are ringing here ...

jeminthepantry · 26/08/2009 11:44

I had a boyfriend who sounds similar too- at first I enjoyed being adored, but then it became controlling..and then he would start beating the crap out of me for minor transgressions, such as...ooh, 'looking' at other men, etc..

It's not good, but it looks like you know that- he has probably eroded your own sense of your integrity with all his comments...but you still do have your integrrity, which is why you are posting.

What do you want to happen, what do you think you should do about it?

jeminthepantry · 26/08/2009 11:45

Quite like FAttendants straight talking!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/08/2009 11:53

I've read about your story before I'm sure.

Yes, I'm saying kick him out too. It will only get worse. When your kids get older he will start trying to control them too, if he hasn't already started.

This is awful behaviour, you can't live like this, he doesn't have the right to make you live like this.

MaDuggar · 26/08/2009 11:55

My sister has been with a man like this since she was 15 . My mum has not seen her on her own for 12 years, he HAS to be there at all times. They now live in a remote village so that none of us can see her or my DNiece. She is nto allowed to visit anyone, and we can only visit if he is present & has given us permission. My sister is a complete shadow of the happy & confident girl she used to be. Everything she does now is controlled and manipulated by him.

Tis very very sad for our family

FlightHattendant · 26/08/2009 11:58

I'm sorry it was a trifle direct

but I am sorry to say I meant every word.
He's been allowed to get away with this nonsense for far too long...what are you thinking? It is hard to realise when you are in the thick of it, I know, but step back...why are you allowing this?

I hope you kick him to the kerb. I really do. In fact I will come and do it for you if you'll allow me!

funtimewincies · 26/08/2009 12:11

I'm afraid that from what you've said it doesn't sound like paranoia.

The temper tantrums aside (we're all allowed to behave like a complete child once in a while) you are living with someone who wants to control every aspect of your behaviour. It sounds like he doesn't have the skills to form healthy friendships of his own and so is going to make sure that you are unable to exist without him.

I lived with someone like this at university. The pattern was...

  1. Wanted to move in quickly.
  2. Made hurtful comments about my friends and wanted to have all of my time.
  3. I agreed to share a house (seperate rooms) but not live together but ended up being manipulated into sharing a room and being classed a his 'partner' when he left his course and needed to claim.
  4. My social circle got smaller as I had to justify any expense, as money was now 'ours' rather than 'his' and 'mine'.
  5. He sulked over everything and made me feel like I was in the wrong if I wanted to do anything which did not involve him.
  6. When I finally realised that I was not in a normal relationship I had no friends and nowhere to go except home to my parents with my tail between my legs.

3 years later I swallowed my pride and left. At no point had there been violence, just the constant errosion of my personality. Within weeks he was living with someone else and repeated the pattern again with someone else when her friends intervened.

I fear that his behaviour will not change - why should it? He probably knows no other way .

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 26/08/2009 12:14

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LaurieFairyCake · 26/08/2009 12:19

If you're at a stage where you think he might steal your passport to prevent you going away it's time to leave.

No ifs, no buts - just leave him.

racmac · 26/08/2009 12:22

Get out of there now thats not normal - he is trying to control you and i fear that if you dont go along with him things will get worse.

MaDuggar · 26/08/2009 12:24

Reality, is it who I am thinking of? Lots of posts about the same relationship, lots of name changes?

NellyNoKnicks · 26/08/2009 12:24

Run..... run for the hills, nothing good (for you and your kids) can come from this!!

My ex was like this.... it got so bad I got grief just going to work, if I was wearing make up. It only gets more and more suffocating and miserable, it never gets better!

Sorry

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 26/08/2009 12:25

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