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Relationships

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Original poster

Isn't it normal to be attracted to other people even if you have a good marriage?

27 replies

NewDKmum · 22/07/2009 20:50

And OK as long as you don't act on it?

DH asked me last night if I had ever been attracted to other men during our marriage and insisted on an honest answer.

I said that I had been twice, but never ever would be unfaithful and that I consider it normal to find other people attractive.

He seems very upset by it today. Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:

BunnyLebowski · 22/07/2009 20:53

Of course it's normal! Committing to a relationship one person does not you mean you suddenly stop human attraction to others!!

As long as you have no urge to act on it and it doesn't affect your daily life (i.e. spending all day mooning over your crush!) then it's not a problem!

He's being a tad insecure and naive if you ask me.

sunburntats · 22/07/2009 20:54

you could have lied! poor bloke!

Dont think that you can switch off your attraction to other people, but not sure i would be as honest to dh.

I would kick his head in if he said he fancied other people!!

I am the only gorgeous woman in his life.

OrmIrian · 22/07/2009 20:54

Yes

Zebrastripes · 22/07/2009 20:55

i don't think you are wrong - you can smell the flowers as long as you don't pick 'em

hercules1 · 22/07/2009 20:55

Of course it is. I agree with bunny, bit odd that he is surprised at this. I bet he gets erections all the time from looking at other women.

ginnny · 22/07/2009 20:56

Its completely normal but strange for him to ask you.
Is he feeling a bit insecure and wanted some reassurance?
Maybe you were a bit too honest.

Original poster

NewDKmum · 22/07/2009 21:07

Thanks for your replies! I think you are spot on that he is feeling a bit insecure at the moment.

Regretting my honesty a bit today, but I'm useless at lying - even white ones.

He'll just have to live with the knowledge - hopefully it will just keep him on his toes

OP posts:

Portofino · 22/07/2009 21:11

My dh admitted to going on a "norks check" round the pool when we were on holiday. He said he was disappointed by the quality and that mine were by far the best! . I'm not sure whether to be flattered or to file for divorce.....Mind you the life guards were VERY fit!

SerendipitousHarlot · 22/07/2009 21:13

Completely normal. Just cos you're on a diet doesn't mean that you can't look at the menu ;)

ABetaDad · 22/07/2009 21:16

Well DW amd me both find other people on TV, actors, etc attractive and sometimes we talk about it. We obviously see attractive people in the street too. DW has a thing about quite ugly men with big features and I have a thing about intelligent women. Nothing remotely acted on obvioulsy.

It is a bit odd his reaction - but maybe some extra special love and attention to reassure him would do the trick.

chosenone · 22/07/2009 21:21

pmsl at 'Norks check' we always tell each other who we find attractive, but im more careful about people in RL then slebs, he does have a weird habit of shouting 'Glimpers' if he see's any nippilage on TV/film etc and gets very excited!

Sazisi · 22/07/2009 21:21

Completely normal in my book.
He'll get over it maybe don't discuss anything potentially jealousy-inducing with him again (or not honestly anyway )

KingCanuteIAm · 22/07/2009 21:23

I think it is different to notice that someone is attractive (ie ooh that Orlando Bloom is cute) than it is to be attracted to someone - which implys a much more personal and involved situation.

If someone (eg at work) told me they found me attractive it would make me feel uncomfortable, if they said I was an attractive person I would feel I had been complimented - do you see what I mean?

I wonder if your meaning and your dhs meanings are getting a little lost in translation? I would certainly say it would be upsetting to know that my partner was attracted to someone else but that it is perfectly normal for my partner to see that someone else is attractive... does that make any sense?

Fennel · 22/07/2009 21:25

lol, my dp is attracted to practically every woman he's ever met. Especially women with breasts. or older women. or assertive women. or young ones. or ones in skimpy clothes. I don't mind.

and of course I am attracted to other men.

Original poster

NewDKmum · 22/07/2009 21:34

Thanks again - will keep the extra attention in mind, ABetaDad!

I agree that there is a difference between RL and celebrities and also that there is a difference between being attracted to someone and finding them attractive persons.

We were talking about actual attractions to others but very flimsy ones, not major crushes.

TBH I probably wouldn't want to know if my DH was attracted e.g. to someone from work, but would still find it normal and trust him completely not to act on it.

OP posts:

slyandgobbo · 22/07/2009 21:36

I was attracted to everyone today including some chubby dad at the school, Health Secretary Andy Burnham and a young fellow on the bus. I suspect DP would cackle if I shared these thoughst with him.

slyandgobbo · 22/07/2009 21:36

lol at Fennel's DP.

AbricotsSecs · 22/07/2009 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HolyGuacamole · 23/07/2009 00:07

Completely normal

My DHs eyes are out on stilts if an attractive woman walks past....but then again, mine are too if an attractive man walks past. No biggie IMO, you're only human.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2009 10:34

I wonder why he asked ?

Has he been doing some window-shopping he feels a bit guilty about ?

Sometimes men ask these "innocent" questions to get an answer about something on their own mind.

Just a thought, ignore of you like.

sherby · 23/07/2009 10:39

You are married, not dead

I don't understand why people think that biology/attraction stops because you have said some vows

DH and I talk about people we find attractive or even people we fancy. But there is obviously a huge difference between fancying somebody and actually acting on it.

DH will frequently tell me if the sexy fella over the road is out without his top on again and I do the same if someone he fancies comes on the screen. It is not serious at all, but I do like to think that because we can joke like this that if it did ever become more than window shopping we would both feel comfortable talking to the other person about it.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2009 10:54

oops, forgot to say, I think it is completely normal too

shootfromthehip · 23/07/2009 11:01

Totally normal IMO. I have had several 'crushes' since getting married, I've just chosen to do nothing about them. As someone else said, you are married, not dead.

Where you do have to be careful though is when your crush is a 'real' person and not a celeb- that makes the whole thing more dangerous. I would admit a celeb crush to DH but not a real life one- he'd be threatened by that even if he didn't need to be. I think it's because there is a possibiity that the abstract could become a reality with an actual person in your life, whereas Brad Pitt probably wouldn't have me

Reallytired · 23/07/2009 11:06

Ofcourse its possible to feel attracted to other people while married. All the wedding vows are a challenge.

It is not a problem to fancy someone else. It is a problem when you act on it.

MamaLazarou · 23/07/2009 12:23

I haven't found anyone else attractive in the five years since meeting my husband: he never notices other women, either, and responds with nonchalance if I point out very beautiful girls. I can recognise beauty in people, but can't imagine actually fancying anyone other than my husband. He is the most handsome man alive, IMO, no-one else comes close.

However, every relationship is different, and every couple has their own definition of 'normal' and what works for them.

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