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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he dosn't respect me anymore

18 replies

needycow · 22/05/2005 02:58

just latley I have felt so unloved by dh that i feel I am really becoming needy.It makes me sick.I am no longer a happy woman.I was a smaller size when we first met before kids and now i feel fat frumpy and traped.It's like he just dosn't care

OP posts:
haven · 22/05/2005 04:41

has it always been this way and you just noticed or has he just gotten this way...?

haven · 22/05/2005 04:47

sorry re read the post.....but still-you said just lately....

look in the mirror and get dressed up...with make-up...nice clothes....everything you can think of..then go out...not at night...during the day...do your shopping...whatever...and smile at people...everyone...it helps....I promise...i feel that way sometimes..and when i try to tell dh he says "oh, lord" , or something...I would feel like dh didn't like the way I was, then my whole lil world would crumble....then I realized.."THAT" attitude is was turns a man "OFF" sometimes...a confident woman is the "TURN ON"...sometimes i have to get my confidence by other people but, hey if it works.....I know I wouldn't think my dh was very sexy if he griped about what he looked like and all the stuff us women do...

dolally · 22/05/2005 14:45

Agree with haven, nc, look after yourself, respect yourself, do things for yourself (as well as the rest of the family of course but just don't forget yourself) be independent, do something valuable .... and the rest will follow.

Caligula · 22/05/2005 14:47

Agree that it's very difficult to elicit respect from anyone else unless you respect yourself first.

Think of all the things that are good about yourself. What do you do that you feel proud of, and good about? What are the good things about you?

And what do you want to change? How would it make your life better? And how will you start to change it?

Original poster
needycow · 22/05/2005 16:52

Thank you for all your kind words.Yes i don't have a high opinion off myself at the moment.I don't like what i have become and i am struggling now.i just feel lost

OP posts:
Original poster
needycow · 22/05/2005 16:59

my dh actually became very attracted to someone once that was so unlike i was though.Her partner had just left her and he said he felt like protecting her.He said she is different to me as i was strong and independent and able to cope.I have not made myself like this for attention from him by the way this really is how i am feeling.I had my 36th birthday a few weeks ago i now have a minor health problem(but it does make getting out and about difficult).I wonder if women can have mid life crisis. I am in tears just writing this and i don't know why.

OP posts:
Caligula · 22/05/2005 17:51

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel?

Original poster
needycow · 22/05/2005 17:54

yes he says that he loves me but just is no good at showing it.

OP posts:
Caligula · 22/05/2005 17:58

Oh God, they all say that. Well tell him he'd better go on a crash course at showing it then!

Seriously, how much quality time do you spend together? I think it's really important for couples to spend at least a couple of evenings / weekend days together doing something fun and enjoyable; bonding isn't something that happens once and it's bonded, it needs to be done over and over again.

It doesn't have to be expensive dinners out (though why not, if you can afford it) but even just going to a country park and spending quality time together with or without the kids can perk up the weekend and turn it from mainly drudge into a nice weekend.

Original poster
needycow · 22/05/2005 18:05

he goes out once a month with his friends and they have a meal.It really upsets me that he gives this so much importance.I have asked him lots of times to show me the same and take me out at least once a month.He just is not interested and makes excuses.I feel like i am being taken for granted big time Caligula.He says that he is sorry but he just can't be the husband that I want him to be.I feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall and want him to sit up and take notice of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
needycow · 22/05/2005 18:11

I need to go out now but will check the thread when i get home.It really has been a comfort to talk to you this evening thank you so much

OP posts:
haven · 23/05/2005 02:26

NOT HIJACKING, THIS WILL GET TO POINT>>>>LOL
when dh and i was still dating, i left for about 6 months and in the mean time he started a relationship with someone else (mind you, we were still suppose to be together ) but, anyway, he said "she wasn't like me".....LOL she was nice and sweet and apparently the girly girl type...and me well at the time i was a man hating chic that knew that ALL men cheated...but, i was IN LOVE WITH HIM...what i am getting to is that His thoughts of me made me think less of myself and i found myself inconsolable. All i wanted was his approval. It has taken several years and a baby...i don't need his approval anymore...he judged the way i walked the way i talked the clothes i wore...and i let him decide what i felt inside.....BIG BIG BIG mistake......now that i am more confident, and proud of ME....he is more receptive......

