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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told my dp today that its over...

18 replies

juicychops · 29/05/2005 21:02

The last few months have been horrible and i have felt so down and depressed and miserable. He is very selfish, lazy, he bangs on about how because he is working full time he shouldn't have to lift a finger to help around the house or help with ds. He says i don't do anything all day and that the house is always messy. We had an argument a few weeks ago cos i didn't wash his shirts to his standard so he told me not to bother doing them. Then yesterday he was getting ready for work and asked why all his shirtrs were in the wash. I told him because he told me not to do them and he totally flipped out. He then started telling me im crap at everything and cant do anything right, im a crap mum, im perthetic and ive not got a life cos im tied down with a kid. That was the last straw. I didn't speak to him all day yesterday and when i text him in the evening about why he was so horrible he just asked what the footie score was.
Today he acted like nothing had happened. When we was out in the garden i asked him why he was acting like this but he couldn't be bothered to listen. He walked off and locked me out in the garden for 10 minutes. When he finally let me in i got ds pram and took him to the park. I came back to find the house was totally locked up and i couldn't get in because dp had put the catches on the doors down. I was banging on the front door and ringing his mobile and home phone but he didn't answer. I had to break in to the house. He denied locking me out. I told him i had to ring his work to see if he had gone in early. I told them that i had to find him as he had locked me out. When i told dp this he went crazy and chucked all my stuff in a suitcase and told me to get out. I didn't go cos i haven't got anywhere to go yet. Im going to the council tomorrow.
But im wondering if im making a mistake. Dp has been texting me from work begging me not to go. I don't know what to do. If i don;t go now things will just carry on the same until the next time i threaten to leave. i need advice. sorry its a long message!

OP posts:

Janh · 29/05/2005 21:06

Where are your family, juicychops? Is there nowhere you could go for a short time - just to pull him up short and make him think about what he's doing?

Original poster

juicychops · 29/05/2005 21:08

No, there isn't any room at my mums or my dads and im definately NOT going to his mum and dads. My dad is going on holiday in a few weeks so i can stay there while they are away.

OP posts:

hermykne · 29/05/2005 21:08

go, thats my advice, have you alot of belongings in the house ?, he sounds like he needs a boot up the ar** and ringing u begging u not to go is playing mind games with you.
how old is oyur son? and does he behave himself with your son?
locking u out - outrageous in my book.

i am sorry please dont get me wrong, but i would be fuming.

lunavix · 29/05/2005 21:11

can you not ring 'shelter' is that the name?

there's womens refuges you can go to, till you sort yourself out

rickman · 29/05/2005 21:11

Message withdrawn

Original poster

juicychops · 29/05/2005 21:17

I love him but i don't think im IN love with him. but I cant imagine my life without him. but then i think 'why cant i imagine my life without him?' and i cant think of a reason. I think its the security and money situation. our ds is 4 months. Dp cant stand ds crying. He has no patience with him at all

OP posts:

hermykne · 29/05/2005 21:36

juicychops
u might just need to break apart for a wee while
men really can hae a very low tolerance to babies, and crying is their only way of communicating, men just dont get that.

i'd go and if there is no one else involved well u might just get back better and stronger

or u might have the space - hard with new baby - to mull things over in your head.

but before it gets worse, have a break.

has he men friends in simialr situations or are his mates still child free?

Original poster

juicychops · 29/05/2005 21:41

all his mates are child free and most of the single too. Im going to bed now. Need an early night just to think things through in my head before dp gets home. Il look tomorrow morning to read peoples comments. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

hermykne · 29/05/2005 21:45

juicychops
the word immature springs to mind.
dont hand around for security and money
hang around because your dp will give u the respect u deserve being his babys mum,
leave him for awhile and see how he likes it.
be bold and brave , your baby is most important next to you.

mytwopenceworth · 30/05/2005 09:28

actually, your post scared me. i think you need to get out now before things escalate. i can see warning signs and leaving would, in my humble opinion, be your safest option.

