SIL does not let her children play outside - they are pale and miserable.

[talking]

Briefly, my SIL is obsessed by cleaning.
I briefly visited her today and left after 20 minutes.

Her 4 children have been indoors all day - watching TV. They are all under 13. They have a garden and a patio.

Their mother is scared of the outside world.

The oldest has just started her period and she is having cramps. Her mother would not let her do anything today and gave me the impression that periods are an illness. She was indoors all day and I said that fresh air and walking in the garden would help.

My DH (we are married to brothers) will not say anything - despite being a medical Dr - and I have been warned off saying anything cos I will be "talked about" behind my back. The family refuse to see that there is a problem.

What can I do to help these poor children?
The mother is passing her phobia onto them.
They are already being laughed at by their peers.

You do sound as though you are hitting dead ends everywhere. Have you tried talking to dh about general fears for them and asking him what he really thinks - would it be possible to try again if you've already tried?

You mention that other people have told you things about family history. Do you think that they have noticed that things are not right? Is it possible that they could talk to your sil or bil?

I think the only people that haven't been mentioned are the emergency mental health team. I think it may be worth ringing them and discussing the situation. They may be able to give you support in some way as to how encourage them to seek help. I dont think it would count as a referral and remember they are used to people who dont recognise they have a problem - not to mention complex family dynamics.

Are the kids tubby from lack of exercise?

If they are all 'foreign' (for lack of a better word) and you are English - maybe that's just the way they deal with things?

You say:

"Inlaws (incl DH) view mental illness or needing help from an outside resource as a shame" I find this amazing - especially as you claim your Dh is a GP.... what does he do if patients come to him with depression or mental illness?? Tell them to pull themselves together?

And I don't think you have a very close relationship with your SIL either, as the times you refer to are not recent - last winter, and you refer to the same visit twice where she refused fruit etc...

IMO the best way you could have helped your SIL was to say at the very beginning how you thought she had lost weight, if she was ill, rather than go to NSPCC etc....

Much as I hate to say it, it sounds to me like your SIL may be being abused by her DH, or perhaps he is the type who likes a clean house & clean children to come home to - much like my bastard of a BIL?

the thing is though, if you get external professionals involved, then if it was me, I would simply move away from you. If they don't trust professionals, you'll just make them even more paranoid.

I recognise this a little, as I live in germany, and don't trust the mental health establishment here at all, since they kindly offered to take my (perfectly healthy) ds onto a psych ward for 3 weeks of "assessment." Nutters. But many germans that I spoke to, trusted the establishment completely, and would have handed their children over.
The lawyer who helped us to get out of this situation told me, that her job was easier in our case, because I hadnt let ds go into the hospital - usually, she is rescuing children who are already in the psych ward (once your child has been "diagnosed", as parents you lose many rights, in practise).
What I mean to say with this rambling tale is, that if a german person becamse concerned about my children, and started to inform SS/mental health people, I would run a mile.

Have her girls not had head lice yet?? Combing long hair is no joke!
In dd's class at school, nobody has short hair though I must say - long hair rules at the moment.

Another thought, do they come from a country where summer camps are the norm? If so, that might be a good idea.
Buf her eldesst is 12, I would say its only a matter of time before reality and a giant rebellion sets in.

Connie - I once complained of depression to a doctor who came from a culture where people dont seek help for this sort of thing. Her amazed response was But why? You have a husband, a beautiful baby..." As though I had just admitted to shoplifting. Needless to say, I didnt pursue it.

conniecomplaint I think you will fing if you read the full thread that the op is in a difficult situation with complex family dynamics. If you knew anything about mental illness and family dynamics you would realise that those involved and closest to the situation do not always realise what is happening under their nose. Whats more this is very common with hcps.

I think you are confusing your famiies situation with that of the ops but your post comes across as quite hostile.

NSPCC do not want details when you ring - they REQUEST anonymity from callers.

The girls are skinny - they run around at school but not at home.

Thanks Nellie .

When i was having difficulties last year, DH was not very supportive, more a case of, get on with things and pull yourself together.

SIL liked things tidy while growing up, but it's different with4 children - she's an only child. Very different situation!

Talking-it is a very complex situation, but, if neither your dh or bil are willing to intervene, i think you will have to proceed alone.
Writing to her GP is a good idea. I do think your SIL has mental health issues and OCD- cleanliness, obsessive tidyness, cleaning shoes with a knife etc. She is probably not going to ask for help herself, or admit anything is wrong. You could invlve the local Community Health Team, or SS.
Someone said, SS could make things worse, but they are there to help, and also have S Workers trained in Mental Health. They are not going to judge your SIL, but someone needs to change the situation and it seems only an outside agency can. The dc sound miserable as does your SIL.

Community Mental Health Team,that shpuld read.

All i can do is say to SIL that "I'm worried about you, you've lost a lot of weight, is there anything i can do to help". If she's not willing to reach out for any support, then there's nothing I can do.

If seeing her behaviour and her children's lack of freedom upsets me, then I have to stay away, if she doesn't want to change.

Wow talking you really sound a lovely caring person, I admire you for not letting this drop.
How about asking SIL if her oldest dd can help you a bit i.e. "Im finding dd so tiring when i take her to the park, could your dd please come with me for 20 mins just to help me a bit?" That's then maybe appealing to her that SHE can help YOU in some way? It may at least be a start to prise the children away a little bit at a time.

I've now got a stinking cold so thoughtfully given to me by DD .

Will have to let this matter drop until I'm better, but i won't let it go.