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Original poster

How can I tell DP I am offended by his poor personal hygeine without hurting his feelings?

88 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 13/08/2009 09:41

I feel awful writing this but I really want to let him know how I feel, but I know if he told me something he didn't like about me I'd probably be upset.

We both cycle to work - I shower and change my clothes when I get there and shower and change again when I get home. He wears the same clothes that he cycled in all day and doesn't even have a quick wash. By the evening the smell is quite offensive! He was holding DD and when he put her down and left the room I could still smell his BO on her!

I don't seem to be able to get the smell out of the armpits of some of his shirts, despite washing twice at 60 degrees, so even when he puts them on in the morning he smells straightaway.

I have tried to gently suggest he deserves a treat because he works hard, and why doesn't he treat himself to some new clothes, but he just said he's not bothered about clothes. The other day I said why don't I get the kids ready for bed while you have a shower, but he just said oh no, I'll have one later, and then forgot all about it!

I think he's either not getting the hint or he's just not bothered about it. I dread to think what his work colleagues must think having to sit next to him all day. Its really putting my off having sex with him and I want him to know that I still really fancy him, etc but would just love him to smell clean. He's quite sensitive so if I just blurt it out I think he'll be quite upset.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 13/08/2009 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AstronomyDomine · 13/08/2009 12:56

Just tell him. If DP's a bit stinky I just say - bit whiffy today love, had a shower recently? And off he goes (he'll tell me too if the smell-monster's paid a visit).

Thingiebob · 13/08/2009 12:58

rofl at crablass!

I really think you could just say to him that he ponks a bit from cycling and needs a shower. If he gets offended tell him not to be silly, everyone smells if they don't have a shower! Say, would you rather I told you than someone else?

It has to be addressed and really is a simple enough solution. He needs to get into a regular routine. As for the shirts, chuck them and buy new ones.

Me and my DH tell each other if we smell! He works for hours in front of a pc at home and can often get lax about hygiene, eating and all sorts because he concentrates so hard. I go in and say 'come on smelly, you need a dunk in the bath'!

glaskham · 13/08/2009 13:00

i dont think twice about telling Dh if he's a bit stinky- i often offer to 'give him a hand' if its bedtime... he doesn't do it deliberately- some days he'll shower in the morning, go to work and then wont shower before bed... if his underarms smell i can't be getting jiggy with him!! Though i very much doubt he'd tell me if i stank of Bo- luckily i shower every night before bed as i'm all too aware of stinky bodies!!

cocolepew · 13/08/2009 13:08

Tell him, tell him to wash and to use anti-perspirant.

MmeLindt · 13/08/2009 13:14

Another vote for being blunt and not beating about the bush.

DH cycles (not to work) and the cycling gear just gets smelly after a while, even though he washes it immediately on getting home.

I read on here that soaking the clothes in Milton is supposed to take the smell out but have not tried it yet as we don't get Milton here.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2009 13:17

my dh cycles to work meetings. He never cycle in his work clothes. He has technical clothing, or thin merino wool undershirts. He then goes to the toilet and get changes into suit and shirt, or how ever formal he is required to be.

He wore his thin merino shirt for over a week every day sweltering in the sun this summer. It still did not smell. It was fantastic. I did not have his laundry to do (camping) and he smelt fresh.

MmeLindt · 13/08/2009 13:25

Really, QS? I have heard about wool's self-cleaning properties but did not think it went that far. Where does he buy his merino shirts?

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2009 13:27

He bought them in London. He is there now, and the shirts are naturally with him as he only has 2, but I can ask him when he gets home. I will check the labels. They are really nice and delicate to the touch.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2009 13:28

I will just add that he is a bit of a stinker after cycling, like most men I suppose, so the shirts are miraculous!

NotPlayingAnyMore · 13/08/2009 14:01

Joking and hinting won't work - he'll think it doesn't apply to him because otherwise you'd have said so!

My XP used to cycle to work and shower there but not after cycling home! Wouldn't use deodorant because it wasn't good for him and didn't think that his hair - down to his stinky ass - got dirty after a week . He hummed

How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/08/2009 14:13

Just tell him.

DH works from home 4 days a week and often starts on calls etc at 7am so doesn't shower always before his day starts. I would always tell him if he was stinky, but I am a bit anal about things like that and I won't let him into bed if he isn't clean

He tells me if he notices I'm a bit whiffy - no offence intended or taken on either side.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 13/08/2009 14:22

Actually now I think about it, I have mentioned it more bluntly before. He had tried to cuddle me and with my face near his armpit I've said 'eurgh, you need a shower' or whatever, and he's just laughed and said he knows. But then doesn't actually go and have a shower.

So maybe he's not bothered by it??

He does shower every morning but doesn't seem to realise that showering and then cycling straightaway means he'll get smelly again. I just don't think he cares.

I'd actually love it if he wore aftershave (just a subtle one) but he says it makes him sneeze.

A man at work stood near me the other day and smelt lovely and made me realise how unpleasant I find DP's smell. (disclaimer - I don't fancy the man at work, just briefly enjoyed his smell!!)