Toothache · 30/05/2005 09:34

Juicychops - My Mum has lived with my Dad like that for 30 years. She is now making moves to leave. She went to Womans AId, who came with her to the Council Housing Dept. She was declared homeless but said she would stay with me temporarily so she didn't get housed in a horrible homeless shelter. They have told her she should be offered a house within 2 months. She is still living with my Dad until then.,.... he knows nothing about it.

You will be housed MUCH quicker as it seems your DH is waaayyy more unstable than my Dad, plus you have a very young child.

PLease please please contact Womans Aid, they really were wonderful to my Mum.

fireflyfairy2 · 30/05/2005 10:31

I think you shouldnt be wasting time thinking about going....just go NOW!

Who cares if he's texting you, he's playing power games with you, seeing if you'll do what he wants once again!! I think it was a disgrace that he locked you out of the house yesterday..especially with the baby! What if you had needed to feed your baby, or change him?? I think the man is a bully and you are better off ANYWHERE except with him!

Just my opinion though!

Carla · 30/05/2005 10:52

juicy, do you want to stay with him? Or are you still unsure? It makes a hell of a difference.

Original poster

juicychops · 30/05/2005 19:39

Me and dp had a talk today about the situation. Im giving it one last go. Ive told him exactly what i think the problems are and what i want him to change and he has told me what he thinks i should change. Im doing this mainly for my ds but also for me. I do love him and i want to know ive tried as hard as i can to make this work for ds sake. If in a month or so it still isn't working and things are the same then i will definately have the strength to leave because i know i would of given it my best shot. I hope things change and he starts acting like a dad and a boyfriend and a 22 year old not a 10 year old. I really want us to be happy together

OP posts:

fedupandwantout · 31/05/2005 07:41

Please be careful juicychops. He does sound very abusive and that is one thing that abusive men say when they are asked to change - that you must change also. When an abusive man says that, it means that he is not acknowledging that his actions are wrong. I'm going through a similar predicament right now but I definitely don't want to be with him and I'm gathering my strength to leave.

You might find he will be really nice for a bit (what the experts call the 'honeymoon' period) and you'll think he's the person you got together with initially, but as soon as he is comfortable that you are back under his thumb he will treat you the same way again. It's a cycle - abuse, remorse, honeymoon period and then back to abuse again. When he is being nice and you bring up the abuse he probably minimises it saying its not as bad as you make it out to be. You feel like you can't live without him because of the the fear that his mixed messages give him and because you have probably fallen into the trap of being dependant on him.

Do get some books on emotionally abusive reltionships. If will really help you to analyze things and put things into perspective and help give you some inner strength. As you can probably guess from my post I have been doing nothing but reading and analyzing. Please be strong. Believe me, I know it is hard, but it's better for you and your son if you are happy and in a safe environment.

MeerkatsUnite · 31/05/2005 07:56

I would concur with the advice given to be careful.

Telling you to "change" has red flags up all over the place. Actually him "blaming" you is basically absolving him of all responsibility for his actions.

You run the risk of being so ground down by him that you become frightened to leave and then end up staying. A man like him will not do your son any favours either longer term as he learns from him too. He will go on to learn that it is okay for his mummy to be treated like rubbish and that it is "okay" for a man to behave like this towards his partner/wife.

Perhaps subconsiously you might be feeling that if you "change" to suit him you can all be happy again. I would say that you cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

You need to consider what your DPs relationships with his parents are like; if he has seen violence and abuse previously in their relationship then he is following a well established pattern.

Caligula · 31/05/2005 08:35

What exactly does he say you need to change?

fedupandwantout · 31/05/2005 08:45

I really reccommend that you see a counsellor. Go to your gp and get on the waiting list for one. You can also have sessions at relate by yourself or with your p if you wish. The top rate is £40 - however they can consider your circumstances and you can pay less if you can't afford that. I am currently paying £15. I started going with my h (as well as being abusive he had an affair) and after the third session he was being so verbally abusive that she asked him to leave. She then said that it was ok for me to leave him and I am going to continue seeing her by myself. CAT me if you want - I would be only too happy to help you.

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