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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like my life is on pause.

20 replies

BertieBotts · 01/08/2009 22:04

I'm not happy with my DP and I feel like my life is on hold until I can get out of this relationship, but I am scared and don't want to go through the process of ending it, it just seems easier to carry on the way we are. I am just sad because I know deep down I deserve better and so does DS.

Sorry there is not much in this post, just wanted to write something. I can give more info if anyone wants to talk.

OP posts:

sandyballs · 01/08/2009 22:05

Tell us more about DP,it's hard to understand your situation otherwise.

Original poster

BertieBotts · 01/08/2009 22:17

OK, where to start! He is quite manipulative, controlling. I don't think he realises or does it on purpose but I have stopped thinking that that is a good enough excuse. He just has no respect for me, it's evident in the snide comments about everything, the fact he swears at me during arguments, gives me no emotional support unless I am literally crying and even then, he is not very helpful.

He has gone out tonight night fishing and wants to stay out all night and I am feeling so free - which made me realise all the little things that bug me every night, we always have to have the telly on and what he wants to watch, I have enjoyed the peace without it! I haven't missed his help with DS as he never does help anyway. DS went to sleep easily without the TV on and we both ate at a reasonable time - we often don't eat until late and DS often ends up with a milk feed instead (he is 10 months ) I haven't had to listen to him ranting and swearing about anything and I haven't been badgered for sex. I can go to bed as early as I want because DS is already asleep, or as late as I want without worrying that he thinks I am avoiding him.

OP posts:

PrincessToadstool · 01/08/2009 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BertieBotts · 01/08/2009 22:32

With DS he is good when he is in a good mood. If he is stressed and/or DS is tired/hungry/being a normal child and getting into everything he is impatient with him and I don't like the way he speaks to him. I have tried to tell him but he doesn't listen at all. He wouldn't hurt him but he is pro-smacking and I am anti it so am not looking forward to that discussion when DS is older. And that is another reason why I am worried about leaving because DS would have to go and stay with him alone - at least here I can step in if he is being too strict.

We were together 9 months before I got pregnant. We both lived with our parents and we moved in together by a few months in (at my mum's) then we got our own place when we had been together 7 months.

Argh please talk me down, I am looking at my ex's facebook profile and trying not to message him (we did speak briefly a few months ago as friends, but I am missing him so much at the moment and am just starting to realise I don't think I was as over him as I thought when I got together with DP)

Hope that makes sense!

OP posts:

Original poster

BertieBotts · 01/08/2009 23:24

sorry he is home ant talk

OP posts:

Original poster

BertieBotts · 02/08/2009 20:01

OK he is out again now, but not sure when he is due back. DS has just woken up after 2 hours in bed . Would still like to talk about this if anyone is around.

OP posts:

tiredofthisrain · 02/08/2009 20:04

hi bertie, I'm in exactly the same position, it's horrible isn't it? I'm now reaching a stage where I want to force a resolution as the continual stress of living like this is starting to make me feel physically sick, shaky and my hair is even starting to fall out.
I think if someone could give me a guarantee I'd be ok, I'd leave right now, but I keep wondering if I'd be able to cope with the children. Stupid really, as I've been doing it all without support for ages anyway.

ilikeshoes · 02/08/2009 21:09

I really feel for you i have recently seperated from partner who sounds just like yours, 3 weeks yesterday, i have a son, i did not want to end it for obvious reasons, but also felt i deserved better, and i wasnt prepared to waist my life, it has been really difficult, both financialy and emotionaly, but i have joined sports clubs have lots of freinds, and are really glad that i made the decision to end it now, i would rather be alone and a bit misserable than have someone else constantly make me misserable.xx

Original poster

BertieBotts · 09/08/2009 14:06

Hi, thanks for posting, sorry I didn't get back to the thread before.

It's not so much being on my own that I'm worried about - I think I would probably be much happier I just wish I could end it without hurting anyone and I don't want to start the whole process of ending the relationship. We are not married so no divorce or anything but I can just see a lot of arguments and stress over money, living arrangements, then bitching about friends and about why I want to leave and whose fault it is... it just seems like a whole load of stress to go through.

