H wants a divorce. Struggling to cope. AIBU to be considering moving the dc's back home - but away from H?

[tiredoftherain]

Sorry this is a long story, have tried to keep it as short as possible -

H has decided he doesn't love me any more, our home life is "mundane," I spend all his money(!) and that he thinks he wants to divorce me, as we "don't make each other happy" although hasn't decided for certain. It's got slowly worse since dc2 arrived, almost 2 years ago. To complicate things, dc1 has mild SN which H has always been in denial over, and has never shared the worry, or work to help dc progress. He has belittled my anxiety over him, to the extent that I've tried to bury it and deal with it alone.

We currently live near H's parents in a remote area and moved here when dc1 was little. H then relocated with his job back to where we used to live (he led me to believe that a company sale would result in a payout for us which would clear our mortgage and enable him to work part time on a permanent basis within a couple of years). He now works away 4 nights a week, has a very senior position with lots of corporate perks and also has interest in a business near our home, which has prevented us all from moving, as he totally refuses to sell this. I know it sounds crazy but I've supported him because I believed he had our best interests at heart, and that hard work now would lead to a better life for us all in the long run.

He's tried to juggle all this for two years while I've slowly gone under trying to manage the children alone. In 2008 he took only 10 days of leave (including bank holidays and full weekend days) all year. My family are a very long way away, and have been very worried but too far to do much to help in a practical way. My IL's have never once offered to have the dc's for me and MIL once told me when I was upset about dc1's health issues that I needed to get on with it, it was "all part of having children."

To make everything worse, it emerged last month that H had been having an affair where he now works. I would never have found out if the OW's H hadn't been on to it (it's all happening hundreds of miles from here) and I'm certain H now has a plan to be with the OW once we've separated. She's now left her H. H's family believe his denials of the affair and (other than a couple of siblings) are starting to close ranks against me, despite our previously good relationship.

H now wants me to move to live near him where his main job is, he says he wants to be hands on and supportive with the dc's (he has never been so far while living with them). I want what's best for the dc's, but can't help thinking that I will struggle in an area where I have no support (other than him), where I'm still hours from family and close friends, and if he then gets together with OW, it will be unbearable to try and stay friends. What I want to do is move near my family, to have support with dc's condition, to make contact with old friends and to be somewhere familiar while I get back on my feet, but this would make it hard for H to see them regularly unless he really makes the effort.

Am I being unreasonable? Should keeping the dc's near their father be the main goal, even though I'd be miserable? Please give me your honest thoughts.

TOTR, may I just say - having followed this thread - I'm really proud of you!!! I know I dont know you, but you can read all your ups and down on here, and you can just feel the strength starting to come through now....

Don't worry about using this as a bargaining tool, soon as he sees his own solicitor, he'll get the bad news himself!!

Keep strong xx

oh thanks chickybabe! I feel like I'm using this as a kind of outlet and it's lovely that people are bothering to read it and comment!! I really hope to be able to link back to it this time next year, and say look how things have changed for me.

I chatted to a friend on the phone for hours last night, and she kept saying she couldn't believe how strong I sound now. I think the promise of change is keeping me going, I just cannot go back to being as miserable as I was. Either way, this has to lead to better things eventually. It was all so stagnant and none of my needs were being met at all.

I also feel a tiny bit proud that I've kept my integrity (so far amyway ), and haven't let his behaviour drag me down to the same level. That's not to say things won't change if I find out any more about OW though, am still livid over that and have to resist the daily urge to email her and let her know what I think of her for pursuing my H and then daring to actually come to my house...

Good news TOTR - but are you sure you need his permission to move the children away? Because if it came to it, it's incredibly unlikely that a court wouldn't award residence to you, the main carer, given that H has hardly been around in their lives. And by moving to your family, they'd have the opportunity to form a better relationship with their grandparents too...

Hi perardua, if I've been advised properly I think it's right as it was one of the few questions I specifically wanted to ask in the appointment. The solicitor seemed positive that I would need H's consent for the move as he would still have shared parental responsibility for the dc's, even though they would be resident with me.

