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Original poster

How can I tell DP I am offended by his poor personal hygeine without hurting his feelings?

88 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 13/08/2009 09:41

I feel awful writing this but I really want to let him know how I feel, but I know if he told me something he didn't like about me I'd probably be upset.

We both cycle to work - I shower and change my clothes when I get there and shower and change again when I get home. He wears the same clothes that he cycled in all day and doesn't even have a quick wash. By the evening the smell is quite offensive! He was holding DD and when he put her down and left the room I could still smell his BO on her!

I don't seem to be able to get the smell out of the armpits of some of his shirts, despite washing twice at 60 degrees, so even when he puts them on in the morning he smells straightaway.

I have tried to gently suggest he deserves a treat because he works hard, and why doesn't he treat himself to some new clothes, but he just said he's not bothered about clothes. The other day I said why don't I get the kids ready for bed while you have a shower, but he just said oh no, I'll have one later, and then forgot all about it!

I think he's either not getting the hint or he's just not bothered about it. I dread to think what his work colleagues must think having to sit next to him all day. Its really putting my off having sex with him and I want him to know that I still really fancy him, etc but would just love him to smell clean. He's quite sensitive so if I just blurt it out I think he'll be quite upset.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 13/08/2009 16:18

"Darling you honk - go shower."

Said sweetly, with a smile on your face. Don't make a big deal of it - if one of the kids was stinky you'd tell them wouldn't you?

DH has said to me when I've come in from heavy building work 'DW you stink - you have some time before dinner, how about a nice soak in the bath' and I considered it that he was being lovely!

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 13/08/2009 17:01

I can't believe a post I've written about smelly DP has made discussion of the day!!

I've just been doing some work in the garden and as I came in realised how sweaty I was and automatically went up for a shower, thinking I don't want to be all stinky when DP gets home. I wish he thought the same way - makes me think he doesn't care about me in a way.

Thanks for the clothes washing tips too - we use non-bio as DS gets a rash from others but I maybe need to get some biological just for DP's clothes.

Will definitely say something tonight (it is very warm today so I dread to think of the sweatiness).

OP posts:
DeathbyDora · 13/08/2009 17:04

I went out with a complete stinker. AND it wasn't because he was sporty, quite the opposite. Sadly he was just a hairy European who didn't know how to wash properly.

I tried EVERYTHING. Gentle hints, buying deodorant, suggesting a shower together... I bumped into someone who used to know him from his old company and they started sniggering and told me he was known for his BO even in his old company!!

Some men don't actually WASH when they are in the shower. They don't use soap on any bits, they just think the water pouring down will clean them.

Trust me, having lived through this the only way is to just tell him. Sounds like he's not getting the hints. How you do it is up to you, jokey, sincere, serious...whatever. He does need to hear it though as it's horrid to live with and embarrassing to think what people around you are thinking. All my friends & family had noticed, they were just too polite to say anything until after we broke up!!

At least he has an excuse for being a bit whiffy! Stinky breath is my big turn off. Why oh why do men think they can go for a curry for lunch/dinner and then merrily lunge in for a marathon snog that evening??!!?

Donkeyswife · 13/08/2009 18:24

If it were me I'd just tell him. Chances are that if you can smell him so can everyone else.

My DH would think it was weird if I had to beat around the bush to tell him and not just come straight out with him.

Can't you just make a direct joke of it, like "Hey sexy, you freaking well stink - in the shower now or i;ll have to drag you there and give you a jolly good hosing down myself..."

Jujubean77 · 13/08/2009 18:36

My DH smells better than me it is our running joke that I am more sweaty than him. He is one of these lucky people that still smell of soap after a day in the office and the tube home.

Other people have larger pores and different skin and just need to be really, really on it with washing and fresh clothes. YOU NEED to say something. It is really not right that he thinks smelling good is not something for him to bother about.

He is leaving his smells on your child, that is SEVERE BO man.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 13/08/2009 18:50

Well he came home from work today having eaten Chinese for lunch and absolutely reeked of garlic sweat. I could smell him before I saw hm! But luckily because it was so bad I made a joke out of it and he realised it must be bad because I refused to kiss him until he cleaned himself up.

He is now in the bath with DS!

So it has worked this time but have a feeling I'll have to say it every day. I did also ask why he doesn't get changed when he gets to work and he said he cycles slowly in the morning and is wearing short sleeves so it airs his armpits!

As I'm not with him at work I can't really argue with that, but I said I doubt he won't get sweaty in the morning especially in this warm weather and I wouldn't like to be one of his workmates and he just sort of laughed and shrugged it off! I despair!

OP posts:
NorbertDentressangle · 13/08/2009 19:20

re: "I said I doubt he won't get sweaty in the morning especially in this warm weather and I wouldn't like to be one of his workmates and he just sort of laughed and shrugged it off!"

I would then sternly add, "no, on a serious note DH, I've noticed that you do smell so I'm sure other people have. You need to be showering when you get to work and when you get home"

Good luck!

