DH's anger

[lilypuss]

his is my fist time posting (long time lurker). I'm really at a loss as to how to deal with my dh.
Little background - we have 3 dc under 4.5y.I'm a SAHM now, DH hates his work and seems to be unhappy/angry a lot of the time.
Our youngest dc wakes early every morning (9mo) and I deal with her usually until the others wake up (7.30am). At the first hint of noise dh starts shouting (will they ever fing shut up etc, for fs sake, I never get any sleep etc). Our youngest is still waking 4 times/night for food so I am pretty wrecked too. I find it pretty hard to have to cope every morning to him swearing/ranting on top of everything.
Our dc are great really (from what others say) but as with all children they squabble sometimes and are rude.
This morning, after DH has been ranting around I heard him say to ds 'I'll smash your face in if you do that again' ds had made a face at DH - the same horrible face he sees DH make when he is in one of his rants I might add.
I was shocked, I can in to the kitchen and DH tried to change it to 'I'll slap you if I see you do that again'...
We have never slapped in our house - mainly because I'm afraid of DH's temper.
DH keeps going on about discipline and how our dc will not respond to anything else - he does, but of course their behaviour is difficult when DH is ranting everyday.
How can I deal with DH?
I'm really struggling here with his moods.
I can't keep all 3 children quiet all the time.
I usually try to take the kids out of his way for a while every weekend to give him a break but it's not enough obviously.

Sorry for the rambling post - I just don't know how to deal with this and I don't want DH to lay a finger on our dc.

what if he does smash the child's face as he threatens? will that mean he is still a good dad coz he only did it once?

abusers dont abuse 24/7. they are all charm and "good" some of the time.

that is what makes it so hard to leave.

but leave you must to protect your dcs.

Lilypuss,

Re your comments:-

"I will talk to him tonight about everything. I'm not letting this go this time".

He will talk you down and blame you yet again if you do this. Its a waste of your time.

"I'm hoping that if he can talk to someone about his own issues that this might help"

He does not want help and you're frankly the last person who can help him. You cannot make him seek help, he thought that counselling was a waste of time and blamed you for it all.

"I know I'm clutching at straws a bit, but I'm not ready to tell him to leave".

If you were to tell him to leave are you afraid of his reaction?. Would he strike you again?. Is that what you're afraid of.

Yes you are clutching at straws and no you are not ready to leave - yet. But stalling tactics and delaying things further does not help you or your children who still see all this on a regular basis. What are they being taught here by the two of you about relationships?.

"I feel I need to give him a chance to help himself"

Why do you feel like that?. You are not responsible for him. You cannot rescue nor fix him nor should you actually attempt to.

"He is a good dad lots of the time (I really know how stupid this looks with respect to the above - but I can't see things in such black and white terms yet)".

You need to start seeing things in such terms and snap out of your own denial and disbelief. If he is disrespecting the mother of his children, threatens them with violence and hits you (I note he has hit you in the past, there's nothing stopping him from doing that again) then he is patently not a good Dad at all is he?. This is a view often expressed by women in abusive relationships because they themselves cannot think of anything positive whatsoever to say about their man.

You have spent two decades with this man, please do not put your self through any more of this for your sake as well as that of your children. It is perhaps only when you are fully away from him will you realise the full extent of his abusive treatment.

I really could not live with a man I could not trust in the same room as my children.

That says it all for me.

ok, Im fairly hopping here.

DH came home a bit early, looking a little shifty and not mentioning anything.

I tried talking to him a few times, with little success. He doesn't want to talk about it. He just walks off when I start talking.
I get to the stage where I'm asking him how he will make sure this won't happen again and he just says it won't and that he doesn't want to talk about it.

I don't really want to have a screaming row about it (that's crazy is it? Shouldn't I be having a screaming row?) my head is muzzy.
I've told him that even if he doesn't want to talk about it, I do and I want to know when we can (like tomorrow night?).

I said that he hadn't even said sorry and he said that he did to our dc (I told him that he had to apologise to our son), then I said he hadn't apologised to me and he asked what for. I said for swearing at me too.

Just reading that back, I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I should be screaming at him now for what he said to our 4yo dc and I should be forcing him to talk now shouldn't I? I just don't know what to do.

What do you want to happen?

Can you see that his behaviour is very dangerous and abusive?

Or do you think he'll change, if only you did XYZ or the kids were ABC and it's obviously all your fault?