She said even if he contested it, he wouldn't have much grounds to fight, given how he works so far away most of the week, I'd actually be moving them closer to his work, just in totally the other direction from where we live. So fingers crossed that won't be an issue anyway.. Have now totally decided that if and when we split it is the best option open to me to be near my family.

I'll stand corrected then! Good for you for making the decision - when do you suppose you'll be deciding the biggy of staying or going?

Not at all, perardua if I've been wrongly advised I'd want to know!! Will check again to be sure I've understood.

I think I've set myself a realistic target of deciding either way before Xmas, but preferably before. Relate sessions will run until mid October, but I might even know for sure before they end that's there no point carrying on with them. I really don't want this to drag on as I want to move on with my life now, but I know I'm not one for going back once I've made a decision so I absolutely have to be sure..

A "tiny bit proud"!!!! It takes a great deal of strength to keep your dignity in this situation. I'm in similar position now (although we were seperated before he found OW - even if it was just for 3 days ), and I've done the same as you - resist all the opportunities to what will essentially will come down to making an arse of yourself, and give her a great deal of satisfaction.

Do keep this in mind though, if you get through this deciding to stay with him (and boy would he be a lucky sod if you do!)

• There will be plenty more to find out about this situation. No cheating man tells his wife the WHOLE truth, no OW keeps the details to a bare minimum....he does damage control - she controls the damage if you see what I mean. If you stay - the hardest thing (after the loss of trust) is having to live the fact YOU WILL NEVER KNOW EVERYTHING. Its a sad fact but one you should be aware of and only you can decide if your prepared to live with that xx

Well I'm back after a long gap with an update (if anyone gets this far!) Computer been broken for ages so haven't been able to post at all.

We've tried Relate for a few weeks now, and basically things improved for a while but the weekend before last, H stopped making any effort and reverted back to sulky type, and I realised I had absolutely had enough of it. I don't know what tipped me, but I realised how fed up of walking on eggshells I am, how oppressive and mean he can be, and how I really really don't deserve this.

I've told my family, and they've been amazing. I am definitely planning to move back towards them which puts pressure on H, but can't be avoided. I went to see MIL this morning and she's been lovely too, I know nobody is blaming me and I don't blame myself either, there was literally no more I could do, and I just can't stay in a loveless marriage where the trust has gone. Although H denies it I think OW is lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce. She has her opportunity now, they truly deserve one another.

I am scared to death, I now have a huge move ahead of me but I've done it, and it's already brought some relief from this horrible tension. I swing from feeling very emotional to incredibly angry. Is this normal?

I'm generally against women moving their kids away from their dad, but in this case their dad is asking you to move anyway. As you have no job or friends near his new house there is no reason other than the kids to move there. Your kids have had to manage with a part time dad for the past few years so could do so for longer. I'd move to be nearer your family, unless you have a good job and support where you are. You don't mention your job if you have one.
Your priorities are support for you and your children so that probably means being nearer your family and friends if the job prospects schools etc there are good.
Your ex can travel to see the kids as he's doing at the moment, sounds as though he moves around alot so he may change where he works in a couple of years anyway.

2rebecca, no, no job where I am. I moved a long way from where I used to work and the job opportunities are incredibly limited in our area. He has been a very part time dad, and the children know no differently, unfortunately.

well it was the anger that actually spurred me on to be honest. use it to push yourself to do all the hoorid bits involved with this kind of break up. mil was ok about her gc moving away?

mil was sad about that, but likes me and realises H hasn't really left me with much choice. They travel for much of the year so can't offer the level of support I need as they just aren't there. I hope we remain friends, and they know they have an open invitation to visit. I'll probably miss them more than H!

Good luck with the future TOTR. Your H hasn't given you much choice and you have to put yourself and DC first. You are propably right about OW lurking - mens attitude and behaviour towards their DW nearly always deteriorates (sp) when an OW is lurking.

You gave it your best shot and can do no more, he has run the marriage into the ditch not you. You can hold your head high and move on to better things.

Best wishes.

thanks counting, there is so much that doesn't add up (H doesn't seem at all distressed by the split) that I can only conclude that he knows OW is waiting to fill my place. It makes me feel sick to the stomach.