Jujubean77 · 13/08/2009 19:32

Good Lord

picmaestress · 13/08/2009 19:37

I worked in a long standing joke to our jokey conversations about people generally being 'a bit of a stinker', and then had a way of telling him. So I'd say 'ooh, I'm a stinker today, that garlic from last night really made me wiffy, just going to brush my teeth again', and he'd take note. It graduated to the stage where I could say sweetly 'are you a bit of a stinker?' and give him a kiss at the same time to take the sting out of it.
He did get better...a bit! Be a bit relentless...

macdoodle · 13/08/2009 19:47

Oh god I sympathise - I have a lovely wonderful new DP of about 8 months now
he can be a bit lax with showers but its the teeth brushing that drives me mad
I am neurotic to obsessive on the point of teeth washing - I hound my DD's to brush their teeth all the time!
Eventually I had a very similar converstaion with him, as I could barely bare to kiss him and he is a wonderful kisser , but he was much the same , kinda shrugged and said he wasnt that bothered (well maybe not but I am !!!!),I am not his mother I am not going to nag him to brush his teeth!
Many sympathies!

ABitWrong · 13/08/2009 19:52

Many sympathies.
I live with a man who washes sometimes only once a month. He changes his underwear maybe once a week, maybe less. The smell is vile and sickening and it is very hard to live with.
I am no longer intimate with him and this is one of the reasons.
I have tried saying things, tactfully and forcefully, but to no real effect.

Belgianchocolates · 13/08/2009 20:41

Didn't read the other posts, but I just want to say that the best way to do it is to just tell him. Men don't seem to get hints. Well, my DH doesn't anyway. My DH told me right out about my bad breath . Not a nice experience, but I'm glad he told me anyway, because it's given me the chance to do something about it.

MissSunny · 13/08/2009 20:59

Message withdrawn

mrsbean78 · 13/08/2009 21:11

I sometimes tell my dh he pongs (e.g. recently after the hot weather at the end of the day, even after a shower, as he works on a site). He would tell me too..

I'm pregnant and didn't realise I had a, ahem a bit of a yeast infection starting until dh started tactfully 'sniffing' when I was changing for bed, alerting me to what my poor pregnant congested nose hadn't copped! I'd much rather be told outright than stink in front of anyone else!

mummypumpkin · 13/08/2009 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/08/2009 23:11

Like this:

Ink, pink, pen and ink,
I smell a dirty stink.
Poo, poo, poo.
It must be you.

Simples.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2009 00:30

Throw out the shirts. You are doing a lot of extra work washing his stinky clothes twice. Sit down with him and tell him you come in friendship, that he needs to be told this, that he smells, that you are sure other people have noticed, that it will keep him back at work, and it is very unprofessional. Then tell him there will be no more sex unless he showers. This should clinch it (as long as you stick to your guns).

KTNoo · 14/08/2009 00:40

Wow - you are more restrained than me. If DH goes to put his arm around me in bed and I put my head on his shoulder and get a whiff of commuter armpit, I blurt it out immediately! I couldn't leave my nose there and breathe and not say anything.

However my DH is so insensitive to these comments. Honestly you could hit him with a sledgehammer. His lack of sensitivity bugs me often so thanks for making me realise one positive thing about it!

Crablass · 14/08/2009 07:49

When he cuddles you scream

"GAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh" ,fall to the floor and roll around, waving your legs like a dying fly... muttering "stinky, stinky, always so stinky!" and refuse to get up until he plods off for a shower.

That'll get your message across I'll bet!

TarkaLiotta · 14/08/2009 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveTheCarbs · 14/08/2009 08:36

Just tell him. Men don't seem to get hints even if they are sensitive. You don't have to be confrontational about it, say it with a smile and a kiss and I'm sure he'll understand. Think how you would want to be approached if you had the same problem.

And throw out those shirts, he never will!

blackrock · 14/08/2009 08:41

We discuss it at bedtime. When one of us has washed the bedding. We are both gardeners, so if one has a problem with the other, we are brutally honest TBH. Usually in reference to the clean bed, and not wanting to get it in a mess!!

Tell him again at bedtime!

fedupintheoffice · 14/08/2009 08:51

I am one of these people.

I shower every single morning, wear expensive deodrant, change my clothes daily and have overheard people at work talking about my problem. People are quite mean though and I don't have the slightest clue what to do. Doctor (anorexic looking thing) told me in a frank, blunt way "there is nothing at all you can do you fat moose you have to lose the weight and it will get better. So i'm stuck with the nasty namecalling, the dread of going out anywhere for fear of people smelling me for at least a few years, because that is how long it will take me to lose the weight. Sometimes, it's not so simple as to take a shower. I wish it was!

MamaLazarou · 14/08/2009 08:51

My DH is generally very clean and fragrant, but lately I have had a more sensitive sense of smell, due to pregnancy, and his sweat smells more strongly to me.

I just gently ask him, 'Please would you shower before bed tonight?'. He is not offended, and is happy to comply.

(I wonder what happened to the woman who posted recently about her DH who wouldn't change his pants & socks every day)

cheerfulvicky · 14/08/2009 09:27

Sigh. I have this problem, and also right there with the pants and socks woman. My DP has got some sort of mental block about washing, he will shower once a week off his own bat, if I'm lucky. Twice a week if I ask him. He also forgets to change his clothes and undies so they can get quite stinky too. Apparently his dad was the same, and once didn't have a bath for a YEAR! It drove DP's mum mad apparently, the pair of them. I'm beginning to think they both have some degree of Aspergers, as there are other signs pointing to that. Which is obviously something for the other thread...

But, you have my sympathy. Luckily my DP doesn't have a very offensive body odour, his armpits never smell. Perhaps its to do with hormones, I dunno. But I thank gawd he isn't really BO-ish, because that would be the last straw.

I always think no woman should have to nag at her DH like he's a child, and herd him into the bath. He should be able to know when he needs a shower, its a basic life skill FGS! Sadly this doesn't always seem to be the case...