H wants a divorce. Struggling to cope. AIBU to be considering moving the dc's back home - but away from H?

[tiredoftherain]

Sorry this is a long story, have tried to keep it as short as possible -

H has decided he doesn't love me any more, our home life is "mundane," I spend all his money(!) and that he thinks he wants to divorce me, as we "don't make each other happy" although hasn't decided for certain. It's got slowly worse since dc2 arrived, almost 2 years ago. To complicate things, dc1 has mild SN which H has always been in denial over, and has never shared the worry, or work to help dc progress. He has belittled my anxiety over him, to the extent that I've tried to bury it and deal with it alone.

We currently live near H's parents in a remote area and moved here when dc1 was little. H then relocated with his job back to where we used to live (he led me to believe that a company sale would result in a payout for us which would clear our mortgage and enable him to work part time on a permanent basis within a couple of years). He now works away 4 nights a week, has a very senior position with lots of corporate perks and also has interest in a business near our home, which has prevented us all from moving, as he totally refuses to sell this. I know it sounds crazy but I've supported him because I believed he had our best interests at heart, and that hard work now would lead to a better life for us all in the long run.

He's tried to juggle all this for two years while I've slowly gone under trying to manage the children alone. In 2008 he took only 10 days of leave (including bank holidays and full weekend days) all year. My family are a very long way away, and have been very worried but too far to do much to help in a practical way. My IL's have never once offered to have the dc's for me and MIL once told me when I was upset about dc1's health issues that I needed to get on with it, it was "all part of having children."

To make everything worse, it emerged last month that H had been having an affair where he now works. I would never have found out if the OW's H hadn't been on to it (it's all happening hundreds of miles from here) and I'm certain H now has a plan to be with the OW once we've separated. She's now left her H. H's family believe his denials of the affair and (other than a couple of siblings) are starting to close ranks against me, despite our previously good relationship.

H now wants me to move to live near him where his main job is, he says he wants to be hands on and supportive with the dc's (he has never been so far while living with them). I want what's best for the dc's, but can't help thinking that I will struggle in an area where I have no support (other than him), where I'm still hours from family and close friends, and if he then gets together with OW, it will be unbearable to try and stay friends. What I want to do is move near my family, to have support with dc's condition, to make contact with old friends and to be somewhere familiar while I get back on my feet, but this would make it hard for H to see them regularly unless he really makes the effort.

Am I being unreasonable? Should keeping the dc's near their father be the main goal, even though I'd be miserable? Please give me your honest thoughts.

Thankyou. You are all so right. I know you are. My RL friends are equally horrified but I've been so stupidly loyal to him for so long, it's a matter of retraining my brain not to cover for him all the time. He is going to lose his lovely little family, and it's all his own doing.

I need not to bottle this now, to keep making little steps and get through it. I've been miserable for ages, and kept starting a new thread every couple of months. I'm keeping this one now.

Sorry, I wasn't criticising you for starting a new thread, just wondering if it was still you.

Stay strong TOTR. You deserve better - you deserve to enjoy life, feel loved and listened to and appreciated Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. And don't go to anything you don't want to.

Spa treatments sound like a good idea

Tiredofthisrain, I'd been rooting for you to lose that albatross for ages. He was sapping the life out of you, and you are intelligent and self-aware and you will bounce back from this.

Never mind citing adultery, cite mental cruelty. He sapped you of your life blood for years... he turned you to ashes with his self-indulgence, while you were pregnant too! and he says you're spending all HIS money! I wuold invoice him for ten years worth of counselling!!

I'm two years post-leaving-a-wanker, and men aren't on the horizon nor the agenda! but life is getting better, easier, I'm more content. I have no regrets. I also moved back to be near my parents though it meant taking the children miles from their Dad. It was we needed to do.

Pick out some stock answers and rehearse them in front of a mirror. Seriously. Doing this makes it easier to do it for real - i know this myself. You have to recognise that you are a victim of emotional abuse. And turn yourself into a survivor. Please?