Yes, it's normal - because quite rightly you know that you in no way deserve to have to deal with this. You have always played fair with him and you have been rewarded with a giant shit sandwich for your troubles.

Thankfully you are going to be okay once the initial shock is over and I dare say a damn sight happier - and the OW will get her just deserts in the form of this arse. An arse who won't be able to treat her to as many nice meals out any more as he will be handing his cash over to you. As soon as the first cheque arrives I would book a few treats and a bottle of champagne. You will be well rid.

Are you going to continue with Relate to help you through the divorce ? With or without him ?

I still feel sick when I think of the OW - I know I shouldn't because as my DH says, it means she matters when really she doesn't matter at all. It still cuts me to the core though and, I think, only time will heal that. As my therapist says, what matters now won't matter as much in six months time IYSWIM.

We have to stop obsessing about them - I still go through conversations in my head that I would like to have with her but I know, in reality, she will not be a reasonable human being (what reasonable person takes up with a married man with 4DC) and I must maintain my dignity as I have throughout. There, I'm talking too much about her now.

Thanks abedelia and counting, sorry, pc still broken so can't check and reply quickly!

I am going to give up on Relate, it was astronomically expensive and too much about feelings rather than practicalities to be much use to me. I think mediation would be more use for us together. I'm going back to the lady I saw alone before, as I need to work through how I feel and come up with a strategy to avoid walloping him!

I already feel a lot lighter now the decision is made. I'm starting to realise what a total cock he has been to me -( at the shit sandwich, abedelia, it's so true) and it's difficult to tolerate him being in the same room right now. I have no qualms about taking what I'm entitled to financially, even though I get pangs of pain remembering happier times, and just wondering what the hell he's going to do to manage to juggle his jobs, OW and see the dc's. Not my problem I guess, but it's difficult to break the habit of caring.

Hi tired. I've just spent some time catching up on your threads and re-read the original one. Didn't realise OW had left her husband, or did he throw her out, seeing as he was the informant in your case? Hard to see at the time or maybe even now, but what a gift that poor man gave you. I absolutely hate to see women on here wondering why their husbands have fallen out of love with them, when I have personally never known this to happen without there being someone waiting in the wings.

You'd have gone on berating yourself, feeling like shit and all the while he wasn't being honest with you. From your threads, your H sounds like the sort of man to whom "status" and others' perceptions of him, matter a great deal. As much as you can, expose him for the fraud he is now. I guess you now know this went far beyond a "blurred friendship".

You will feel utter venom and contempt towards the OW, but Abedelia is right. Your H has deep character flaws and, if you read that book by Shirley Glass I recommended, those cannot be changed. The infidelity is simply a manifestation of those pre-existing flaws. Take comfort that those flaws are now HER problem. I hope they both rot in hell.

He has messed with your mental health throughout all this and although in general, I would never recommend moving kids miles away from their father, your circumstances are different. It sounds as though he has always been a very part-time father anyway and he'll just have to travel a bit further now to see them - big deal.

You are in need of much overdue support and tender loving care. You've been battling for years it seems with a distant, physically and emotionally unavailable husband and coping with major life changes at the same time, not least your child's difficulties. Although well-meaning perhaps, it doesn't sound as though his family have ever given you much support and you absolutely need that now.

Take the unconditional love you can get now from your family. Move nearer to them and start a new chapter of your life. Your relatives can also spend time nurturing your children's feelings post-separation, but my guess is that, being as resilient as kids are, they will be so excited moving and being near their other grandparents, they will thrive.

I hope you thrive too, Tired and I'm sure you will.

whenwillI, what a lovely, thoughtful post.
Thankyou for taking the time to read through my saga! I feel like I've been on such a journey and MN is my diary.

Re OW and her XH I think it was mutual in the end - she left the family home after he exposed their affair by contacting me. She was livid at being caught (as was H!) as I think it chucked a metaphorical bucket of water over their seedy little trysts and took the romance out of it. She is still on the scene, and given that he is hundreds of miles from home, there isn't much I can do. I've given up torturing myself about what they might be doing - it's no longer my problem. Her XH seems lovely, and I've had a few conversations with him.

