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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really fed up

19 replies

hadachangeofname · 12/08/2009 22:40

I am fed up of people telling me that my DH is such a nice guy, when they have not been married to him for the past 10 years and had to put up with his shit. This includes all but 3 on the list of abusive behaviours given out by woman's aid. And been told by relate that can't counsel as it is abusive relationship. Just had yet someone else telling me what a nice person he is, someone who has never met him and who was told what he was like by someone who spent about 4 hours with him spread over a weekend. Just don't feel I have the energy or inclination to argue my case again, nor should I.

OP posts:

K999 · 12/08/2009 22:41

I had the same with exh....but I knew what he was like...in the end I left. You deserve better...

ridingjoker · 12/08/2009 22:43

my ex is "mr perfect"... till i left and everyone found out what he was really like. me leaving brought down his image. he got caught out. they always do...

Spaceman · 12/08/2009 22:46

Is it physically abusive? Who's helping you? It's difficult because men are VERY good at masking bad behaviour. I have had similar experience as you; maybe not to the same extreme; but he dished out emotional abuse and volatile tantrums for months when I first had DD. Our social group would never want to believe it (except one or two that is).

MavisGrind · 12/08/2009 22:46

Another one here saying get out. I know that people will think my ex-H is life and soul of the party, such a great guy etc but you know what, if it's shit behind doors then get out. 10 years of an abusive relationship maybe hard to extricate yourself from though. It just becomes your reality and it's hard to see a different sort of life. Loads of threads on here to take inspiration from. I know I did!

You deserve to be happy. Good luck.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 22:51

You have to leave him, not just physically, but emotionally. It's really, really hard, but you can retrain yourself not to care what HE thinks of you, or the people he surrounds himself with think of you, or your relationship... their opinions can become as meaningless to you as your cat's horoscope...

HOnestly. this from somebody who two years ago cried tears of frustration and rage because my x's mtoher didn't believe my version of events (they were true, but of course she believed her son, I can shrug it off now).

Original poster

hadachangeofname · 12/08/2009 22:58

Not physically beaten me but has physically caused me pain, broken my stuff, thumps fist down on table hard when angry, shouts, dirty looks, silent treatment etc. I feel like my life is a wreckage that I need to walk away from.

OP posts:

K999 · 12/08/2009 23:00

Its all just about power and control and at the moment he has all that....take control of the situation and leave....

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 23:01

do, walk away from it... everybody says that escalates to physical aggression, and I didn't believe it.. But in my case it did. And I didn't even leave the first time. I should have left earlier. I walked away with the clothes on our backs and I haven't regretted it for a second. He used to yell at me, "if you leave, I'm never taking you back".... and weirdly, that did used to frighten me back then, like I'd be cutting off some marvellous bridge! ha ha.

hatesponge · 12/08/2009 23:06

You have to trust your own opinion.

It's so frustrating when everyone thinks your DH is great and you are mad for not agreeing, I know as I've been there, even when I told some friends what Ex did, they still all thought the sun shone out of his arse & couldnt understand why I left him.

Since I did leave however he has shown his true colours, not just to me, and others now see that he's not what they thought he was.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 23:09

It's true,,,,,,,, somebody somewhere will be the new recipient of his true colours when you leave.

mamas12 · 12/08/2009 23:44

Another one here.
I recognise the if you leave statement and being scared too. WTF!
People will see him for who he is right enough but it was hard when I left him they all wanted to know what happened. How do you explain EA in one sentence to someone who thinks he's charming!
Get some support for yourself. I had a couple of good friends who knew and had witnessed his behaviour so was prepared on my behalf.
You don't have to explain anything until you are ready though.

Original poster

hadachangeofname · 13/08/2009 09:55

Yes, I have witnesses, it's just that I feel like I'm fighting the whole world. They don't like the idea of us splitting, but they don't have to live with him. I'd never have married him if I hadn't thought he was a nice guy, or thought that he would not be nice to be with once married. In fact, to a large extent I have worked with him to maintain his image, sticking up for him when he became aggressive with members of my family or when a few people said they didn't like the way he'd spoken etc to me.
I guess I just have to rally my strength. thanks for your support.

OP posts:

nje3006 · 13/08/2009 09:59

hadachangeofname - you can do it. Gather your strength. I don't know if you want to try and stand up for yourself more and stop defending him when others mention his behaviour. He keeps doing it b/c he can. If you pull him up on his behaviour, walk away, remove yourself I don't know whether he could change? Or do you feel you would be at risk physically if you did that - that he would turn nasty?

Lemonylemon · 13/08/2009 10:51

"They don't like the idea of us splitting, but they don't have to live with him."

Exactly.....

Read the thread titled "Right, everyone listen up" or similar - you'll know what to do. You'll get plenty of support here!

Supercherry · 13/08/2009 12:01

Abusive men are usually charming to the outside world, they are evry much in control of their behaviour so that only you, their partner, gets to see it.

I recommend you read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft, I'm about a third of the way through it and it's brilliant.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 13/08/2009 12:14

hadachangeofname.....

you say you feel like you're fighting the whole world, but you are only fighting the rest of the World if you enter yourself into that fight.

I agree with lemony, you need to 'announce' it really assertively. "I am leaving this relationship, it hasn't been good for me" and if that's met with 'oh but he's so funny, so dry, so sociable' blah blah... don't even bother your self to try and justify your right, your total and absolute RIGHT to leave by explaining it any further.

Repeat, dripping tap style, "I am leaving this relationship, it hasn't been good for me". Resist the temptation to elaborate.

If you enter into debate about the whys and wherefores, it undermines YOUR right to make this decision alone and it feeds other peoples' delusions that their opinion on your relationship (even from your perspective) is valid or relevant!!

waitingfornemo · 13/08/2009 12:17

hadachangeofname, I have no experience of abusive relationships so can only imagine what you are going through. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your dh, you are they one who has to live with him.
Would it be easier to avoid discussing him with others? Just say nothing if people say how great he is?
I know how frustrating it is trying to explain things to people who just won't/can't see the truth. I think when you open up to someone who doesn't understand it can make you feel worse than if you never said anything at all.
Would counselling just for you give the strength and support you need to leave this awful situation and ignore the opnions of everyone else?
As others have said, thay will probably see through him eventually

cestlavielife · 13/08/2009 12:40

second the read lundy bacroft.

also not relate - but you should go to counselling on your own. that will help you to see where youa re and make decisions. it helped me tor ealise i did have a choice to leave. regardless of what anyone said or how "good" he was supposedly with the dcs.

if he is so good and nice and resonable etc then he will understand why you want to separate wont he? and you and he will sit down and make amicable arangements re: the children...

but i am betting it wont be like that....be careful once you start standing up to him,.

keep a diary/log of his behaviours.

see a solicitor re: legal rights to house finances etc.

NicknameTaken · 13/08/2009 13:29

hadachange, I think this is a sign of real growth in you - you're tired of colluding with him to present a positive image. Sounds like you're getting stronger and clearer.

When you leave (I'm not saying if!), and people tell you he's great, just smile sweetly and say "Well, he's back on the market if you're keen!"

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