Do you give DH "permission" to go out?

[UnquietDad]

Some friends refer to it this way and DW and I think it's a bit sad. (Both in the sense and the "loser" sense.) We often go out - separately - and the rule is, you write it on the calendar. That's all.

It's quite likely that it will be casually discussed both before and after, but really, this idea of men getting "permission" from their wives... grow some balls!

what I'm astonished by is that it never occured to me or DH that a family calendar was a good idea. That would make this kind of planning SOOOO much easier.

It's just a vocab thing though I think. I mean, we're all saying "God, no - we don't ask permission, we're not neanderthals - we just check it's OK". And there isn't much of a difference there, is there?

dh and I both have google calenders and we can see what we are both doing.

Nope in fact I positively encourage him to leave me in peace go out

Yes there is a fundamental difference. Checking with each other implies a partnership of equals. Asking permission implies an adult and child relationship. And if men can be like children that leaves the woman to be the grown-up - and grown-ups take responsiblity.

I would be cross if DP just wrote that he was going out on a calendar and not mention it to me first or just check if I was ok with that first.

Think it's different if you have older kids that don't need a lot of attention but when you have a little baby or high maintenance toddler running round who can give you hell on earth at home, it is nice to just agree things together and make sure everything is fair and nobody is being dumped on.

What if you have a DP who writes on the calendar "Out with mates" every day??

I think some men will rely on their wife to say no rather than figure out if what they are asking is reasonable, make her 'in charge' so they don't have to be. DH has been known to go through phases of this, drives me bonkers.

Yep that was what I was trying to say wonderstuff

No. I just tell DW out of politeness as she does to me and then just go. Obviously if there is somethng else on that I have forgotten then I do not go.

Although we do not go out alone very often anyway. My last time was October 2002.

Having worked with a lot of men I find THEY use the word permission in a male jokey context as if they have an old ball and chain waiting at home for them with a rolling pin and curlers. That of course is rarely the case they just like to talk it up. What I did find disrespectful is when a night out was planned at the office at the last minute and the men purposely didn't ring their wife and tell her they would be late home just incase their wife asked them not to go out but to come home. THAT is a lack of balls.

If my DH wished to go out yes I would expect him to ensure I was happy with it just as i would never go out without making sure he didn't mind but that is because we have a child at home and one of us needs to stay at home to look after him.

But I think people call it asking permission, when really they mean checking it's OK. The implication to you, and we other right thinking people , is different. But that's not necessarily how it would play out in a different relationship.

No we mention to each other 'oh btw I'm out on ' and try to remember to put on calendar.

dh never goes out without me really, he says he does not enjoy the whole "lads" night out thing, i usually kick him out the door encourage him to the big organised things then he walks through the door 2 hours later with a pizza under his arm.

i do ask him if he minds when i go out but that is more because i go on a lot more nights out than him and think its only fair he does not feel like he is left holding the babies again, he never does mind though and is always good at making me a bacon roll and cup of tea when i feel like shite the next morning.

No, never. The word 'permission' implies that someone has to 'ask' and I'd hate to be in a relationship like that. If DH or I want to do something, we just check that there's nothing else been planned for that day or whatever and get on with it.

I think where permission has to be granted, there must be some sort of insecurity or need to control the other person. I knew a couple in the past where the female didn't allow the man to go out without her and other occasions where seeking the permission was such a palaver that it was much less hassle just to stay in. Sad isn't it?

DW's younger brother is in that kind of a relationship. They go everywhere together, even the supermarket. I get the impression that she strictly monitors who he goes for a drink with.

Once when her family were discussing a mutual female friend and I came in halfway and misunderstood, I asked "is that one of G [her brother]'s friends?" and everyone fell about laughing - the idea of G having a single female friend being utterly ridiculous.

Isn't it the same thing HolyGuacamole? DH sometimes says 'Can I go out on Friday?' and it really means 'Is there anything else going on or do you need me to be here?'. It isn't permission in the sense that I have authority over him!

Checking there is nothing else been planned that day is permission. It's asking consent whether it's informal or formal it's still permission. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

x-post with foofi.

yada - I feel the same as your DH. Never really liked the whole lads night out thing but like visiting friends and having dinner or them coming to see us at our house.

DW worries about me a bit but I am happy. She does not go out that much more than me except the odd girly night.

No, not permission but I do expect him to let me know in advance. His Outlook calender speaks to my Outlook calender.

I think that "the wife is not letting me go out tonight" is sometimes manspeak for "I could do with a quiet night in but don't want to admit it"

We never ask permission, just ask if it's ok out of courtesy. For example, DH had planned to go out last night. He rang and asked if it was still ok to go, not because he wanted permission but 'cos he knew I'd had a long day and he wanted to know if I wanted him home to take over dd. I didn't, and he went out.

we consult each other

he asks me if I mind and I say "no of course not darling"

and vice versa

The only time we 'ask permission' in any real sense is when what we want to do eats into the daytime weekend. So DH wants to start playing football again - which is basically half of Sunday every week - so he needed to know I was OK with that. Likewise if I am going for a longer run than usual and likely to be more than 2 hours or so. Daytime at weekends is family time and with 5 of us all wanting to do different things it can be quite a juggling act. But evenings are no big deal really.

MmeLindt - I think you are spot on there. It's easier to say 'my wife won't let me' than be seen to be choosing to not spend time down the pub with your mates.

DH and I rarely go out without each other, as all our local friends are people we have met as a couple. If he is going out with people from work he would always check with me before agreeing. We have a 12 month old and he would never assume it was ok to leave me to do the evening on my own after I've been with DS all day. It is very rare that I would ask him not to go - only if DS is ill or I've had a string of disturbed nights and need him around.

We have a couple of sets of friends where "permission" has to be given for the bloke to go out. In both cases it is really not just terminology for checking it out. It really is permission.

In one couple the bloke talks about earning brownie points - if he wants to go out on his bike (without his ds) he can only do it if he has enough points. There always seems to be a tally going on between them of who is "owed" time off. I kid you not, and this is between a couple who are both working in serious jobs and are very intelligent

In the other relationship the dw is very insecure and anxious about everything. Her dh is rarely allowed out at all - she worries about something happening to him, or something happening to their dd while he is out. It doesn't feel good but it has a different basis iyswim.

My dp and I find it really uncomfortable, and I get especially irritated if he is going out and one of his friends asks whether my dp "has my permission to go". I reply that I am not in charge of his decisions.

But I am lucky in that dp is considerate and would think about what my plans are, and who needs the car, before he made his arrangements.