I feel surprisingly calm and strong right now, I have no doubts that I'm doing the right thing. H is a flawed man, and I pity him, but I can't fix him. I'm determined that this doesn't scar me and stop me having a functional relationship in future - easier said than done, but fingers crossed.

He's getting nasty where the dc's are concerned, as he knows he can't prevent me moving, he's now told me he intends to file for sole custody (as if!!) just to put me through the stress of dealing with that. I know he doesn't stand a chance so am not giving it a moment's thought. It's such a shame it's come to this. I have family and friends ready to help if I need to make a sudden move from home, but I'm hoping we can take time to get things in place first and keep things as amicable as possible.

Hi tiredoftherain, i have just been through a similar situation to you. And i just wanted to show my support and understanding, It has been so awful, i too was in marraige with two kids under 3, and my DH decided he didn't want this life anymore. Aprenetly i killed his love! And that he wanted out.

He also has very devious, and has lied alot through out. He says there is no other woman , but i do not belive him. He like you DH always had an excuse to leave the house at night etc.

I moved in back with my dad, as my baby is only 10 months. I plan to start something soon. My mind is numb, i feel so foolish not to have seen his true character. LIke you i was very trusting

The men get to begin thier new life , and we have to pick up the pieces and look after the kids and try and begin again. I am trying not be angry.

I like your attitide, and it is inspiring. Good on you, i wish you all the best, and from experience i think i can say that time makes it easier.xx

You need to put yourself first - as then the children will benifit from having a happy mum - which will bring them comfort and support and stability.

To often we think about what is right for everyone else and frankly this doesn't work in the best interests of everyone else.

Remember you can't please all people all of the time and you are not going to be able to please your h/possexh and your children.

So put yourslef first - then as I said above things will come together.

If you move to where you have support or you move toward your h - he may still play away but with support you will make a better mum.

Hi tired, i've been in a similar situ to you - my H confessed to his affair in august and i wrote about it then. You are soo brave i really admire you.
My H moved out to give me space, 7 weeks later he is still living with his friend nearby, calling from the landline in the morning and night, to show where he is. But he does not want to move back in yet, i believe because he still works with OW and still loves her, although she is leaving for another job soonish.
I feel like i am waiting for him to fall out of love, or for her to leave. It's terrible. Dd is nearly 2, family don't know, and are over 100 miles away, like you. I don't know whether to leave or not, i really admire you for making your decision.

Megmums, I'm no braver than you, really I'm not. I just reached the stage where I thought, no more of this. Coping alone (with the glimmer of hope that I'll have a new relationship some day) has got to be easier than carrying him, and dealing with the torture of never quite knowing where I stand, and never being able to plan for the future, as I didn't know if we'd be together. A year of feeling that way was more than enough and the relief at ending that tension is unbelievable.

Once I told people it got easier and easier as their reactions told me I was doing the right thing. Counselling was brilliant for that too. Nobody in my family has ever divorced before so believe me, I was worried about the reaction I would get but it couldn't have been more supportive! Please don't try and cope alone with this, I couldn't have done, and wouldn't be coping now without some great friends.

And I am still in such early stages in this whole process, I swing from wanting to kill H for creating this situation, to being in tears in Tesco's this morning when I saw a happy older couple choosing a cake together(!!) to feeling ok all in the space of an hour. It's an emotional rollercoaster.

Found a really good solicitor this week so feel better about that. Am just trying to move things on a tiny bit at a time. It's very difficult with us both being under the same roof still, am going to plan some weekends away to give me space.

I've got counselling starting this week - on my own - i want to sort my own head out, what i want etc.. I may invite him to one if i feel that could help. When i had my assessment the counsellor said it sounds like my H is 15 years old, (he's 30), but with the emotional age of a teenager - not wanting to grow up etc.. He has a good, responsible job, but as for his personal life - well he can't cope!

Interestingly, i had a very difficult childbirth, and the counsellor said he niece had the same experience and her H also went on to have an affair. Just an idea. ?