I think some men take their wives for granted, they think we will always be their, they make us feel as if no one else will want us by lowering our self esteem......why would a man stop and console his wife if that works for him....he just ignores you....because he needs you to need his approval....

Original poster
needycow · 23/05/2005 10:22

i do feel like he is gaining more and more power now and i have lost me.Don't get me wrong he is never horible to me in a verbal way it is his lack of interest in me.I feel like his mother sometimes not his wife haven.I do know that he hasn't got anyone else I would know.My self estem is on the floor.I spoke to him again yesterday and he said he is gonna try harder.Haven I think you are right i am needing his approval and i should trying to find myself again for me.

OP posts:
SandyR · 23/05/2005 11:21

He's taking you for granted (which happens to us all and can work both ways). Talking to him doesn't seem to work. Can you go away for a week? It'll give you a break and will make him realise what you mean to him.

Original poster
needycow · 23/05/2005 12:31

That is a good idea sandyR.I have 3 children though.I took them away last half term and he had to work but when i asked him if he missed us he said "yes but it was really peaceful in the house" whatever that is supposed to mean.

OP posts:
SandyR · 23/05/2005 13:21

Can you go away without the children, even just for 24 hours (better for a weekend if poss)? He might realise just how much you actually do too then...

haven · 23/05/2005 13:52

I think men sometimes get torn between family life and single life...family life means "responsibility"

dh has said the same thing to me so many times when i have had to leave with the children for reasons...he would stay up late working on his things with no interuptions, no fussing, no children, no wife, no nagging, just what he wanted........he didn't miss me because he KNEW i was coming home....get it....?

When Dh and i first dated and then married we faught all the time mainly over MIL but we faught...and i would leave and it never bothered him he would say bye and i would be all upset crying well one day i asked how he could be so feelingless and not care...he bluntely stated,"I know your coming home"...that's when it hit me..i was leaving to try to show him how much he loved me and didn't want me to leave, but in the end all i was doing was giving him a brake and me a heartache....

he gets in those stages though where i think he wishes he was single like lately...no affection really or all talk and no show and i would like to consider myself a sexy petite woman soooo to hell with him and he knows it....it is a lil stage..if i don't let it get to me to much then he comes around.....i do love my dh very much...but if he doesn't care what i think about him why should i let his actions dictate my daily plan...CONFIDENCE CONFIDENCE CONFIDENCE....don't get me wrong it isn't something that comes natural for me...i have always been the one that finds everything wrong with myself....but around dh well....i try to be who i need to be so he doesn't see that side...because it is like he uses that as a tool...
one more thing for example..: On day i was upset..and crying and questioning why some people didn't like me...i am giving, loving, trust worthy and very good person and telling dh all this stuff i was very very upset...needless to say a couple days later we were fussing and he says "see why people don't like you" i will never ever tell him anything like that again...we have been married for 4 years....and together 2 he is running out of things to use....LOL

SandyR · 23/05/2005 14:01

haven, what a horrible thing to say to you. I know what you mean about the predictability thing. when my dp was getting particularly complacent and basically taking advantage I started not being here when he came home with no note left. I'd only be gone for an hour or two but he was very unsettled that I wasn't behaving as he expected. He's always gone off for hours not telling me where he is going or saying he'll be back in 10 minutes and coming back hours later but when I do it, he absolutely hates it. I think it makes him feel a bit insecure, which when he's just been treating me like a doormat is a good thing I think. Plus I started up a weekly thing meeting up with the girls to go running, which made him realise I have roles other than just housekeeper and his DP.

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