TOTR - I have just read through all of these posts, my heart truly goes out to you.

Somebody here on MN gave me some advice on the topic of divorce, so thought I'd pass it on as you've asked in 1 of your OP.

To divorce on grounds of adultery in this country, your H would need to sign a confession of adultery, just a 1 sentance letter your solicitor will draw up. (if he doesnt then you have to prove it at your cost) According to the advice I've been given on here - it is advised NOT to name the OW as they then become a co-respondant and have to sign confession too - this can become costly and slow ~(plus the fact, do you really want to give her the satisfaction).

But TBHWY I dont know if your quite there yet....it seems to be you've been in a controlled enviroment for a long time (away from your family etc) and now you just feel totally overwhelmed.

I know alot of people on here (who probably know more about your situation I am new here) are blasting him and telling you to get away - I cant say I disagree - but I also know that in times of weekness that can actually make you gravitate and defend H, and therefore you start to doubt yourself.

You have to do whats right for you and DC. I agree with OP's that you are being seriously manipulated here, he IS a shit/cheater/liar - he's also someone you've loved and been there for for a long time, and thats what is making it hard for you. YPlease dont blame yourself, please put your logic head on and DO get angry if thats what it takes. You sound like an amazing woman who deserves to be happy.

I am going through this and am near my family and I dont know how I could be getting through it without they're support. Do whats right for you and your DC, but dont leave it to long hun. Your kids are the right age that this WILL NOT devestate them, dont leave it as long as I have and watch they're hearts break in two xxxx

Botty, no need to apologise, I didn't take it as criticism at all! I just know that I need to get it sorted rather than temporarily burying it, and then reacting to the next blow. I'm a bit that many of you are recognising me, even though your support is lovely. Thanks maggievirgo, he is indeed an albatross, and currently a big fat one at that. Perardua, I need to practise responses and harden myself up a bit.

Tonight I tried to get him to talk about OW, as he still maintains it's purely a friendship and on that basis I wanted to know if he'd seen her at work this week and how she was getting on since leaving her H. He couldn't even last 2 minutes on the subject without getting defensive - "I've already told you this loads of times" "I've said I'm sorry, what more can I say?" etc. I don't know why I bothered. I've left him to it now, and he's working while I'm busy spending on Amazon to stock up the dc's dvd collection!

Chicky, thankyou. You are spot on. I'm very much in his environment at the moment, surrounded by everything and everyone who is familiar to him. Once I've left that I'm sure it will tip the balance so much. And sadly the dc's don't know any different as dc2 has never known him live at home. He barely mentions him other than the odd "daddy work." They love him but their real bond is obviously with me, people have often commented on that and I feel I have a really strong and healthy relationship with them. I won't let them down.

How sad this all is. Keep strong, do what you need to do, thank god your DC have you...you know your better than this.

I will give you a little tip (i'm sure you already know it just sometimes help to be reminded by someone else) the more you talk about the OW to H, the more power you give him. I know your dying to know and I know that you have the right to know but you may as well be screaming...I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE THE HUSBAND/FATHER I/WE DESERVE TO HAVE, WALK ALL OVER ME, I'LL TAKE MORE!!!!

Because basically by asking him questions, your almost accepting he's doing it - yet YOUR still there, and just waiting for him to make the desicion to go for good. I'm not even going to ask why your letting him call the shots - because I know why - I've done it too. But just keep that in mind the next time who have the impulse to ask.

xxx

I have to agree with Chickybabe TOTR, as I said in my previous posts the only time my DH came to his senses was when I packed his bags for him and took control. He then realised the grass wasn't going to be greener and what he was actually going to lose.

You really do need to take control. If you are not happy with the way his is treating you atm, ask him to leave to give you some space. Take this time to go and see you family and get some support from them. But beware, everyone will want to give you the benefit of their advice and I was seriously overloaded at times.

Good luck.