Sorry you are going through this lily
That feeling when they decide they won't talk is sooo infuriationg and frustrating and done deliberately .
You are right to insist you talk or walk.
But I doubt whether he will do either. You sound afraid of him so I would really think about what you want to happen in your life to make it safer for you and your dcs and then plan it. Please tell someone in rl and it will get better for you then.

I want him to see that he has problems
I want him to go to some sort of therapy
I want his unpredictableness to stop

I do think that he can change (as I have) with help. He has had an awkward upbringing and has difficulties with his own family, which are completely unsupportive of him (and of each other).

I know now that it is not my or the kids fault. This realisation has only come about fairly recently. Up to now I did blame myself a lot for adding to his stress. And of course if the ds misbehaved or were difficult it was because I was not parenting them well.

His behaviour is not always like this, he is good with the dc usually and they do love him. But I have slowly realised that he is this bad quite often and I'm at the stage now of not being able to shrug it off. Previously I would have thought that if we both made changes (i.e. me) that things would improve. I would do more housework, have more sex with him, cook more dinners, take the kids out for the day, keep on top of the paperwork etc.
Now I have got to the situation where I'm feeding my dc 3-6 times/night, waking up early with her, amusing her in bed from 6am-8 while he's sleeping. Then scurrying around with the other dc because if I don't they will be rowdy and DH will start screaming at everyone (he will say it's not directed at anyone, but it is). As it happens I'm tired in the mornings and the dc do start yelling and so for the last few weeks the first thing I hear is - for fucks sake, I'm going to fucking kill them, every fucking morning, little fuckers. etc. etc.

That can't be normal is it? I'm fuming with myself that I have let this go on so long. They are only little.

Lilypuss I reaally feel for you.

I think you know yourself what you need to do.

Doesn't make it easy, it's harder when we have DCs I know,- but whatever you decide their is supoport for you... just look at this thread in itself, and that's just cyber. Get some proper advice, see a solicitor, just do it anyway, get to knoe where you stand re;- everything.

I really do wish you well, xx

no, it is not normal and will damage your children

and every time you do nothing to change the situation it will chip away at your self-esteem until you are so ground down with it you lose any power to protect them

your three sentences... "I want him to...I want him to...I want him to..."

Does he want to ? If he cannot see it (without you trying to force the issue) you are on a hiding to nothing.

I've just read the thread. Lily, sorry you are in this situation, i feel for you.

However I think you need to tell your DH to leave the house and live elsewhere while he addresses his anger issues.

doesn't have to be a permanent thing and the realistion that you mean business might spur him on.

After 20 years I don't think sitting back and hoping he comes around to your way of thinking is going to work.

Sorry about the crap grammer and spelling, but I don't think it matters really in what I was saying....

Yes it IS difficult- he's not a complete shit, but some of his behaviour is intolerable, and you sound scared of him,,,

My DH has been a nob, but I am NOT scared of him, I think there is a big prob when you are scared of your DP, sorry, that is not a slight on you at all.

Agrtee with anyFucker

Your DH needs to stop using you as a puch bag. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and if it continues he may lose you and his children.. I had a DP just like this who was an angry, miserable nasty man. Outside most folk thought he was fine but once he got behind closed doors he could be a real git. He is taking you and his children for granted . Stand up to him and tell him you are not going to tolerate this anger from him. He needs to sort it out or he will cause his marrage to collapse. You cant control his behaviour , you can only control ytour own and how you react to him. Do not pamper to his complaints. Be strong , do not pussy foot around him, Tell him you will talk later when he has calmed down. Dont allow his moods to manipulate you. Stick up for the DCs and try not to worry if they are noisy or naughty. Know its hard, but he must realise he has some lovely children and thank god they are well.
To cut it short he needs councelling or you both go together to sort out HIS behaviour. Wishing you luck, as i know it wont be easy.

Sorry to hear what you are going through lilypuss.

In a lot of ways it's not really about what you want/what you feel is best in terms of him changing. Sounds like he is a Very Angry man and it seems a bit hopeless from what you describe.

My dh isn't perfect. However what you said about being up 4 times in the night really struck a chord with me. My dd2 is 2 and only just starting waking in the night. While bf I tended to get up for the night wakings, but dh (however knackered he was or I was) has always got up first thing, even if that was 6am or earlier.

