To everyone who has replied to this thread, and to all the other posters who talked about similar situations can I just say thank you thank you thank you.
I have come so far in the last few days. It's been building up over the last while but I feel now as though I have just got to the top of a mountain.
I tried talking to DH again later that day before I went out with my dad and when I came home (I was at the theatre with dad, a Beckett play - lots of time to think)
I cam home and tried to talk.
DH got defensive as usual.
I talked to him from my perspective - I feel , I think etc. but we still got to the stage where he was angrily talking about moving out (i.e. the usual).
Then I told him about this thread and asked him to read it. As soon as he saw my first post he started trying to pick holes in it. I just kept asking him to read it all, that it was a conversation.
I went into the garden and paced up and down in the drizzel until he had finished.
He was completely in shock. Honestly in shock. He said he had no idea that this was how I was feeling because of his behaviour.
He has completely accepted that his behaviour was abusive. That he was an abuser.
We had a long conversation where we did not mention individual incidents. Just the reality that this was what was happening. He did not minimise any of his behaviour. I did not take any blame for his actions.
We eventually went to bed.
We talked yesterday in the morning and evening and again now this morning. These have been the most honest conversations we have had in the 20+ years we have known each other.
We talked about how it has been easier to let the doubts/denial take over from the shameful feelings after abusive episodes.
About how I am not going to let that happen again.
I went to my GP yesterday with my youngest dc. I told him what had happened.
He immediately talked about anger management. I said no - this needs to be more than that.
I do not want a plaster over the wound, I need real healing.
I talked briefly about DH's issues including his mother dying and also that years ago a friend of his was murdered in front of him.
I know that DH feels responsible for his friends death.
The GP talked about PTSD.
During our conversations (myself and DH) I felt that he was afraid of talking to a counsellor. I told him that I knew that he felt responsible for his friend's death.
He also told me that it was also because of his mum's death. He told me that if I knew the things he was afraid of talking about that I would hate him.
He has understood that this is going to be his journey, I cannot fix him.
He talked about his behaviour being self-obsessed, about how he had never honestly taken responsibility for his own life. How he blamed everyone else except himself.
We talked about how this process (his counselling and my own) might lead us to the position where we cannot be together.
There are three options for how our lives will progress.
- Bad relationship with DW and DC, DW eventually leaves, damaged DC
- Good relationship with DW and DC
- Good relationship with DC, even if DW and himself are not together.
He has asked me to try to get an earlier appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about this.
We are both scared but I am truely hopeful.
I can say from the innermost place of my heart that this has been a series of conversations that I have never even got near having with him previously.
I have not backed down on anything, I have not promised to do anything different.
I feel that he has understood finally that this is about him.
I know this all sounds a bit scattered, but I wanted to put in down in writing.
I need to have it somewhere that I can go back to if/when I have doubts about anything.
I know this is the first step in a long process, and that we have to be honest about where it can lead us to.
Thank you again everyone for all your input.