I can see signs of controlling/abusive behaviour. Am I being paranoid?

[TheGoldenCat]

I have been with my partner for around a year now. He is normally quiet, shy, nervous type but sometimes he just explodes in fits of rage, usually whilst driving, other times just in the house when he drops something for instance.

He's never been aggressive with me though.

What is worrying me is that he seems obsessed with being with me 24/7. If I arrange to go into town with my mum for the day he goes in a sulk saying its "wierd" and that he should be invited too.

He's started slagging off my family, very subtle comments but its becomming more and more frequent.

Everything of mine he says is crap. My phone is crap, my PC is crap, my car was crap etc etc.

I told him the other day that I had been asked on a works night out for the saturday night. Its the first time I've been out since we got together. He went in a major strop saying that weekends should be "our time" and that I wasn't leaving him at home with the kids (not his kids but still, they were at their dads that night anyway so it wasn't an issue) and I was being selfish spending the money on myself (even though its MY money) etc etc, basically he just did not want me going out.

He moans every time I have to go to training courses with my martial arts club because he insists the instructor has "ulterior motives" and in december, the martial arts club are going out for christmas dinner together. No partners, just us. DP went in a right mood and said it was selfish, me going out and leaving him and that he should go too. Now he's insisting that we get the kids looked after so he can come too.

I am due to go on holiday in six weeks time (it was booked before I moved in with him) and he says he's fine with it, yet at the same time he's going on and on about plane crashes, says stuff like "i'll be watching the news all night" and putting on movies with air crashes in when he KNOWS i'm terrified of flying as it is.

He has no friends and doesn't go out anywhere. Is he just lonely/cares about me or is it signs of more to come?

There's a lot of reasons why she might find it hard to break it off, maybe her dad was a git and it's all tied up in those deep kind of emotions...maybe she is afraid...maybe she has nowhere to go - all can be sorted but it takes a bit of extra oomph for some abused women.

I don't want to criticise her but a bit of straight talking can't hurt I suppose...I feel so desperate reading threads like this

Often just the thoughtof all the denied anger they've bottled up, suddenly coming to the surface, is enough to prevent a woman leaving. It's fecking painful to face that kind of emotion but the longer it goes on the worse it is and the harder to deal with the fallout personally iyswim.

Also perhaps she doesn't want it to be 'her fault' in that she decides it's over. she might want him to be responsible for that - screwed up thinking but there you go. Nobody stays in a situation like this if they haven't got some deeper reason for doing so.

He is an angry man as well as a controlling one.

It is extremely difficult to leave a controlling relationship and many women stay in such crap for years until they themselves have had enough.

I am sure I have read thegoldencat's story before as well (even if this is not the case there are many behaviours here shown by him that are controlling and thus abusive).

I will actually state to you TGC that you are in an absuive relationship and the controlling will escalate the longer you stay within the relationship. You are but a possession to him; he cares for you not a jot. If children are witness to all this they are learning from both of you. Damaging lessons are being imparted here.

"Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft is a book for all those in a controlling relationship. No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

Well whether he is controlling/abusive or not he sounds like a complete pain in the ass. What on earth are you enjoying about being with this guy?

Sorry to be so abrupt, but relationships weren't meant to be miserable.

The productive question to ask isn't - 'Is he a such-and-such type of guy?' but 'Am I happy?' If you are, fine. If not, well do something about it. Focus on yourself instead of him.

Don't bother trying to reason with this man. Don't try telling him how you feel he will only use it against you. Get out, or get him out if it's your place, and get your children out too before he hurts them. It never gets better there is no hope for a positive change. People like this are not cut out for relationships. Get out while you are still sane. Get all your documents together and run. Is there any other way of saying this?

TGC, you've had so much good advice on this thread, and I hope that you can find the strength to act on it and leave. This man is a parasite; he feels lousy about himself and makes himself feel better by destroying your self-confidence and self-belief. The longer you stay with him, the harder it is going to be for you to leave, because he will eventually convince you that he is right and that you are crap and can't cope without him. He's emotionally and psychologically dangerous, and the sooner you are out of this relationship the better.

He hasn't been aggressive to you but he has been very much so in your presence, which is especially concerning while driving. Is this really the kind of example you're prepared to turn a blind eye to your DCs witnessing and then inevitably picking up theirselves?

The episode regarding the muddy karate suits means he is definitely being abusive as well.

I think I can understand why you keep returning with different angles on this.

You're either living in hope that he's the exception to the rule or you're making sure it's not just you because you feel that if you make a "mistake" by leaving him, you're going to made to pay for it several times over.

Either way, you're wasting your life away with this loser and as there's no incentive for him to change, it's you who has to decide to give yourself and your DCs the happiness you deserve.

Leave, I wish I had had access to the net when I was in a controlling relationship.

I stayed for 8 years and it almost destroyed me.

Get out now.