OP posts:
bodiddly · 13/08/2009 14:22

I recently had a similar situation with my dp and being blatant was the only way to deal with it to be honest. A couple of times I pointed out how a friend of his had really bad BO which he acknowledged. I then made a joke of it and said God you stink .. you smell as bad as X ... go and have a shower! Pretty light heartedly and good naturedly though. He does shower every day without fail at least once .. maybe even twice but does quite pysical work and so does get smelly at times. He is much much better now though ... I even stuck his t shirt under his nose after it had come out of the wash to show him how bad they had been!

bodiddly · 13/08/2009 14:24

iwouldgoouttonight .. what if you were to buy dp the roll on/hard stick kind of deodorant in the smell of his favourite aftershave .. dp and I both sneeze with perfumes but can tolerate the Cool Water or Bulgari type deodorants .. and he smells soooo much better!

Cosmosis · 13/08/2009 14:30

Another vote here for merino cycling clothes, they are fab, and will stand a lot of wear.

I also think you need to tell him nicely, but bluntly. Men are generally not good at getting hints.

Merrylegs · 13/08/2009 14:31

"I feel awful writing this but I really want to let him know how I feel, but I know if he told me something he didn't like about me I'd probably be upset."

But he's not you, is he?

Just tell him.

"You are totally fantastic, my lovely, but you would be even lovelier if you showered more often, especially after cycling, because you don't half whiff. Honestly."

LittleMissMummy · 13/08/2009 14:32

you have to just tell him straight as your hints aren't working, although given he is an adult he should realise that he would need a shower after exercise.

when my dp comes home from playing 5's he tries to cuddle and kiss me jokingly as he's all sweaty and smelly - I just tell him to get his butt in the shower, I couldnt imagine him coming to bed without having a shower.

I agree with the others - you owe it to him to be honest. You say he is worried about his appearance but if someone at work approached him about it, would it not make him worry and be even more self concious about his appearance?

Sheeta · 13/08/2009 14:40

Please tell him straightaway.

There was a really stinky guy at my last job, it was almost unbearable during the summer.

I have this with DP, and also get the gross armpit t-shirt thing. Started using bio powder and a LONG wash for his clothes and it's helped a lot. The really stinky ones had actually gone crusty under the arms though (vom) so those went in the bin.

Oh, and Mitchum anti-perspirant is very effective.

PotPourri · 13/08/2009 14:52

No easy way to do it - but the fact is -you need to just tell him. You can dress it up and tiptoe around it for years, of you can just get it sorted.

I think you just need to say that Crazydiamond has struck exactly on what you shoudl say. Remember, you are doing it because you find it offensive, your DD will find it offensive in time (and will just say it!), but worst of all, his colleagues and friends will also find it offensive and may avoid him, or be cruel etc. REmember, that if you had bad breath or BO you would expect him to tell you, because he loves you and he cares about you. Yes, it would hurt, but it would be the right thing for him to do. And the same applies the other way round.

Good luck. Trust me, you will not regret doing it in the longrun!

PotPourri · 13/08/2009 14:54

Meant to say - make sure you use biological soap powder. But there wil be some clothes (and maybe towels from his rare showers) that need binned and will never come clean. Wash as hot as you can get away with and with prewash if possible. Also, a bit of vinegar instead of fabric softer helps strp out smells.

IlanaK · 13/08/2009 15:08

My dh cycles to work each day. In his old office there were no showers, but there were enclosed cubicles with toilet and sink. He did not shower in the morning before leaving, but he wore cycling clothes, and used a flannel to have a good wash when he got there and then changed into his suit. When he got home, he did not shower straight away as we had dinner ready on the table, but he always changed out of his cycling clothes and then once the kids were in bed he showered. No way would he come to be without showering first. Cycle clothes get washed daily. At his new office, there are proper showers. And he says there is always a queue for them in the morning because he is not the only oen cycling.

No way would I put up with him being stinky.

thatsnotmybelly · 13/08/2009 15:52

How odd.

Just tell him.

"Poooooh! You're really stinky. Go and have a shower!"

And if he tries to get in to bed, "Eeeeew gerrout! Go and have a shower. Yuck."

Or, for the more sensitive approach, "Babe, you must really stink if you don't have a shower after cycling in to work. Shall I pick up a small shower gel and shampoo next time I'm in the shop so you can have a shower when you get there?"

I cannot imagine not being able to say any of the above to my husband. The whole point of being with someone is to have someone on your team who can let you know if you have spinach on your teeth / terrible body odour / foul taste in knitwear, because they love you anyway. They act as a barrier between you and the people who may not love you, love your BO.

Pinkjenny · 13/08/2009 15:54

I agree with thatsnotmybelly. I would just tell dh he stank. End of.

NorbertDentressangle · 13/08/2009 15:57

I wouldn't hesitate in telling DP and, in fact, have told him on the rare occasion "eurgh -you've got whiffy pits".

It can't be nice for his co-workers either.

Tell him before someone at work has to take him to one side and tell him. He would find it better coming from you I expect.

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