Thanks counting, have had a difficult day today. It should have been lovely, had a trip to the beach and lunch with the dc's, but I felt so empty inside. I'm trying to be strong and have avoided any questioning, even though I was bursting to ask at times. Even now, he's sleeping downstairs and has gone to bed early, and I'm wondering if he's on the phone to her.

I plan to tell my parents at the end of the month, and then I think things will move quite quickly from there. That's the biggie really. Got someone coming to value the house next week plus the solicitor appointment to focus on.

Tired - is there any specific reason you're waiting another 3 weeks to tell your parents? Couldn't you use the moral support now?

And well done for avoiding questioning. Just by not asking, you're starting to take back some of the power he's had over you.

Don't worry about the 'empty' feeling. It's perfectly natural. You start to build up a kind of carapace when you're going through the motions - whether you're doing it to stay safe or to avoid hurting the children - but all your emotions will still be there when you need them. Just keep swimming...

xx

perardua, there is a reason I haven't told them - a serious health scare for one of them which I know is greatly worrying them, and hopefully tests will show what's happening very soon. There's also been a very recent family bereavement (never rains but it pours!) so although there's never a good time, this time is particularly bad to be giving them any more stress. And believe me, they will stress when they find out, and I need not to let them panic me.

Am swimming along ok today. Saw his parents this afternoon, they were fine with me - I think they feel this will blow over, they were talking about organising Christmas theatre trips for the children. It would have been a great weekend but for the circumstances. Felt horrific last night but calmer after a night's sleep. Have asked H to go through all finances today so he knows I mean business for solicitor's visit this week. He knows I am going for the appointment - I didn't see the point in hiding it, and thought it would show him how serious this is. He's just told me our business earns a lot more than I thought, so I'm making mental notes of all figures so I'm clear on it all.

Might start looking at rentals this week so I have an idea of where I could move to. Am feeling strangely excited at the thought of moving back home, even though I haven't lived in the area for years now.

No wonder you're tired of the rain...

Good good good to all you're doing. Are you making physical notes re finances too, in case you get brain freeze at solicitors?

And don't worry about disappointing ILs - focus instead on bringing your DCs closer to your family. And that you'll be there to support them at this time... Moving home can be lovely.

Just wanted to add to what PerArdua has said about feelings about disappointing inlaws etc...

I used to cringe when I thought about what my x's friends would think, just after we split, but that passes, and fades, until you can't believe you once thought it mattered.

Your life is going to be so much easier without this DRAIN of a husband. You won't KNOW yourself!! I'm glad to hear you're beginning to feel excited. I moved to be near my parents and it was the best thing I could have done.

Thanks Maggie. I think a lot of this has been about me worrying about others will feel and perceive me. I need to let that go now or I'll spend my life unhappy.

Two big things have happened today- got the house valued and it's not as bad as feared. We could rent it out and sell when the market picks up.

We also got a last minute Relate cancellation and went tonight. I really wasn't sure if it would be useful, but it really was. The counsellor was amazingly perceptive, very tough and straight talking -exactly what was needed. She questioned H about OW, his feelings and all sorts and didn't let him wriggle out of anything. I have no concerns that he will manipulate her into seeing his point of view, I felt she really has his measure.

It went into whether we have ever been right together, which was an uncomfortable concept to think about but may help me understand what has happened and get some closure. Either way, it's opened up more honest communication and although I'm not expecting any kind of magic fix, (tbh I'm not sure I would want one at this stage) but if it helps us end things more amicably for the dc's sake I think it will be worth it. I'm really not sure that there will actually be anything salvagable but think I need to complete the course of sessions (5 more).

Is this insane? I'm honestly still feeling strong about looking after myself, and am not actually hoping that this will fix anything, I just feel it's a process I need to see through.

For me TOTR, it was a sense that I had done everything possible to make the marriage work or at least end it well if that makes sense.

