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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

if your dh/dp works away often...

16 replies

cheesesarnie · 27/07/2009 22:32

do you feel you get used to him being away,just get in a routine and he returns?thats how i feel.sometimes its like having a stranger in the house!

OP posts:

megmums · 27/07/2009 22:35

My Dh worked away for 6 years before I moved to be nearer his work following the birth of our daughter. It has been VERY difficult for both of us to adjust, and he still works evenings and nights and I do enjoy the time to myself. I would find it very hard if we both worked 9 to 5 and spent every single evening togther.

barnsleybelle · 27/07/2009 22:42

My dh works away for 3 months then home for 3 weeks.
When he's due to come home i desperately can't wait. However, it is hard for many reasons. I'm in a routine with the dcs and all of a sudden there dh is 24/7. I'm very lucky in that during this 3 weeks he does most of the childcare and cooking and lots of housework, but it's hard to let go of the reins. Plus dh is very messy!! It's hard also as dh doesn't do things the way i do them and i'm biting my tongue a fair bit.
DH finds it hard that the children still come to me to ask routine questions when he's sat there!! They will walk out of a room he is in with them to find me and ask "will my dad take me to the park?"
By the end of the 3 weeks, if i'm honest i kind of am ready for him to go back!!

MagNacarta · 27/07/2009 22:45

Yes and no.

I hate it when he's away (2 consecutive nights a week) and then feel like there's a stranger in the house when he gets back.

Had tears at the weekend because he chucks tea/coffee etc in the kitchen sink so it gets stained. When he's not there I keep it clean and always run the tap after throwing tea etc. Such a stupid thing to get upset about, but I get used to doing things my way and then have to take him into account.

Daft thing is I really miss him when he's not here. Not sure what the answer is.

Hassled · 27/07/2009 22:47

It's harder sometimes than others - sometimes I get too used to being the only person in charge, ownership of the hand control in the evenings, making the big decisions without discussion etc. And then DH is back and I have to share power . It's odd for a day or so, then I get used to it, then he's off again.

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 27/07/2009 22:49

MagNacarta-thats excatly how i feel!my dh is away maybe 4-5 nights a week(feel like a fake now though as meg and barnsleys dh are away much more!),at times hes like a house guest.-a bad one

OP posts:

Hassled · 27/07/2009 22:49

barnsleybelle - my DCs do that as well. It's "Mum...?" all the time, even when the question involves DH and he's right there. He's used to it, but I'd hate to be on the receiving end of it.

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 27/07/2009 22:51

mine do too.they will walk all over the house to find me shouting mum when theyve been sat next to dh.mind you they do make the most of having someone else to ask if i say no!

OP posts:

Spidermama · 27/07/2009 22:55

My DH is on tour all summer holiday and comes back late Sunday night until Tuesday afternoon every week.

I find it very disruptive.

He sweeps in on Sunday night like a hurricane and the testosterone levels in the house overflow (I have three boys and a girl).

However when he's away I'm overwhelmed with work and I miss his fabulous cooking and I miss him taking the boys out to play football in the park for hours etc.

He can't win.

MagNacarta · 27/07/2009 22:57

Yep, mine too I just say 'ask Dad'.

Dh gets upset if they've been missing him and have been crying, but also if he comes home and they don't all clamber on him. Can't win.

I find it hard because on the two nights he's not here he goes out with some friends. I don't begrudge him having a laugh etc and he hates the idea of sitting in a hotel room on his own, but I do feel that I've got the crap end of the deal being stuck at home. He does do nice things though, found a vase of lavendar (from our garden) in the kitchen this morning with a very soppy post it note attached.

Will still be pissed off when I'm handed two days washing though.

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 27/07/2009 23:00

spidermamma-see mine doesnt really cook and never takes the children anywhere so its just an extra person.(that sounds horrible)

OP posts:

barnsleybelle · 27/07/2009 23:16

I also sometimes find when dh is away on his 3 months that it's sometimes a bit of a competition over who has it hardest .
I think it's hard dealing with the day to day stuff, plus dcs missing him, whereas he has a very difficult stressful job plus he has to miss the 3 of us..
We have been together 12 yrs and although it's not always been 3 months on 3 weeks off he has always worked away. I wonder how we would be should he come home to work

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 27/07/2009 23:18

yes we have whos the most exhausted phone competitions.i never win.

OP posts:

barnsleybelle · 27/07/2009 23:26

DH rings us every night without fail. He speaks to me first and then ds (dd too young) and often rings back later to speak again to me (work pays for calls ).
If i've had a particularly gruelling day i text him to say ds will be speaking only tonight
I would rather not speak than argue. (tis something we have learned after 12 yrs of tension).
Believe me 3 months is a looong time and regardless of it all i love him dearly and it is this long Africa contract which has meant i could leave work and stay at home after dd was born.

foofi · 27/07/2009 23:28

Yes I agree cheesesarnie - you just get into a routine. I like the time on my own, although I know he's at the end of the phone if I need him

OnlyWantsOne · 27/07/2009 23:30

My DP is currently working abroad for 6 months, and DD and I see him about once a month - I miss him like crazy and love him coming home.

The time we spend together is actual quality time and we do fun stuff, it will be a shock when he comes back in September for good and works in the UK again...

mumof2teenboys · 28/07/2009 10:20

My oh works away, he is out of the country for anywhere between 4 and 8 weeks. He is then home for 2 weeks. He still works 9-5 when he is here.
Over the last 2 years, we have worked out a system that seems to work for us. I always look forward to him coming home but I am generally ready for him to go back at the end of the 2 weeks But I also think that he is ready to go back as well.
In august he will be home for good. If I am honest, I'm a little about him coming home. Its taken a long time to get used to him being away, and now he's coming home. We have spoken about it at length and he is feeling the same way.
I think it will feel a little odd, we have such lovely times when he is home, it will take some getting used to having him home all the time. I think we both have concerns that we will fall back into taking each other for granted like we sometimes did. (we have been together for 10 years)
The time he is at home always feels like a holiday iyswim. The holiday is going to be over and I think that we will miss feeling like that.

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