Sorry this is a long story, have tried to keep it as short as possible -
H has decided he doesn't love me any more, our home life is "mundane," I spend all his money(!) and that he thinks he wants to divorce me, as we "don't make each other happy" although hasn't decided for certain. It's got slowly worse since dc2 arrived, almost 2 years ago. To complicate things, dc1 has mild SN which H has always been in denial over, and has never shared the worry, or work to help dc progress. He has belittled my anxiety over him, to the extent that I've tried to bury it and deal with it alone.
We currently live near H's parents in a remote area and moved here when dc1 was little. H then relocated with his job back to where we used to live (he led me to believe that a company sale would result in a payout for us which would clear our mortgage and enable him to work part time on a permanent basis within a couple of years). He now works away 4 nights a week, has a very senior position with lots of corporate perks and also has interest in a business near our home, which has prevented us all from moving, as he totally refuses to sell this. I know it sounds crazy but I've supported him because I believed he had our best interests at heart, and that hard work now would lead to a better life for us all in the long run.
He's tried to juggle all this for two years while I've slowly gone under trying to manage the children alone. In 2008 he took only 10 days of leave (including bank holidays and full weekend days) all year. My family are a very long way away, and have been very worried but too far to do much to help in a practical way. My IL's have never once offered to have the dc's for me and MIL once told me when I was upset about dc1's health issues that I needed to get on with it, it was "all part of having children."
To make everything worse, it emerged last month that H had been having an affair where he now works. I would never have found out if the OW's H hadn't been on to it (it's all happening hundreds of miles from here) and I'm certain H now has a plan to be with the OW once we've separated. She's now left her H. H's family believe his denials of the affair and (other than a couple of siblings) are starting to close ranks against me, despite our previously good relationship.
H now wants me to move to live near him where his main job is, he says he wants to be hands on and supportive with the dc's (he has never been so far while living with them). I want what's best for the dc's, but can't help thinking that I will struggle in an area where I have no support (other than him), where I'm still hours from family and close friends, and if he then gets together with OW, it will be unbearable to try and stay friends. What I want to do is move near my family, to have support with dc's condition, to make contact with old friends and to be somewhere familiar while I get back on my feet, but this would make it hard for H to see them regularly unless he really makes the effort.
Am I being unreasonable? Should keeping the dc's near their father be the main goal, even though I'd be miserable? Please give me your honest thoughts.