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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can see signs of controlling/abusive behaviour. Am I being paranoid?

59 replies

TheGoldenCat · 26/08/2009 11:12

I have been with my partner for around a year now. He is normally quiet, shy, nervous type but sometimes he just explodes in fits of rage, usually whilst driving, other times just in the house when he drops something for instance.

He's never been aggressive with me though.

What is worrying me is that he seems obsessed with being with me 24/7. If I arrange to go into town with my mum for the day he goes in a sulk saying its "wierd" and that he should be invited too.

He's started slagging off my family, very subtle comments but its becomming more and more frequent.

Everything of mine he says is crap. My phone is crap, my PC is crap, my car was crap etc etc.

I told him the other day that I had been asked on a works night out for the saturday night. Its the first time I've been out since we got together. He went in a major strop saying that weekends should be "our time" and that I wasn't leaving him at home with the kids (not his kids but still, they were at their dads that night anyway so it wasn't an issue) and I was being selfish spending the money on myself (even though its MY money) etc etc, basically he just did not want me going out.

He moans every time I have to go to training courses with my martial arts club because he insists the instructor has "ulterior motives" and in december, the martial arts club are going out for christmas dinner together. No partners, just us. DP went in a right mood and said it was selfish, me going out and leaving him and that he should go too. Now he's insisting that we get the kids looked after so he can come too.

I am due to go on holiday in six weeks time (it was booked before I moved in with him) and he says he's fine with it, yet at the same time he's going on and on about plane crashes, says stuff like "i'll be watching the news all night" and putting on movies with air crashes in when he KNOWS i'm terrified of flying as it is.

He has no friends and doesn't go out anywhere. Is he just lonely/cares about me or is it signs of more to come?

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 26/08/2009 12:27

My alarm bells are ringing.

You are considering hiding your passport from a man you are supposed to be in a loving relationship with? That is very bad.

I'd say run for the hills, but if you don't have the balls to do that yet then you need to have a very frank talk with him, along the lines of "I and only I will choose whether or not I go out and socialise without you, I am going to my martial arts do without you, I am not going to spend every waking hour with you and I will have a say in what we buy for our house. Like it or lump it."

And tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you will not tolerate him badmouthing your family, friends or personal posessions, and if he does it again you will leave him".

Overmydeadbody · 26/08/2009 12:29

I don't think this is the same poster as the other martial arts one, I think they had kids togetehr didn't they?

lyraSilvertongue · 26/08/2009 12:30

Oh dear, some big red flags there. the jealousy, the not wanting you to have a life without him, the putting down your friends and family, the having no friends of his own, the everything of yours is crap - these are all signs of a potentially emotionally abusive relationship. This will only get worse.
Talk to him, see if you can get him to think about the way he's behaving and change it.

LaDiDaDi · 26/08/2009 12:30

You are not being paranoid, not at all. His behaviour is worrying and unlikely, imo, to change for the better.

lyraSilvertongue · 26/08/2009 12:32

He sounds very insecure. But you shouldn't have to suffer for his insecurity. He needs to sort this out for himself.

ttalloo · 26/08/2009 12:32

"Positives are that we do have a laugh most of the time and we do get on, just as long as I don't bring up anything about me going anywhere without him."

If the two of you only get along because you are watching your behaviour and avoiding subjects that will get him going, then there is something seriously wrong. He sounds like a deeply insecure man, who can only make himself feel better by undermining you (you sound like someone who's sociable and fun, so the self-esteem to be gained from undermining you is correspondingly greater). You can't fix him, and he's only going to get worse the longer you stay with him. You have children as well as yourself to think about, so I would get out of this relationship fast. And buy whichever bloody toaster you like to celebrate!

AngryWasp · 26/08/2009 12:36

You're sinking. The longer you stay in the pit the further you will sink and the bigger the struggle to get out will be.

Start climbing now!

Narketta · 26/08/2009 12:45

Op, are you the same person who recently posted about your DP smearing your martial arts kit with mud so that you couldn't go??

mrsboogie · 26/08/2009 12:57

Ach we've had all this before haven't we? Is it you again?

Just read the advice you got last time.

Get rid.

junglist1 · 26/08/2009 13:09

These are not signs. You're in an abusive relationship that will get worse.

warthog · 26/08/2009 13:23

same as what we've said before really. you are not imagining it or being unreasonable. he is a nob. you need to kick him out.

MaDuggar · 26/08/2009 13:26

was this you too OP?

here

FlightHattendant · 26/08/2009 15:07

Looks like it innit

God I hope she starts to see sense before long. He's getting away with absolutely appalling behaviour. What a knob.

OhBling · 26/08/2009 15:56

If she is - it's the person I thought it was too. not sure where I got the tea towels from but it was another thread on this man's manipulative and compulsive behaviour.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2009 15:58

previous poster with worries about moving in, but did it anyway ?

several more posts re. controlling behaviour by dp, then poster magically disappears ?

his dc being shown favourism wrt sleeping arrangements etc

same one ?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 26/08/2009 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NewbeeMummy · 26/08/2009 16:10

Sounds a bit like my ex husband, eventually he was following me to the few things I did without him (for example he would sit in the car watching me play rigby, then race home to get there before me and even though I knew the reg plate, he would deny it was ever him)

He even locked me in the house on one ocassion, called my boss and went into my work and cleared out my desk, I was temping so the compnay took his word.

Get out now while you can, it'll be scary being on your own at first, but in the long run it' so much better.

BroodyChook · 26/08/2009 16:12

OP, I haven't been around that long but I'm sure you've posted about this man before? To be blunt, he's hardly a catch, is he? He has no hobbies, friends or any other facets to his personality to make him interesting judging by the information you've provided. Also, the 'portent of doom' routine strikes me as quite cruel. Exactly what is it that attracts you to this man?

Overmydeadbody · 26/08/2009 16:13

AF I really hope it's not the same poster, as I would have liked to think that other poster took on board all the advice she got here and left the fuckwit.

If not, then it is getting rather tiresome really. For goodness sake OP what are you waiting for? Why is it so hard to leave suck a horrible abusive man?

warthog · 26/08/2009 16:19

you know what, i get disheartened when op's don't take advice but start thread after thread asking from slightly different angles using different names.

but then i'm also glad that if they can get support from us and that helps them to eventually move on that can't be a bad thing.

best thing really op, is to just be honest in your postings and you may get a more positive response. say you've posted before, don't change your name, and just tell us you're struggling with how to get beyond this. then the advice will, i'm sure, be much more helpful to you.

warthog · 26/08/2009 16:23

well, i actually think this is mrs. snape - her modus operandi. and she was into martial arts. if so, i'm even more disheartened because her poor kids have to keep dealing with these losers too.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2009 16:23

this has been said warthog, several times

not that I am unsympathetic, but she seems to want to hear something we cannot supply

warthog · 26/08/2009 16:26

tis true. we can't give her a pair of balls.

dittany · 26/08/2009 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 26/08/2009 16:29

thing is, as per the other threads, the op won't come back so we don't get to offer real help other than 'leave the tosser.'.

FGS op, at least come back to this thread.