OP posts:

ilikeshoes · 09/08/2009 19:31

Well it is stressfull, but its temporary stress, only you no what to do, i suppose you have to think about wether you could be happy with him? or wether you would be happier on your own, i personally could not stand waisting my life on some one who quite clearly didnt give a sh*t about me or my ds, i can do better. and so can you, its just a really hard decision to make, but i'm glad i did it, i'm having such a good time now, although a little lonely.x

Lemonylemon · 10/08/2009 11:30

Bertie - the stress for a while is a small price to pay for what amounts to the rest of your life.....

Original poster

BertieBotts · 11/08/2009 11:26

Lemonylemon that is the problem - I keep thinking I will have the rest of my life, I can afford to spend a little bit longer in this relationship...

OP posts:

Original poster

BertieBotts · 11/08/2009 11:32

I just don't want to hurt him, I feel like the way he is acting is not his fault, but I can't just excuse it when it makes me so miserable. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says he wants to change but I can just tell he doesn't, it's like he thinks saying anything just to keep me.

I know he does love me I just don't think he knows how to treat anyone with respect.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 11/08/2009 11:33

Don't waste any more of your life with this man just because you are too lazy to get out of it.

That is a pretty poor excuse to waste your life really. You need to value yourself more and leave this man. So what if it causes a bit of temporary pain? It is worth it in the long run.

Taking the easy option in life never brings the greatest reward.

Overmydeadbody · 11/08/2009 11:35

So, he doesn't want to change and yet you are worried about hurting him by ending it?

Life comes with hurt and pain.

It is not your responsibility how he feels or reacts to the relationship ending. It is his responsibility.

nickelbabe · 11/08/2009 11:44

Bertie, I'm really sorry you're feeling so low; but you have to leave.
it's better that you go whilst DS is still so young, because if you wait any longer, then it will be a lot harder to go: you can get financial help from the benefits system and if you have any friends or family, please approach them for help too.
Your DS is the most important thing in this situation and if you stay with this horrible man, you will be putting your child at risk of a dreadful life.
Be strong. xxx

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 11/08/2009 11:45

Look after your Ds and yourself. That is where your responsibility lies.

My cousin has a saying: 'Jump, and the net will open.' In other words; if you do what you feel is right ~ it will be right. You will land on your feet. Just do it!

SolidGoldBrass · 11/08/2009 12:02

It sounds very much like you would have dumped him if you had not become PG ie the two or you are not terribly suited to each other as partners anyway. It is very often a bad idea to try ot 'make' a relationship work when you have an unexpected PG. I would really strongly advise you to separate sooner rather than later, because that way you stand a good chance of separating reasonably amicably and evolving a good co-parent relationship with him.

Original poster

BertieBotts · 11/08/2009 12:36

Thanks for your support. SGB I think you are right. I don't really have any friends or family I feel I can talk to for support at the moment - I mean, I have them there for support but finding it hard to talk to them and be honest about things - but I have just phoned up and arranged to go to a small, closed group at the Children's Centre and hopefully I can talk to someone there.

OP posts:

NanaNina · 11/08/2009 13:06

Dear BB - So sorry to hear of your dilemma. I know lots of people are urging you to leave and I too think that is the only way forward BUT it seems you are not ready to take that step. Maybe you think your P will change. This is unlikely without some form of therapy for both of you and even then change is very difficult.

What were his childhood experiences. Most difficulties in our adult life stem from damage done to us in childhood and it sounds as though he may have been controlled/heavily criticised as a child which makes him behave the way he does. However you also have to think that your own child will be affected by his childhood experiences!

You say he says he wants to change -that's a start of sorts. Put him to the test and say you need counselling to help you see if it is possible for you to stay together. You also need support to help you to separate from him if nothing changes.

I can tell you from experience that he is not going to change (or more likely is not able to change) without unravelling his past and learning new ways of behaving in the present. Requires motivation, insight and determination - does he have those qualities?

Take care of you and your baby in the meantime.

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