He sounds really self absorbed tbh. It's all about him, what he wants and his needs. That's so unrealistic. You have 3 little ones. No doubt you might like to have the occasional shower/bath/poo in peace. He seems to take these things as his right and is furious if he is inconvenienced.

As others have said as the dc get older they will become more demanding, potentially inflaming him further.

"To cut it short he needs councelling or you both go together to sort out HIS behaviour"

No - do NOT go to counselling with him. It is dangerous and any counsellor worth their wages will NOT see people in an abusive relationship. It is dangerous to get counselling when you're in such a relationship because the abuser will twist and turn the facts into fiction, thereby fuelling their behaviour and fire of hatred and control even more.

Do Not go to counselling with this being - it is too dangerous

Agree 100% with Lewis's post of 22.07.

(I have had personal experience of this the counsellor and my highly manipulative and angry dh cooked up a lovely story about how it was all My Fault. I was obsessive re housework and other ridiculous claims which of course meant it was perfectly ok for ex h to abuse me physically and mentally because iw as all My Fault)

We did try relationship counselling once. I was pregnant and had ante-natal depression. I came out of the 3 sessions we went to feeling worse that when I had gone in.
I mentioned an incident that I was upset about. I was away with work, our only dc was with my mum. DH went to a work do and got horrendously drunk and threatened a collegue) came home and somehow got locked outside the door and smashed the front door in, The police were called and he spent the night there. I talked about this as an example of how angry he could get and the counsellor said nothing. DH refused to go after our second child was born because 'nothing had changed' - i.e. I did not improve my ways.

I had a shower this morning for the second day in a row and he made a slightly snide comment about was this going to be the new routine - I had given up showering in the mornings because of all the shouting if I wasn't around. I realised that I was changing my behaviour to accommodate him, even if he didn't notice. It's the little things that build up. It just seems easier to do things his way to avoid arguments. Though I've realised that it never seems to be enough.

He's avoiding me all evening, I've no idea what is going on in his head.
I need him to take this seriously.

onepieceoflollipop

I am bfeeding, it's the only way I could possibly manage all the feeds! That's another thing, I would love to try to cut down on these feeds but I would die from exhaustion if I had less sleep so it's been easier/less fighting with DH over lack of sleep if I just keep feeding her.

lilypuss ime (but I only have two dcs) if you are bf then your dh should count himself lucky that you are doing the bulk of the night wakings. It is only fair (obviously not in his world) that he deals with the early mornings with the dcs and also you have the benefit of a few minutes shower in peace to wake yourself up. Also he should bring you a tea/coffee in bed (seriously)

Yes, you do need him to take this seriously, but if he won't then you need to take it seriously and think very carefully about whether you and your dcs can live like this.

it will ever be enough

every time you subjugate your needs to such a selfish person, they will want more and more

until you no longer know yourself, or have a mind of your own

you are expending far too much of your time/mental energy on making sure he is pacified/stays calm/does not frighten the children

feck woman, how do you keep going?

you must be a strong person, anybody else may have gone under by now

it will ever be enough

every time you subjugate your needs to such a selfish person, they will want more and more

until you no longer know yourself, or have a mind of your own

you are expending far too much of your time/mental energy on making sure he is pacified/stays calm/does not frighten the children

feck woman, how do you keep going?

you must be a strong person, anybody else may have gone under by now

You don't really need to know what's going on in his head - you just need to tell someone, anyone, what's happening - break the secrecy and silence

Then you need to tell your H that YOU are taking this seriously, regardless of his feelings on the matter and if he dares to talk to you or the kids like he did / hit you / break something again you will be removing him from the house and the relationship will be over.

He will understand that - he will probably kick off and if he gets violent or agressive, ring 999. Make him see you mean business.

but our dc is 9.5mo so really doesn't need all these feeds - my reasoning is that I would expect a partner to help in the early weeks (if necessary) but at this stage it feels like it's completely my job so I just have to put up with it - or is that silly?
I just don't know what's normal anymore. dykwim?
I feel like I'm never doing enough so I can' complain about the sleep thing?
He does let me sleep in sometimes one day over the weekend until 9-10am when I get given our baby again because 'she needs a feed' then I get to dose with her for another bit. That's something isn't it?

He's doing laundry at the moment, first time in ages of course.

I don't want to tell my parents, we are very close but they would be so shocked and upset and worried.
I don't want them to think that badly of him, I still want things to work out, if I tell them everything changes.

ah, so you don't want anything to change then ?

funny, I thought you did