The sessions will help you understand what went wrong, examine both your feelings and how to move forward. Have they suggested individual sessions at all?

counting, that's it, I think. Despite all of the above I do need to feel I have given this everything I can. I think I'm strong enough to deal with this now, I'd have sobbed my way through it a year ago. And also I was fascinated to watch H sit in a room and be unable to avoid giving his side of things. Apparently OW listens to him, whereas I don't always. Easily done when you have chance to have a nice dinner out together without the responsibility of dc's..

I'm not under any illusion that the problems are all from him, but it quickly emerged that I've been doing all the running to save the marriage for a long time. The counsellor said he was behaving like a child, and I was stepping into the parent role for all 3 of them and not taking time to be my own person. I can think of loads of times when I've felt this happen.

She also got started on his unhealthy attitude towards ds1's issues. I am really looking forward to seeing what she makes of that. H admitted that he had been dismissive and thought I was over reacting. It was interesting that at the end she told me of a remedy that she's heard of which may help ds, I wonder if she will pick up that H shares similar traits.

Separate counselling sessions have been suggested so we may well do this. It's good that the sessions are a good half hour from home too, so we get to talk in the car on the way home. I don't think we've talked this much in years.

That sounds really positive TOTR - and good for you for the attitude. Looking forward to hearing more good news for you over the next few weeks

xx

Sounds like my DH TOTR, behaved like a 5 yr old all his life, never grown up properly due to dysfuntional childhood. We also have DC with SN's and that always places more pressures on couples.

You never know, all may not be completely lost, he may have a "road to Damascas (SP?" experience.

Good luck.

He moved away from his wife and children while you were married, now he wants a divorce AND for you to move closer to him and his girlfriend so he can finally be a hands on dad?

What a fucking bastard.

You would be mad to even consider it.

Petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery, and move to your family.

Quintessential, I hear you! That's exactly what the old me would have said straightaway and does keep piping up with now, and I need to listen to that.

Part of the Relate homework is to keep a diary. I've never been a diary kind of person but feel like writing this all down now might help me get it straight, and also in the future to look back and thinnk wtf....

I think my real fear in leaving him is that I'm worried that I'm damaged, I might have intimacy issues (due to very mild childhood issues) which is probably why I was drawn to him in the first place, and that I'm now incapable of a functional relationship so this will be as good as it gets for me. Plus who in their right mind would want to take me on now? And I know that isn't particularly rational but that's honestly how I feel. Nobody in RL would ever guess this, I don't have a problem with making or maintaining friendships at all.

Been to solicitor today. I now know I won't have any financial worries if we divorce, one of the only plus points of him being a workaholic is that he earns well at least..

And I'd need to get his consent to move the dc's away, but I could take him to court to get it and I have a very strong case in favour of doing so. Plus I actually qualify for Legal Aid so don't have to panic about being stung for fees.

So now I feel a little bit clearer about where I stand, and know he really stands to lose far more in all this than I do, emotional turmoil aside. Have started my diary (plus updating this thread), it is really helping.

It will be interesting to see how he responds to you taking control and calling the shots .

I know! I suspect he knows he stands to be stung financially, but I hadn't anticipated how much I'd get as a minimum. He will have to buy me a suitable house outright, plus provide maintenance etc. I think the flash car he had planned to buy may have to wait a while

The thing is, while I have this knowledge I have more control but I really don't want to use it as a bargaining tool so I'm not sure I'm going to go into the finer details with him. Either he actually wants to change and us have a totally different relationship with the children and me, or he doesn't, and money shouldn't be an influencing factor in him making the decision (irrespective of how I feel, I'm still leaning towards going anyway). It just brings me more peace of mind that we won't be out on the street and the dc's will be well provided for.

It is probably very wise to keep your cards close to your chest. I'd be inclined not to give him any idea of how you want to proceed - just sit tight and wait, there is no immediate hurry. It gives you more thinking time, let the initial shock, anger, raw emotions etc ease and make a decision when your head is straight and the dust has settled. You really do hold all the cards and that should give you strength to deal with all rubbish that may come your way.

Good luck.