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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i've told him THAT'S IT why do i feel wobbly?

20 replies

Zebrastripes · 15/08/2009 01:13

my DH has been intermittently beating me for the past 10 + years. Last night he did it again. I've had enough but i am bloody tired. How on earth do i cope on my own with 11 year old twin girls who are about to go to secondary school? On one hand i thin i am doing them a favour by finally ditching thier dad but i feel shit by ditching their dad. Oh shit i just feel like shit

OP posts:
Tortington · 15/08/2009 01:15

its for the best yo u know it

the thing is odo you want your girls to go on to relationships thngking that thats ok?

becuase thats what you are teaching them

so good get rid hes a twat

SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2009 01:18

Are you in touch with WOmen's Aid or the local police domestic violence unit? There is lots of support out there, please make use of it, getting rid of a violent man is very hard to do on your own.

Original poster
Zebrastripes · 15/08/2009 01:23

SolidGold I have rung the police sooo many times and they have always took his side (he is very charming) i just don't trust them. Womens Aid i have nt tried. I am afraid if i went to the authorities after all this time the SS would take my girls away - i have been so very weak and one of them in particular has witnessed so much

OP posts:
thinkingoutofthebox · 15/08/2009 01:26

Well done for taking that first step. It was probably one of the hardest things you have done.

So if you try and think of that being the toughest thing...then you have done it, you've told him THAT's IT. and now things WILL get better.

You did the right thing, the girls are starting secondary school and your worried, but if it wasn't secondary school then their would have been something else that would have made it inconveniant. It's happened, don't look back.

The girls will be fine once they see you are moving on xx stay strong xx

Tortington · 15/08/2009 01:28

social services will not take your children away umless you are an unfit mother.

i dont understand the police comment - if you were beaten - you press charges.

if this has been happening over a period of time - then you are suggesting that a whole police force is against women who experiences domestic violence - which is particularly hard to believe

if you are truly committed to leaving - go to your local counciul offices and ask them to house you in a DV unit

they arent that bad - from experience.

fromt here you can get you head straight, sort out money, benefits, housing, legal situation

Original poster
Zebrastripes · 15/08/2009 01:38

His dad is ex forces, and ex police, he has a lot of friends. When i have phoned them previously all they have done is drop him at the pub of his choice (even though he has been already drunk) no kidding. I feel i have no-where to turn , he is such a charmer on the outside i fear that no-one would listen to me

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2009 01:45

Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They will listen to you. He will not be the first abuser they have encountered who can do the 'Oh my wife's stupid/mad/making it up/so horrible I have to beat her' allegedly charming men. Even if some of his nasty little pals think he is OK, quite a few more people he knows will be keeping out of it and muttering 'Tosser' behind his back. He does NOT have all the power in the world, he is NOT entitled to mistreat you and there are LOTS of people who will listen, believe you and help you.

Original poster
Zebrastripes · 15/08/2009 01:54

SolidGold you talk so much sense but i am still scared from past experience to ring anyone from authority. I am being stupid i know but he has really undermined my confidence and what essentially is right/wrong - i have just put up with for so long , if it was just me it wouldn't be a problem but i have the twins, i really don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:
Tortington · 15/08/2009 02:06

you leave for the twins

anything else is lying to yourself.

you know all that wild stuff thats pretty normal?

well its not normal

the name calling

the sly stuff
the obsessive stuff
the controlling stuff

its not about the violence
its about the control
the power

you are teaching your daughters that this is ok

don't you dare use them as an excuse

Original poster
Zebrastripes · 15/08/2009 02:15

CustardoFatJesus i am not using them as an excuse - this is it end of - however i know that they love their Daddy, just not sure how to proceed from hereonin. He has abused me but not them but thinking about it he has abused them cos he has allowed them to see him beating mummy

OP posts:
PrincessLayer · 15/08/2009 03:13

Well done on ditching him.

I think it is a form of child abuse if he has beaten you in front of your children.

Ultimately, your girls are 11 years old. They are not babies and do not need everything doing for them.

"How do I cope" is not the question you need to be asking.

"What do we do to move on?"
"What can we do to help each other"

You have to show your daughters that this is not acceptable or normal behaviour from a man, or you will risk the same happening to them.

You should not feel like shit for this, ditching him is the right thing to do.

As advised, call women's aid.

I wish you all the best. Good luck with your new and better life.

warthog · 15/08/2009 09:21

he is abusing your dd's because he's teaching them that it's ok to be with a man who hits you. is that what you want for them?

you've made the first step, now call women's aid.

0808 2000 247

NanaNina · 15/08/2009 11:36

GO ON Zebrastripes - call that number NOW. They have seen it all before and it is the most important step you will probably ever take. DO it for you and the girls.

There will be hard time times ahead but nothing to what you have put up with over 10 years.

Take courage..............DO IT!

Post again when you have done it!

SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2009 12:36

Yes, it feels scary, but think of the relief when you speak to women's aid and hear someone say, 'this is not your fault, he is a bad man, he CANNOT treat you this way, we will help you'. Because that is what they will say. He is not invincible and you can get rid of him.

screamingabdab · 15/08/2009 15:01

zebrastripes Womens Aid are not the "authorities", like the police or Socail Services. They will not judge you. They will have helped many many people who have had similar experiences to you. They will know exactly what you are talking about.

I wish you luck

screamingabdab · 15/08/2009 15:04

It is just a call. It is just one step towards the future.

Don't jump ahead too far in your mind and worry about the future. Change is very hard, but so many people on MN will tell you that it is so worth it. It's one step

BroodyChook · 15/08/2009 15:11

Zebrastripes - I have no personal experience of DV, but I just wanted to say that I think you are incredibly brave for taking this first step, and that you should be applauded for changing your, and your daughters', lives. You will be so much better off without him.

Original poster
Zebrastripes · 15/08/2009 19:27

Just a quick thank you to all who have posted - not had chance before now to get on the computer. I hopefully will have the courage to call womens aid on Monday when he is not around. Have felt incredibly 'flat' today, but i suppose it's to be expected. My girls are happy, currently thrashing each other on the wii - their happiness is what i need to focus on. Again thanks all.x

OP posts:
NanaNina · 16/08/2009 02:01

Zebrastripes - have you got anyone who you can go to stay with to show your H that you mean what you say. While ever you are in the house he will not believe that you are going to do anyhting, especially as you may have told him "That's IT" in the past.

Calling Women's Aid does not commit you to anything. You could start by getting advice/options on how they might be able to help. they will understand that it takes some women a long time to get up the courage to leave.

Can you afford to rent somewhere. You may be able to claim Housing Benefit. Not sure what your financial situation is. The other thing you could do is go to Citizens Advice Burea who could offer good advice, again you don't have to comit to anything but could get information/advice.

DO hope you find the courage to start the process but in the meantime take care of you and the girls.

NanaNina · 19/08/2009 00:54

Zebra stripes - are you OK? Don't stop posting if you have decided against leavingyour H. You still need support and it may be something that you need to plan in advance. I picked up that you didn't want to upset your girls just before they started sec school so maybe the time isn't right.

BUT thinking of you and hoping you are OK

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